DH wants DM rental income

[MMMMMBacon]

Summarised backstory first -

Married for 21 years and together 23/24 years. I am almost 47 Y/o. I am the higher earner of the two of us though we both earn decently - My only gap in work being a year Mat break 15 years ago. No second child mainly cos he is very tight fisted with money , even mine. I have always compromised and led a simple life - no fancy holidays etc , no fancy eating out or splurges with shopping. My only 'extravagance' from his perspective is I wanted our son to go a fee paying school and he does. Both our mortgage and DS school fees as well council tax, utilities, both phones go from my account that he also has a card to. His salary goes to another account that he saves , as he says, for 'our' retirement - he does afford himself little treats from there. He buys the groceries from there for us. He doesnt like eating out.

My mother has willed her house to me and is now almost 70. Last year she had rot and flooding in one part of the house and her situation was pitiable, staying at a friends house as the roof in one part of the house was horrific. She lives comfortably on a pension and some savings in the bank but didnt have enough to rebuild or even renovate parts of the house and it was ancient/crumbling. She thought about selling it to a small developer who would build it up as 2 units and then sell one and give her one unit. which I would get in future was her plan, it was H who said the developer seems very dodgy blah blah blah , finally long story short - I paid the money for the renovation and repairs which was under 50K (with him okaying it at the time) - now he says my mother should pay him 300 GBP every month for the 50K since he refused to free up any liquidity for me to have the 50k ( we have other assets we could have sold, and I had other plans for financing it myself) but he insisted at the time he pay the 50K from his severance pay he got last year (he got a new job immediately) - I told him I will give him the 300 GBP but he insists my mother pay it out of her monthly pension and savings. presumably my money is all his anyway and not he wants more. AIBU ?

Just to check my understanding.

You pay all household expenses - mortgage, council tax, utilities phone bills (including his) DS school fees - he pays for what? The food?

You paid for the repairs for your mother's house out of your own personal money? ..and you felt it necessary to ask your husband's permission to spend your personal money how you wanted?

Your husband is now asking your mother to repay the money into his account - not a joint one?

In the meantime he's saving for the both of you? REALLY? How much has he saved - I bet you don't know. He's saving for himself if he's actually saving at all which I doubt.

I'm sorry, I'm not one to jump to LTB but time to get your ducks in a row, see a solicitor.

There are many ways of abusing someone - you don't have to be violent. I was in an abusive relationship for many years. He controlled the money moved onto what I wore, who I saw.,,, It may seem strange, but I was kind of relieved when he finally became violent when I started to kick back. At least once he became violent I was able to take action & I had bruises, broken ribs etc to show the police.

I didn't feel able to say anything when he was controlling my money, what I wore etc. because I didn't think they would take it seriously. But I've since trained as a counsellor & work on a voluntary basis for Women's Aid. I can tell you that it will escalate & I suspect that you know it.

Leave now.

I suggest your mother takes the development co up on their offer & you move in with her.

At least (hopefully) you can prove that you've paid for the house & when you leave him he won't be entitled to diddly squat.

Good luck darling. But please, please don't let this man continue to abuse you as I fear the abuse will only get worse.

And you'll be more than happy without the miserable tight arse, surely. You and your mum.

What an arse!

thank you , yes will do.

Easier said than done but try not to stress too much about your son. Kids pick up much more than you think so he will already have likely been exposed to some inappropriate behaviour by your husband that has made him feel uncomfortable. Therefore when he’s presented with a desperate tense father who is trying his hardest to speak poorly of his wife and recruit him in to his “team” vs a calm balanced mother who is talking of wanting everyone to be happy, he’s unlikely to conclude that you’re the bad guy.

Best thing for your son is to remove hm from a situation where his mother is treated like shit. Not a good example for one thing the other thing is he's likely to feel trauma from feeling that he should be protecting his mother, but unable to - will screw him up.

Trust me, I have a waiting for my counselling practice of list of sons (in particular) who've had to witness their mother's abuse - and we're not always talking physical.

I would point out that you have invested in your inheritance. If you charged her rent, What's to say that she won't feel pissed off and leave it all to charity.

Why does he assume you’ll be the one moving out when you’ve been paying the mortgage all this time? You need to start standing your ground.

