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Original poster

Daughter 14 is dating an American who's 17

139 replies

Lunarises · 28/06/2025 21:40

Just like the title says. Found out tonight my daughters over sea bf is 17 yes he lives in America. They speak daily on phone allday all night he literally says I love you a million times a day. And now becoming clingy she made a Spotify playlist with her friend and he said he didn't feel comfortable because it's a dude she did it with and he's been cheated on before. My question is do I let this relationship fizzle out or do I end this. I'm in between a rock and a hard place. Take all her gadgets so she can't speak to him and her have a melt down or do I let this fizzle out I no I will have people telling me I am a terrible parent no need already feel like one. I just need advice

OP posts:
Original poster
Lunarises · 28/06/2025 23:25

DeathlyGreenAngel · 28/06/2025 23:22

I’m a man. I grew up not that long ago and when everyone was video calling and instant messaging each other.

When I was 17 I was trying to get served in the pub (often unsuccessfully) and the only girl I was interested in was also 17. I was a year away from going to uni. In lots of ways I was nearly an adult. Not mature, but maturing.

If I had a 14 year old cyber girlfriend and let that slip to my friends they’d have called me a “nonce” and cut me off.

I also agree

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 28/06/2025 23:26

She is not “dating “ him—they aren’t even on the same continent and she is a minor child for whom the content of the category “date” shouldn’t look like a zoom meeting with a stranger.

She is being set up to fail by this kid (if this isn’t a catfishing job) because the “relationship “ can’t go anywhere healthy and she is being prevented from having more age appropriate, real world,,relationships. 17 is too old for 14. And far too old for a sentimental online fake relationship.

Original poster
Lunarises · 28/06/2025 23:28

pikkumyy77 · 28/06/2025 23:26

She is not “dating “ him—they aren’t even on the same continent and she is a minor child for whom the content of the category “date” shouldn’t look like a zoom meeting with a stranger.

She is being set up to fail by this kid (if this isn’t a catfishing job) because the “relationship “ can’t go anywhere healthy and she is being prevented from having more age appropriate, real world,,relationships. 17 is too old for 14. And far too old for a sentimental online fake relationship.

I also agree I'm not disagreeing with any of it. I'm just trying to not push her more into his arms because if she wanted to find him she would if I just whipped her gadgets off her

OP posts:
SheridansPortSalut · 28/06/2025 23:30

They might not actually be on different continents. He could be a married man from 10 miles away. Deep fakes and cat fishing are that good.

HonestOpalHelper · 28/06/2025 23:41

Teacher here, this is disquieting OP. For starters your DD needs to be getting sleep so she can concentrate on her studies at school. Secondly you have to ask yourself what the purpose of this relationship is to the "17 year old" in the states. I would suggest most normal 17 year olds at American High schools will be able to find girls locally, so what's in it for him?, sadly it is likely to be some kind of scam to get images or whatever from your DD.
Then, what's in it for your DD, is she ever going to meet him, go on a date, in all probability none of the above. I'd be shutting it down firmly.
Not having a teacherly pop at your parenting, but some advice based on experience of pupils getting similarly scammed online.

Kimwestonhelpless · 28/06/2025 23:41

17 year old interested in a 14 year old that's not good.
Anyone else think this doesn't ring true?

onedogatoddlerandababy · 30/06/2025 18:21

Lightuptheroom · 28/06/2025 22:36

I've been in a similar situation, but my son was 14. He became 'involved' with someone much older online who claimed to share the same interests etc., wanted to meet up, he poured his heart out to this person. The only way I dealt with it and it seemed to work was that all access to tech became heavily supervised, his laptop resided in tbe living room where I could see what he was doing, his phone became one that made calls only. Its really the only way to ensure that they are safe and not being pressurised by the other person.

This is what the schools have recently advised round my way.
no phones/tablets/laptops in bedrooms so there is little chance of them having an opportunity to takes nudes if convinced to do it.
my 13 year old has strict parental controls on her phone, the 11 year old has a brick phone for texts/calls only.
I think it’s great op that she comes to you and discusses this but she really shouldn’t have access to all this stuff overnight. That alone would cut down the contact if he lives in the states what with time difference/school hours etc

Wendiej · 30/06/2025 18:23

14 year old 17 year old sorry im I missing something here , are u for real grooming springs to mind why would u allow your 14 year old to continue with this and how did u allow this to even start that the hell is going on here !!!! I'm sorry I have teenagers and there's not a hope in hell this would be going on ,I seem to think that we are looking at a parent or parents with no control or Web safety going on here ,u really need to step up and put shit to this ASAP before u regret it

JayJayj · 30/06/2025 18:35

Put in in perspective for her. Ask her if she would “date” an 11 year old boy. I’m sure her answer will be no. And explain that’s it’s really wrong and a 17 year old in 1 year off being an “adult” and it’s really not normal.

tommyhoundmum · 30/06/2025 19:25

Lunarises · 28/06/2025 22:27

I've face timed him and spoken to his mother he's definitely 17 lol and I most definitely am being a parent

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I think Tiswa got it right

Original poster
Lunarises · 30/06/2025 19:43

JayJayj · 30/06/2025 18:35

Put in in perspective for her. Ask her if she would “date” an 11 year old boy. I’m sure her answer will be no. And explain that’s it’s really wrong and a 17 year old in 1 year off being an “adult” and it’s really not normal.

