DH wants DM rental income

[MMMMMBacon]

Summarised backstory first -

Married for 21 years and together 23/24 years. I am almost 47 Y/o. I am the higher earner of the two of us though we both earn decently - My only gap in work being a year Mat break 15 years ago. No second child mainly cos he is very tight fisted with money , even mine. I have always compromised and led a simple life - no fancy holidays etc , no fancy eating out or splurges with shopping. My only 'extravagance' from his perspective is I wanted our son to go a fee paying school and he does. Both our mortgage and DS school fees as well council tax, utilities, both phones go from my account that he also has a card to. His salary goes to another account that he saves , as he says, for 'our' retirement - he does afford himself little treats from there. He buys the groceries from there for us. He doesnt like eating out.

My mother has willed her house to me and is now almost 70. Last year she had rot and flooding in one part of the house and her situation was pitiable, staying at a friends house as the roof in one part of the house was horrific. She lives comfortably on a pension and some savings in the bank but didnt have enough to rebuild or even renovate parts of the house and it was ancient/crumbling. She thought about selling it to a small developer who would build it up as 2 units and then sell one and give her one unit. which I would get in future was her plan, it was H who said the developer seems very dodgy blah blah blah , finally long story short - I paid the money for the renovation and repairs which was under 50K (with him okaying it at the time) - now he says my mother should pay him 300 GBP every month for the 50K since he refused to free up any liquidity for me to have the 50k ( we have other assets we could have sold, and I had other plans for financing it myself) but he insisted at the time he pay the 50K from his severance pay he got last year (he got a new job immediately) - I told him I will give him the 300 GBP but he insists my mother pay it out of her monthly pension and savings. presumably my money is all his anyway and not he wants more. AIBU ?

calling round now...thanks....

Son back home safe from the event (with H). Thank you all so much for your kindness. God bless you all thank you.

Asked DS to please take his phone, he asked why didnt you just call dad if you were worried about us. Too exhausted to explain I did call his dad 10+ times in the past half hour. DS looked exhausted and a bit fed up too so just let him go to bed.

See I could never do this, what H did so cruelly tonight.....I could never do this to anyone.

Also, as soon as he turns 16, he doesn’t have a custody arrangement. He can choose who he lives with and how much he does/doesn’t want to see the other parent.

I thought you said your DH blocked you? So how are you calling him? Have you checked that your son hasn't left his phone in his room?
Anyways, I would personally call the non-emergency police number and ask if there has been any incidents as your son & DH are X hours late and not responding to any calls and give them the car reg.

Call the police and explain you mistakenly told H you wanted divorce when he was out at night with DC and you now fear for their safety as they are very late home/haven't returned and you can't contact them..

So glad to hear he’s home safe. Unfortunately, he’s now shown you his cards. This isn’t going to be nice, and you need to see a solicitor tomorrow.
Start grey rocking him immediately.

I'm so sorry @MMMMMBacon that he has done this.

What an awful man, I'm sure your son is fine. Your husband is trying to punish you, Hope this gives you more strength to divorce him.

Sending love @MMMMMBacon and so very glad your son is back home safely. x

@MMMMMBacon

Glad DS is home safe and sound. If necessary you can raise the issue about him always having his phone later. You can always fib and say you read a story about a teen being abducted and it was upsetting. Ask him to just 'humour his old mum for now'.

Say nothing to STBX about being worried, etc. Don't give him the satisfaction nor the means of 'getting to you' by doing it again.

At this point you need to consider carefully just about every move you make. You'll be able to relax a bit once you've gotten legal advice. Just remember that he is now your adversary, no matter how 'nice' he tries to play.

He’s a bully - he is just doing this to punish you. My dad is a bit like that and when mum would threaten to leave growing up he would pull stunts like this. When I was little my mum threatened to leave one year and spent xmas with her parents - he took me aside sobbing and told me Santa wouldn't come to him as he wasn’t with his family. Interestingly my dad’s father was violent to the family and controlled his mother’s finances which is what my dad did to my mum too. My dad was the higher earner but my mums money paid for anything to do with us, holidays, groceries, along with half the bills - he hid a lot of money that my mums only found out about years after they separated. After they split he paid for anything extension on a girlfriends house, took her away for several months on a trip around the world, his most recent one he paid for new teeth and sent thousands in cash (online relationship initially) when she moved to the country he changed his will to leave her everything (she ditched him shortly after). His meanness with money was for his family, he splurged on girlfriends and even strangers.

