DH wants DM rental income

[MMMMMBacon]

Summarised backstory first -

Married for 21 years and together 23/24 years. I am almost 47 Y/o. I am the higher earner of the two of us though we both earn decently - My only gap in work being a year Mat break 15 years ago. No second child mainly cos he is very tight fisted with money , even mine. I have always compromised and led a simple life - no fancy holidays etc , no fancy eating out or splurges with shopping. My only 'extravagance' from his perspective is I wanted our son to go a fee paying school and he does. Both our mortgage and DS school fees as well council tax, utilities, both phones go from my account that he also has a card to. His salary goes to another account that he saves , as he says, for 'our' retirement - he does afford himself little treats from there. He buys the groceries from there for us. He doesnt like eating out.

My mother has willed her house to me and is now almost 70. Last year she had rot and flooding in one part of the house and her situation was pitiable, staying at a friends house as the roof in one part of the house was horrific. She lives comfortably on a pension and some savings in the bank but didnt have enough to rebuild or even renovate parts of the house and it was ancient/crumbling. She thought about selling it to a small developer who would build it up as 2 units and then sell one and give her one unit. which I would get in future was her plan, it was H who said the developer seems very dodgy blah blah blah , finally long story short - I paid the money for the renovation and repairs which was under 50K (with him okaying it at the time) - now he says my mother should pay him 300 GBP every month for the 50K since he refused to free up any liquidity for me to have the 50k ( we have other assets we could have sold, and I had other plans for financing it myself) but he insisted at the time he pay the 50K from his severance pay he got last year (he got a new job immediately) - I told him I will give him the 300 GBP but he insists my mother pay it out of her monthly pension and savings. presumably my money is all his anyway and not he wants more. AIBU ?

Ask your mum to put the house into a trust rather than giving it you direct. This will be more tax efficient and keeps it out of matrimonial assets.

G*d hates a miser. PS. While misers are not always miserable, they are generally marked by misery.

I have very little compared to many on MN. I live on my own in a council flat. Low income. But I try to spend my money joyfully and positively as I can - of course not recklessly - when I am able.

It’s a bit strange to me when people have a lot of money, including partner and family money, yet have to scrimp like this, not even a decent holiday. Instead you had to spend your holiday doing free domestic labour for everyone, to save money. 😵‍💫 😶 I’d be out the door, splashing the cash for some well earned pleasure and rest.

(I’d also be considering my own finances, including future forensic accountants @ him - but perhaps that’s another issue)

That wasn't a minute too early. Jesus ! How can you stand being around that shithead? Make sure to get a solicitor to look into all his finances because he will try to hide his assets the cheap fucker!

Tell you rmum to make sure her assets are willed to your son and not to you!

Just got a reply , hes at a hobby that he takes DS to as well lately.

Just an emoji looking like its giving me the finger, and said he heard me weeping in the afternoon to my mum about what an ogre he is , when she could easily have got the repairs done for a lower quote but she was foolishly tricked by the contractor (?) to overpaying - and how ends with how he will be happy and peaceful once I have moved out and he is tired of being spoken badly about.

This
Being stingy and mean is a horrible trait that becomes the hallmark of that person.
Please reflect OP
This relationship is costing you so much and I don't just mean financial.
His methods are deceitful and calculated

Inheritances that are kept separate are not invariably treated as matrimonial assets. This is why your husband was insistent on using "his " money - ignoring that "his" savings should be joint savings.

If your mother's house is left to you there may be no inheritance tax to pay, depends on its value and any other assets she has. That is something to consider after you have divorced.

You aren't even 50 yet...you could have 40-50 years ahead of you!

You could have such a great life of freedom for the second half. He adds nothing positive whatsoever.

Left him, get your hair and nails done whenever you like, sound money as you wish, join groups, take up hobbies, make new friends....you deserve better than what you have.

Yes he also does additional work on weekends a few hours a day (Sat+Sun) to try and get his total income at least a few hundred quid over mine on paper and he says that means we share the cooking but I do most of the cleaning.

He says we are not royalty to call a cleaner even once in a blue moon, tho all my friends do - I was always very slim and acctive - but at almost 47 now, with a recent diagnosis of uterine fibroids, hoovering/washing etc arent as easy as it used to be....

Edited because I saw your updates. Good luck

Thank you yes he says he is more than happy to see me move out.

First comment nailed it!

He sounds absolutely miserable. No way should you let him bully your frail DM.

