Falling in love with ex addict, but I want children.

[TiptoesLightly]

I met a man recently, through some of the strangest synchronicity I've ever experienced (its a long story that I can write in a comment on request).
Both of us experienced an overwhelming sense of being drawn together, felt that we recognised each other immediately, and had the same thought 'that's the most incredible person I've ever seen'. We share the same birthday, 11 years apart.
A few days after meeting, we returned to our home countries (on opposite sides of the planet).
But we just continued to talk. We never stopped.

He is incredibly intelligent, funny, creative (he is an amazing visual artist and poet), he is conscientious, generous, and affectionate. He is one of the sweetest people I've met. We talk for hours...HOURS!
Its all been long distance, so it's either been hours of voice messages or 2-4 hour video calls.
He visited a few months back for a week and I've never felt so relaxed and 'myself' around someone.

HOWEVER:
On our 2nd date (fast perhaps, but we were both traveling with limited time together), he opened up about his past... which involves a negligent childhood which led to almost a decade of active alcohol and drug addiction.
I know he was a very heavy alcoholic. And used almost every chemical substance he could: Heroin (IV), speed, cocaine, various pain killers, etc
...(never meth).
He was clean for 7.5 years by the time we met.
Attends AA and NA meetings regularly. Follows the prescribed accountability steps (has a sponsor, does inventory, journals, exercises, total abstinence from any mind-altering substance) etc.
He also holds down a good job currently and has a good home situation.

For me hard drugs was always a deal breaker, especially as I want children in the future.
For me the father of my children is the most weighted decision I'll ever make... I want them to have a safe, warm, fun childhood.
He expressed be would like to have children one day, but hinted at feeling afraid that he is unable to be a good father due to his past.
He also showed a level of annoyance towards children that indicates he may be too self-centered (especially with the demands of recovery) to show up for a family.

But I'm struggling, as I've never met anyone like this.
The way we fit together, mentally and physically (the intimacy is phenomenal), is uncanny.
I feel a rich and deep love for this man. But I have so many doubts!!

P.s I should mention a few other orange flags: he never learned to drive.
He also has a fascination with madness, edgy dark art, occult religions and philosophy.

I so appreciate your thoughts!

Honestly don't listen. Everyone is so black and white on here and responses rarely reflect the real world anyway 🤍

It’s such a complex issue when somebody has dealt with difficulty trauma and pain with substances. It will always be a part of their support system even if it’s via NA or AA. It offered them something no human can give and there is always a chance that relapse is possible.

Becoming a parent is one of the most challenging parts of adulthood and should you fall in to hard times where there’s difficulties with relationship dynamics, baby or child has complex or additional needs, it can be an enormous ask of somebody who has to work extraordinarily hard to stay well for themselves as a baseline, to then take on the responsibilities of someone else.

A fairytale might have you believe that the love within a healthy relationship is enough to conquer all, but very rarely is it this straightforward.

As hard as it may be to face the reality, a person as traumatised and with such a vulnerable history is very unlikely to be able to survive parenthood without intensive intervention.

There is also the matter of disclosing this information to your healthcare providers and whether they may take a decision to take action to keep any potential babies from risk.

This isn’t remotely true. Whilst it’s common of course, there are plenty of public examples of people who were alcoholics and / or drug users and are now clean and sober. Let alone private ones.

Wow, this one hit me. Thank you.

Too much of a distance, even if he’s in a neighbouring country.

no issue with an addict who has cleaned himself up.

Say what? Along with all the other shit he has a fascination with madness, edgy dark art and occult religions ? Why would you do this you to yourself and children?

What is this synchronity and lived experience nonsense?

You know, he's a terrible choice. And you know, you know it, otherwise you wouldn't be asking

I think op, it's great that you're thinking about all this but some of your posts are coming across as a bit... naieve maybe?

An addict is always going to be an addict (even if they stay sober, that's a battle they'll live with) and when we're under significant pressure we can tend to resort to age old coping mechanisms- for some that's food or exercise or whatever but for many it's unfortunately alcohol or drugs. Having kids is wonderful but it's one of the most stressful and self sacrificing things you can do. If he's not sure he's up to it, then he's telling you this isn't something he's ready for. If you know that's what you want in life then you need to let this go. There can also be other issues that go hand in hand with addiction like betrayal, issues with being selfish, difficulty with the truth, channeling impulses into other compulsive behaviours, inadvertently making your mental health someone elses responsibility... its obviously different for each individual but it's something to be wary of. Not only is having kids full on, but it's also highly triggering if you've had a traumatic upbringing yourself and he may not have the parenting skills you'd need him to have, purely because he didn't get that experience he should have got as a child. Again, not always the case but it's a possibility. Trans-generational trauma is very real.

The other issue is the distance, even though you've met and spent time together, the LD nature of the relationship means its super easy for him right now to give you the very best version of himself. In any other situation it would be a big red flag if a guy drops a traumatic history on a second date so I think you need to consider that it could be because you only had limited time together, or it could actually be love bombing and emotional manipulation. You can say anything on the phone and you really have no idea what the reality of his life is like in the day to day.

