He lied big time, I dont know where to go from here.

[lilacclaire]

Background:
I've always been very insecure and jealous, I know this and dp knows this.
I do all the things your not meant to, check his phone and his emails constantly.
I have never found anything.
His co-worker is female, older but (imo)very attractive.
I hate him coming home and talking about her (never personal, always to do with work).
I occasionaly but regularly tell him that im sick hearing about her, so now he does not mention her and as a result there a lot of things I don't get to hear now about his work.
I blow up when she texts him jokes (which she sends to most of the other people who work there as well) and if she basically texts him anything.
Like I said, there has never been anything inappropriate, its just the fact that she texts at all.

Now for whats happened:

As part of dp's job, once a year, he and a colleague have to take people on holiday, usually 1 or 2 nights.
I asked him who was going with him (there needs to be 2) and he told me it was a male collague.
When he came back, I knew something was wrong and asked him again who he was with, he said he could not lie to me anymore and that it was his female co-worker.
I know there has been problems at work, and some of the other workers had not been keen on doing the holidays this year.
His reason for lying is obviously my insecurity and yes it would have caused a massive fight.

I don't know what to do now or where to go.

He has taken the boys away for the weekend to give me time to think. We are on the verge of breaking up.

He has assured me it was all strictly professional, he has apologised for lying, I won't go into further details but right now he is a broken man.

I am torn between feeling so betrayed and feeling so guilty that my actions have led to this.

I don't know whether we should stay together or split. I love him very much and I know he loves me very much as well.

I have never been in this situation and my head is so clouded I can't think straight.

I need an outsiders view and thats why im posting.

We are both too ashamed to admit our behaviour to anyone in RL. Him for lying and me for being so jealous and insecure.

Oh and I should add that he has never done anything in the past to make me doubt him.

TIA

That's okay- I hope you feel a bit better- don't let it get the better of you- fight back and you'll be okay! Good luck

Thank you so much, I feel a bit clearer in my head now, I was so confused.
I know its only the first step, keep your fingers crossed for me.

I'm here if you need me, lilac xx

When I first went I thought I was a failure as everyone else had a great life and made it look easy, they didn't need therapy, why was I such a mess that I did. Now I realise that things aren't always what they seem, and the fact that I was willing to seek help meant that far from being weak I was actually being very strong and getting hold of my life again, taking control.
My dh is on a stag night tonight and I can honestly say I'm actually pleased he's gone. Pre-therapy it would have been awful in the few days leading up to him going. I would have been really stroppy, then when/if he actually did go, I would have spent the evening torturing myself with all the thoughts of what he was doing, all the girls he would be looking at..... what a bloody chronic way to live, looking back on it! Especially as , like I said, he loves me totally, and has never, ever given me any reason to doubt him.
Tonight I dropped him and his mate off at the bowling alley at 4.30 (god knows what state they're in by now!!!), then went shopping () then came home, watched nancy with ds, now I'm on here with you guys. And life is so easy!!
I'm right here with you, lilac
xxx

Your right, I feel like a failure.

His christmas works nights out were a nightmare for me, I felt physically sick on the night and was stressed out about it for weeks beforehand.

Of course I went on my own nights out with no problems!

I can't ever imagine being please for him going out, I hope I can one day be that gracious as he is with me.

He went out one afternoon with his brother and his pal to buy them a couple of pints to say thanks for helping do our garden and I was sick with worry again, its ridiculous and I know its not normal. He was back for teatime fgs!

In a way, it was a form of control, as I was the same as you, I could go out and did/do with no problem. He was always really pleased for me to go out and that made me feel worse really.
Honestly lilac, you've made huge steps just by admitting there is a problem and accepting that you have to do something about it. You really won't regret it, and you will be able to deal with it.

Must be very hard for you. You've obviously been badly hurt and let down hugely in the past (and I'm wondering if it's just the one ex that did this to you).

But, he sounds like a top bloke, who sounds like he's damned if he does, and damned if he doesnt. You owe him a HUGE apology for starters, and as others have said, you need some real help and support with this problem. Because it's almost as if you are subconciously pushing for him to leave you, just to prove yourself right.

Thanks, it really is good to hear from someone who's come out the other side.
It really does consume me most of the time.
I am a complete control freak as well.

Maybe this is tmi, but I constantly demand sex as well, but sex has nothing to do with it iykwim, its like a reassurance that he still fancies me.

VVVQVS, I really had a number done on me, honestly I think I had some kind of breakdown during it.
Tbh, its ancient history but sadly has left a damaging effect on me.

It's really not ancient history if it's having such a direct effect on the way you are behaving at present. To be how you are, you must have real self-esteem issues based on how you were treated.

What you need to realise, which a good deal of counselling and support will help you with, is, that, what happened to you before, didnt happen because of anything you did, it happened because of who you were with. The person you are with now is a completely different person to the one who screwed you up.

