Should I ditch my lovely boyfriend?

[TabbyT]

I was with my abusive ex-husband for 25 years. We have three DC together. Eventually nearly 4 years ago I found the courage to leave. The divorce was finalised earlier this year.

About a year after separation I decided to try online dating and, within a few weeks I met a man who I will call John.

We have now been together for 2 ½ years. I am now 54 and he is 60. He is also divorced after a long marriage and he has two young adult DC.

He is the kindest, most caring man. He would do anything for me. We have a nice time together. The sex is really good. He is emotionally available, able to be vulnerable, and when we disagree (which is rare) he will listen and talk things through. He is a calm and stable presence and I love him.

However, for a number of reasons, I feel like I need to end it, but I’m worried I would be throwing away something really good. My marriage and my upbringing were so abusive being with a kind man feels like something very rare and I worry I would struggle to find this again.

So the negatives are: we are really at different stages of our lives. I am working in a full time, demanding professional career. I often attend evening work related events. My youngest DC is still at home with me full time (she’s still at school and her father has moved far away) and my middle one is home in the university holidays. I enjoy my work but my life can feel quite tough and relentless.

John was working when we met, but then his contract ended and he retired. I am ambitious and driven. He is not. My life is really busy – and his is not. He doesn’t seem to have much of a plan for his retirement and isn’t really doing a lot with his time.

Financially we are in different positions. I own my own house in a nice area, have a well paid job and am on track for a comfortable retirement. He is living with his mother and has no plans to move out. He will inherit a half share of her flat when she dies and plans to buy out his brother. He did have a house when he was married, his ex still lives there but it was in a much less expensive part of the country so he could not afford to buy here with the money he has.

Our friends are quite different. Mine are pretty affluent and successful in City type careers. His are more laid back, less materialistic and less career focussed.
I’m worried that if we stay together my life will be smaller and less interesting than if I was with someone more aligned with my interests. On the other hand he's so lovely and I know it's not easy to find someone at this stage of life. Thoughts lovely mumsnetters?

How judgemental!

I found myself unexpectedly living with my mother at that age after unexpected life events for me coincided with my dad dying. Its not ideal, but it does mean I can look after mum, make sure she eats properly and sort the house out a bit.

Its also allowed me to take my foot off the pedal and having some time for myself for the first time in years. My working grown up daughter lives with us too. We don't regard multi generational living as a failure in our part!

Everything you say about John is what he does for you.

Are you sure you love him, or is he a friend/ a bit of peace after a troubled marriage?

my friends are genuinely lovely people, who have my best interests at heart, and so when they go silent I am aware that this means something.

But what does it mean? They don't think he's good enough for you? They think he's scummy because he doesn't have as much money as you? He's showing red flags that you haven't seen? Why don't your friends tell you what they think? Just being silent leaves a lot of room for interpretation. The way you put it sounded like they were sneering, like, there's nothing to say, it's obvious he's not one of us, sort of thing. If that's not what they meant to express, then why not tell you what they think?

To be honest @TabbyT it sounds like you're not really compatible.

Unless I’m missing something it sounds like he’s been living with his mother since forever rather than a temp thing or because he’s a carer to her.

You seem keen to be in a relationship with someone, but you are expecting that someone has to fit perfectly into your life as it is and as you have planned out.

For them to have all John's positives, kind caring plus all the above he really truly will be a unicorn.

I think to live set in your ways, you will need to remain single.

Any relationship has to have some compromise.

I agree it sounds like a rebound. A year seems like a long time to be single but many people aren’t ready for a proper relationship after that time and often end up falling into a rebound that they wouldn’t have gone near had they been further along in the healing process.

I did it. Came out of a 23 year marriage, met someone within a year that lasted 18 months. And looking back now, I wouldn’t have touched him with a barge pole if I was in a better headspace.

We convince ourselves we’re ready to move on and then end up settling.

Youve got a lot of years left - make them about the life YOU want, not compromising because someone is ‘nice’

No worries. Has he lived with his mum since forever, or is it a recent thing since retiring?

I wouldn’t ditch a man who makes you happy.

I’m a different generation / life stage (mid-30s, never married, no kids) but I find myself in a similar situation. Currently dating a WONDERFUL man who earns a fraction what I do, has far fewer assets/investments, and though we live in a country where no one gives a fuck about ‘class’, I suppose he would be considered “working class” if we were in the UK (and I would be MC/UMC). Like you I am financially secure and completely self-sufficient. Isn’t one of the best things about finding oneself in this privileged position that we can choose a partner who lights up our world instead of just one who can bankroll a lifestyle?

My advice is: forget about his ‘on paper’ credentials and focus on how this man makes you FEEL. Best of luck.

Exactly. Rebounds can be fun (been there) but often the person isn’t right and we are just grateful to have someone new and exciting.

@wrongthinker when I have asked friends what they think they have (gently) said that they feel he's maybe not dynamic enough for me, or a little dull (he's not particularly well read for example - please don't all jump on me). He's a nice quiet man who wants a nice quiet life and I guess that's not really me.

