Should I ditch my lovely boyfriend?

[TabbyT]

I was with my abusive ex-husband for 25 years. We have three DC together. Eventually nearly 4 years ago I found the courage to leave. The divorce was finalised earlier this year.

About a year after separation I decided to try online dating and, within a few weeks I met a man who I will call John.

We have now been together for 2 ½ years. I am now 54 and he is 60. He is also divorced after a long marriage and he has two young adult DC.

He is the kindest, most caring man. He would do anything for me. We have a nice time together. The sex is really good. He is emotionally available, able to be vulnerable, and when we disagree (which is rare) he will listen and talk things through. He is a calm and stable presence and I love him.

However, for a number of reasons, I feel like I need to end it, but I’m worried I would be throwing away something really good. My marriage and my upbringing were so abusive being with a kind man feels like something very rare and I worry I would struggle to find this again.

So the negatives are: we are really at different stages of our lives. I am working in a full time, demanding professional career. I often attend evening work related events. My youngest DC is still at home with me full time (she’s still at school and her father has moved far away) and my middle one is home in the university holidays. I enjoy my work but my life can feel quite tough and relentless.

John was working when we met, but then his contract ended and he retired. I am ambitious and driven. He is not. My life is really busy – and his is not. He doesn’t seem to have much of a plan for his retirement and isn’t really doing a lot with his time.

Financially we are in different positions. I own my own house in a nice area, have a well paid job and am on track for a comfortable retirement. He is living with his mother and has no plans to move out. He will inherit a half share of her flat when she dies and plans to buy out his brother. He did have a house when he was married, his ex still lives there but it was in a much less expensive part of the country so he could not afford to buy here with the money he has.

Our friends are quite different. Mine are pretty affluent and successful in City type careers. His are more laid back, less materialistic and less career focussed.
I’m worried that if we stay together my life will be smaller and less interesting than if I was with someone more aligned with my interests. On the other hand he's so lovely and I know it's not easy to find someone at this stage of life. Thoughts lovely mumsnetters?

Why does it have to be either or though?

Agree you do need to sit and have a conversation. You say you want to be in a relationship, so why not just keep it more casual? If he is fine with that also, just go with it while it's fine right now.

Re my rebound relationship, I have stayed single ever since through choice. I live a peaceful and calm life, and I value my down time too much to have to factor someone else and their drama in there. I don't want to be in a relationship, so we do differ there. I just needed to be in that relationship to realise it fully.

Retiring early is great if you’ve got the finances to enjoy your time doing things you really want to - be that travel, hobbies, days out etc.

But to retire early just to spend an extra decade ‘pottering about’ just seems to make people old before their time.

When I read your op I thought you should stick with him for his good points but as the thread has gone on I have changed my mind. You are probably essentially too different.

He also reminds me of someone I went out with for a year after my divorce who was a bit older than me but had nothing in his life whatsoever (apart from his elderly mother.) He had no hobbies or interests or friends and just used to hang around waiting for me to be free. If I asked about his day he would say he had done nothing much but that meant literally nothing, just sitting on the settee all day, no book or tv or popping out or shopping or cooking or visiting, just nothing.

I think if you are happy to be single then end it as you may not find exactly what you are looking for in someone else either.

Respectfully, that’s like buying a Zimmer frame on the assumption you might need it later. If the OP is not currently a ‘potterer homebody retiree’, I really do t think she should stay in a relationship with one because she might turn into one in a few years.

Think you need a conversation. It's possible he finds your friends boring? How did your friends feel about your husband?

It sounds like you don't respect him. Perhaps it's a class thing, perhaps it's something else. What was it about him that attracted you initially?

I’m the same. I couldn’t imagine being in a full on relationship ever again. Even if I bet the mythical rainbow unicorn perfect man tomorrow, I would never cohabit and I’d want us both to have our own individual lives as well as our relationship.

I wish I’d known how liberating being single is years ago. When I got divorced, I was scared of being alone and that clouded my judgement with my rebound. Although he was a mistake, that relationship showed me exactly what I don’t want for the rest of my life.

My boss is 65. Works full time professional career. Long haul holidays several times a year

Aging is often a mindset

Totally agree. I’m nearly 60 and still go out dancing regularly - though day raves these days. I go on holiday with friends 3/4 times a year and wouldn’t change that for a man.

My friend was 65 last week and she goes on holiday alone several times a year, trying new countries, sightseeing etc. Only last year she was in Athens, went into a local bar and ended up getting behind the DJ decks and playing a few tunes!

Some people are almost born old, others stay youthful to the grave - it’s a mindset.

Careers no, money yes. How do you want to spend your retirement? I still want to enjoy nice dinners and holidays and not worry about the heating!

@theresnolimits thank you! Yes I think I am sad. I would love it to work. It’s so nice being with someone kind and thoughtful after an incredibly difficult marriage. But ultimately my gut is telling me it’s not right.

