He lied big time, I dont know where to go from here.

[lilacclaire]

Background:
I've always been very insecure and jealous, I know this and dp knows this.
I do all the things your not meant to, check his phone and his emails constantly.
I have never found anything.
His co-worker is female, older but (imo)very attractive.
I hate him coming home and talking about her (never personal, always to do with work).
I occasionaly but regularly tell him that im sick hearing about her, so now he does not mention her and as a result there a lot of things I don't get to hear now about his work.
I blow up when she texts him jokes (which she sends to most of the other people who work there as well) and if she basically texts him anything.
Like I said, there has never been anything inappropriate, its just the fact that she texts at all.

Now for whats happened:

As part of dp's job, once a year, he and a colleague have to take people on holiday, usually 1 or 2 nights.
I asked him who was going with him (there needs to be 2) and he told me it was a male collague.
When he came back, I knew something was wrong and asked him again who he was with, he said he could not lie to me anymore and that it was his female co-worker.
I know there has been problems at work, and some of the other workers had not been keen on doing the holidays this year.
His reason for lying is obviously my insecurity and yes it would have caused a massive fight.

I don't know what to do now or where to go.

He has taken the boys away for the weekend to give me time to think. We are on the verge of breaking up.

He has assured me it was all strictly professional, he has apologised for lying, I won't go into further details but right now he is a broken man.

I am torn between feeling so betrayed and feeling so guilty that my actions have led to this.

I don't know whether we should stay together or split. I love him very much and I know he loves me very much as well.

I have never been in this situation and my head is so clouded I can't think straight.

I need an outsiders view and thats why im posting.

We are both too ashamed to admit our behaviour to anyone in RL. Him for lying and me for being so jealous and insecure.

Oh and I should add that he has never done anything in the past to make me doubt him.

TIA

well it's your self esteem innit.

thing is lilac, I bet there's not a woman on this board who hasn't been dreadfully hurt by a man/woman at some stage. But what it's done to you, is drag you down and make you feel shit about yourself and that's continued into this relationship.

You need to work on thinking about how fanfuckingtastic you are.

If it's books you are after, there are lots on building up self esteem. Perhaps if you don't want to talk to anyone (though I would strongly suggest you do because it is INCREDIBLY useful having someone who is in no way involved with you giving you impartial advice and pointing out some of the misassumptions you are making) you could start with those.

What do you do (work, kids etc.)?

Yeah, I work full time, 2 kids, step son (dp's) who lives with us full time and mine (who is not dp's).
Is it so obvious its my self esteem?
I still can't see it, thats why I wanted to post for others opinions.
DP is incredibly supportive, I think i'll start with a book and see how I go. Obviously i'll keep him informed on how the demons in my head are progressing.
He's always telling me im great, attractive etc but it just doesn't reach me iykwim.

oh gawd I'm no therapist but it seems to me that you are so busy hating yourself and waiting for your self-fulfilling prophecy to fulfill itself (i.e. for him to leave) so what you are doing is becoming your own worst enemy...so you're hating yourself, you're pushing him away with the jealously....you're doing everything to prepare for him leaving you. It's a perverse form of self protection isn't it. It's the 'I hurt so much that I'm afraid to love and be loved' type feelings it seems to me. Whadda you think?

it's an extreme form of 'I'm not worthy'.

You don't have to go via the GP. There's a website called BACP I think where you can look up counsellors in your local area. Might just be worth looking one up and seeing how much they charge (or calling Relate?).

Lilac, jealousy is born out of a few things, being betryed before maybe? never believing you're worthy? being untrustworthy? All or one of things can make people jealous. It would be more shameful if you did nothing about it than if you get it sorted.

Yes your right, im always prepared for him to leave. I always keep all the finances etc up to date 'just in case' the worst should happen.
Yes im basically waiting for it to happen, all the time.
Gawd, my head is in a serious pickle.
Thank you so much, I will look at therapists and will definetly get a book of some sort.
The comments here have been invaluable.
I was expecting to get slated for my behaviour, but was also expecting 'he's a cheating scumbag' response as well.
Thats how much my head is skewed .

I always knew I was barmy, but now I realise I cannot live like this and NEED to take some kind of action.

Thank you everyone, your feedback is very appreciated.

Not slated I hope, but reality checked we all need a little sometimes!!
I give you a week and you had better posted that you've found a therapist and are on a waiting list or something. If you're like me you'll recognise a problem and then be so relieved that you do nothing!! Strike whilst the iron is hot.

Good luck with getting better. You can do it, you know. Just remember, 'this is how I am' is not an acceptable excuse for someone who is violent, or racist, or light-fingered, and it isn;t an excuse for unreasonable jealousy either. Not having a go at you, just pointing out that change is possible and you should do it.
Also, getting over this unreasonable jealousy will make you feel so much better and happier.