If he does't have much money, how did he retire at 60? Is he claiming benifits to live as if so it may be difficult to move forward with him. Otherwise I think he sounds lovely and surely some compromise can be found with interests and holidays.

From everything you’ve said, you have so many reservations and concerns both about the present and the future that I personally would be ending it. My ex was a lovely guy in lots of ways but some similarities with yours. For me more so I used to wonder what on earth we’d talk about when we got older as he had no interesting thoughts or conversational skills beyond planning trips and meals. I was only 48 then and him 52 and I used to get quite upset visualising myself bored out my head but unable to lose myself in a book for fear of offending him as he was very sensitive also in that way. Had no interest in anything (books/DIY or current affairs) beyond being with me really and also already wanted to partially retire from his demanding factory job. Whilst I was actively trying for promotion and like you on track for a decent retirement whilst it seemed he would be heavily reliant on a state pension. I didn’t mind supporting us both but I couldn’t shake the ‘heaviness’ for want of a better word of knowing that despite his niceness, good sex (and he was a right hottie!😅), that we were ultimately incompatible so I had this always hanging over me. As it was not long after he started to increasingly reveal signs of control and jealousy so I threw him back anyway - but I’d like to think I would have had the courage to have done so anyway as my gut was screaming at me that he was not the one to grow old with.

There’s nothing wrong in admitting you’re incompatible, which you clearly are. Has this thread helped you make a decision?

He's lived with his mum since shortly after splitting from his wife. To be fair he didn't want to have to sell the family home while his kids were still there a lot (uni age). He's not her carer but I think he keeps an eye on her so it works for them.

@TwistedWonder thanks - I think you understand. It's to do with settling. I think he too can see we are not quite right for each other. He'd be much better off with someone a bit older, who didn't need or want to work (or not in a career like mine anyway) who he could go camping with and just hang out.

Wow. I think let the poor man go so he can find someone who deserves him. You and your ‘friends’ seem all about profile, materialism and what you can rinse out of other people for your own benefit. As a WC person, people like you scare me.

Exactly the same as in my case.

Married 22 years.
Met someone a year later and dated for almost 18 months.

In hindsight I clearly saw this was just a rebound relationship.

It makes it quite obvious when we see both our timelines are almost exact.

I think ultimately you don’t really fancy him. If you were young and he was well off, it would be fine to “settle” for nice but dull (IMO) but I think it wouldn’t be too long before you get the ick, and no amount of nice will counteract that.

@LittlleMy your post has really helped me. Sounds like you can empathise. It sounds a lot like your experience. Thank you. Thanks also @Highlighta and @TwistedWonder

@Screamingabdabz rather baffled by your post!

He just sounds very different from you. Think you’re comfortable with him in terms of that he is a nice guy. That’s all. You want someone a bit more driven and being hands on things and trying to do something rather than sitting still. I’d say don’t feel bad and find someone who suits you better and you won’t need to ask this question on MN again. Good luck

John sounds like a lovely person. As do you.
Can you continue your relationship as it is now or do you feel a need to either 'progress' or wind things down?

Are you worried that if you stick with John, you'd be 'settling' and maybe 'clogging up' the space where a man who is more aligned with where your own life is at might be able to slot in?

Two things which popped out at me from your posts: you said you'd worry John wouldn't want you to do the things you might want to do. Is this a fear that you carry with you from your previous, abusive relationship? Or has John shown signs of wanting to curtail your interests and 'clip your wings'?

Second thing: your friends' silence 'meaning something'. I trust my friends to see a person's worth beyond superficial signifiers of succes or shallow veneers of prosperity. What are they basing their silences on? If you trust your own judgement and sincerely feel that John is a good egg, what are your friends alluding to with their silence that is so compelling that you begin to second-guess your own perception?

It sounds like the relationship works for now as a bit of calm in your very busy life, but ten years down the line, when you might be retired too (or thinking about it), you will be probably want to be with someone who has a bit more energy and enthusiasm for life outside of work. And if John seems old now, he is going to seem even older when he is 70.

I just don't think you are compatible long-term. You could probably coast along for a few more years like this, but it would be kinder to John to end it now, and your chances of meeting someone who is a better match for you are higher if you start looking again sooner.

@EveSix what a helpful post, thank you. Yes my friends are people with good values, who are thoughtful and kind. They can see that he is kind and decent but when prodded they think that I won't have the life I want if I stay with him because our interests are not really aligned, our conversations are rather pedestrian, and because he's "older" despite not being that much older in actual years. And I think if I stay with him now I may miss my chance to meet someone who suits me better because I'm no longer young and it's not going to get easier to meet the right person as I get older.

@Sunrise8888 that's helpful. Thank you.

@SoloSofa24 Spot on! I think I know what I need to do. Dreading it though.

Yeah, I think this is quite concerning.

Absolutely this ……