Should I ditch my lovely boyfriend?

[TabbyT]

I was with my abusive ex-husband for 25 years. We have three DC together. Eventually nearly 4 years ago I found the courage to leave. The divorce was finalised earlier this year.

About a year after separation I decided to try online dating and, within a few weeks I met a man who I will call John.

We have now been together for 2 ½ years. I am now 54 and he is 60. He is also divorced after a long marriage and he has two young adult DC.

He is the kindest, most caring man. He would do anything for me. We have a nice time together. The sex is really good. He is emotionally available, able to be vulnerable, and when we disagree (which is rare) he will listen and talk things through. He is a calm and stable presence and I love him.

However, for a number of reasons, I feel like I need to end it, but I’m worried I would be throwing away something really good. My marriage and my upbringing were so abusive being with a kind man feels like something very rare and I worry I would struggle to find this again.

So the negatives are: we are really at different stages of our lives. I am working in a full time, demanding professional career. I often attend evening work related events. My youngest DC is still at home with me full time (she’s still at school and her father has moved far away) and my middle one is home in the university holidays. I enjoy my work but my life can feel quite tough and relentless.

John was working when we met, but then his contract ended and he retired. I am ambitious and driven. He is not. My life is really busy – and his is not. He doesn’t seem to have much of a plan for his retirement and isn’t really doing a lot with his time.

Financially we are in different positions. I own my own house in a nice area, have a well paid job and am on track for a comfortable retirement. He is living with his mother and has no plans to move out. He will inherit a half share of her flat when she dies and plans to buy out his brother. He did have a house when he was married, his ex still lives there but it was in a much less expensive part of the country so he could not afford to buy here with the money he has.

Our friends are quite different. Mine are pretty affluent and successful in City type careers. His are more laid back, less materialistic and less career focussed.
I’m worried that if we stay together my life will be smaller and less interesting than if I was with someone more aligned with my interests. On the other hand he's so lovely and I know it's not easy to find someone at this stage of life. Thoughts lovely mumsnetters?

Initially I thought “oh no, don’t let him go, he sounds amazing!”
I still think he sounds amazing and many women wouid be so very happy to be with him and loved by him.
Having read your updates, I now agree with those who feel that you’re maybe a little dissatisfied with him, maybe even a little ashamed of him when you’re with your affluent and well read friends.This dissatisfaction is likely only to grow and turn into something more insidious - maybe even contempt.
You say you love him, but it doesn’t feel like the sort of post someone would write if they really loved someone for who they are, warts, love of camping and all.
i also agree with those who’ve said you’re unlikely to find someone as agreeable, attentive and genuine as John and who also likes going to nice hotels, is interested in pleasing you sexually, has a good pension, is approved of by your friends and doesn’t mind you being a trustee of a charity (be warned, these roles can be a lot more challenging than they first appear!). “Build a Bear” doesn’t have a “Make a Man” franchise unfortunately.
And also life happens. The man of your dreams, if he exists, could develop a disability or life limiting illness six months after you move in together. Or the man of your dreams could turn out to have a secret porn addiction. Or you could end it with John and a month later he inherits a fortune from a long lost great uncle. Shucks!
Only you can decide, and that means being searchingly honest with yourself - and with John. You say he too has some concerns. If you open up a kind, respectful and honest conversation between the two of you - who knows where it could lead? X

My lodger is a lovely guy and I couldn’t see why his wife (my friend) divorced him at first. Now having lived with him I can see why. She wanted a career, liked travelling, wanted to do stuff and had interests.

He’s lovely but barely works, happy to have his rent paid by benefits instead of earning money himself (he’s early 50’s), just wants to potter around the home, doing nothing, and watch tv. No interests at all apart from tv. Doesn’t even go out much at all. I can totally see why she was frustrated and could see how her life was going to be with him, so she divorced him.

You can think someone is a decent person but not be right for you. I can see why your friends think he’s too dull for you too and that doesn’t make them or you nasty and judgemental. You want different things that’s all.

Thanks @Flamingfeline and @Rhubarbandgooseburycrumble. Think you both make really valid and helpful points.

I went on a date once and asked about his interests. Turned out he had a reclining chair in front of the TV with a beer holder.

@TabbyT

I am divorced myself. A little younger than you. Have a partner now that is not 100% of what I'd chosen at a different stage of my life. I also am in a better financial position than him.
Here is my view on this: mine is not perfect - but on balance, my life is better with him in it than without. I do a lot of the things I like with my friends. He sees sports with his. There is enough of things we like doing together.

I don't know how things will be when we are older. But I am not worried about it - maybe because I don't know how I'll be when older either.
I still have a few years with my teen in school. My bf's kids are grown.

I do not think of this as wasting time I could have spent dating. A lot of my divorced friends have been dating for years - since they divorced in late 40s - and it's not been successful. I heard a lot of funny and horror dating stories.

Last thing I want to now is date....