He has been financially abusing you getting you to pay the mortgage while he squirrels money away in just his name. He is likely going to try and hide it now if he hasn’t already done so. Whatever you do don’t move out, you paid the mortgage let him leave! Also get a lawyer immediately and get someone to fully investigate finances - if he’s on the deeds of the house he needs to start paying half. You need to talk to someone and find out your rights - he is a professional victim - in his mind anything in his name is his and half the stuff in your name is his too - he will be sneaky and manipulative. Don’t let him away with this - get angry and fight for yourself and your son!!!

P.S. Buy your son a smart watch with a tracker thing - my brother got one for his son so he doesn’t have to carry a phone everywhere, he can even make calls from it.

Agree it was to control and punish.
do not leave and get legal advice as soon as you can

@bridgetreilly , thank you , when you said a 16 year old can just get on a train to see his dad, he doesnt need formal arrangements etc - I felt such relief in a way. No haggling it out in court etc but on the other hand, when you said he can choose who he lives with, I cant help but worry a bit as H can gaslight and brainwash like his life depended on it , and he has form for threatening me , sometimes even half jokingly sometimes in a sinister way - that if I ever left him , he would hit me where it hurt and fight for full custody of DS.....(most times I have to remind him to spend time with his son though , so it has been hard to take this as a serious threat when I am calm).....

He buys lottery tickets every week and says when he's a millionaire he will ride off into the sunset with a 20 something .... maybe he will splurge and spend a lot on her ....

He's not even hiding his plans from you. He plays the lottery twice: once in the usual way and once by leeching off you and putting money aside - the majority of his own income and also plenty of yours too (as well as eyeing up what your Mum has).

Considering that he already has repeatedly 'won the lottery' in the second way, I wouldn't be at all surprised if he already has a 20-something in the picture. Are you sure that expensive cake was genuinely for his 'cousin' and not for his 'preferred wife' down south (whether legally yet or not)?

You know how a lot of people from much poorer countries in Asia will leave their families behind for a while in order to earn well in the UK or other wealthy western nations and then send money back home, with the long-term goal to return themselves - all for the long-term financial benefit of the whole family? Well, it wouldn't surprise me in the least if he considers his marriage to you is the 'temporarily living away whilst he pockets a fortune' investment for as long as he can get away with it (thankfully, that means until now and no longer) and then his plans to retire clearly have nothing to do with you, but rather with the young wife-to-be down south, whom he actually loves, whom he has actually effectively admitted to.

He may already have children with her, except they tell them that "Daddy has to live away from us for now to be able to work hard and provide for the family". Of course, the 'working hard' is YOU working hard and him grifting off you.

What an utterly despicable man. I agree with PP that he seems utterly obsessed with money, to the detriment of actually enjoying life - unless he has compartmentalised to himself that now is the 'tough' part whilst he actually amasses the money (from your hard work and misery) and then his (not your) retirement is when he can properly start enjoying life.

I'd expect him to be trying to go all-out now to maximise his 'retirement' income by grifting as much as he can from you (and maybe your Mum), now you've said enough is enough and put the brakes on his retirement pot, and his retirement is now on the horizon. Move everything NOW. It can be extremely easy: just open another savings account via online banking (obviously that he won't have access to) and then transfer the lot. Then take a few days to set up a new current account for bills and everything.

Yes @Ebeneser , thank you for your post - H has form for being a man child and blocking for a day when any argument and then unblocks a day or two later, but we have a whatsapp group with DS for school run stuff, and I called on the group, he would have still got the call even if 1-2-1 blocked me - but I am sure he did not pick up on purpose as punishing for having made a fuss today about asking my mother for 300 pounds a month, and also threatening (as he prob sees it) to leave over it and taking a stand ...and moving into the guest room.

He cannot fight for 50 50 with a 16yo as the 16yo’s wishes will prevail.

