DH wants DM rental income

[MMMMMBacon]

Summarised backstory first -

Married for 21 years and together 23/24 years. I am almost 47 Y/o. I am the higher earner of the two of us though we both earn decently - My only gap in work being a year Mat break 15 years ago. No second child mainly cos he is very tight fisted with money , even mine. I have always compromised and led a simple life - no fancy holidays etc , no fancy eating out or splurges with shopping. My only 'extravagance' from his perspective is I wanted our son to go a fee paying school and he does. Both our mortgage and DS school fees as well council tax, utilities, both phones go from my account that he also has a card to. His salary goes to another account that he saves , as he says, for 'our' retirement - he does afford himself little treats from there. He buys the groceries from there for us. He doesnt like eating out.

My mother has willed her house to me and is now almost 70. Last year she had rot and flooding in one part of the house and her situation was pitiable, staying at a friends house as the roof in one part of the house was horrific. She lives comfortably on a pension and some savings in the bank but didnt have enough to rebuild or even renovate parts of the house and it was ancient/crumbling. She thought about selling it to a small developer who would build it up as 2 units and then sell one and give her one unit. which I would get in future was her plan, it was H who said the developer seems very dodgy blah blah blah , finally long story short - I paid the money for the renovation and repairs which was under 50K (with him okaying it at the time) - now he says my mother should pay him 300 GBP every month for the 50K since he refused to free up any liquidity for me to have the 50k ( we have other assets we could have sold, and I had other plans for financing it myself) but he insisted at the time he pay the 50K from his severance pay he got last year (he got a new job immediately) - I told him I will give him the 300 GBP but he insists my mother pay it out of her monthly pension and savings. presumably my money is all his anyway and not he wants more. AIBU ?

So sorry, hope you hear from your son soon. What a worry, he is obviously doing it to punish you.

I must say, I prefer the "get those dicks in a row", more than the ducks!

@MMMMMBacon cutting off his access to your accounts right away. Please instruct a forensic accountant to track down his savings. Them being in his sole name will be tricky to get any of it. Do not leave the marital home, not sure why he thinks you'll be leaving when you've bloody been paying for it.

Get a great solicitor ASAP.

I hope your son returns home safely very soon.

Thanks @Bitchesbelike , son turned on live location when coming back from school , but it only lasts an hour - I think my son left his phone at home as H sometimes suggests teens should not always be on their phones , while at a hobby class or school etc. I wasnt paying attention when they left at 7pm I think or earlier , I was angry with H.

This is me immediately shown who is boss around here now.

Good god what an awful man , I would not trust him financially at all

Do you have evidence he put ‘his’ spare income into a pension?

Do you have a pension OP?

Block his access to your bank account now and take half of any joint account money. Get good legal advice and hit him where it hurts!

Just the minimum statutory workplace pension that my employer contributes too as well - since around 2004/ 2005 .....

Same with H re workplace pension

I should not have sent that text. How can I be at peace when DS is with him presumably 50/50 ?

It's easy to get sucked into what you think is a loving relationship the partner tells you how much they love you & only doing it because they love you so much & only doing all this because they love you.

Then you find you're so deep in & wonder how, as an intelligent woman you got yourself into this.

It very often starts with financial abuse - you think the police aren't gong to take you seriously if you say 'he doesn't let me have control of my own money' then moves on to controlling what you wear-he tells you not wear make-up you feel silly, saying to the police 'he won't let me wear make up' then there are the clothes: how can you say 'he got angry & ripped up my mini skirt because he thought I looked tarty' Then he makes you ring him when you get to work, at lunchtime, when you're on you're on your way home from work 'because he only cares about you' you think the police would only think that he cares about you. They don't join the dots until it becomes violent.

He’s an angry, unreasonable man. His response doesn’t sound normal to me. Obviously you shouldn’t have texted him your desire for a divorce. You should have instructed a solicitor first and considered how to protect yourself both financially, emotionally and physically. Not to worry you but I would be thinking of my (and my sons) welfare.

Anyway that ship has sailed, that’s just the way it is. Going forward please focus on the health and safety of your own position. It sounds a very unhealthy, confrontational start to divorce. See a solicitor pronto as people have suggested. Hide all your important personal documents eg at your mothers. Passports, photos, personal documents, jewellery, anything sentimental.

Good luck OP. Consider the many good possibilities for your future.

I hope your son gets home safely soon. Stay safe x

WTF? Missed that one about him missing with son! I'd be calling the police now. Please call 999 & tell them your 16 year old son is missing. Tell them that you're concerned that H may harm him.

DO IT NOW!

So really half that money should have been going into your own private pension.

Or course you can be at peace and he may not take 50:50.

You can’t be at peace around a man like this though.

Don't trust him with anything to do with finances and make sure that he no longer has access to your own accounts.

Or…he hasn’t shown you who’s boss, he’s just shown you (again) what a manipulative, abusive individual he is. Which is useful to know, albeit difficult to stomach.

He might think he’s the boss, let him if it helps you get your ducks in a row (solicitor, support from organisation like refuge or women’s aid considering the financial and clearly emotional abuse he’s perpetrating against you, etc), but you’ve got this OP. I’ve seen so many amazing women on here supporting others in leaving dreadful relationships for better lives, I have no doubt you’ll get the same support if you want / need it!

Your son is nearly 16. He can get on a train to visit his dad. He doesn’t need every other weekend arrangements like a little kid. You move where will be happiest for you.

Not home and not picking calls still

I am genuinely hoping H is doing this to punish me and not an incident on the motorway - there are parts of the A road enroute that are not at all well lit - never been this late without at least a terse one liner that I can remember

Cant even think which friends to call around now at 11pm - my mother is not here, my family are all in southern part of the UK and I am almost in the northern borders.

Greedy pig bastard

Can you call someone else who was at the hobby thing to confirm they were there and what time they left?

OP now is the time to freak out. Call the police, the hobby group they were at (look for members on Facebook), hell even the neighbours & family members (including in-laws) be VERY VERY HONEST with everybody. Your child is missing & you've announced your plans to leave your abusive husband.

Don't worry that it's late. Call any contacts from the hobby.

Your husband IS doing this to punish you, no question about it. He’s probably told DS they are having a treat night and staying in a hotel.
go to bed, I know this must be hard, but he will be back to get ready for school in morning latest.
If not, call school after registration.
if not there, it’s court time… BUT there’s not a lot you can do as he’s a parent too.
he’s being a massive mother fucking cunt. However, do you really truly think he would cause your son harm?

I am NOT excusing this at all, my ex would never do this to me or our boys…. But your husband seems to be doing so. Please please try and stay calm.

See, I don't reckon there's anything wrong with a middle-aged woman living with her mum, if they're both happy to do so. Yet lots of people were saying they'd find it weird a man living with his dad...

Where would he take my son though ? He wouldnt splurge on a hotel I am sure of that. Just no way.

either he is punishing me just driving around in the dark but he wouldnt do that as it is school day tomorrow
or something has happened when they driving in the dark and that is what I am panicking now

OP, he may well be willing to spend on a hotel to get at you, even if he wouldn't normally.

You can wait it out or you can take action by either calling someone else at the hobby, to check if they were there, or call the police. As someone said above, tell them you told your abusive husband you were leaving him and he's gone missing with your son.

It would be an INCREDIBLE coincidence for there to be a problem today of all days. He’s doing this on purpose. Maybe driving around having had a late night McDonalds? I personally think hotel or just driving.

he’s a bastard. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.