He sounds lovely. I think you should leave him 😉

There of course is a future where he potters while you are busy. He camps when you go to spas etc. If you accept he's not going to be joined at the hip with you, it's a great way of living. Stability at home, to balance the busy. Yin Yang etc.

And most likely will be. Good guys are really hard to find. However. I think if you had real feelings for this man, none of those things you mentioned would be an issue.

@TwistedWonder @Highlighta can I ask - after your rebound relationships did you meet someone more compatible eventually?

You don’t sound compatible long term, personality and situation wise.

Setting that aside, you say ‘my life can feel quite tough and relentless’. Could that be something to reflect and work on? Dating might not help with that.

You have older teen DC, one at home full time. Friends, home, dating. Sounds nice! Perhaps it is things to do with your past relationship or your work pressures that are difficult.

Thanks @Loopytiles . My life is a good life. It’s just very full on between work, looking after the house, kids etc and the divorce took up a lot of energy - now thankfully at an end. So I think the contrast between me and him - who has none of these pressures is just very stark.

It sounds like he doesnt have enough drive for you therefore you don"t admire him, or really respect him. That's not your fault and not his fault. I can see the dilemma. You want a person who fires you up more.

This article might help (ignore the word marriage) : Key area of compatibility

Do you find him dull? You said the conversation can be a bit pedestrian. Is that when you’re with friends and that makes you feel embarrassed, or also when it’s just the two of you?

No I realised being single is far more liberating and peaceful than being in another relationship.

I wouldn’t give up my contentment unless someone very special came along.

You should leave him. You're just not into him, you list all the reasons why you're not into him and the reasons for staying is he's lovely. You don't need a man, just enjoy being you and if someone great comes along then great. You sound very meh about him and you haven't been together that long, so I suspect it will only get worse.

I think you are looking to justify ending the relationship due to incompatibility and it feels hard because he’s essentially a good person.

I am in that position but am living with my partner so I think you would be doing the right thing before it gets to my stage. It has been so difficult to broach the subject of ending the relationship because no one has ‘done anything wrong’, In my case I just don’t feel at peace and now feel guilty because the warning signs were there before we moved in together and I should have heeded them.

How much do you discuss your future together?

@PineConeOrDogPoo - that looks interesting, thank you!

@LasVegass yes I do, a little, though I feel awful saying it.

@TwistedWonder thanks. I do really want to be in a relationship. I know that it’s possible to have a good life without one but I do like the idea of it. Tough one!

You’re a toilet? Your comments are

OK you really shouldn't be with someone you think is dull. I'm not sure if there is a worse insult.

First post nailed it! 👏

I think you should end it, I hear what you're saying. Picturing your lives in retirement, you are both going to end up frustrated by each other. So part ways no hard feelings.

The only thing I'd say, and i dont think you did this on purpose, but just pointing it out... You say yoir divorce is coming to an end now. If I were him, I'd feel a little used. Like you used me as a rock, a kind, supportive presence when you needed to get through a shitshow. Now you're getting back on track, you're shaking off the dead weight.
It makes sense, but just saying there's a chance he might bring that up. Good luck OP!

Agree with this, so better sooner than later.

Staying with him because you’d rather not be single is a really bad reason for continuing in the relationship.

It does feel like you’re keeping him as a placeholder because no one better has come along which is incredibly unfair on him.

FWIW I don’t think you’re sneering at all . Some on MN jump at the chance to diss anyone with status and money . I think you appear unsuited longer term . Yes he is a lovely man but that doesn’t mean he fulfills your hopes , dreams , plans . Someone leading a pretty restricted life pottering will not satisfy someone wishing to still have structure and purpose to their retirement. The financial differences mean you’ll end up supporting him or always choosing the cheaper options . , the interest differences will lead to conflict . At the moment your lives aren’t that intertwined but the will be after DC uni finishes and retirements beckon . As hard as it is I would leave , let both of you find people more compatible whilst understanding that may not happen , personally I’d rather be on my own than the wrong person .

I don't think you're sneering at him. You're fundamentally different people. He's a plodder and you're a go-getter. That's just your personality types. As nice as he sounds, I think you'll be unstimulated and will get very bored in the long run.

It sounds as though John doesn't have a back up plan with regard to finances. He's planning his twilight years on having this inheritance/flat from his mother, but what if she should need to go into a nursing or care home? There could be nothing or not much left of her estate so what would be his plan then (apart from moving in to yours)? Also, does he have a plan to eventually gain his half of the ex-marital home, or has he surrendered that to his ex in entirety? How would you compromise on the holiday preferences - could he even afford to pay for nice hotels and villas? I personally couldn't compromise by going camping.

If he's moaning now that he doesn't get much of your time, then it won't get any better if you want to keep busy in retirement.

If it were me, I'd probably end things. All the time you're keeping things going, there exists no vacancy for anyone more suitable who may come along. You have a busy life so there's every chance you may meet someone you're more aligned with.