The sex thing is all part of the control issue, its like saying well you're having what you need with me so you won't need to be with anyone else. But that's just making you feel worthless and you won't be that good an actress that he doesn't know what you're up to, so it will be making him feel terrible aswell.
He loves you, you don't need to make him prove it to you. He loves YOU!!!

what happened to you before, didnt happen because of anything you did, it happened because of who you were with

Im hearing it, but not believing it iykwim.

Yes, it does make me feel worthless, because I still feel as insecure after it! So its not really achieving anything (apart from the obvious).

This has opened up a whole can of worms, maybe its just as well he did what he did, otherwise this would have just went on and on.

Are you beginning to see why he did what he did, why he felt he had to lie to you? I'm not saying he was right to lie but as someone earlier on said, he was trying to protect you from what I can tell. He was honest with you and told you the truth though, isn't it time you told him the truth about how you're feeling and what you are going to do about it aswell.
You will need his support when you start going, you don't have to tell him what happens whilst you're there but it's lovely to come home and feel as though you're dong something really positive for your relationship.

Oh I know exactly why he lied and I completely understand why he had too.

Someone said earlier that I would probably have had a breakdown if he'd told me the truth and they were right.

There was no other option for him, I know what im like.

I'll tell him that im going to see someone when he comes home. I wouldn't keep something like that from him anyway, Im an open book, he know exactly what I feel about everything!

Well. in that case you're on the way, and I promise you things will get better. You will still have bad days but the best thing is that you will be able to deal with them without war breaking out, you will be able to feel it coming on and have strategies in place to overcome it. And that actually sounds quite scary but it isn't, christ if I can do it then anyone can!!
Wishing you and dh all the love and luck in the world, lilac
xx

I can't believe I got all this help, it really has been invaluable.
Thank you so much to everyone who replied x

Did he cheat on you?

Have you taken the trouble to read the thread, vixma???

He's just texted me, he's off to bed now.
I texted him and told him I need to see a therapist, that its not fair on him and I can't go on feeling like this.
(text is wonderful, it would be so hard to let my defences down like this to his face).
I've said im so so sorry for all this.

He texted back to say remember I love you and we'll be ok and get through it.

He is one in a million, I just need to read the other threads on here to know he's worth battling my demons for.

He sounds lovely

imagine how much more he could love you if you let your defences down.

Now if only he didnt fart he would be perfect

Im feeling very vunerable but lighter, i've kept all these feelings in for so long, to finally admit them out in the open is a huge.

The fact that you were not like this to start with suggests it's not the kind of person you are, it's learned behaviour, which is much easier to unlearn than something you've grown up with.

Counselling is physiotherapy for the soul. It's like if you'd broken your leg badly and needed professional help to get it working again. It's no good saying you used to have two good legs so why doesn't it just straighten up, your leg ought to mend by itself, lots of people's legs don't need help; this was a bad 'un and it does, you can't help that. It wasn't your fault your bastard ex ran it over with a truck!

Er, have I taken a metaphor too far again...?

Lila - glad you are still talking this through and just wanted to back up everything that hls said, I agree that a book on its own will not work at all, generally in my experience they are only useful as an additional support to counselling or for people who are not so entrenched in their low self esteem (as you appear to be) - where up North are you?

To be honest, from reading your posts, you are halfway there already (admitting that the problem/ issue is yours not dh's) so get to a good counsellor (BACP) you can self refer without going via GP and it's entirely confidential - just think in a few weeks these destructive feelings that you have could be controlled for ever and with time, disappear as you begin to love and trust in yourself more.

It's liberating - best of luck xx

"It's like if you'd broken your leg badly and needed professional help to get it working again. It's no good saying you used to have two good legs so why doesn't it just straighten up"

Annie, that is exactly my attitude to things, i've known ive been irrational in the past and because I know WHY i'm like that, i've thought that I can 'get over it'.

Obviously, I can't.

Having slept on it, I know I still need help.
I was physically shaking/trembling yesterday, DP isn't due back until tommorow, but to be honest I think i've needed the time to think and he probably needs his own time as well.

I can't wait to be that happy person inside again, I really can be fun you know

Annie's analogy is excellent - I don't know why in the UK we are so scared of admitting we have a problem with our brains/ emotions, but we are and this stops so many people getting the proper help it's tragic.

It is a part of the body that's poorly, just like anything else and (just like anything else) it can be fixed.

Don't feel alone in this, many people have exactly this problem from learnt behaviour, unfortunately it can wreck your life and relationship so get the help that's waiting for you

I've emailed a local councilor (sp) who is registered with BACP.
I will wait until midweek and call if I don't get a response.
I don't know how to start, maybe I should print off my opening post, it kind of explains a lot.