He lied big time, I dont know where to go from here.

[lilacclaire]

Background:
I've always been very insecure and jealous, I know this and dp knows this.
I do all the things your not meant to, check his phone and his emails constantly.
I have never found anything.
His co-worker is female, older but (imo)very attractive.
I hate him coming home and talking about her (never personal, always to do with work).
I occasionaly but regularly tell him that im sick hearing about her, so now he does not mention her and as a result there a lot of things I don't get to hear now about his work.
I blow up when she texts him jokes (which she sends to most of the other people who work there as well) and if she basically texts him anything.
Like I said, there has never been anything inappropriate, its just the fact that she texts at all.

Now for whats happened:

As part of dp's job, once a year, he and a colleague have to take people on holiday, usually 1 or 2 nights.
I asked him who was going with him (there needs to be 2) and he told me it was a male collague.
When he came back, I knew something was wrong and asked him again who he was with, he said he could not lie to me anymore and that it was his female co-worker.
I know there has been problems at work, and some of the other workers had not been keen on doing the holidays this year.
His reason for lying is obviously my insecurity and yes it would have caused a massive fight.

I don't know what to do now or where to go.

He has taken the boys away for the weekend to give me time to think. We are on the verge of breaking up.

He has assured me it was all strictly professional, he has apologised for lying, I won't go into further details but right now he is a broken man.

I am torn between feeling so betrayed and feeling so guilty that my actions have led to this.

I don't know whether we should stay together or split. I love him very much and I know he loves me very much as well.

I have never been in this situation and my head is so clouded I can't think straight.

I need an outsiders view and thats why im posting.

We are both too ashamed to admit our behaviour to anyone in RL. Him for lying and me for being so jealous and insecure.

Oh and I should add that he has never done anything in the past to make me doubt him.

TIA

It's a cliche, but admitting you have a problem means you are half way to solving it.

Try to think of you control IT ( the jealousy) rather than IT controlling you.

Your basic fear is that you lack control over your life. Once you understand that you cannot control anyone, or anything, except your own thoughts and actions, you will be on the way to healing yourself.

In a very simple sense, your mind needs re-programming, so that you don't think jealous thoughts. it CAN be done- good luck!

He is a great bloke spanky81, and I mean really deep down he is great on all levels.
Lets face it, he must be to put up with my shit!

oh everyone who doesn't like talking feels that way about counselling lilacclaire. Really they do . The counsellor would have seen it all before. I think the trick here is not to use dh as a counsellor. Yes, he's your friend and you love him loads but I think you need to sort this out independently of him. Honestly, I cannot tell you how helpful it is to have someone who is INDEPENDENT of your situation challenging what you are saying/thinking.

you posted on here because you knew that you needed people who were divorced from your situation

Its got such a strong grip of me hls, do you really think that therapy can help?
I know I can't control everything and thats what scares me too.

you must be careful that your insecurities do not push him away. you re giving him the impression u do not trust him.
i think he was trying to protect you

Yes your right.
It does need to be independant of him.
Its ME that needs to change, he hears enough of my rubbish, he doesn't need to hear anymore.

Lilac claire- You must be a good sort yourself.
Go on, admit it

My dp is a residential care worker and has had to take people on holiday with a colleague. They were adults with learning difficulties and generally it's not the sort of trip which I imagine would be too conducive to anything much.

Hope you find thereapy helpful if that's what you decide to go for.

Bethoo, i've told him outright that I don't trust him.

yes, therapy can help you- you have just got to be brave and take the plunge! It can't be any worse or more unpleasant than what you are putting up with now, can it?

TBH I was working with someone like you not long ago, over roughly 4 months. It's a case of gradually changing your behaviour, and raising your self-esteem. AND realising that you can't control things- you need to be able to let go.
If you really want to change enough, then it is all possible.

I have my good points spanky, just this one bad point is a VERY BIG bad point.

lila do you have any reason to distrust him?

I second the getting a counsellor for the reasons foxinsox does. I know I use my DH as a counsellor and I don't know ghow he puts up with it.
I know it is because by telling him everything I feel like I am passing the responsibility on to him, relieving myself of it. And that is just wrong. Too much pressure for him and I feel he loses a little respect for me.

Did they get a bit better hls?

Bethoo - I have never had any reason to distrust him.

Spanky - I don't want to burden him with all my crap (haha what am I doing now).
Im sure there is also some things he would not want to hear anyway, especially as it was my last big relationship that has left me this mess!

in that case i think you need to try and figure out why, if it is becasue you have been burnt in the past you cant presume it will happen again as it will cahse him away if he is always fearful of your reaction and having to hide things from you.

Oh and do you think that the therapist will be able to help me? Im asking because Self Esteem wasn't listed in her things, but relationships was?

lila- they were completely sorted, even though I say it myself! Without giving too much away, she used to read his phone/emails, and a whole lot more- can't say because of confidentiality.

She had to accept first that her behaviour was driving him away and into the arms of any loving other woman! She also had to work on her self-esteem, and gradually change her behaviour- by promising me that she would do X,Y,Z each week.

You CAN change, believe me.

You need to get a counsellor who is listed with BACUP- British association of Counselling and Psychotherapy. This means they are properly qualified.

You can browse. www.bacp.co.uk and find one near to you. Ring a few and see how you feel about them on the phone if you tell them a little bit about the problem.

Off the top of my head, I go through pockets, check the car, I changed the settings on his instant messaging to save the messages so I could read them later.

I've basically confessed all this to him now, I know it needs to be the end of this behaviour and that's why I told him.

He was genuinely shocked and hurt by my confession.

And no, i've never found a hint of anything.

The one I looked at is registered with them.

I've been to therapy, lilac, and believe me, it was the best thing I could have done. I used to have lousy self-esteem, and consequently my dh used to suffer if he went on a night out, mentiones a girl he used to work with etc etc, and like your dh, he has never in 20 years given me anything but love, so i had to change. My decision, by the way.
Books couldn't have helped me, I needed to let it all out to someone who was impartial, who could ask me questions that I couldn't ask/see myself. It was really hard walking in that door for the first time, I thought the therapist would despise me for the way I behaved, and also I was so embarrassed myself as to the way I behaved.
But as I said, it was the best thing I ever did, and I cannot stress enough how important it is that you seek help. I had my therapy 7 years ago and my whole life has improved beyond belief. Please get help, you really need it as what you and your dh have sounds too precious to lose.
I haven't told many people I went for therapy, only my dh and my bf know, but I wanted to tell you how it helped me in the hope you will put the book down and book an appointment with someone who can really help you.
Sending you so many hugs......xx

okay- so promise yourself that you will not do any of that again- but go and get help otherwise it will all fester away and come out again later.

Thanks ladymariner, you've made me cry again (haven't for 6 hours now), your right, its taking the first step thats so hard. Your post means a lot.

hls, I know it will come back, I really do know this. Your right about the book, I was in denial, I can't do it myself, I've let it go too far for that.

And sorry for snapping back when you told me the book wouldn't work, I was getting a bit defensive, but you probably know that anyway!