DH wants DM rental income

[MMMMMBacon]

Summarised backstory first -

Married for 21 years and together 23/24 years. I am almost 47 Y/o. I am the higher earner of the two of us though we both earn decently - My only gap in work being a year Mat break 15 years ago. No second child mainly cos he is very tight fisted with money , even mine. I have always compromised and led a simple life - no fancy holidays etc , no fancy eating out or splurges with shopping. My only 'extravagance' from his perspective is I wanted our son to go a fee paying school and he does. Both our mortgage and DS school fees as well council tax, utilities, both phones go from my account that he also has a card to. His salary goes to another account that he saves , as he says, for 'our' retirement - he does afford himself little treats from there. He buys the groceries from there for us. He doesnt like eating out.

My mother has willed her house to me and is now almost 70. Last year she had rot and flooding in one part of the house and her situation was pitiable, staying at a friends house as the roof in one part of the house was horrific. She lives comfortably on a pension and some savings in the bank but didnt have enough to rebuild or even renovate parts of the house and it was ancient/crumbling. She thought about selling it to a small developer who would build it up as 2 units and then sell one and give her one unit. which I would get in future was her plan, it was H who said the developer seems very dodgy blah blah blah , finally long story short - I paid the money for the renovation and repairs which was under 50K (with him okaying it at the time) - now he says my mother should pay him 300 GBP every month for the 50K since he refused to free up any liquidity for me to have the 50k ( we have other assets we could have sold, and I had other plans for financing it myself) but he insisted at the time he pay the 50K from his severance pay he got last year (he got a new job immediately) - I told him I will give him the 300 GBP but he insists my mother pay it out of her monthly pension and savings. presumably my money is all his anyway and not he wants more. AIBU ?

This is 💯 correct.

All the factual evidence demonstrates Public shame and the threat of it is your strongest card.

Your son is SIXTEEN- there is no real "custody battle" now he is basically an adult.

Dont let fear hold you back - he is the one that should be afraid.

Some of you commenting clearly dont appreciate the cultural pressure to stay put. I suspect OP's husband may be from a more recently immigrated family as I've come across the man hiding money bit before.

Some more encouragement, Op. https://samhin.org/on-being-a-divorced-indian-woman/

There are even dating sites e.g https://www.gofordesi.com/hindu/divorcee-matrimony-in-uk and https://www.bharatmatrimony.com/united-kingdom-divorced-matrimony

Edited as I discovered there are actually quite a few dating sites!

Thanks a ton to those who posted.

I did leave for almost a week in 2023 after the above happened - and stayed at a hotel with DS.

When we had finally moved from our apartment in the city to a house in the suburbs, he had hoped to hold on to the apartment as an investment that earned rental income (eventually he realised that is financially impossible with tax on rentals and the mortgage rates on the house going up, so had to sell to pay for the house) - but this week in the hotel happened before the apartment sale and when it was rented out - my plan was to get him to give notice to the renters so I and DS could move back into the apartment. I had no idea how I was going to afford that while still having everything else go out of my account , but I just thought if I somehow made that step, I can financially sort out next steps and I would be free......

But he just kept saying on texts when I was at the hotel - that that is not possible as the apartment had to be sold as the mortgage on the house was too high yada yada. I didnt have a plan. DS kept asking when we were going back home, when he ran out of things to do at the hotel - I hadnt packed much - I ended up bringing him back home promising myself next time I would have a plan.

H was almost in tears - partly from missing DS I think - but also partly seeing the hotel bill come out of the bank account.

Just leave him.

How on earth did you:

think that this was helpful
think that this was supportive
think that this shows you in a good light

Show some empathy for goodness sake.

He is financially abusive.

Please speak to women's aid and pay for a good solicitor

You don't need to live life like this

@Suchasonganddance , trust me, not a day goes by when my inner voice doesn't say these exact same things to me .....except it says it to me in much more colourful and angry /horrified langauge.....

And then the guilt for not being grateful for God giving me my son descends ....

Then rinse and repeat.

@MMMMMBacon i think you need some therapy to help you through this and rid you of the guilts.

Have you protected your money OP I'd suggest even changing accounts which is really easy as most banks do a switch service that sort all your standing orders and direct debit for you you just need to notify your employer with new details. I'm coming from a place of experience as my ex had access to my account. I had to prove he took all my money out . He did end up having to pay back, but it took nearly a year.
Also, go seek advice from a solicitor ASAP. They will get everything on paper and get the ball rolling so you have it all logged down when you are ready to pull the plug (divorce) completely. Also if you plan to stay in thechouse with him finances need to be sorted if you have payed the mortgage alone get bank statements to prove this for your solicitor.

Yes agree, I read a lot of CBT and self help/mental health books - I also took some counselling that was free as part of work employee scheme once many years ago - I could do with more

I actually work at a Bank ....will be requesting for a new account to be set up on Monday for my salary to start going to. Yes I know this has to be first step.

