Falling in love with ex addict, but I want children.

[TiptoesLightly]

I met a man recently, through some of the strangest synchronicity I've ever experienced (its a long story that I can write in a comment on request).
Both of us experienced an overwhelming sense of being drawn together, felt that we recognised each other immediately, and had the same thought 'that's the most incredible person I've ever seen'. We share the same birthday, 11 years apart.
A few days after meeting, we returned to our home countries (on opposite sides of the planet).
But we just continued to talk. We never stopped.

He is incredibly intelligent, funny, creative (he is an amazing visual artist and poet), he is conscientious, generous, and affectionate. He is one of the sweetest people I've met. We talk for hours...HOURS!
Its all been long distance, so it's either been hours of voice messages or 2-4 hour video calls.
He visited a few months back for a week and I've never felt so relaxed and 'myself' around someone.

HOWEVER:
On our 2nd date (fast perhaps, but we were both traveling with limited time together), he opened up about his past... which involves a negligent childhood which led to almost a decade of active alcohol and drug addiction.
I know he was a very heavy alcoholic. And used almost every chemical substance he could: Heroin (IV), speed, cocaine, various pain killers, etc
...(never meth).
He was clean for 7.5 years by the time we met.
Attends AA and NA meetings regularly. Follows the prescribed accountability steps (has a sponsor, does inventory, journals, exercises, total abstinence from any mind-altering substance) etc.
He also holds down a good job currently and has a good home situation.

For me hard drugs was always a deal breaker, especially as I want children in the future.
For me the father of my children is the most weighted decision I'll ever make... I want them to have a safe, warm, fun childhood.
He expressed be would like to have children one day, but hinted at feeling afraid that he is unable to be a good father due to his past.
He also showed a level of annoyance towards children that indicates he may be too self-centered (especially with the demands of recovery) to show up for a family.

But I'm struggling, as I've never met anyone like this.
The way we fit together, mentally and physically (the intimacy is phenomenal), is uncanny.
I feel a rich and deep love for this man. But I have so many doubts!!

P.s I should mention a few other orange flags: he never learned to drive.
He also has a fascination with madness, edgy dark art, occult religions and philosophy.

I so appreciate your thoughts!

As everyone before said - he’s not someone for a long term relationship. A passionate, short lived romantic affair? Yes, go for it. But a steady, reliable life partner? The worst candidate for it. All this initial intensity, fake (yes, fake, you don’t really know him yet) intimacy is one big red flag. Don’t do it.

It’s long distance and OP seems very invested already, so even a short fling would be impractical, expensive and likely to mean more angst than fun!

All alcoholics relapse

Clearly that's not something you could possibly know.

@mindutopia the addicts I know who have recovered are very much dry drunks who do work programmes to stay off alcohol/drugs but do not share a lot of the traits you have worked hard to develop in yourself.

I think you are projecting yourself onto others here and statistically I think you are rarer than you realise and you should be incredibly proud of that but I don’t think your outcome is one the op should be looking to to see where the future of her relationship might land.

Long distance relationships are great, because you both see the best of each other in a short period of time.

You do not see the daily grind, the daily commute, the drudge of life.

Ah I see just write off the recovering alcoholics. I am one and the other RA I know most have 10/20/30 years sobriety.
It's absolutely possible to recover from alcoholism.

I agree with this. My siblings have all recovered, are 30 plus years sober, have raised great children, and are happily married. Naturally that doesn't apply to all alcoholics but to many it does.

My take on this is slightly different. I think there are some hard questions you need to know the answer to @TiptoesLightly

How do you know everything he has told you is true? It's easier to create a narrative in a long distance relationship that doesn't really stand up in a day-to-day situation.

How do you actually know he's been 7 years sober? is it just him telling you? has he relapsed at all?

Sounds silly but how do you know his birthday is actually the same day as yours, have you seen his passport?

How do you know he's not in a relationship already? he may well be talking to other women in parallel to you.

What's his financial situation and how do you it to be true?

Does he have a criminal record? it's entirely possible if he's been on the substances he's told you. Class A hard drugs are a huge red flag for a difficult background to navigate.

There's probably a whole lot you don't really know about him.

Please don't pursue having children with this man. You really don't know who he is and you're unlikely to find out the full picture in a long distance relationship

Honestly, for those saying alcoholics can recover, it's not the alcoholism that would concern me, it's using hard drugs and being an alcoholic that would be a major concern for me.

He clearly has had major addiction problems with multiple substances. I don't actually think it would be fair to put him in a situation (such as having kids) that would test his sobriety. The chances of relapse could be potentially high and the consequences devastating for vulnerable children.

Sounds like he just needs to focus on maintaining his recovery and keeping his life balanced.

@TiptoesLightly - all of the above.
Plus, he's older than you and an alcoholic drug addict. His sperm will be shot.

This is a bad idea all day long.
And you know it.

More red flags than a communist parade.

I don’t want to comment on your situation as there will be many factors I don’t know.
This was my experience- up to where you are my experience was carbon copy- met and had a very strong connection, he was exceptionally honest about past addiction issues from very early (also second date) and maintaining active recovery (7 years sober). We married and had a child.

While I was pregnant he relapsed the first time- just drink. Full of remit afterwards went to AA etc. Nothing for almost a year. Then another relapse. Same post relapse script. After being married for 9 years he fell into a cycle - no drinking for 6-9 months then a binge followed by remorse and no drinking. That continued for a couple of years. Then we progressed to his relapses including cocaine. We finally ended up back at daily drinking. We separated 2 years ago.

