Daughter 14 is dating an American who's 17

[Lunarises]

Just like the title says. Found out tonight my daughters over sea bf is 17 yes he lives in America. They speak daily on phone allday all night he literally says I love you a million times a day. And now becoming clingy she made a Spotify playlist with her friend and he said he didn't feel comfortable because it's a dude she did it with and he's been cheated on before. My question is do I let this relationship fizzle out or do I end this. I'm in between a rock and a hard place. Take all her gadgets so she can't speak to him and her have a melt down or do I let this fizzle out I no I will have people telling me I am a terrible parent no need already feel like one. I just need advice

You literally don't have any idea of what rules ect are in place I've already stated the situation on her and why she had free reign on her devices now things are different

Hopefully you're less of a twat to your students push me.

OP, I think this could be used to your advantage.

Firstly, definitely deep dive this kid's social media and search his parents. There's much more information available on American citizens and who they live with/numbers /arrests etc available than here.

Secondly, you've cracked down on when she's available already which is great. Make this boring for her but relax in the knowledge that at least he's definitely never going to get her pregnant. Most parents don't get that peace of mind! He's basically a pen pal. Let it fizzle out but just be extremely mindful of what's happening. Check her phone occasionally.

I think it's the other posters who are being naive in thinking 14 year old and 17 year olds never date. Scarily naive actually.

She met him on roblox 🙄 vain of existence

My question is do I let this relationship fizzle out or do I end this.

End it. Remove devices. If she has a meltdown she just proves she’s too young to be in a relationship.

Why would anyone allow that? 🙄

You asked us to judge: so we are judging.

We're in my post did I ask u lot to judge? 🤣

Exactly how am I being a twat?

I know you give your child "free reign".

Had this with my 17yo DS, he was in touch with a 20yo American woman for 18 months. She didn't want him being friends with girls at school. Very controlling. It took her visiting us, then him visiting her in the States for it to eventually end. He realised how controlling she was. He had to learn the hard way even though we told him for months she was one to keep clear of.

I would suggest keeping all channels of communication open with your DD, you don't want her getting secretive about what is happening/any plans they may have.

Ok. Moving forward. Limits on access to the Internet. No phone. No "friendships" with unknown people.
Try to build up her confidence and self esteem, do activities together. Go through her school work with her. She's got into bad habits but it sounds like you want to make changes.

Unfortunately if they're using Discord and such online platforms they will meet lots of people from all over the world. It's inevitable. DS met his ex girlfriend via Discord through a shared interest in similar music tastes. You can't help that.

Emma Kenny on YouTube covers stories too .
I mean you don’t what to terrify her into being scared of a relationship when older . You do need a healthy balance of reality .

@Bumdrops I think you sound like you doing great.
No tech in rooms alone and switched off over night . Gladly it’s summer holdiays too .
She may be too nosy with you and friends and not have a phone at school to talk to him either.
Is it an iPhone and you have access to the iCloud . Also can do a spot check on her phone at any time requested.

I find it silly you came to write that without reading everything she hasn't lived with me full time she was with her dad but came back for more stability so I didn't no what was going on hope that feeds your judgment

It is indeed discord

I think you should stop her having unmonitored access to internet at 8pm each night.
You should be checking her phone, not because you don’t trust her but because you don’t trust everyone in the whole world who can try to contact her.

i think you should have these rules regardless of whether she has a boyfriend.

I learnt more from my non ideal boyfriends than the good ones. I’m not sure you can “end it” but I would keep talking to her about normal behaviour and what is potentially a problem.

So you've got to unpick some bad habits from before? Contact the school, they can refer you for help.

Worth talking about the various ways people conceptualise dating and that it's entirely usual for monogamous people to be dating multiple people until they are at a point where they're sure who want to be exclusive with.

That leads on into thinking that very few people would be exclusively dating someone they'd never met in person.

And also leads into questions about what sort of relationship works between people who meet online and live far apart - assuming he's clueless rather than grooming her, this sounds like an online friendship that isn't going to change into something else. Friendships can be equally as important as romantic/sexual relationships.

And that leads me to why would you want to be friends with someone who was trying to control how you interact with your other friends.

And also to questions about how much time you want to be spending interacting with one online friend compared with other friends.

Hopefully it will fizzle or morph into friendly acquaintances who chat about the game they play every so often. Can you get them to slow the communication down by making it asynchronous - one messages and waits for the other to reply.

Thank you 🙏 great advice will take on board

Already involved with the school

Take this further to the boys local police force. And report this safeguarding issue to your daughters school. This is such a common abusive relationship set up. He'd be classed as a.sex.offender for life in America.

OK he won't get her pregnant, but he could well have of her which would cause lifelong concern

You sound really anxious OP and I can understand why. It may feel like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted but switching off the WiFi at night and removing all screens from the bedroom is definitely the way to go.
She’s moved back in with you to establish a routine. She is looking for boundaries so give her them. That’s a great start. Sit down with her and work this out together. Not just the rules around this man but also chores, bedtime, schoolwork, parties etc. Discuss all the scenarios. Get her to talk about what she thinks is fair and what her friends are and aren’t allowed to do. You don’t need to follow them but we don’t parent in isolation and it’s helpful to know what the norms are within this friendship group.
I agree about having all the chats about online safety. Get advice yourself. Educate yourself. Local parenting classes can be great at this age just to give you the confidence to tackle problems you haven’t previously experienced. At 14, you should have complete access to her phone to do spot checks.
Get out and about with her - go for ice cream. Get your nails done. Go to the movies. Leave phones behind. Make sure there are rules around the length of time she is on the phone to him. The endless lovebombing is not helpful. make sure you switch you phone off too. Practice what you preach.
I also agree with watching some of the TV dramas around grooming, romance scams etc. Do this together. Don’t be judgmental or let her know too much of your fears. Just get her to keep talking. Ask her what she thinks. Use the documentaries as discussion points. She is growing into a young woman and you have an opportunity to shape her attitudes and values. Teach her what to look out for. Model healthy relationships. Discuss lovebombing and control.
if you are really worried and anxious she won’t listen to you, get a trusted adult friend, relative older cousin -whoever she respects and trusts- to go out with her for cake or ice cream and get her to open up. She might be willing to divulge more to someone else. If you feel she may be doing things she might regret, completely step in and remove the means of communication. She may kick off but setting a hard boundary and saying a hard no can often give teens the excuse they need to stop doing something they feel increasingly uncomfortable with. It’s ok to be the bad guy once in a while. Remember romance and experimenting is normal at her age. The internet just makes everything more complicated. Good luck. you sound like a really caring mum.

That wasn't aimed at you, it was aimed at
the judgey people. Sorry was unclear.