I hope you got all your ducks in a row and photocopied all documents etc. See a solicitor asap. Don’t leave until you have legal advice. Don’t let him hide stuff. Get what is rightfully yours.

Do not leave the marital home on any account. What happens to it will be decided as part of the divorce settlement, not on any whim of your husband.

Stop telling him what your plans are. Start playing your cards close to your chest, for heaven's sake.
If you have any joint accounts, protect your own money.

See the best solicitor in town as soon as possible.

If he has access to your bank accounts and you bank online move your money now!! If you can't put a stop on it. My friends husband emptied hers and his daughter's

As others have said, he is financially abusing you. Get all your ducks in a row and take him to the cleaners!

Blocked on Day zero. So much for amiable co parenting with this man child. Trying to get hold of DS now as its 10pm and son isnt back home yet from the hobby thing he went to with his dad.

Oh BTW if you charge her rent you will have to declare that to HMRC as unearned income. I understand that's 40% of the rental income minus allowable expenses - these don't include general maintenance.

Also means if your mother is a tenant, you're responsible for mandatory regular gas & electricity checks. Any little maintenance jobs that need doing will need to be done timeously. If she needs adaptations due to her increasing age - all landlord's problems.

What time is he usually home?

This is a one off event related to the hobby but 9pm I would have thought, as it is a school night. Maybe I shouldnt have texted H till he was back home with DS. He can be a rash driver when driving in a foul mood

Might want to cancel his card to your bnk account before he has a field day. He sounds the type.

You definitely need to see a solicitor if he thinks you're just going to bugger off and leave him in his sweet set up with a big savings account.

Divorce this man. Immediately.

@MMMMMBacon

Change your banking passwords and cancel his card IMMEDIATELY. I mean NOW. I know it's not likely but there's nothing to stop him from draining your account just to be an arsehole. In fact, change any/all passwords for things that are in your name.

Also, you need to see a solicitor PRONTO. You can be sure he will. You let the cat out of the bag by telling him you want a divorce. If you're lucky he'll come home thinking you were just blowing off steam and that all is well, but even if he does you won't be able to trust it. Play along, but remember that just as you're making plans, chances are so is he.

I know it's probably too late tonight (I'm 8 hours 'behind' you) but you need to copy or photo any/all of his financial records you can find. And get yours and your son's birth certificates, your marriage certificate, and both passports and put them somewhere secure, preferably out of the house. If he has a key to Mum's house, get her locks changed.

And as PP have said, no more discussion about this with DS. If he brings it up answer his questions simply and truthfully. But do NOT raise the issue with him. There will be a right time for that when things are more 'definite' and your plans for separating are finalized.

@AcrossthePond55 , thank you - yes should not have sent that text and instead should have planned ahead (julia Roberts learning to swim and faking her own drowning comes dramatically to mind) - cos its almost 10.30 pm on a school night and I have no idea why my DS hasnt been brought back home yet, neither are picking my calls and H must know I am worried about where DS is now. He usually is good with answering and letting me know

Well the one redeeming thing I can take from this thread is that his willingness to show you bank statements when you ask means that you have evidence you need for when you divorce him and take your share of all he's hoarded.

Honestly this reads like a Gothic novel, a truly twisted man - please get out OP (and please stop asking your son to arbitrate on your divorce, as others have said that is unkind and inappropriate).

All his statements are paperless now @laclochette , I dont have nor could I access any copies. There isnt much in my account at all @AcrossthePond55 given that all the monthly bills go from there.

My anger has quickly faded in the past 30 mins to be replaced with concern about son being driven back safely on the motorway and why the delay. H knows me so well and plays me so well.

you need to lose weight lose that man what a grapping swine, wise up please.

@MMMMMBacon do either of them have some sort of find my phone app on their phones?

FFS, divorce the arsehole and take half the savings he's stuffed away pretending it's for both of you.

Tell your son that life is too short to be married to a shitty partner which your DH is. And if he really wishes misery on you for the rest of your life, then he's not becoming the man you thought you were raising.

Get out and enjoy life.

Ah I assumed you had been able to capture some kind of records when you asked to see them before. Not ideal to pull the divorce cord before you've gathered your financial evidence but you can hopefully get a good forensic accountant to help you if he tries to hide things. At least you know what they're looking for.