Falling in love with ex addict, but I want children.

[TiptoesLightly]

I met a man recently, through some of the strangest synchronicity I've ever experienced (its a long story that I can write in a comment on request).
Both of us experienced an overwhelming sense of being drawn together, felt that we recognised each other immediately, and had the same thought 'that's the most incredible person I've ever seen'. We share the same birthday, 11 years apart.
A few days after meeting, we returned to our home countries (on opposite sides of the planet).
But we just continued to talk. We never stopped.

He is incredibly intelligent, funny, creative (he is an amazing visual artist and poet), he is conscientious, generous, and affectionate. He is one of the sweetest people I've met. We talk for hours...HOURS!
Its all been long distance, so it's either been hours of voice messages or 2-4 hour video calls.
He visited a few months back for a week and I've never felt so relaxed and 'myself' around someone.

HOWEVER:
On our 2nd date (fast perhaps, but we were both traveling with limited time together), he opened up about his past... which involves a negligent childhood which led to almost a decade of active alcohol and drug addiction.
I know he was a very heavy alcoholic. And used almost every chemical substance he could: Heroin (IV), speed, cocaine, various pain killers, etc
...(never meth).
He was clean for 7.5 years by the time we met.
Attends AA and NA meetings regularly. Follows the prescribed accountability steps (has a sponsor, does inventory, journals, exercises, total abstinence from any mind-altering substance) etc.
He also holds down a good job currently and has a good home situation.

For me hard drugs was always a deal breaker, especially as I want children in the future.
For me the father of my children is the most weighted decision I'll ever make... I want them to have a safe, warm, fun childhood.
He expressed be would like to have children one day, but hinted at feeling afraid that he is unable to be a good father due to his past.
He also showed a level of annoyance towards children that indicates he may be too self-centered (especially with the demands of recovery) to show up for a family.

But I'm struggling, as I've never met anyone like this.
The way we fit together, mentally and physically (the intimacy is phenomenal), is uncanny.
I feel a rich and deep love for this man. But I have so many doubts!!

P.s I should mention a few other orange flags: he never learned to drive.
He also has a fascination with madness, edgy dark art, occult religions and philosophy.

I so appreciate your thoughts!

Hi OP, you’re so brave coming on here and sharing your concerns. I think you’ve already shown you’ll be a fantastic mum.

But not with him.

I have experience of everything you’ve listed above, bar the ‘final’ step of having a child together and my god, you m so bloody relieved I made the right choices.

I’ve never posted about on here before because frankly I find it terrifying but I couldn’t read your post and not say something.

i won’t do a narrative spew, but list the main things I’m thinking which you
nay or may not find helpful;

• a relationships or partner should never be judged on their potential. The ‘amazing’ and intentional commitment should be happening now. Not in the future. You may end up waiting for something that never happens.
• true - you should never judge someone by their past. I am a living example of this however, moving country and all that entails will show dedicated intention. Wait for that to happen before coming to anything.
• having a baby is like throwing a bomb into a relationship. It is utterly amazing and I wouldn’t give up my two ‘bombs’ for anything in the word. BUT people will often revert to what made them feel better historically in order to feel better now. I have, sadly, too many friends still living who openly say they should never of had children for this reason.
• has he done the work of I figure out the pain he needs to suppress? Addiction is often someone just trying to feel better - but without knowing why it’s just a painful endless merry-go round of sheer force of will.
• falling in love is one of the most beautiful and addictive feelings in the world. Enjoy it, but know that this is fulfilling a need in you too AND it’s a feeling he will be seeking on a very deep level.

the other posters have made many more, thoughtful and relevant points. Please listen to them and I wish you all the luck and love in the world.

How much money does he earn from art and poetry? I’d wager it’s close to fuck all.

In my experience the problem with recovering addicts- or even ex heavy recreational drug users- is that during the period of their active addiction the clock was frozen on any emotional development. It takes decades to become an emotionally mature, reflective person- especially for men in our society it seems- and if you meet someone who became an addict at say 18 and stopped in their late 20s, that's an important decade of emotional development that they've missed- especially if they haven't done any work subsequently.

I have had to do with several ex addicts in their 40s who basically behaved like sulky teenagers, and it was not pleasant.

Don’t be ridiculous.

Addiction

Different countries

Self centred by your own admission

Over shared historical trauma stories too quickly, I always avoid anyone who does this. Have met through voluntary work many people with tragic stories and the immediate over sharers always had issues.

He doesn't sound like ideal father material to me OP. What do you mean he's shown a level of annoyance at children? I'm not someone who thinks that having had addiction problems in the past means you should never have children but you don't know him very well yet and I'm always suspicious of the 'we're perfect for each other' mentality so early in a relationship. It sounds like you've jumped in very deep very quickly. I wouldn't be thinking about children until you've known each other a number of years and lived together. He may not seem so perfect then!

You can be sure he's putting the best gloss on his past to impress you.........and it's still grim. You know virtually nothing about this man except you've had some good sex. Indeed most of what you think you know you only know from what he's told you. He's no doubt giving you a romantic version. Accept the brief encounter as enjoyable but also accept that in the real world he's a walking, talking disaster.

being blunt, it sounds a bit like you’ve romanticised him to the extent you’re ignoring several really clear red flags. He’s in recovery, which is great, but realistically he isn’t the safest choice and those doubts exist for a reason. He’d still be self-centred while you’re trying to raise a kid, he’d still be at risk of returning to hard drugs. I think you need to look at what your goals are and find someone who matches them, not idealise someone who lives very far away

I think if you really REALLY want children, you need to move on now before you get too caught up to pull back.