I think op, you're young, you're clear on what you want in life and I think this is one to say goodbye to and just be happy it happened for what it was. It all sounds a bit over romanticised which is making me think it's love bombing and infatuation tbh. When you strip it back you really don't know that much about him.

I also hate to say it, but the age gap and his history is a red flag as well, sometimes men will go for younger women because they know maybe subconsciously they're not ready for the responsibility that might come with a woman closer to their own age who's ready to get married and is aware of their biological clock. It's kind of giving Peter Pan (even if for fair reasons such as trauma) and that's not great because you sound driven and clear on your goals. I think this is someone you could easily waste a lot of good years on and not have much at the end of to show for it when the rose tinted glasses fall off.

I see a lot of comments around his attitude towards children, and to be fair to him, the way I framed it in the OP was perhaps unfair.
I've never seen him interact with a child.

He has shared stories of spending time with children, in a positive sense where he has expressed its been meaningful for him.

He has volunteered in schools teaching English. I know a friend of his who's son really enjoys his company and was basically stuck to his side when he was visiting them. Doing sport together, reading, etc. He is generally fun and engaging.

My hang-ups have been based on small things.
Such as saying " If I have children, I'll cook them the most amazing food. That way they'll be happy and won't ask me for things"
Or an instance of encouraging two kids to fight each other and finding encouraging them humorous.

Really appreciate this balanced view @ElectricCaterpillar
I 100% agree that addiction should not be a write-off.
It's a particular hurdle for me mentally, but definitely because of social programming... I've never experienced life with/around recovered addicts.

Although, I've lived around friends who are probably classifiable as alcoholics, and feel that some of my bias may come from witnessing their patterns.
Patterns which, as someone said before, are often parts of self that people in recovery are forced circumstantially to examine and work on. Where your everyday person may live a lifetime of repeating behaviors.

This is a fantastic point. It's one he has actually spoken to himself.
He has admitted that he feels he spent years in maturation stagnation and is playing catch-up.
So this has been a red flag I've already considered. The upside to this is his awareness of it. He has spoken to the fact that a lot of his journal/reflective work through counseling and AA, is centered around emotional growth and reclamation.

When I say we met recently ... that was a year and a half ago.
And then several months of consistent online contact.

He visited briefly a few months ago and stayed with me for a week. During which we spent most of our time together, bar meetings and my work.

We haven't talked much recently, as I pulled away as a result of these doubts surfacing.

This stood out to me even more than the addiction and distance to tell you the truth. It’s just a lot.

But i also want to add that i wish you and this man well. Overcoming addiction is really hard and he has also been honest, it seems. I don’t mean to be or sound so judgemental.

Obviously we all think someone is wonderful and perfect and amazing at first but with respect, you sound like you've been lovebombed. Please try to be objective here. He isn't the one. The fact you're on MN asking this question shows you know this deep down

I think you need to listen to your gut instinct, which is warning you.

People can conquer these addictions but pressure can make them turn back to it. I've seen this in two cases with friends following family pressure/work pressure once they have a family. In both situations, the relationships did not last and it was an horrendous time in their lives.

What were the drivers for his addictions and have these been resolved so as not to further trigger substance misuse?

@Minimilivery honest post.

Distance is a huge issue here, but as someone who was in a relationship with an “ex” addict. Well, put it this way, I wouldn’t touch him with someone else’s barge pole.
You will be constantly looking over your shoulder worrying he’s relapsed and he’s already told you he doesn’t want children.
This is a long distance holiday romance and needs to be left there.

They say people are drawn towards others with similar needs, reflectively, what are your needs, wants and deficits, can you identify them?

Have you considered that he has a strong support network where he lives which enables him to keep his addictions under control. Moving away could cause that all to collapse. Moving to another country is hard when you lose your ‘tribe’.

This is simply not true - my mum has been sober for over 30 years now.

But…prior to those 30 years, she made my life hell, and my very serious suicide attempt at 15 was the reason she stopped. That’s what it took - and since then she’s attended AA meetings every week and worked the programme to make sure she stays sober.

If you pursue this relationship, OP, I’d give it several years and make sure he’s still doing what he needs to do to stay sober before deciding whether to start a family with him.

I wouldn’t @TiptoesLightly, living with an addict is a nightmare.
I’d always be worried about relapses.
Also , I’d be concerned he’d keep putting off kids until it’s too late for you.

an instance of encouraging two kids to fight each other and finding encouraging them humorous.

What kind of a man does this? Think about it.

And as if the madness, occult and dark arts obsession plus the substance abuse wasn't enough to send you running in the opposite direction, you mention his "maturation stagnation" is a red flag. He's a walking red flag, you don't need to spend your time psychoanalysing him to find more. They're literally flapping in your face.

Instead spend the energy on working out why you would even consider getting into a relationship with this man, never mind bringing children into it. IT WOULD BE A BAD IDEA, just in case you've got any lingering doubts.

I'd be more concerned if he was keen to have kids to be honest.