Falling in love with ex addict, but I want children.

[TiptoesLightly]

I met a man recently, through some of the strangest synchronicity I've ever experienced (its a long story that I can write in a comment on request).
Both of us experienced an overwhelming sense of being drawn together, felt that we recognised each other immediately, and had the same thought 'that's the most incredible person I've ever seen'. We share the same birthday, 11 years apart.
A few days after meeting, we returned to our home countries (on opposite sides of the planet).
But we just continued to talk. We never stopped.

He is incredibly intelligent, funny, creative (he is an amazing visual artist and poet), he is conscientious, generous, and affectionate. He is one of the sweetest people I've met. We talk for hours...HOURS!
Its all been long distance, so it's either been hours of voice messages or 2-4 hour video calls.
He visited a few months back for a week and I've never felt so relaxed and 'myself' around someone.

HOWEVER:
On our 2nd date (fast perhaps, but we were both traveling with limited time together), he opened up about his past... which involves a negligent childhood which led to almost a decade of active alcohol and drug addiction.
I know he was a very heavy alcoholic. And used almost every chemical substance he could: Heroin (IV), speed, cocaine, various pain killers, etc
...(never meth).
He was clean for 7.5 years by the time we met.
Attends AA and NA meetings regularly. Follows the prescribed accountability steps (has a sponsor, does inventory, journals, exercises, total abstinence from any mind-altering substance) etc.
He also holds down a good job currently and has a good home situation.

For me hard drugs was always a deal breaker, especially as I want children in the future.
For me the father of my children is the most weighted decision I'll ever make... I want them to have a safe, warm, fun childhood.
He expressed be would like to have children one day, but hinted at feeling afraid that he is unable to be a good father due to his past.
He also showed a level of annoyance towards children that indicates he may be too self-centered (especially with the demands of recovery) to show up for a family.

But I'm struggling, as I've never met anyone like this.
The way we fit together, mentally and physically (the intimacy is phenomenal), is uncanny.
I feel a rich and deep love for this man. But I have so many doubts!!

P.s I should mention a few other orange flags: he never learned to drive.
He also has a fascination with madness, edgy dark art, occult religions and philosophy.

I so appreciate your thoughts!

Nope. Chaos.

It would be the biggest mistake of your life.

Addiction is in his dna and it can pass down through genes.

Listen to your instincts.

Nope.

No, I wouldn't.

I grew up with an alcoholic father. Everything he did was affected. I've been an addict and an alcoholic myself and I would say one of my sisters is pretty much alcoholic too.

He liked us but only when we were doing exactly what he wanted and not annoying him at all- by not acting like children basically. Silent and preferably not in the room.

Since getting clean and sober my addictions have switched to food so now I'm a fat ex-addict. Wouldn't wish that on anyone!
It also gave me some fairly terrible ideas about what relationships should be like which have fucked my whole life, in all honesty.

If it helps, you can frame this as your first test at being a mother- can you put the interests of your future children before your own? For those children, it's not in their interests to have a father with a history of addiction issues, not because no one can ever have a second chance, but because if he relapses, the children could incur serious emotional and perhaps physical damage. That's a risk they don't need to take if you walk away.

Don't. This is a very bad idea for so many reasons.

I say this with incredible respect and empathy for people struggling with addiction, but...
Once an addict, always an addict

They may not actively use, they may be clean and sober for decades. But people have an addictive personality or they don't. And once they've been down that rabbit hole, the odds of them slipping back are enormous.
Not everyone relapses in the addictive substance they used before. But most of them relapse in another form of addiction, obsession or fixation. Especially in turbulent and stressful times when there is little room for self care.

Let me paint you a picture.
You've just been up for 32 hours straight with a colicky newborn, who has been crying for hours now. You've had to pee for at least 3 hours, but haven't had the chance. You're covered in milk stains that have turned sour. You're wearing yesterdays underwear and haven't showered in 6 days.
Your baby's father emerges from his good 8 hours sleep, because sleep deprivation can be a trigger for addiction and he needs his sleep! And no, he can't help now. He's got an AA meeting in an hour and needs to shower first. And no, he can't take the next meeting. The baby's crying has upset him and he needs to put his sobriety first. He leaves.

IF he manages to stay clean and sober, this is what life will be like. Your needs, your childrens needs, they will all have to be secondary to his sobriety and his needs, always. And you can't even blame him. Nobody wants him to relapse. But not relapsing takes so much energy from him, he doesn't have much else to give. And that's fine as long as you're okay and you don't need anything from him. But the moment you need a partner, he won't be there.

You sound overly romantic and way too invested in the idea of finding a soulmate. Everybody looks great in a long distance relationahip. Will he look great doing 2 am feeds?

that isn’t true. Not everyone relapses. Many addicts of drugs and alcohol get clean and stay clean. However I think there are a lot of hurdles to this relationship and the past would worry me. You’re in your twenties, you don’t need to jump at this man. There will be others. Let him go.

