Daughter 14 is dating an American who's 17

[Lunarises]

Just like the title says. Found out tonight my daughters over sea bf is 17 yes he lives in America. They speak daily on phone allday all night he literally says I love you a million times a day. And now becoming clingy she made a Spotify playlist with her friend and he said he didn't feel comfortable because it's a dude she did it with and he's been cheated on before. My question is do I let this relationship fizzle out or do I end this. I'm in between a rock and a hard place. Take all her gadgets so she can't speak to him and her have a melt down or do I let this fizzle out I no I will have people telling me I am a terrible parent no need already feel like one. I just need advice

So just overnight? OK what about daytimes? Win win right

I've been in a similar situation, but my son was 14. He became 'involved' with someone much older online who claimed to share the same interests etc., wanted to meet up, he poured his heart out to this person. The only way I dealt with it and it seemed to work was that all access to tech became heavily supervised, his laptop resided in tbe living room where I could see what he was doing, his phone became one that made calls only. Its really the only way to ensure that they are safe and not being pressurised by the other person.

So you’ll just let her carry on as she is, and stay up all night, every night? Don’t be so ridiculous.

Thank you 🙏 it seems such a simple issue to deal with. But in real life it isn't she's in the room with me whilst on phone to him I will start taking at night. End of the day I don't want to lose her trust yes she's 14 but she comes to me with everything and I'd rather know what's going on then her doing it in secret because that's were the trouble really starts.

Who said I'll just carry it on? Don't be so ridiculous and quick to judge how is it up there? Must be nice to have the parenting book could I borrow it?

I truly despair at the weak-willed parenting that seems to happen on MN.

A boy allllllllll the way in America has more control of your daughter's actions than you do. She is 14!

Take the phone/turn of the wifi/GCSE work in an open space or shared device then hand over the phone and fo to your bed...

Everyone is trying to be kindand understanding and inclusive and the lack boundaries is literally ruining our children

Give me strength 🤦🏾‍♀️.

You literally have no idea who this person is, and neither does your daughter. He may say he's 17, but a man can be significantly older but look much younger. Your daughter shouldn't be having access to devices and the internet at all hours. So you need to put boundaries in place, so she can't contact him at all hours!! The less opportunity she has, the likelihood is the friendship will fizzle out. It's good that you've spoken to her about his behaviour and she recognises that it's controlling and not healthy.

She’s 14 so shouldn’t have access to her phone all day and all night.

Put limits on her phone and stick to them.

My 14 year old has app limits to prevent excessive time messaging others / scrolling / watching random videos. She also has ‘downtime’ so the phone fully turns off at 9pm until the morning.

Absolutely ridiculous to allow unlimited use through the night.

Yes I agree. Her phone and tablet is out of her room at a certain time now we've just spoken about this and she's fine with it reluctant but fine he's like 5 hours behind so hopefully by time she finishes school does homework then gets ready for bed she won't have time to talk to him and it fizzles out

I say this time and time again, regardless of age, you are not in a 'relationship' with someone you have never sat in the same room as. It's just not possible.

Well I will say drip feeding or not. But she's recently moved back in with me because she was living with father who let her do anything she wanted. So she moved back here for more stability. So slowly I've been implementing routine again I never knew about this boy untill recently and only today found out his age.

I fully agree

Fully agree this is why I've sat her down and spoken to her about this. In great depth I've also spoken about groomers murderers rapist ect ect she knows

If she has only recently returned to you, you may need to check that she doesn't have any additional devices elsewhere. One of the issues I had was son had a laptop at his dad's house that I'd never even seen

At least you don't need to worry about UA sex but please keep an eye on her.... Make sure she does not send any unsuitable pics which is my concern. Hell try the "if you love me you'll send them" she's underage in both countries so remind her of that

Well why are you criticising the advice from me, and others, to not let her access her devices overnight? It’s basic common sense. Sure, that doesn’t help with the day time hours, but it’s a bloody good start.

Yes!! That's the first thing I told her and said if anything like that happens u come to me I also said on the phone that's not to happen obviously I no it still could but I've told her and she does understand

Because you never came across as giving advice u came across as extremely judgmental I'm not stupid regardless of what others think.

AI can be used to amazing effect on face time. Your confidence in the who your daughters boyfriend is might be misplaced.

The physical distance may work to your advantage. And the time difference. Keep encouraging your DD to talk to you, particularly if things the boy says seem controlling. Limit her access to the Internet, definitely have a cut-off overnight. Encourage her to keep contact with her friends and any hobbies. Half the attraction of this romance will be the novelty and drama.

I think the physical and time distance may encourage it to fizzle out but I’d worry about what a 17 year old is wanting with a 14 year old.
From things he’s already said I would find him controlling and would think he’s love bombing her.
I know you’ve mentioned speaking to him directly but I’d still be slightly concerned things are not what they seem.

It’s good she’s coming to you about things and I would try keep this open communication open. I would remind her again about inappropriate images and what not to send him.
I would limit her phone use and encourage her to go see friends at night, not spend a lot of time talking to him.

Absolutely do not try and pressure her to end it. It will have the opposite effect, push her in to his arms, encourage secrecy, and likely prevent her from confiding in you moving forwards. Instead put reasonable boundaries in (checking her devices, internet off overnight) and use it gently as an opportunity to teach her about healthy relationships. For instance you could watch the kidnapping of angel lynn and I am Nicola, both on channel 4, together as an extension around the discussions you’ve been having about controlling people.

I’m a man. I grew up not that long ago and when everyone was video calling and instant messaging each other.

When I was 17 I was trying to get served in the pub (often unsuccessfully) and the only girl I was interested in was also 17. I was a year away from going to uni. In lots of ways I was nearly an adult. Not mature, but maturing.

If I had a 14 year old cyber girlfriend and let that slip to my friends they’d have called me a “nonce” and cut me off.

Thank you 🙏 I Will most definitely watch these with her but I won't do it in such a way as like hey watch this so u don't get kidnapped ill just put it on and tell her to come watch some TV lol thank you