And those raising the money point. Yes his mother may need care and I don’t know what he will do then as his plans are based on inheriting from her. Of course money is not everything but it makes a massive difference to the quality of one’s life and it would be crazy to disregard that.

If you have to ask, you know deep down, what the answer is.

Ask yourself why you feel you need to be in a relationship with a man at all.

Not all men are abusive but not all lovely men have the capacity to make individuals happy if their lives are on different paths or if they don't share similar values.

@RosesAndHellebores you are right.

You are absolutely right. I think I'm just trying to say, think of the longer term. They have been happy together for 5 years I think OP said, are they just temporarily out of step at the moment as he has moved into a new life stage and she hasn't quite caught up yet.

Regardless, it doesn't sound like she truly loves him.

He sounds lovely. I'd stay with him.

OP, I found your reasons a bit shallow, till I got to this part:

He already wants me to retire which is obviously not going to happen any time soon!

What did he say?

John sounds nice, but you don't sound compatible. He sounds like the kind of guy I would like as a friend but not a partner.

John should end it with you because you sound entitled and insufferable. He sounds like a lovely man with a big heart who's there for you. He deserves better than you.

OP you sound great. I just wanted to post as you were asking another poster whether they found anyone after leaving someone they were incompatible with. This happened to me. Tricky ‘difficult’ long term relationship ended and during dating around (after a lot of therapy) I met someone lovely. Partner in law firm, kind, and such a nice person. But in my heart of hearts I knew that he just wasn’t for me. So I ended it (thinking slightly at the time ‘I must be mad’). He was just a bit too ‘passive’ on a personal level if that makes sense.

About another year passed and I met my husband. Completely my ‘speed’ as they say. Interestingly I’ve mellowed out a bit as he is more driven than me. But the key thing I think is that we have similar value systems. John sounds so different from you. Some people just require less stimulus - my husband has always got something interesting to say and we get on really well. Don’t lose sight of that part of you. Perhaps instead let John go and use the experience to confirm that kind men do exist. I would
a) plow that time into my youngest (I have teens and they really do need us at this time)
b) try to spend more time alone exploring the world - take yourself on dates to find some balance with your hectic life. Julia Cameron in the Artists Way has some great stuff on this.
c) give myself a bit more time as one year out from divorce is not huge.
d) make sure your side of the ending with John is as present and ‘good’ as it can be. I once read that creating good endings is a good discipline for giving the best chance to new beginnings. I really tried to do this when I was single / dating. And I think it helped me.
d) Use the experience with John as a powerful reminder that kind men exist. Locate that quality in your mind and aim for it again when you are ready to find someone more compatible. When you meet (and recognise !) your lovely but sparky man you will look back and the John relationship will make sense as an experience to lead you to him. Trust yourself that you won’t be going back to unkind men ever again. So relax about that. You won’t let yourself down. I was really worried about that after the difficult relationship.

You need to be available for someone else.

John will still be living with his mother if you find the dating scene too hard.

😂😂 true

This post jumped out to me.

He is your rebound and he's 'Mr Right for Now'. But don't be fearful of letting it go and taking some time as 'healed' single person.

You never know what crosses our path in life.

I have had a vaguely similar situation in that I was married for a long time and the first year after divorce was a very painful , stressful one. And I look back and it wasn't really 'Me' if that makes sense. I was 59.
I dabbled in some casual OLD for a month or 2 just to get my sexual confidence back towards the end of that year then ended up having a 'lust at first sight' moment on a trip to India. He comes from a Mediterranean country and spends winters there.

All the positive traits you write about your DP I found in mine (though I refer to him as my lover) but as something long term there are too many incompatibilities.
We are at the 2.5 year mark now and I have stopped fretting about the long term.

Because I have a full life in the UK and we meet every few weeks for a wonderful week of escapism and loveliness, he now feels the same. He lives his undemanding life over there and I live mine here.
I'm 62 , he's 63 and my subconscious default when I divorced was almost 'to one day find someone lovely to grow old with!......but I read that back now to myself and think 'but why?!'

My red flag from your man is his lack of financial security and lack of ambition. It's just who he is and nothing wrong with that at all. We are all different but if you just keep the relationship as it is with no 'dreams of a future' , just live in the present see how you feel.
If that doesn't suit him then he's got to go I feel as he'd be relying on you financially in the future and that's a huge turn off in itself.

Don't be afraid of being single for a while 🙂

I like @Lifeislove’s post. Just live the life you want to live, with as much of this man in it as suits you. Don’t commit to a shared future and don’t compromise more than you want to. He may surprise you by changing, or he may dump you as he sees your incompatibility. Definitely don’t be pushed into camping holidays or time away from your children by his sulking!

i am travelling today so can only reply intermittently but I am so grateful for the responses. @elaineyadayada I love your post. Thank you! Gives me hope.

He’s not amazing - anyone who is at his stage of life and expecting to inherit from his mother who he lives, and has no assets of his own, is no prize.