This is great advice

This intense attraction may have some dubious roots, something similar to something in your childhood, him being a narcissist beware.

You hardly know him. Get the best contraception in place and go live together for a year before considering anything else. Actually being in each other physical space for a solid duration will give you a better feel for this. Personally an ex addict in his mid 30s with a "fascination of madness " would get old quick when dealing with who forgot to out the bins out or pay the bill etc.

His annoyance towars children and doubts about being a good dad would be a deal breaker for me. Also the occult fascination - that won't go away. Do you need that or do you need someone who more has their feet on the earth? I don't doubt he has great qualities but sounds like a great friend than life partner. Also the age gap - OP the world is your oyster set your age - keep the options open.

Crazy chemistry and intense attraction at the very start could be signs of trauma bonding.

OP my advice to you is to ignore the overwhelming feelings at the beginning but assess him only how he treats you and others around him now.

Do you feel happy, safe, supported? Do you trust him? Is he good company, interesting, fun?

Move through the usual stages of the relationship with an open heart but a logical mind.

I know lots of people in denial about their alcohol and drugs misuse and I know some sober addicts. I know who I would prefer to be in a relationship with.

You hardly know him. This is a fantasy. You would be mad to waste your time on some long distance infatuation. So its exciting and the sex is good? Fine, have some fun if you want but then get on with your life. You are so young and its absolutely not worth it based on the distance and addiction history. His attitude around kids is a bit of a red flag too.

After 5 yrs the recorded relapse rates vary from 7 to 15 percent, but whatever, they’re hugely lower than the first six months to a year sober which is more like 85 percent. I have 2 ex addict friends who have been clean for over 10 years, take their sobriety very seriously, still regularly attend meetings etc. Yes, you should think carefully about this and yes, he could relapse, but I find the way some people write off ex addicts as irredeemably broken and unworthy of love, concerning.

I do think you should explore and take your observations and his reservations about fatherhood seriously before embarking on parenthood with him. Although if I had a pound for every mum on here who said they love their own kids but find other peoples’ irritating, so there’s that…

You’re still in the starry eyed, he’s fantastic, rip each other’s clothes off phase, I’m guessing, early stages (within first 2 yrs of meeting) This first flush phase will be exacerbated by the distance. No one is wholly fantastic, maybe give it some time and you might get a more realistic picture and be more able to make an informed choice. You may find your concerns about his past overtaken by concerns about him being averse to washing up and thinking the laundry does itself.

I would steer clear from a relationship with this man. We have an alcoholic and drug user in my family, who stays sober/clean for several years and reverts back. So far he's been to rehab 4 time - he's now 41. Yes, he's a nice guy, when he's sober/clean but he's not relationship material at all. Would be completely incapable of having the responsibility of a family, and can barely cope with himself. I agree with others, often (sadly) addict relapse, and it's a nightmare. It may not be now or this year, but it's likely in the future. This man may be a nice person, but would he actually cope with the normalities of family life? Probably not. Don't put yourself into this situation to start with, accept that sometimes, it's not meant to be.

This kind of connection is really hard to walk away from, I get that. It also doesn't come along very often in a lifetime. But it's not the only great love you'll experience, and it's clearly not the right relationship for your future children to come into.

This sounds like your first encounter with someone who has led a totally different crazy, creative life to you and you're just drawn to it. Addicts can be incredibly manipulative as you are experiencing. You'll see and experience the dark side of humans if you stay with this man. All you are seeing is the functioning side of him, the one he wants you to see. He's probably loving that he has got a younger impressionable woman interested in him.
You'll cringe later that having the same birthday as him means anything other than your birthday will be shit forever more

Shouldn't a live at first sight type relationship just be easy. This is far too complicated and he has far too much baggage and you e met what once or twice? Just walk away op you will get hurt

1. shows annoyance at other people's children
2. ex drug addiction
3. interested in the occult

This is not a man to have children with, ever. Let alone to move to another country and away from your friends and family to have children with.

It would be madness to have children with this man and you would deeply regret it later

If you have a child with him initially you may be fine, but if he doesn’t help care for/ raise the child then resentment may start to creep in. Babies/ toddlers are hard work. But on the flip side he may be a great father, and he also has been in recovery for many years.

I always notice that distance makes everything more intense. The true test is if you can live together and blend your lives together. Practicality is needed for raising children. You don’t want to end up resenting him and then also potentially having a child that you share.

How old is he?

You’ve only met this man recently, so you barely know him.The connection you feel is blinding you to the red flags flying! The fact that he lives a 4 hour flight away is a problem enough in itself. Don’t be jumping to leave your home and job to move in with someone you’ve only just met. Slow down and where it goes before planning your life around a comparative stranger.