He sounds really nasty. I’d get an AirTag for your DS’s bag and you can then track your ds even if he doesn’t have his phone.

Totally correct CAFCASS will assess, see if son wants contact But at 16 it's very much in your son's power what contact he wants & how it takes place.

He may well feel relieved & not want contact at all. That doesn't mean that he will never have contact in the future. But that's up to him.

When my DS was 10, in a final hearing his father told the judge (we had a long drawn out contact court process -took 8 years) that he would rather not have contact with him if it meant in a supervised setting.

DS hadn't seen his father since his father attacked me at the contact centre & the volunteers had to drag him off me as punched me, broke my nose. knocked me out then tried to strangle me.

The Judge put it to him that if he was able to maintain supervised contact that it could be increased to non-supervised &, in the future, if all went well staying contact could be a possibility. His father said no to that.

Judge reiterated that if he said no on that day that would be it - no contact. His father said 'do be it'.

I was the one who had to explain all this to my 10 year old son (who wanted to see his father, but remembered how his father would follow us back to the car park & attack me) he wanted to see his dad without <as he put it> the violence & drama - just me & my dad he said. His father wasn't willing - he wanted contact with me not our son.

My son felt not wanted by his father.

This breaks my heart for only for my son. I understand what it is to feel rejected & not wanted by birth parents. Not being wanted is a bit of a theme in my family which seems to be based on adopted children..

My paternal grandmother was adopted,

I have an aunt who was adopted (my grandmother's grandchild brought up as her own child, but thought that her mother was her sister, but never knew it - (I'm still only of only 2 or 3 people who know it to this day) my brother & me were adopted.

I've always made my son know that he was very much wanted - at least by me.

My son said, so, my dad would rather not see me at all than see me in the contact centre. I had to say 'yes my love that's his choice'. My son said 'then I he's not my dad and I want nothing to do with him. My Gramps is my dad from now on. - I don't have any other dad'.

What I'm saying is that children see everything. Your son knows that you're being abused. It will benefit him for you to leave. GCSEs can be retaken if he fails. There will always be a 'reason' why now is not the right time You need to take action now. You need to do it before that man gets violent.

Please contact Women's Aid for support.

You will not believe how much happier your life will be once you get rid of this parasite. Sending love xx

I find it hard to suspect him of having another wife and family in England - cos he literally hasnt gone there in years, and I am always the one saying lets go visit famliy - he has only ever travelled to DC for work once in recent years and the other travel when there is any travel, is budget holidays or staycations with us. He works almost 7 days a week because he has become quite obsessed with money.

We are both just average but decent earners - he earns almost as much as I do at our corporate jobs, and he has taken on weekend work to be the boss man around the house recently tipping his salary slightly above mine and delegating the housework to me thus.
I feel like his passion is heavily invested in hating me , for no real deep reason, rather than being invested in loving someone outside of this. He will be inheriting a lot more from his dad than I will from mum.
Thats not to say though , that I am sure if he is lucky enough to get rid of me having held onto all the assets, and the biggest asset in my eyes is DS's respect, and affection - I want my share of that - then I am sure he would fancy a chance with the pretty 20 something he often fondly jokes about moving onto.

thank you will look up and buy the air tag tomorrow

thank you for sharing - Cant believe how some dad's completely walk away - my H I fear other opposite end of the spectrum , DS would be viewed as another 'asset' one likely to earn and provide in the future, yes he will be in GCSE/Nat 5 year in the coming school year....

😂
He’s hilarious.
You need to get to work on where his money is.

I think you should "kiss and make up" with him to make him think you were emotional etc and don't want to divorce. Then, secretly comb through all account details etc and silently do research on how to get out. Get as much evidence as you can.

He resents you because you are everything he is not x

He paid the repairs without getting anything in writing about repayment? Tell your mother to thank him for the gift. Maybe with a nice home cooked meal.

Forensic accountants via solicitors found my friends ex had a second pension. He went nuts when that came to light. So there can be monies hidden away.

This is awful.

Dragging your son into it and involving him in your feelings about your husband and whether you'll leave him or not is really despicable.