He lied big time, I dont know where to go from here.

[lilacclaire]

Background:
I've always been very insecure and jealous, I know this and dp knows this.
I do all the things your not meant to, check his phone and his emails constantly.
I have never found anything.
His co-worker is female, older but (imo)very attractive.
I hate him coming home and talking about her (never personal, always to do with work).
I occasionaly but regularly tell him that im sick hearing about her, so now he does not mention her and as a result there a lot of things I don't get to hear now about his work.
I blow up when she texts him jokes (which she sends to most of the other people who work there as well) and if she basically texts him anything.
Like I said, there has never been anything inappropriate, its just the fact that she texts at all.

Now for whats happened:

As part of dp's job, once a year, he and a colleague have to take people on holiday, usually 1 or 2 nights.
I asked him who was going with him (there needs to be 2) and he told me it was a male collague.
When he came back, I knew something was wrong and asked him again who he was with, he said he could not lie to me anymore and that it was his female co-worker.
I know there has been problems at work, and some of the other workers had not been keen on doing the holidays this year.
His reason for lying is obviously my insecurity and yes it would have caused a massive fight.

I don't know what to do now or where to go.

He has taken the boys away for the weekend to give me time to think. We are on the verge of breaking up.

He has assured me it was all strictly professional, he has apologised for lying, I won't go into further details but right now he is a broken man.

I am torn between feeling so betrayed and feeling so guilty that my actions have led to this.

I don't know whether we should stay together or split. I love him very much and I know he loves me very much as well.

I have never been in this situation and my head is so clouded I can't think straight.

I need an outsiders view and thats why im posting.

We are both too ashamed to admit our behaviour to anyone in RL. Him for lying and me for being so jealous and insecure.

Oh and I should add that he has never done anything in the past to make me doubt him.

TIA

Don't worry about how to start- your counsellor will be able to ask you all the right things to get you started.

Good luck.

Well done lila - it's a huge step you've made so be proud of yourself.

As hls says, don't worry, she/he will know what to ask you, just be 100% honest about things and don't worry about being judged - counsellors don't judge! the more info you provide the quicker your resolutions will become clear to you.

Best of luck and keep us posted

You sound like a sweetheart yourself, lilac. It's such a shame that the actions of someone who let you down years ago are outweighing the actions of your lovely husband now.

Good luck with your therapy. I'm sure you will benefit enormously. Wanting to change is half the battle.

Good luck Lilacclaire, you'll come through this stronger than you know. Give your dh a big kiss when you see him!! Well done for being brave enough to come on here and be so honest about yourself, thats the most important and hardest thing to do in therapy. Wishing you all the best!!!!!

Wishing you all the very best, lilac, and thinking of you.
xxx

your bloke sounds lovely. He didnt need to admit he lied. I think u need to admit to him u have a problem with jealousy and agree to talk about it when you get the green eyed monster urge. Ask that he is honest with u and reassures u when u feel insecure so u can get over this.

Thanks everyone, I have an appointment tommorow with the counsellor.

Best of luck lilacclaire. I really hope you can learn to appreciate yourself and you and your DH get through this.

Really well done LilacClaire. It's so easier to blame another and carry on as normal ourselves, so what you've done is brave and I hope you get the results you deserve from counselling (it can make you a bit down, dragging up old stuff you'd rather forget, but it does help). Very best of luck.

Oh, 'scuse the grammar. It doesn't detract from the sentiment

Well I went to the counselling but didn't find it all that helpful to be honest.
From what she said I think I need CBT which she said she didn't do, but when she was describing it I thought that was exactly what I needed.
It wasn't a total waste of time, but I know she wasn't equipped to help me.
Im going to make an appointment with the docs and see if I can get a referral that way.
Onwards and upwards !

I hope you get on okay- CBT is great- what you might find is that after CBT the counselling might help a bit.
Well done for doing something about it- the other thing is- all counsellors are different so it might still be worth considering, with someone different.

Yeah maybe, i'll go via the doc's and see what they suggest.

I just felt that all she could offer was a sounding board and bounce some idea's back, most of which I know the answers to anyway, or do with DP.

Couldn't really offer any practical advice on how to change my reaction to things which I guess is what im looking for (I think)

well done for going. at least you know what you need to do and you can be proactive about it.

I went to my GP and she wanted to refer me to either psychiatric services or a psychologist.

I thought it was people who had serious mental healt problems who went to see a psychiatrist? I had visions of a bit of wood between my teeth getting ECT and panicked a bit!

Anyway, im being referred to a psychologist (after convincing her im not a total nut job!)

Psychiatrists definately do counselling, too. The only difference (I think) is that they can write prescriptions, too.