Should I ditch my lovely boyfriend?

[TabbyT]

I was with my abusive ex-husband for 25 years. We have three DC together. Eventually nearly 4 years ago I found the courage to leave. The divorce was finalised earlier this year.

About a year after separation I decided to try online dating and, within a few weeks I met a man who I will call John.

We have now been together for 2 ½ years. I am now 54 and he is 60. He is also divorced after a long marriage and he has two young adult DC.

He is the kindest, most caring man. He would do anything for me. We have a nice time together. The sex is really good. He is emotionally available, able to be vulnerable, and when we disagree (which is rare) he will listen and talk things through. He is a calm and stable presence and I love him.

However, for a number of reasons, I feel like I need to end it, but I’m worried I would be throwing away something really good. My marriage and my upbringing were so abusive being with a kind man feels like something very rare and I worry I would struggle to find this again.

So the negatives are: we are really at different stages of our lives. I am working in a full time, demanding professional career. I often attend evening work related events. My youngest DC is still at home with me full time (she’s still at school and her father has moved far away) and my middle one is home in the university holidays. I enjoy my work but my life can feel quite tough and relentless.

John was working when we met, but then his contract ended and he retired. I am ambitious and driven. He is not. My life is really busy – and his is not. He doesn’t seem to have much of a plan for his retirement and isn’t really doing a lot with his time.

Financially we are in different positions. I own my own house in a nice area, have a well paid job and am on track for a comfortable retirement. He is living with his mother and has no plans to move out. He will inherit a half share of her flat when she dies and plans to buy out his brother. He did have a house when he was married, his ex still lives there but it was in a much less expensive part of the country so he could not afford to buy here with the money he has.

Our friends are quite different. Mine are pretty affluent and successful in City type careers. His are more laid back, less materialistic and less career focussed.
I’m worried that if we stay together my life will be smaller and less interesting than if I was with someone more aligned with my interests. On the other hand he's so lovely and I know it's not easy to find someone at this stage of life. Thoughts lovely mumsnetters?

But I think once the person dies, the debt for care costs can be recovered from the estate, so the flat would have to be sold after her death to pay for care, unless the son is already a joint owner (and transferring ownership would be seen as deprivation of assets, so also not a solution).

Otherwise there would be people all over the country moving in with ageing parents just before they need full-time care...

He has been there for some time sk it’s home ..

that’s a derail though

i think he sounds like a v decent guy & OP should think carefully about ditching him for the hypothetical ‘perfect’ man

i think he sounds like a v decent guy & OP should think carefully about ditching him for the hypothetical ‘perfect’ man

Totally agree

I think the speed point is more pertinent than the economic one. If I could hazard a guess OP you’d be happier with someone poor but who had a burgeoning start up or non profit passion and was full of interesting ideas or appetite for life. Though, of course, money helps!

I think you know what you need to do. And I think the notion of settling in case you don’t find anyone else is nonsense, at worse you can continue your interesting life - built off your own bat - and will still find sex and companionship I’m sure even if not from one man who will constrain your life.

OP everything you have said sounds valid and sensible to me. I would find a pottering retiree unappealing at this stage of life, however kind they are. This is unsuitable for you. There is no need to feel guilty about this. All these people saying they would jump at someone who lives with their mum, has no plans in place for future and spends their time pottering amazed me. You have your life to live - a full, engaged, energetic life. Go and live it, enjoy it and keep up your lovely busy, fulfilled ways for as long as possible.

@theresbeautyinwindysun I agree completely, glad it’s just not me!

Glad it’s not just me!

Thanks @theresbeautyinwindysun and @Sedgwick - I appreciate your kind words and for understanding that I am not trying to be horrible or snobby or anything else that I have been accused of up thread. I just wish it didn’t feel so difficult.

Thanks everyone for all the responses. It’s over. I feel really sad, and I know I have broken his heart and I feel terrible about the pain I am causing him. But I also know that when something feels wrong (and it’s felt wrong for quite some time now) that it would be cruel to keep going. This way he can find someone more compatible, and hopefully, eventually, so can I.

Well done on plucking up the courage to rip off the plaster. I hope you are feeling relieved that it is done, and can now spend some time enjoying being single and working out what you want from life and a relationship, and then find someone more compatible.

It took me a year to go from realising I couldn't stay long-term with someone a bit similar-sounding to finally pulling the plug. There were good reasons for delaying, but the feeling of relief when it was over was incredible.

I did not regret ending it for a single moment, and I was planning to stay single for a good long while after that, but unintentionally met someone a year later who was much more in tune with my needs, values and interests, and five years on we are still very happy together.

Thanks @SoloSofa24 . I know it’s the right thing to do. I feel a little wobbly but yes there is also relief. My friends and family (including DC) are completely unanimous that this is the right thing to do which helps a lot.

How are you doing now TabbyT?

@theresbeautyinwindysun Aw thanks so much for asking! I am actually really happy. It feels like a huge relief and I don’t regret ending things at all (though I do feel guilty). I have even been on a couple of dates. Neither will go anywhere but that’s fine. I want to spend some time dating, and meeting new people without rushing into a new relationship.

That’s great, shows you’ve absolutely done the right thing. So glad to hear you’re happy.