He lied big time, I dont know where to go from here.

[lilacclaire]

Background:
I've always been very insecure and jealous, I know this and dp knows this.
I do all the things your not meant to, check his phone and his emails constantly.
I have never found anything.
His co-worker is female, older but (imo)very attractive.
I hate him coming home and talking about her (never personal, always to do with work).
I occasionaly but regularly tell him that im sick hearing about her, so now he does not mention her and as a result there a lot of things I don't get to hear now about his work.
I blow up when she texts him jokes (which she sends to most of the other people who work there as well) and if she basically texts him anything.
Like I said, there has never been anything inappropriate, its just the fact that she texts at all.

Now for whats happened:

As part of dp's job, once a year, he and a colleague have to take people on holiday, usually 1 or 2 nights.
I asked him who was going with him (there needs to be 2) and he told me it was a male collague.
When he came back, I knew something was wrong and asked him again who he was with, he said he could not lie to me anymore and that it was his female co-worker.
I know there has been problems at work, and some of the other workers had not been keen on doing the holidays this year.
His reason for lying is obviously my insecurity and yes it would have caused a massive fight.

I don't know what to do now or where to go.

He has taken the boys away for the weekend to give me time to think. We are on the verge of breaking up.

He has assured me it was all strictly professional, he has apologised for lying, I won't go into further details but right now he is a broken man.

I am torn between feeling so betrayed and feeling so guilty that my actions have led to this.

I don't know whether we should stay together or split. I love him very much and I know he loves me very much as well.

I have never been in this situation and my head is so clouded I can't think straight.

I need an outsiders view and thats why im posting.

We are both too ashamed to admit our behaviour to anyone in RL. Him for lying and me for being so jealous and insecure.

Oh and I should add that he has never done anything in the past to make me doubt him.

TIA

Hmmm. You've not really given him a great deal of choice about this. Either lie or live with someone behaving in an unbearable manner.

I think you should both go to Relate, actually.

I can kind of understand why he lied but can also understand how you feel.

The feelings of extreme jealousy that you have are not 'normal' to most people though. You need to talk. Relate may help you to deal with your trust issues.

YOu need to get some professional help to deal with your jealousy and insecurity. No one will put up with being whined at and spied on indefinitely, they will either leave the relationship or they will end up in the mindset of 'I might as well do what I'm constantly being accused of doing as it will cheer me up and not make things any worse'.
I am very sorry for your DP, and sorry for you too, but you really have brought this on yourself. please learn from it.

I know my jealousy is not reasonable.
I am completely shattered as is he.
I can see that I never really gave him a choice.
He is ashamed of himself and angry at me for driving him to act in this manner.

Do I really need professional help, how would I get it?

Agree that the only way forward from this is to deal with your jealousy issues. Your DP lied, but from what you've written I can see why.

Your relationship cannot survive with such insecurity and mistrust on your part.

You could try Relate or you could see your GP and find out what kind of referral you could get - CBT would probably help you.

Can you talk to your DP and get to the root of your issues?

Do you understand why you are such a jealous person?

You may not necessarily need professional help but you need to gain a better insight into yourself.

Are there any self-help books you could start with?

It's good to see you recognise the problem. It's a good start to getting it sorted.

I dont blame your DP for lying. I would have lied as well if I had been him.

you need help or you will lose him. Cannot understand why he has put up with you tbh.

He has no reason to feel ashamed.

I think you need to speak to your GP and he can find someone for you to go for counselling over your jealousy and rage.

Poor DP.

well i think he lied to make you feel better

only you know whether you believe him,is there a chnce anything could have happened whilst they were suprvising other people??

people do work with other sexes without shagging them and lthough i know its your insecurity that has led him to lie to you dont you think its time you thought to yourself that you shouldnt llow yourself to become so possesive if he was going to do anything he doesnt need weekends away people conduct affairs in their lunch hour - you knew he wasnt telling you the truth that tells me hes not v good at lying.

either you a/ live your life in this self imposed state of neurosis and worry all the time hes being unfaithful to you and keep checking all his texts and mails and policing all his moves

or

b/ learn to let yourself relx and sit back apprecite what you have and stop looking for evidence that a man that clearly loves you and accepts you and your neurosis (and is a rotten liar)is being unfaithful

fgs woman you will drive him away or force him into another womans bed at this rate- you only have to read some of these threads to see how easily men are caught dont go looking for trouble imo.

sorry if its harsh its only my opinion - where have they gone?? can u join them and hve a pleasnt weekend if not send him a loving text and let this blow over-you know it makes sense.

You need to find the root of this jealousy and your low self esteem, deserving to be loved, and a little happiness and independence outside of your relationship.

Thank you for your comments.
It doesn't matter if they are harsh, they're honest and thats the main thing.
I know why im so insecure and its bugger all to do with him.
Yes he is a rotten liar.
I do believe him, we have had a very long talk.

windygalestoday, I really really want to sit back and relax and appreciate what a wonderful man I have, I have something dark inside that just won't let me.

