DH wants DM rental income

[MMMMMBacon]

Summarised backstory first -

Married for 21 years and together 23/24 years. I am almost 47 Y/o. I am the higher earner of the two of us though we both earn decently - My only gap in work being a year Mat break 15 years ago. No second child mainly cos he is very tight fisted with money , even mine. I have always compromised and led a simple life - no fancy holidays etc , no fancy eating out or splurges with shopping. My only 'extravagance' from his perspective is I wanted our son to go a fee paying school and he does. Both our mortgage and DS school fees as well council tax, utilities, both phones go from my account that he also has a card to. His salary goes to another account that he saves , as he says, for 'our' retirement - he does afford himself little treats from there. He buys the groceries from there for us. He doesnt like eating out.

My mother has willed her house to me and is now almost 70. Last year she had rot and flooding in one part of the house and her situation was pitiable, staying at a friends house as the roof in one part of the house was horrific. She lives comfortably on a pension and some savings in the bank but didnt have enough to rebuild or even renovate parts of the house and it was ancient/crumbling. She thought about selling it to a small developer who would build it up as 2 units and then sell one and give her one unit. which I would get in future was her plan, it was H who said the developer seems very dodgy blah blah blah , finally long story short - I paid the money for the renovation and repairs which was under 50K (with him okaying it at the time) - now he says my mother should pay him 300 GBP every month for the 50K since he refused to free up any liquidity for me to have the 50k ( we have other assets we could have sold, and I had other plans for financing it myself) but he insisted at the time he pay the 50K from his severance pay he got last year (he got a new job immediately) - I told him I will give him the 300 GBP but he insists my mother pay it out of her monthly pension and savings. presumably my money is all his anyway and not he wants more. AIBU ?

Your husband is a massive arse - you don't have to move where he says you should move to! Stay locally if that works better for you. I bet your friends would judge him not you!!

He will have to in a divorce

He will have no choice!
And don’t do anything just because HE says xy or z. He wants you far away so HIS shame will not be exposed. Shame because of his bad treatment of you, his abuse, his taking your money etc. You do what is best for you and your son. Ignore the nasty, lying, abusive turd that you are sadly married to, and plan a happy life without him, whether that’s in Scotland till uni - and then who knows?!

He will have no choice if you divorce him.

He'll certainly try not to, but then you're not going to give him back "his" £50k either. 😉 You really need to see a solicitor to talk all this through. If you divorce, a financial settlement would be part of the proceedings and you will both be required to disclose your finances so the judge can make a decision about what's fair.
Forgive me OP, but I feel, at the moment, that you still don't really have your "planning" head on - your approach seems a little bit reactive and scatter-gun. It's absolutely right that you take back sole control of your money and that you're going to get that sorted Monday, but what are your steps beyond that? Taking professional advice from an organisation like Women's Aid and a divorce solicitor are crucial for you to understand your rights and what could be possible for you, financially, moving forward before you go into battle with your H ("forewarned is forearmed" and all that). You really need to be making phone calls now to discuss your options with these professionals - once you have this clarity, then you can make some real decisions. Good luck OP. 🤗

@MMMMMBacon he has to in divorce !

Kindly stop listening to him . He is the enemy and only has his best interests in mind. .
He told you to go to England good for him. .He doesn’t get a say in your life choices .
Op stay on Scotland nobody is judging a women fleeing an abuser .
He knows they will judge him if you are local and speak up. If you are in England he can lie and you can’t defend yourself. .

please find the strength to leave him.
Id also call the police if there is even a sniff of past behaviours.

Don’t move out the house. Get an occupancy order through solicitor and get him kicked out based on past violence and control.

Crikey OP, listen to the posters on this thread

Oh christ how controlling is your husband!!
So he doesn’t let you spend YOUR own money, you pay everything out of your wage ensuring you’re left with nothing, while he’s squirrelling awaj
practically his whole wage….
how are you protected if he leaves you? Presumably while the house is in joint names his account is in his name
only? And the huge balance in there for ‘your’ retirement will be in his control ?!?

This is a very controlling situation and you need to change this ASAP…
He needs to give you half of the money from that huge balance, you need to start paying bills 50/50 including school fees.
My goodness this is financial abuse and if I were you I’d be investing in your future by talking to a financial advisor about your current financial setup!
In fact I’d be seeking legal advice… you need to freeze the bank account that’s in his name and insist your name is on it and nothing can be withdrawn/moved without your permission, claim it as a marital asset.

This-man has deprived you of the life you deserved and controlled all finances, he is now trying to abuse your mother! You mum needs to tell him that if he insists on stealing her pension she will go to the police for financial abuse and change her will do the pair of you don’t see a penny from her estate!… instead leaving everything to your son! She should do that
anyway because your inheritance will be controlled by your horrible husband!

YOUR HUSBAND IS NOT
TIGHT FISTED…. HE IS CONTROLLING!!

You do NOT need a child's permission to divorce that is far too much of a burden to place on his shoulders. You own him and apology for doing this.
Make a decision, get your ducks in a row THEN tell your DH and THEN tell your DS.

