Daughter 14 is dating an American who's 17

[Lunarises]

Just like the title says. Found out tonight my daughters over sea bf is 17 yes he lives in America. They speak daily on phone allday all night he literally says I love you a million times a day. And now becoming clingy she made a Spotify playlist with her friend and he said he didn't feel comfortable because it's a dude she did it with and he's been cheated on before. My question is do I let this relationship fizzle out or do I end this. I'm in between a rock and a hard place. Take all her gadgets so she can't speak to him and her have a melt down or do I let this fizzle out I no I will have people telling me I am a terrible parent no need already feel like one. I just need advice

Please read about Discord groups like 764. I really hope that your daughter is just chatting to an immature and harmless boy, but the fact you mentioned Discord, plus the age gap, just reminds me of the types of people (including children) in groups like 764 who have groomed other children/young people into doing horrific and terrible things. Disturbed Reality on YouTube has done some videos about 764 and similar.

I wish you and your daughter the best.

So you’ve pointed out the red flags but gave you actually said to her that lots of red flags mean that you should break off a relationship, not continue with it? For example instead of telling him that he is being controlling and that is unacceptable why not say to her she can’t change his views all she can do is control what she does and that breaking up should be considered as an option?

You could say this in the context of talking about other peoples relationships (make something up if needed) and how it’s not healthy to be so wrapped up in one person.

make the point that safety for women is one of the priorities in a relationship. So when someone is being inappropriate is constantly saying I love you, telling you what to do, dating long distance someone who is younger then is that safe?

If you are worried about how she would take that, could you suggest that they go on a break? Then focus on getting her to do other things while they’re on the break that helps her see how unhealthy this is.

It’s not like there aren’t any teenage girls in America is there?

Of course something is wrong and no 14 year old should ever have been unsupervised to allow this type of contact.

I had asked how they ‘met’, but edited as I see this has been answered already.

My dad (15) has been in an 'online relationship' with a lad in the US for a couple of years now, although he is about the same age, not 3 years older. They chat a lot and game together a lot. He's definitely who he says he is, and dd has facetime his parents etc.

Frankly, I'm far more comfortable with this online relationship than if dd was dating local lads in person. At least it's distracting her from physical/sexual relationships for now. Meanwhile other girls dd's age (not directly dd's friends) have been hooking up with lads/blokes into their early 20's. One seemed like a genuine decent bloke, had the girl's parent's approval, right up until it transpired he was on bail for a catalogue of sex offences with underage girls.

Meanwhile, dss (13) has already had a pregnancy scare with his 15 yo gf. So in my experience, the width of the Atlantic is a great contraceptive and celibacy cause.

Thank you that means alot I really am just trying to do my best by her I'm trying to let her live her life learn but also set boundaries and be a mother so I do appreciate that

Yes in a way I am also my daughter hangs around with a girl who is same age and let's say she's very active. But when she speaks to my daughter about it she allways rolls her eyes and says well when your pregnant at 15 don't come crying to me your gross. So although I no her teenage feminine hormones will be showing there head soon. I'm more than comftable in a way with this situation at the moment being supervised

Apologies my bad sorry

All night messages and overnight chat isn't good.

She's still a child.

Things can get said or encouraged in the small wee hours..

I appreciate the difficult position you are in, have a really strong talk to her about never ever sending him compromising pictures of herself, I've seen documentaries about revenge porn and it's a horrible thing! The minute he's unhappy with her ot only takes him to put such pictures online and suddenly they are everywhere and very difficult to do anything about.
The other thing that may crop up eventually is them wanting to meet and that would be unnerving, especially if he wanted her to travel to the US!

I’m not sure he is 17 years old.

I would encourage her to end the relationship and to concentrate on her youth and having fun.

boyfriends are very over rated

you seem to be trying your best it didnt start at yhhour house so out of your control-i dont like the sound of him being angry shes got male friends of course she has

and why does a 17 year old ewant a 14 year old girlfriend from the uk-something very off but keep monitoring it

Why do you have to be so verbally aggressive and rude? She's already said he's definitely 17yrs old and she's asking for advice, yet you're still arguing and swearing at her. What a great parent you are!

What are you going to do if this American turns up at your house ?
Invite him in with open arms ?
Facilitate the relationship ongoing for some more years, where they visit each other ?

Because one of my friends had this happen
The only difference was that she did not know that her child was in an online relationship.
The person appeared at her house

Your child should be concentrating on their education
Phones /tech out of the bedroom at night

Does your child have hobbies that they spend time with other people where they live eg sports, drama, dance, games, volunteering, raise money for charity, animals?

I would raise this with the safe guarding leader at your school & ask them for advice

I do feel like a lot of the posts on here come from people with very atypical teenagers.

I've worked with teenagers for decades (and was one, and have one). While you do meet a few who are solely interested in school work and wholesome hobbies at 14, and utterly happy to comply with any Draconian regime their very strict parents choose to impose on them, such kids are in a minority.

It has ever been the nature of teenagers to push boundaries, and to start forming strong and often unsuitable romantic/sexual attachments, whether reciprocated or not - and most children with very strict parents simply find ways of going behind their backs to do what they want to do, making it much, much riskier.

OP, the strength of your situation is that your daughter currently appears entirely open with you. That's brilliant, and a credit to your parenting. I am sure you will find a way to deal with this situation together - the fact that your dd has identified the boy has controlling ideation is also very good.

Good luck. And parenting a normal teen IS a minefield, to anyone intelligent - getting the balance right between protection and allowing appropriate freedom to grow, in a rapidly changing world, is HARD.

Always remember that you are the parent and she is the kid. Your kids don’t have to like you and decisions should be made based on what is in their best interests. If she doesn’t like it, tough shit.

Sorry but he’s a bit of a pervert… I remember being 17 and I wouldn’t have looked at a much younger kid of 14. That’s like Year 13 and Year 9! Really weird!

Id be telling her he’s a nonce and not to contact him.

She is not dating him, she is chatting on the internet with him.

'Just like the title say'

No it does not they have never met

I did this at that age and it always fizzled out. Make sure you tell her when he turns eighteen what he’s doing is illegal. The age of consent there is 18. Not sure how it works when they’re just talking online. the boy will probably find an irl girlfriend or your daughter will find a. Irl boyfriend.

Teenagers have very strong emotions whether they are on different continents or in the same room.
The good thing here is that you have a great relationship in terms of stability.
I think this boy will be unsettled because your daughter has been largely unsupervised, and is now in a home where he mum wants to provide structure. He will no doubt kick against it.
It might not seem real but to them it is.
The best thing to do would be to gently guide her into new activities, time with you, time with her friends in real life. She needs to build her confidence over time.
If she talks to you, then you can keep guiding her if this boy attempts any form of control,
Fingers crossed it will fizzle out!!!

I’m a great parent, thank you.
I just wouldn’t be facilitating this absolute nonsense. OP needs to step up.

Your a total idiot and clearly knows nothing of this situation but clearly have an opinion so crack on 👍

Oh we've had a real indepth conversation about this and I've told her I'd be very disappointed if that was to happen she knows the consequences of actions like that she is a smart kid I continue to speak to her about the dangers of doing silly things like that. Her response is allways mum I'd never do something so silly and if he was to ask you'd be the first to no. Which I'm very grateful for

Thank you for that I appreciate that I've allways been a friend to her but a parent 1st and she knows not to push the boundaries as such. If she had been living here fulltime this situation would never of happend full-stop unfortunately I've got the end of it and now trying to.set things straight