Yes I am definetly going to need to change somehow, at least get it under control.

I have just spoken to him and he told me he loves me very much, its reduced me to tears.

Poor bugger.

first good for you for realising that you've pushed too far. my mum did this with my dad and ended up divorcing after 25yrs of marriage. tbh it was a relief, they're much happier apart. she then went on to remarry and the same behaviour cycle started only her H has anger issues so it started to spiral out of control. after loads of arguments with her i finally got the 2 of them to go to their gp for referals. it's been the best thing she's ever done.

she was reluctant to go cos she thought that they would think she was mad but she's stuck with it and she's starting to control it rather than the other way round. H has also stuck with the anger management and it has made a huge difference. it takes a long time and a lot of commitment as well as confronting things from your past that you may well want to forget for ever but it is worth it.

Your DH sounds like a decent bloke and i'm sure he'll support you. please go and see your gp and be honest with them. they should be able to point you in the right direction. good luck!!!

you need to sort yourself out. My goodness, I feel exhausted just reading the lengths you go to - you must tire yourself out completely walking around every day with that level of suspicion. No wonder dh did what he did tbh.

Are you willing to go for therapy? It sounds like you have unresolved issues you need to work through. It may just be a marriage saver for you and even without dh, it sounds like it's something you need to do.

(don't know how you jumped from where you are to marriage ending - grab your dh, sit him down, tell him you love him desperately but need to sort out your own insecurities and that may involve therapy and it may make you feel worse and it will be hard but you want to do it and make things better for yourself and because of that, for him too)

LOL Bree!!

CBT & Transactional Analysis may help - you may be able to find an integrative counsellor who practises both CBT, person centred and has a knowledge of TA; all 3 are very useful IMO.

Do it though, otherwise you'll lose him for ever - he must love you very much to put up with all that, I would have left years ago (sorry but it's true).

Foxinsocks, I really can't feel much worse tbh and it is exhausting being like this, I hate it, I used to be so happy and carefree in relationships.
I know exactly where everything went tits up for me, im terrified of getting hurt again, yet im driving him to do the thing I fear most.
The jealously is really bad with him, simply because I love him so much and therefore he has the capacity to hurt me very badly if he wished to do so.

I think i'll try a book first, im too ashamed at the moment to go the gp's.

I'll talk to him properly when they come back, im disgusted with myself.

Thank you for all your comments, you have made me face up to the nightmare that I have become.

there's no shame in needing therapy lilacclaire, I promise.

Far braver to go to the GP than to grin and bear it.

Your worst fear will become a self fulfilling prophecy if you carry on, you are not alone in this, thousands (plus) of women and men have jealousy/ insecurity issues - it's actually really easy to sort out with a good counsellor

oh lilac, don't be so ashamed that you can't access the help you need.

You're obviously very honest with yourself which is good, isn't it? But perhaps it's time to stop hating yourself so much? I can feel the self loathing from here. There's obviously a WHOLE lot more to you than the picture you've painted if your dh loves you so and has been willing to stick around. Now it's time for you to let that person out again.

whereabouts in the country are you (if you are in London, I can recommend some very good people where you don't need to go via the GP).

He had to go on this trip for work, so it seems he had little choice in who the other colleague would be. He pandered to your insecurity and didn't tell you it was the female in order to protect you imo. But then he is honest enough to have come clean afterwards.

I think you are being unreasonable in making this the make or break of your relationship. You put him in an impossible situation. But I do think that you could benefit from some counselling - even personal counselling - to understand why you are so insecure and jealous.

Im up north. thanks anyway.

There is a lot more to me, but this part of me affects a lot of stuff. obviously.

Is it easy to sort out? Part of my reluctance is because I don't think I can be cured of my jealousy?

I don't know (am not a jealous person at all) tbh but I suspect it's less of a 'cure' but more of a recognition of why you've become that way (when you weren't before) and a gentle process of stopping the cycle of negative thoughts that go round your head and create all the jealousy/suspicion.

If you didn't used to always be that way, you must be able to see that there is a possibility that you won't have to be like that in a relationship?

I mean I think everyone feels like they wish there was a cure (for anything about any sort of issue regarding the way you behave/think) because you want an easy way out, no-one wants to feel that they will have to work at a problem like this because it hurts doesn't it? And you know the process will be painful. But think of the benefits for you and your family if you can deal with whatever is eating you.

I never used to be jealous at all either.
I was badly badly hurt by a man who I loved very much.
I love DP as much, if not more, than this person.
I think that now, my brain thinks that the same thing will happen again.
I do feel like im a crap person and why would he want to be with me because im not great fun all the time (you know the daily grind of kids, housework etc).
Other women seem so secure and cheerful, why would he not want that.

Sorry for rambling, its kinda helping me just getting it down somewhere.