I am putting in a back up plan now for if he gets abusive seeing that my salary is getting out of his control (the next salary will come in last week of JUne, so if not before, by then he will react)

I have a girlfriend from Uni , also second gen Asian living v near London - who has been planning to leave her husband for years now. First she could not afford to as what little salary she made, she was paying for her DD to go to this amazing Uni, so it was easier to just stay in her H's house separated in another part of the house. She is in a job that doesnt pay much. Now her son is starting grammar school this September. Her DD has got student loans sorted. We are going to talk about the possibility of moving in together

My only sticking point is my friend is in near London - obv, wants to move near the grammar school in North London - and my son's school is here in Scotland getting into GCSE/Nat 5 year - and I think Nat 5 is very different from GCSE.

But all the posters here saying he is 16 now , move where you want to - is making me hope I can somehow sort this with me still having DS at the very least 50/50 , or every weekend after the school week here - I feel guilty but also I feel like this is the right thing to do for DS as well. I know I am going to hear a lot of she left her DS in school in one city and moved to another shock though. But I am thinking through how I can make this work.

I think I have always had this idea in my head (realistic or not) that - the suburbs and the smaller towns and villages in Scotland & England both are full of happy families and stuff for happy families to do together - while the single ppl and divorced ppl and other ppl without a happy family blend in more in places like London without sticking out like a sore thumb. Its a bit silly isn't it.

I do need a free consult with a solicitor re my legal rights to move across the SCO-ENG border and still allow H his parental rights too

And also if the whole GCSE/Nat 5 differences are minor or major.

I'm not an expert, but I think that at 16 your son is the one who has most input on where he wants to be. I don't think your husband can demand (eg) 50:50 if your son wants to live totally with you.

You’ve got us too @MMMMMBacon for advice and for a virtual hug, when you need it my lovely.
You sound a lovely woman, you deserve so much happiness ❤️

I also have a cousin in South west Eng - who has an extra let out apartment I could ask to rent from and live near her, ....if I could afford it. As her town is very expensive.

I think I need to check my legal rights to move and still have an arrangement on custody with DH - I know folks are saying 16 is legal adult in SCO , and he can come and go between us - do folks think it is unfair of me to make my son travel across the country to be able to see his dad/me ? Would you move locally for three more years as a mum ? I think the S is going to hit the fan when H sees I have split bank accounts, honestly. And that I may need to move then

@MMMMMBacon op it now sounds like you head is on overdrive.
Id speak to a solicitor , women’s aid . Your g.p get everything recorded .
Then I’d take your son out and explain what’s happening instead of your head going off everywhere . Ask him what he wants .
Will he embrace London or be home sick .
Scotland to London for a weekend really isn’t realistic .
Once you have had a talk with your son you will be better placed in actions when you have to react to your husbands.

I would tell your son, you have not been happy for years within your marriage and how would he feel about travelling to you. Obviously he knows there are problems, even though you have shielded him, if he asks, I would tell him, he doesn’t need to know or get involved with problems.

@Imbusytodaysorry , Son thinks only of SCO as home, not ENG/LNDN.

@MMMMMBacon he still may be ready for more as he’s 16 . Or can you look at rentals in the area ? Can you secure a deposit ?
The more I think of your situation the more i an annoyed at the financial abuse .
He spends your money and keeps the savings so you have no access and can’t leave. He has knew what he has been doing . All the while you pay the mortgage and he benefits.

What? You can be grateful to God for your son without living a life in chains. You are valuable - look at how many people care about you. You don't need to self punish to be allowed the happiness your son brings. Xx

@MMMMMBacon I think a good solicitor is the first thing you should sort - preferably one with experience of domestic abuse. Try Women’s Aid to see if they have any recommendations. And any violence, or even threat of - phone the police. May be worth phoning their non emergency line and asking what to do as you expect him to kick off….

Is he going into his Nat 5 year as with respect no I don’t think you can move him - differences between them are enough and I wouldn’t recommend moving within the country schools in that year as local schools do different exam boards

I would see if the house can be sold move locally and then look later.

because with everything you have said he isn’t going to want to leave Scotland at this age (and may well stay for Uni free uni fees are a massive incentive)

Not a single person I know in the Asian community here where I live wants their kid to do Uni at ENG , because it is free in SCO .....

But that just makes the 5 options for medicine that much more harder to get - free versus 9K a year for x years and that is just tuition fees. Most of them have the 'child' living at home during the first few years too to save on accomodation at uni.

H always says if you are going to leave selfishly , then go to ENG as our friends here will judge you and DS will be affected by their judgements. PLus I would be closer to family including mum. Once he said - he said this - if you are leaving to go on Tinder and 'explore your options' then go do it very very far away, as far as away as possible.

Have headache , going to pop out for fresh air

Thank you all so much , I will figure this out , and yes bank account change - and threat to call police if any adverse reaction !!

If you work for a bank you may be able to get help as many have domestic abuse policies to help staff so it may be worth speaking to your manager. Wishing you all the best whilst you decide what to do.

Hes never actually going to give me back any of the money to go lead my life is he.....