Reply and say you’re glad he is so agreeable to the divorce and you hope that his agreeability continues through any financial agreements you come to as part of the divorce and discussions around financial inequality and abuse within a marriage. Finish by saying your solicitor will be in touch.

This. Instead of this though, I am deep breathing to calm panic that he is gaslighting and brain washing my son right now about how 'they' will be happy and peaceful when 'I' have moved out.

I moved into the guestroom this afternoon. Next door to my son's room. H can move out.

Even though I’m on a low income OP, I have recently employed a cleaner. It matters for my physical and mental health. Since then I am starting to feel the difference in my outlook and in the appearance of my home! 🙂

You don’t have to be “royalty” to have a cleaner. He sounds totally ridiculous. A selfish, uncaring killjoy to boot. Good luck with your update.

Finally: SHL, and pronto ✅

@MMMMMBacon deep down you know the answer here. You earn more, yet you pay for everything and he has a card to your account and now he wants money from your mum that you paid for. Do you have any savings op as I would be worried he is squirrelling away money. Where is your retirement fund? Do not give this man any money! Start making your own plans for put money aside. Hugs op.

Wishing you all the best for your future.
You've stopped his card on your account? Yes?

I have no words about what I have just read. Well no words that a moderator would allow. I thought that my ex was a tightarse, your bloke takes the biscuit. The biscuit that he probably bought with your money.
It sounds to me that, if you poured out his allotted amount of the milk of human kindness, that he’d be hard pressed to cover the base of an egg cup.

Actually he blocked me after sending that reply.

Thank you all very much for your kindness and concern - Yes I know I have let myself get into an appalling situation here, and trying to make it easier on my son may actually only have made it more drawn out and painful ...on both DS and me .....Goodnight dear wonderful fellow mums netters.

@MMMMMBacon untill he understands the real reality of that .
When he has to spend his own money and pay his own bills moving forward and give up half the savings he thinks he is so clever to have taken form you know doubt.

You have asked for a divorce you have to carry it through. He is one who will make your life worse believing you aren't going anywhere

I don’t think you need to say that his dad will be happier. I understand the desire to soften it for a child, but it’s fundamentally not because his dad would be happier but because you are deeply unhappy and being abused. While I probably wouldn’t be sharing too much with a 16 year old about the reasons for a divorce, I would also strongly suggest avoiding falsehoods - I do understand that this isn’t a falsehood in the malicious sense but is intended to cushion your son and is also likely a narrative you’ve told yourself repeatedly over time. Nonetheless, if you leave him, it would be a decision made for you, to give you the life that you deserve. Please tell yourself that and keep telling yourself. I strongly suspect that this man will be unhappy whatever his situation, because men like this will always be dissatisfied unless the world is giving them the living that they so profoundly believe that they deserve. And even then, they take pleasure in making others miserable. But the reality is he will probably be much less happy without you because he has it very good and, much as his abusive behaviour is designed to make you feel like you’re the problem, he probably has a deep-seated need to have a partner that he can control and take from. Men like this rarely remain single for long because they aggressively seek partners who will give them the lifestyle they want. Good luck!!

Is it possible to transfer assets to your son before the divorce. So that he doesn't take from you? Obviously discuss that with a solicitor and not just random women like me on the internet. He sounds awful. I think you will end up so much happier without him, no matter how rough the journey may be at times

Don't say anything more to him, leave it to the solicitors. Don't make threats about his savings he'll start hiding money.
Have the solicitors track down the bank accounts and where he stashes all his wages. Make sure to tell them everything how you pay he has access to yours and he keeps his money separate and lives off you. Make lists, get all your paperwork in a safe place and get those dicks in a row.

Thank you @UnintentionalArcher and others, when we were much younger and recently married, he said he wanted to tell me something he had never told anyone even his parents, then told me about S abuse by his uncle when he was very young, he said he felt sick and confused when he realised what had happened looking back.

I was young in many ways in my mid twenties to respond really to this apart from generic empathy and outrage on his behalf - but in the years later, I have wondered if that basic unhappiness and need for control stems from childhood abuse. But surely no one can force him to get counselling to talk through stuff from his childhood that may be causing this strange anger inside him as a grown up.
It doesn't make this okay and turning into an abuser is not justifiable. I have always been an empath and try hard not to be with him these days. It isn't even helping him to smile and bear it anymore.

@MMMMMBacon do not move out of the marital home until you have spoken to a solicitor. You should have done that first really. Make a phone call tomorrow and find one that will see you asap. Know your rights.