Definitely never thought of that thank you I will do that!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lunarises · 30/06/2025 19:44

Wendiej · 30/06/2025 18:23

14 year old 17 year old sorry im I missing something here , are u for real grooming springs to mind why would u allow your 14 year old to continue with this and how did u allow this to even start that the hell is going on here !!!! I'm sorry I have teenagers and there's not a hope in hell this would be going on ,I seem to think that we are looking at a parent or parents with no control or Web safety going on here ,u really need to step up and put shit to this ASAP before u regret it

I never allowed anything to start. Ber father not watching her properly did she's only just recently moved back in with me

OP posts:
Original poster
Lunarises · 30/06/2025 19:45

onedogatoddlerandababy · 30/06/2025 18:21

This is what the schools have recently advised round my way.
no phones/tablets/laptops in bedrooms so there is little chance of them having an opportunity to takes nudes if convinced to do it.
my 13 year old has strict parental controls on her phone, the 11 year old has a brick phone for texts/calls only.
I think it’s great op that she comes to you and discusses this but she really shouldn’t have access to all this stuff overnight. That alone would cut down the contact if he lives in the states what with time difference/school hours etc

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Thank you device's have since been taken at nighttime

OP posts:
Parker231 · 30/06/2025 19:49

Lunarises · 28/06/2025 21:47

He's definitely 17 and I've spoken to her about red flags she's also told him what he's doing is controlling and unacceptable

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She isn’t dating him - they’ve never met. At her age access to WiFi should be limited. No phone in her room after 8pm. Make sure she is spending her time on school work, friends and after school activities.

Lightuptheroom · 30/06/2025 19:50

To the posters deciding that mum isn't on top of this. This teen has been living with dad and only recently returned to mum, therefore mum has slightly 'inherited' this issue and is trying to resolve it. Its going to take locking down devices etc and isn't an easy option, it happens far more often than people think because this age group are normally a bit more 'tech savvy' than we are as parents and unfortunately we can end up playing catch up. Don't be afraid to move devices into shared spaces and state very clearly that a 17 yr old wouldn't normally be interested in a 14 yr old

Original poster
Lunarises · 30/06/2025 19:56

Lightuptheroom · 30/06/2025 19:50

To the posters deciding that mum isn't on top of this. This teen has been living with dad and only recently returned to mum, therefore mum has slightly 'inherited' this issue and is trying to resolve it. Its going to take locking down devices etc and isn't an easy option, it happens far more often than people think because this age group are normally a bit more 'tech savvy' than we are as parents and unfortunately we can end up playing catch up. Don't be afraid to move devices into shared spaces and state very clearly that a 17 yr old wouldn't normally be interested in a 14 yr old

Thank you 🙏 . I should of stated that but my mind wasn't on top form when I wrote this as I'd just found out what's what. Having teenagers is hard asf lol

OP posts:
Ohnobackagain · 30/06/2025 20:16

@Lunarises it’s great you and she can talk openly. I think this will fizzle out. It is more difficult that this is all ‘virtual’ but the main thing is, she understands what’s ok and what isn’t, especially about controlling nonsense - but of course the lad is probably a mass of hormones and they’ve got into a bit of an unrealistic scenario where he isn’t able to be part of her life and is too emotionally immature to deal with it all.

Miyagi99 · 30/06/2025 20:22

Lunarises · 28/06/2025 22:35

So just overnight? OK what about daytimes? Win win right

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She should be doing schoolwork in the day.

Original poster
Lunarises · 30/06/2025 20:23

Ohnobackagain · 30/06/2025 20:16

@Lunarises it’s great you and she can talk openly. I think this will fizzle out. It is more difficult that this is all ‘virtual’ but the main thing is, she understands what’s ok and what isn’t, especially about controlling nonsense - but of course the lad is probably a mass of hormones and they’ve got into a bit of an unrealistic scenario where he isn’t able to be part of her life and is too emotionally immature to deal with it all.

I agree completely

OP posts:
Original poster
Lunarises · 30/06/2025 20:24

Miyagi99 · 30/06/2025 20:22

She should be doing schoolwork in the day.

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Her school work i.e on weekends is all don't on the morning so she has the rest of the day

OP posts:
Pushmepullu · 30/06/2025 20:28

Lunarises · 28/06/2025 22:33

Being groomed by a 17 year old boy? I mean most times she's in the same room as me whilst speaking to him?

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One of the nicest and respectful students I had was a 17 yo boy, who the judge pronounced as the worst groomer and peadophile he had sentenced. OP, he is not your child’s boyfriend. He is someone she talks to online. How do you know you were speaking to his mother? You sound quite naive, or enjoying the drama.

Original poster
Lunarises · 30/06/2025 20:30

Yes I absolutely love the drama between a 14 and 17 year old can't get enough of it. It's actually the highlight of my day. You sound ridiculous right now but enjoy your perspective off me 🙏

OP posts:
RominaDina · 30/06/2025 20:32

Lunarises · 28/06/2025 22:26

Because she's going into gcse and has them for work

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Oh what nonsense. She needs her exercise books and a revision guide. For goodness sake parent this child.

RominaDina · 30/06/2025 20:34

Lunarises · 28/06/2025 22:39

Thank you 🙏 it seems such a simple issue to deal with. But in real life it isn't she's in the room with me whilst on phone to him I will start taking at night. End of the day I don't want to lose her trust yes she's 14 but she comes to me with everything and I'd rather know what's going on then her doing it in secret because that's were the trouble really starts.

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The trouble has already started. You have a 14 year old child with no limits to tech/Internet?

Lins77 · 30/06/2025 20:38

How did they "meet", OP?

I imagine that while she finds this very exciting and romantic just now, it will fizzle out.