Your right madamez, Im so unhappy in myself when I feel like this and obviously make everyone else unhappy.
I have ordered some self help book from amazon with good reviews, so will try that first.

I have apologised big time to dp.
I was still in the mindset this morning that this was all his fault.
Obviously that was wrong.
I know I will need his support to work through this, or maybe I need to do it myself, I probably rely on him too much.

can i ask sincerely, do you have a lot going on in your life?

only read the originalpost butyouneed help, professioanl help and fast.

your dh sholdnot have lied but you didnt give him a lot of options

sort yourself out love

You are never going to be able to stop your man meeting/working with women- we make up 50% of the population! and some women are attractive!

Jealousy and insecurity tend to be a self-fulfilling prophesy- you drive men to lies and then the trouble starts, even if it is all innocent.

Why are you so afraid of him working with attractive women? Your own self-esteem is the issue here- you must feel you are not attractive enough- in every way- to keep him.

You could be helped by a counsellor who deals with self-esteem issues or a psychotherapist.

Get yourselves off to Relate as well.

Lilac, self help books won't cut it... you have to talk to someone. Internal dialogue is never as effective as saying our feelings and exploring them out loud.

Agreed- I work in this field, and many of my clients come to me AFTER buying books which they say don't help.

Books don't challenge your thinking- or give you targets etc to work on before you meet your counsellor/therapist again.

They might give you some ideas, but you need a 2-way dialogue.

Custardo - yes, I do have a lot of things going on, i am very busy.
Its definetly nothing to do with having nothing else to occupy me.
I know why I am like this, it specifically relates to one relationship.
I will start with the book and see how it goes, if it does not help then I will seek further help.

You haven't been listening! The book on its own WON'T HELP!!

Why are you afraid of counselling?

Im not afraid of counselling.
How do you know the book won't help, I presume you only see the people it hasn't worked for?

Lilac, what could a book say that would make you not be jealous? You know you're not reasonable already. It's up to you of course but I don't know anyone that changed a deep rooted problem by reading a book.
I wish you all the best however you approach it but I have a feeling you feel 'at home' with your jealousy and it's part of who you believe you are, and some of you still believes it's justified.

Well, if enough people say books don't work, and for all the same reasons, then I tend to believe it- BUT the main point is not what they say, but my training, which means I understand why books don't work!

You can't have a DIALOGUE with yourself.
You can't CHALLENGE yourself in the way that another person would.
You CAN ignore things that are too painful to think about in depth.

IF you can motivate yourself to try to change your behaviour by reading a book, then it might help a bit.

You will need a lot of self-disciplne and staying power to keep going. You will not be able to uncover aspects of your personality that could be uncovered by psychotherapy etc.

It's not JUST me that is saying this - another poster is too.

I came back on to find the name of the website for therapists which was mentioned earlier.
I will try the book first because im embarrassed by my insecurities.
There is a therapist very close to me which is on the site.
If the book doesn't work, or if dp feels it isn't working, i WILL go and see someone.
I need to do this my own way.
I am definetly 'not at home' with these feelings, they are tearing me up.

This is what she specialises in:
Anger Management, Bereavement, Depression, Relationships, Spirituality, Stress.

I know self esteem isn't there, but I know me and I know I won't travel too far.
Its £30 a session, so its affordable.

I just want to try the book first because I am embarassed and also it would probably help me put into words what im feeling a bit easier.

I know I can type for Britain but when it comes to saying things out loud its a lot harder.

If I dare say so, the reason you have a problem is because you are not saying things out loud.

When we say things to another person, we realise how silly/irrational these thoughts can be- this doesn't happen on paper or in our heads.

There is no need to be embarrassed- people tell me EVERYTHING and believe me, I am totally unshockable.

I think that part of your resistance to talking is to protect your self and also to delay changing- as change is always a threat. Even positive change.

I hope you will find the strength to talk to a human being, and if you value your partner enough then you should do it for him.

I know deep down your right hls, that I probably will need therapy.
There, i've admitted that, 2 revalations in one day.
Its such a massive step, its because its talking to a stranger.
I could talk to DP and we could set goals down together.
We do talk a lot anyway, but then maybe there will be some things I don't want to discuss with him.
The thought of a therapist is very alien to me.
I want to be able to listen to him without these horrible feelings welling up inside, I want to be able to ask how 'female co worker' is getting on with such and such things that he's mentioned before (some medical problems).
I don't want to feel the insane rage I feel whenever she is mentioned.

Oh and the absolute fear about him wanting to be with her (like I said, he's never ever shown or said anything to make me think like this)

Lilacclaire- UI think that therapy is better because it is actually very hard to burden him withy every thought you have- it ends up with him lying and trying to hide things.
He sounds like a great bloke- could you take a leap of faith-get therapy, learn to trust him and start enjoing your life together