Should I ditch my lovely boyfriend?

[TabbyT]

I was with my abusive ex-husband for 25 years. We have three DC together. Eventually nearly 4 years ago I found the courage to leave. The divorce was finalised earlier this year.

About a year after separation I decided to try online dating and, within a few weeks I met a man who I will call John.

We have now been together for 2 ½ years. I am now 54 and he is 60. He is also divorced after a long marriage and he has two young adult DC.

He is the kindest, most caring man. He would do anything for me. We have a nice time together. The sex is really good. He is emotionally available, able to be vulnerable, and when we disagree (which is rare) he will listen and talk things through. He is a calm and stable presence and I love him.

However, for a number of reasons, I feel like I need to end it, but I’m worried I would be throwing away something really good. My marriage and my upbringing were so abusive being with a kind man feels like something very rare and I worry I would struggle to find this again.

So the negatives are: we are really at different stages of our lives. I am working in a full time, demanding professional career. I often attend evening work related events. My youngest DC is still at home with me full time (she’s still at school and her father has moved far away) and my middle one is home in the university holidays. I enjoy my work but my life can feel quite tough and relentless.

John was working when we met, but then his contract ended and he retired. I am ambitious and driven. He is not. My life is really busy – and his is not. He doesn’t seem to have much of a plan for his retirement and isn’t really doing a lot with his time.

Financially we are in different positions. I own my own house in a nice area, have a well paid job and am on track for a comfortable retirement. He is living with his mother and has no plans to move out. He will inherit a half share of her flat when she dies and plans to buy out his brother. He did have a house when he was married, his ex still lives there but it was in a much less expensive part of the country so he could not afford to buy here with the money he has.

Our friends are quite different. Mine are pretty affluent and successful in City type careers. His are more laid back, less materialistic and less career focussed.
I’m worried that if we stay together my life will be smaller and less interesting than if I was with someone more aligned with my interests. On the other hand he's so lovely and I know it's not easy to find someone at this stage of life. Thoughts lovely mumsnetters?

Thank you. I re-read my post. I sound rather low key about my DH. Actually I adore him. But (due to bad experience) I did have to sit with the closeness for a while and be my own horse whisperer (remember that technique where they get the horse to outrun its own fear. Just because I was so wary. I had children with him at 38 so was aware it was a risk but I figured I would rather create a good life alone than be untrue to myself and not be with someone that I loved being with. Not easy at times but worth it. Oh and by the way a wonderful older colleague gave me the same advise I gave you. She left a so-so relationship late in life and met her wonderful partner. I know you’ll be fine. : )

It’s not really that cringe. I don’t see why an adult man shouldn’t live with his elderly mum instead of the both of them living alone. It’s not necessarily the same as a 30 yo who’s never learnt to look after themselves because mum does that. The op isn’t saying his mum does all the housework.

Shoe on the other foot the type of man the poster is clearly after a high-flying city worker with lots of money and large assets. Well, he'll clearly be looking for somebody considerably younger. He won't be looking for a fifty four year old divorcee with kids.

@InterestedBeing Cutious post. So although I am a successful City worker with assets I can’t expect a man who is the same? Seems quite a strange assumption. Not all men want to be with much younger women.

Oh come on! Thats not a nice thing to say. Also I haven't read anywhere @TabbyT would prefer a 'high flyer'. She's just musing over the facts that, after 2.5 yrs, she's feeling differences in life outlook could mean anything long term isn't going to work out.

But she hasn't experienced life living as 'fully healed' single person yet. I know I felt completely different in the year post divorce to how I feel now (3.5 years on).

He often says very little when he's around my friends. And I think my friends find him a little dull. When I have introduced him to people I have been met, on the whole, with resounding silence. @TabbyT

What does the last sentence mean? Who meets you with resounding silence when you introduce him to people?

You seem to care a lot about what you're friends think of him, it sounds like you're embarrassed by him.

Thank you 🙂. It's been a process though especially as I felt I had 'Reject' written on my forehead in the immediate aftermath (though I pulled the plug).
I'm reasonably solvent and no longer have to work hard so my adult kids (esp my son) were slightly concerned I was vulnerable and looking back, I was in some ways.
However, no man will ever share my finances or home (longer than a weekend) as I absolutely love the freedom my solo times have. But that's just me.

I have crossed paths with potential cocklodgers who charm and flatter as they see a nice stable financial set up they could a slot into. I take the flattery and move on.

I've actually found many threads on MN really helped clarify the difference too as I was completely blind to it before.

Thanks @Lifeislove just someone with a job and their own home would be kind of nice!

No, it's not a nice thing to say, is it?

For the record I didn't mean it.

I didn't mean it at all.

I just thought with all the people running down this poor man for living with his mother when there are reasons for it and saying he's hardly a catch or a prize.
Well how does it work in reverse how do you women like being reduced to a commodity.

I don't think you all realize how absolutely vile, you all sound. So I pointed out that the op isn't possibly a catch either.