I feel it’s really important to say that NOBODY would have realised what was happening. My ex was and is a truly lovely and good person. I didn’t talk to anybody about this which enabled him to continue. We lived in a lovely house with professional jobs etc but behind all of that it was awful for a number of reasons.

Do not be naive enough to think he has ‘changed’ or you are going to support him or that because he’s been sober for x number of years the problem is solved. None of that applies to addiction, which generally stemming from trauma. It’s an illness with a hugely complex and never ending recovery.

Thr most lovely people can be alcoholics, the addiction doesn’t discriminate but nevertheless those with addiction (current or in recovery) are not suited to family life as their addiction/recovery always has to come first.

Someone being an ex addict wouldn't phase me personally. But that doesn't mean you should think it a good plan to have children with him. For a myriad of reasons.

Am I misunderstanding, are you saying that recovering addicts should not ever have a family? I couldn't agree with that.

You realise you only have his word that he has been clear for this long. He could well be testing you to see if you are OK with him being an addict and then you find out later that he has actually only been clean for 7.5 weeks or months. Addicts can be very manipulative. Having so much in common / feeling like soulmates is often a manipulative man deliberating trying to suck you in .

You are looking to have children. You have stumbled across a troubled poet who's an ex IV drug user with multiple addictions. Yes his birthday is on the same date as yours, but think about it... that's not a cosmic sign, it's just statistics. For some reason he's appealed to something in you and that's fine, but what you've found is not a stable loving relationship to bring children into.

Have your mid twenties fling, let him write some poems about you and break your heart, chalk it up to experience and then go and find someone who doesn't openly find children annoying to be the father of yours. Do not tie yourself to this man in any way. This is not the one you settle down with, this is the wild time that ends and teaches you a lesson.

+1000.

He could be love bombing you and mirroring your passion, to get easy access to live in your country.
Youve really only known him for fjve minutes, you have no idea what he is like to live with. You don't know his friends, family, noone who can advocate for his character.
If you do think he is genuine you need to take it very very slowly, over a number of years, to really get the measure of this man.
You already have doubts he is self centered. From the few meetings you have had.
The age gap is quite large and ai have a similar gap with my dh, it is a problem. We make it work but it is most definitely an issue.

OP, I think you are not so much in love with who he really is, but with the potential "what if" of this relationship. You don't live near each other, which means you haven't seen much of each other. This means you only communicate when you are at leisure to do so when you travel to see each other or when talking on the phone. You don't get to see each other in day to day mundane situations that eventually come along with any settled relationship.

Aside from that, his past could be an issue if he hasn't dealt with the trauma of it, whether sober or not. There is also a relatively large age-gap between the two of you. Not necessarily a deal breaker in all situations, but something to keep in mind when considering the whole picture.

Personally, I think he is not for you. I don't think this relationship has the potential for the stability required to make it work when settling down with children. He has said himself that he might not be a good father and you have already seen him lose patience with children not his own. For that alone I would move on from this and find someone better suited if you already know that you want to have children.

Another vote here for enjoying a passionate, exciting relationship for a year or two, by which point the glamor of it will seem less attractive and you can move onto the next.

I dont think the kind of connection youre talking about comes along all that often, so by all means enjoy it. Not every love affair has to turn into marriage and kids.

11 years older than you, lives in a different country, is an ex drug addict and alcoholic. Has shown he'll likely not be the best father which is something very important to you! You're considering moving country for this man, whatever the connection my brain would be over ruling here!

And you both sleep better, you avoid each others hideous bad habits, and you don't fall out arguing about where the washing basket is ("it's here, just here see? Right here, so why are your pants still on the floor?!") or who ate all the chocolate 🤦‍♀️

Ahh the dreamy bliss of a long distance relationship

Ah okay then.

Look, people will tell you to run from the hills, but it really does depend on his circumstances in the here and now, and how willing he is to develop awareness, self support, healthy coping mechanisms and stuff like that.

I had a functioning alcoholic dad too. My home life wasn't terrible at all from my perspective, but as an adult and a mother I see the riskiness of it and as I got older, I was definitely embarrassed as my dad was always drunk. I've probably buried some incidents but it wasn't harrowing. It was far, far from ideal though.

My partner struggled with addiction to prescription medication for a couple of years while our DC were young. It was intensely difficult, but the truth is, I love all of him and I understand what he was suffering with, I had empathy. But it's an awful lot of work on their part, and on your part if you are living with them and supporting them. It can be extremely difficult for people in addiction to take that first leap of seeking sobriety, and it's not an easy journey once that decision is made.

You will see it LOADS on Mumsnet, but I don't believe in writing people off because they have struggled with addition. Watching somebody overcome their trauma and tendency to self medicate is powerful. Our connection has grown stronger. But it's important not to romanticise the situation and walk into it willingly. It's about balance and caution.

Nobody here knows this man from your couple of paragraphs. You do.

Sometimes it works out, and sometimes it doesn't. Whether your partner has addiction issues in the past or not, that will still be the case.

Essentially, make a careful and objective decision, but don't let it be the deciding factor either way. Don't stick with him because you feel sorry for him and want to fix him, don't ditch him because you've labelled him an addict and therefore no good for a future with. Take the situation as a whole and take things slow.

Definitely live together for a while first if you do decide to stay together xx

Say what? I must tell my children this.. both are teenagers and doing well even with a recovering alcoholic for a mother

@TiptoesLightly please don’t have children with this man. Please. he’s an addict who can’t tolerate kids. Don’t do it to them.

And that’s the decision you need to make now… kids and not this man or this man and definitely no kids ever…?

Please don’t fool yourself that you can have both.

<If you were my daughter, I’d beg you to throw this one back in the sea; don’t waste your 20s on a loser.>