He's disgusting.
Book yourself a solo trip to Barcelona this weekend and have a cocktail!

Your son won’t care what people think, he has his own life and exams, he will be working towards his own future. It’s only your H who cares, well he should have thought of that before treating you so awful! You don’t have to move to London, you can stay in Scotland for the next three years and then move.I think you will be shocked when you see a solicitor and find out, you are entitled to half.

YOU DO NOT MIVE OUT!!!

YOU pay all the bills…. He can move the fuck out!!

YOU NEED TO GET ALL HIS FINANCES FROZEN AS A MARRIAGE ASSET OP. SEEK LEGAL ADVICE IMMEDIATELY!!!

Your son can choose where he lives and whether or not he sees his dad. You do not need a court order. It is entirely your DS' decision, so stop worrying about 50/50. Just let your DS decide and back and support his decision, whatever it is.

Don't move him while he has a year before exams, and if he doesn't want tuition fee debt, don't move till he's gone to uni.

Assume that everything your DH says is a lie and is gaslighting you. Financially he will be forced to give you half, or more if you stay in the family home. Do not leave the house and live elsewhere this is resolved.

He has physically attacked you, financially abused you, and is generally a weak man.

Also, you may let your cousin know that if she moved to Scotland to share with you that her child may not then have to pay tuition fees.

You're doing everything right. I know it's hard, but we are here to support you. You can do this.

Don’t listen to your husband. He is gaslighting you, even trying to control you post separation.

You need to cancel your mortgage payments and tell your husband that he now needs to pay it all
from his wage and you’ll be saving your wage in full in an account solely in your name. Tell him it’s his turn to pay everything.

BUT PLEASE get his accounts frozen before he empties and hides it all!!…. Half of that money is yours!

No! Which is why you need legal advice ASAP!…. You need to report financial abuse to police ASAP & tell them all of what’s happened,
You need to freeze everything as marital assets - all of these hidden accounts he haS with YOUR money in! What an arse
hole!!
ACT FAST AS I GUARANTEE HE IS SEEKING ADVICE ALREADY!

And no don not move away from your son as teenage boys won’t put themselves out to visit, and your delightful H will manipulate it as you being selfish and not caring about him because you’ve moved away from him!

You need to report his abuse and see what that leads to.

He isn't in control of this.
You are, if you tell the truth and seek support from the authorities again.

You were brave before, you can do it again.
Tell your employer the truth too.

He will eventually! you will get to see each others bank statements through the divorce and the solicitors will see you have provided him a home they will see how little he has contributed to you, his home and most importantly his ds. I genuinely would book a holiday now for you and son and your lovely mum. Go for 2 weeks spend what you want eat out every day enjoy what’s to come in your future life without him. Let him have his 20 0dd year old who will never stay in with a tight fisted man child. Op definitely move your salary and overdraft in case he takes any money switch accounts to pay bills but don’t give him access and if he doesn’t pay up kick him out change the locks sounds like he has never paid towards the mortgage and make sure he pays half of every bill until you sell up buy your ds clothes make exh pay half and tell him to enjoy the peace as you will be definitely enjoy spending your salary.

If you stay with him you will never see your money. If you divorce him you will get it all back. The assets will be divided fairly. It will be clear from bank statements that the saved money, if it has indeed been saved is both of yours and even if it were only his it would still be divided between you.

If you divorce and employ a forensic accountant, he might have to. I assume that you have evidence of paying for everything for years while he hoards all his wages like a miser in a fairy story.

Personally I think you should stay in Scotland given where your son is with exams (and discourage your son from studying medicine, too many young doctors are going to be unemployed and you dont really want to see him off to Australia once he's qualified). But if he persists Scottish medical schools are fine, apart from teaching men they can be women. There are some good state schools in the south west of England if you did end up moving there.

Even if you work for a bank June's salary is going into your existing account, they wont get your salary moved that quickly. So as soon as a new one is open move all the money to it. Or they may be able to put an immediate block on his card, a new account would be better.

It's not going to be easy to get your money back but fortunately you did register the marriage and it's not a short marriage so you have a legal right to at least half the equity in the house and probably more as you can shown all the bills have come from your account. You may, probably will, need a forensic accountant to find where he has put his money and yours. You both are expected to disclose your financial assets but jewellery generally is not counted as an asset. You wont get back what he's spent on his toys.

You will both have to disclose things like pensions too. Once you see where all the assets are the court will start from 50/50 in considering what is fair. You've been paying all the mortgage and bills so the starting point might be you keep the house and he gets to keep more of the money he has saved. Or the house may have to be sold.

I think you need to stay in the house and also forget about moving to England if your DS wants to do his university in Scotland

None of this is a barrier to divorce and a fair financial settlement will allow you to move on

Hi it’s your mums decision not DH who sounds dreadful

start paying 50% of the bills he pays 50% why dies he get access to your money and keris all his - if his moneys fir both your retirement it has to be in joint names .

if have separate everything and a joint account fur all bills where both your names are on all bills.

he sounds controlling
don’t let him do this anymore x

Leave he is awful and financially abusing you get a divorce and half of his savings.