Mmmm, I disagree with that.
I had a good friend who was with an absolute a* and I struggled to be nice to him. I could mange being polite but she saw the light in the end and said she understood why we all struggled with his company......and when she considered dumping him we were all supportive of her decision and could affirm her concerns.

@InterestedBeing for the record I haven’t said anything about people being ‘a catch’ or not. It’s more about compatibility (though I think I have a lot to offer).

Only you know if it's right for you. Your difficult marriage may be influencing you. There is a lot to be said for a nice man who treats you well and is good in bed. But only you can weigh up if that's enough for you. Do you feel you know him? Is he open with you?

You may not be compatible, you may not respect him and you may know deep down what you need to do. You might regret it. You might not. I think it's difficult to find someone who ticks all the boxes so sometimes you have to compromise but there is probably a number of boxes that need to be ticked before you can contemplate compromise.

I know that. The post wasn't directed at you and for what it's worth, I didn't mean it.

It was directed at all the other vile comments on this thread from women who think men are a commodity and need to be a prize.

But if you speak about women in that way, it's unacceptable to them.

@InterestedBeing A 60 year old man with no assets living with his mother and in her house just isn’t an attractive ‘deal’ to most people, unless there’s caring commitments. Moreover, he is exacting to be indirectly rescued via an inheritance, which to me is a red flag. Personally, if I was OP (in a really good financial position) I would be worried he’d be thinking of me as a Plan B, if the mother has to self-fund and the house gets sold.

Tbh I don’t know if I could date a man who doesn’t have his own space. There needs to be an equal opportunity to spend time at each others places and living with a parent or house sharing would mean they’d expect to spend the majority of our time together at my place.

I wouldn’t care if they rent, it’s about the private space for me.

I chatted to a guy online who told me within first few messages that he lives with his sister and her family since his divorce - which was 7 years ago - and so in his words ‘I’ll have to come and stay at yours’

I was in a similar situation. A friend pointed out that my exh was the rare one, in that there ARE decent men out there other than the one I was dating who (was similarly badly matched to me although a decent human), and just because found one of them didn’t mean that the there weren’t others.

There will be someone out there who, like John, is a good person and treats you well and is all of the things you say are positive about John, but who is also better aligned to you in the ways that John is not.

He sounds like a good man but just the wrong good man,

Completely agree with your last line.

Not every good person is a match for another good person. There are amazing single people out there who realise that settling for someone is decent, kind and genuine but doesn’t make their heart sing is the wrong thing to do.

The fact that you say “he won’t want me to do the things I want to do…” means you should dump him at once.

^ he and his mother are smart to have him live with her. If someone aged 60 or over is in the home it cannot be taken for care (at least in my area) so it’s safe

Well done getting out of your abusive marriage.

I don’t think you are compatible long term. A 60 year old living with his mother and basically coasting until she dies and he can possibly afford a flat is hard to respect. Don’t feel guilty, you are allowed to have a boyfriend and then break up. I think there is no point in delaying. Be single for a while, concentrate on your career and your child still at home and see what happens next.

I think you might benefit from more time single TBF. You sound like you have a busy and interesting life and after so long in relationships, being single can give us the chance to grow and flourish more.

But bare in mind, no partner can be everything to you. That's why we have friends, pets, family etc... and honestly, it will be very hard to find a nice man again who does all the good that John seems to in your life. You may find yourself single indefinitely. If that's ok with you then that's fine. But just be aware, although John may not be Mr interesting, he is kind, good in bed etc... those things are like needles in haystacks. Especially as we age.

So, be sure you want the freedom more than a partner.

Interesting!

I have learned this from the other side! Met a great guy last year through friends -strong mutual attraction/lots of mutual interests. But he broke it off quite soon after we met (and before we had DTD) because our lifestyles were different and he felt that as a builder living in a boat he wouldn’t feel comfortable in my ‘world’ and it would be awkward in that friendship group when we split. (Professional career -well/off). I was. initially perplexed as he very clearly did find me interesting and attractive and we had lots of ideas about things we could do together, and puzzled that he didn’t at least want to DTD, but latterly I have realised that his feelings were valid -it mattered to him, and it would not have worked. We are still on good terms as friends.

Sometimes opposites attract, he sounds a nice calm supportive presence to help you while you’re busy? Also, sometimes a kind and loving relationship after an abusive one can feel boring and like something is wrong. TBH your friends sound a little snobby/judgey by saying nothing!

If it’s down to money, then why couldn’t you use some of yours to do nice things you want together? It’s just money and that’s a joint experience.

On the other hand, you may just be incompatible.

I think companionship is the most important thing - so I’d be going off how great that is

That it doesn't feel right is enough.
What your friends think, resounding silence when you introduce him to people ( whatever that means), that he is happy pottering - none of that would matter if you loved the bones of him. You clearly don't and so it's absolutely reasonable to end the relationship.