Seven years and he doesn't want to marry me

[NottingChill]

My DP and I have our seven year anniversary upcoming, and I am just taking stock of things and I want to ask if this would bother you.

There are lots of great things about our relationship.

1. Very affectionate, always smooching still
2. He's very caring and nurturing
3. He is incredibly supportive and no matter what I want to do he always backs me and encourages me
4. He absolutely always has my back and is as reliable as clockwork
5. Great sex (still!)
6. He puts me first even though I don't ask
7. When we fight, which is rare, we are both quick to apologise
8. I always have his time and attention and vice versa
9. He doesn't seem to recognise any of my flaws or finds them cute (I feel the same about his)
10. He thinks I am much better looking than I actually am!
11. He is always consistent, always reliable, always there
12. He is really thoughtful - does nice things for me all the time, like pumps up my tyres or makes me snacks if I am working
13. He gives me space when I need it without any hassle (first man I ever met who does this one!)
14. He is incredibly kind and helpful to my adult child
15. He'd give me the shirt off his back if I needed it
16. He always makes an effort, with everything
17. We laugh, a lot and are playful most days at home
18. If something is ever difficult, he always wants to solve it as a team
19. The relationship feels like a safe home.

Etc. It is a good relationship and I feel very lucky and he says all the time that he also does. But, while he offers all the day to day commitments, he avoids the life milestone kind of commitments which most people seem to take in their stride.

He was very slow to share intimate details of himself with me when we first met, and very slow to say "I love you" (now he says it many times a day) but he was certainly very hard to initially get close to.

When the time came to "move in" together, as in, we had discussed it and planned it, when the time actually came, he made an absolute nightmare of it to the point that I got pissed off and went and got my own house.

Then once I had got my own house, he apologised, bought a place on his own and now we have two houses. Yes, this sounds crazy but with hindsight this was his conflict avoidant way of essentially saying he wasn't ready to live together - which is a bit off after five years together, no?

Anyway, years on from that, we now live together, although we still have two houses. One is in the city centre and one by the sea so we split our time. He doesn't want to be apart, ever so it isn't that he doesn't want to be with me but the short version is that with these big milestones, he is so averse to them that he will basically take what should be an easy and happy experience (like moving in together) and turn it into such a nightmare that you just give up.

In the end we did do all the things I wanted, both houses feel like ours, we did the painting and decorating together, our adult kids both stay in both places, it feels like we live together but it was very important to him on some level that we both maintained some level of autonomy even if only on paper.

Similarly, we discussed marriage during a conversation where he said I was the love of his life and he was absolutely sure he wanted to be with me forever and marry me etc. but since then whenever I bring it up he changes the subject, tries to make a joke or if pushed quite hard, admits he is afraid of getting married again.

He has been divorced for 17 years.

So while his first marriage was crap, I feel like it's a bit odd that it would stop him getting married now. I am not sure why it bothers me but part of it is security, not financially as I am in his will and I have the same assets he does anyway but more than if we were sick or something that we would just not be fully legally entwined. Another might sound a bit daft but I am quite religious and I am a bit worried about dying without being married to him, it feels like an important thing to me and I would be sad if I died unmarried.

I just want to know if you think I am being silly. It is clear to me after all these years that I am with someone who really loves me who makes me very happy (and he is far more of a husband to me than most actual husbands I know), but it also makes me a bit sad that his need for some background autonomy or his past fears mean that I miss out on some things that feel like they're important to me.

Can people just give me some feedback on if they think this matters or not?

I have divorced after 25 year long marriage and would never marry again. I would also not move in with anyone. At this point in my life, having my own space, my freedom, not being bound to anyone, is of utmost importance. I am not looking for a partner currently, but if I were, it would be for companionship.

I did not read the entire thread (I am sorry), so maybe I am missing something, but from what I did read, I would say that he does not want to get married, whatever the reasons, but because he knows how important this is for you, he cannot tell you this directly. I would say, it is up to you to decided if you can live with this or not.

Not his will, no. He’ll be dead by then and NOK would be useless 😆

Making a HW LPA to appoint an attorney is the best way to nominate someone to advocate for you. Health professionals still make the ultimate decision. Useful for other things though, especially relating to care home etc.

Financial LPA also important, possibly more so.

You have an interesting story OP. I think I am not a very good adviser like other posters are (there are lots of great comments).

My MIL divorced at a young age her age and met a man she wanted to commit to much later in life. Both were in their late 50s with grown-up children at this point. We weren’t invited to the wedding, it was very private and just them supposedly, at home. But I sometimes wonder if they did more than a ceremony (I wondered if they signed and lodge the paperwork that goes with a marriage ceremony). MIL kept her maiden name. They bought a place together but as far as I know everything else is separate such as finances. He turned out to be quite bad with finances so thank goodness for my MIL to (smartly) have kept her money separate.

I know I would never get that far. I’ve been married for almost 20 years and one marriage is more than enough for me for this lifetime.

It sounds like you have a much healthier and happier relationship than most people I know. And as many others have pointed out, marriage in your situation would confer few practical benefits and introduce lots of complications.

If it ain’t broke, why fix it?

So while his first marriage was crap, I feel like it's a bit odd that it would stop him getting married now.

But so many people embark on second marriages, and a good proportion of these people will have had acrimonious divorces. I don’t buy the “irreparably damaged” argument that some trot out.

I agree.
If you were 30 and wanting to start a family I'd say different advice

Are you saying that you don't think people who were emotionally damaged by divorce are telling the truth when they say they don't want to marry again? It's not that they are so damaged that they can't love again, it's that they they found getting out of the legal contract that is marriage is not something they are willing to risk going through with again because it wasn't worth it the first time around.

I would say if it bothers you that much, then you need to decide if you want to end the relationship over it, as he clearly doesn't want to marry you. If you keep pressuring him he may well end things anyway. It's horrible to be pressured to do something you don't want to do. "No" is a complete sentence for men too.

I am!

Why would I risk my ‘autonomy’ 😉 ( my new word) to get married again.

My ExH leaving to his OW, them lying to our children so that they could go out as a ‘family’ without me knowing, the devious hiding of money, coming home to find a ‘for sale board’ outside our house, having to move areas, change my job, move the kids schools, the arguments, the vindictiveness….I lost everything I had chosen, lost my plans and future, all on someone else’s say so.

It took me to the absolute brink.

I am in a long term relationship now, the house is mine, my job is local, choices about big decisions are my own.
I have my security, my independence, my future.

No-one is going to take that away from me or my children again.