Like many posters, I try not to judge anyone for their past - mine is not all that grand either - but if he's already impatient, it's registered on your second meeting when the love goggles are still firmly on and slight niggles can be easily glossed over.. it does NOT bode well for the future.

The connection you have may feel like a 'once in a lifetime' thing but there are a lot of other men out there who will not just cherish YOU, but would be the perfect father for any children too!

I once had a similarly intense attraction to someone I didn't know well with a similar age difference. He had a troubled past which was not his fault, victim of domestic violence, and he was self medicating with cannabis. He is not my husband. Is he the one who got away? Yes. Do I still think about him? Yes from time to time. Do I regret ending the relationship? Not at all. I have my own issues and he was not in anyway reliable enough for me to feel secure.

I think the intensity of feeling when you don't actually know one another is a bigger red flag than the previous addiction issues. He's been sober a long time, I think he'll probably stay that way. But you are infatuated and that feeling will not last. The fact that you live in different countries means you won't be able to get to know one another properly and find out if you are truly compatible. You will have a drawn out very romantic period with lots of longing. Which will probably be great but also not the way to establish if someone is a suitable life partner and father to your children.

I think it sounds like he takes his sobriety very seriously.
But the long distance and not being sure if he wants kids at his age would put me off.
One of my good friends has been in a long distance relationship for nearly 15 years . Every year is the year they are finally going to live in the same country. Then something comes up and it doesn't happen. She is now early 40s and to old for kids.

Just because someone once had an addiction does not mean they are forever a bomb waiting to explode. I’m a recovering alcoholic and have a happy marriage and 2 lovely happy, healthy children, a good career, a great life. So I think it’s pretty narrow minded to say that someone who had substance abuse issues in the past will forever make a terrible parent. It’s just not true at all.

From a mental health and resilience perspective, I’m actually much more together than most of the non-addict ‘social drinkers’ I know. And in fact, I know a lot of sober people and I would definitely say the sober ones are almost always more sensible, more caring, more self-aware than any of my friends who haven’t dealt with any substance abuse issues. Because to stay long term sober, you have to do a lot of work on yourself.

Now this guy could be a total turd and future faker, but that’s because that’s who he is, not because he’s in recovery. It’s worth giving it a go. It’s very early days.

I’d be much more concerned about the distance and practically how you will overcome that. Dh and I were long distance, opposite sides of the world, for several years when we were dating. That’s also very overcome-able, but you have to be willing to make some big choices. I moved to come to the UK to be with him, but that was much easier back then than it is now.

“and he can’t drive” like that is any way equivalent to alcoholism or heavy drugs - dearie me……….

On our 2nd date he opened up about his past... which involves a negligent childhood which led to almost a decade of active alcohol and drug addiction.

Big red flag, he was creating a false sense of intimacy way beyond the stage you are currently at. I would not be progressing any further.

He sounds just too wacky, even without the alcohol and drugs.

I think that’s fair.

This just isn't true. A guy was sober over ten years from drugs and alcohol. Relapsed two years ago with alcohol. His wife left him and took the children. Relapsed with drugs. Died about a month ago. It's not clear if it was suicide or accidental. It was all over the papers you can Google if you want. Length of sobriety is no indication of relapse rates.

The most important decision you’ll ever make if you become a parent is who you make the father of your child.

I disagree with a PP who says all alcoholics relapse, that’s absolutely not true. It was a ridiculous thing to claim.

But on balance, now you know the background, it would be a risk to have children with this man in case of relapse. It’s one I wouldn’t take knowingly tbh.

This is fantastically put OP.

It sounds like you are wise to give it time to process what he's told you. Maybe you have romantic limerance for an ex alcoholic? At mid 20s you have your whole life ahead of you and amazing opportunities ahead. I wouldn't waste that on someone whose life so far has been a very different path to yours. But I'm a pragmatist, not a romantic gambler (although I enjoy stories of redemption). I'd be wary that his DC are seen as an irritant (maybe because they remind him of his previous bad behaviours and have been emotionally hurt by him).
Can leopards change their spots? Maybe, who knows. But would you gamble your life and any future DC on him?

He also showed a level of annoyance towards children that indicates he may be too self-centered (especially with the demands of recovery) to show up for a family.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

You are lucky to have seen this NOW. Before having children or otherwise tying yourself to this man.
He isn't "just" an addict. He is also self-centered and shows annoyance towards children. RUN!

This is not the man to start a family with or a relationship to spend any of your precious energy or resources on.

Take the drugs out of it i would still say dont do it.

How much time have you actually spent with him in his company?

In my experience having children puts a massive strain on a relationship, even if all goes well. I'd be concerned he'd relapse once children have come along.

This man would be a bad prospect even without his addictions. You’ve made some poor decisions: cut contact and give yourself more energy/time for other things, including meeting someone with whom you can have the future you’d like.

Strong, immediate connection isn’t an indicator of how good a relationship could be and can even be a red flag.

Absolutely agree. I've just said a final goodbye to a friend who relapsed after relapsed after sobriety. Heart breaking. The kids, primary aged - devastated. He wasn't an addict when they had kids or got married, but soon after it became clear and that he probably was, just masked it well. The mum divorced him (they'd been together their entire adult life and even though she still loved him) so she could protect the kids. Unfortunately though, nothing can protect them from the devastating childhood experience of losing their father. Not even himself. Early 40s.

OP, I honestly wouldn't pursue the relationship if you want kids in your future.

It's all too fast, too long distance, so romantic, too unreal, an age gap that's teetering on too big.

This - he doesn't sound like a good long term bet for you.