DH wants DM rental income

[MMMMMBacon]

Summarised backstory first -

Married for 21 years and together 23/24 years. I am almost 47 Y/o. I am the higher earner of the two of us though we both earn decently - My only gap in work being a year Mat break 15 years ago. No second child mainly cos he is very tight fisted with money , even mine. I have always compromised and led a simple life - no fancy holidays etc , no fancy eating out or splurges with shopping. My only 'extravagance' from his perspective is I wanted our son to go a fee paying school and he does. Both our mortgage and DS school fees as well council tax, utilities, both phones go from my account that he also has a card to. His salary goes to another account that he saves , as he says, for 'our' retirement - he does afford himself little treats from there. He buys the groceries from there for us. He doesnt like eating out.

My mother has willed her house to me and is now almost 70. Last year she had rot and flooding in one part of the house and her situation was pitiable, staying at a friends house as the roof in one part of the house was horrific. She lives comfortably on a pension and some savings in the bank but didnt have enough to rebuild or even renovate parts of the house and it was ancient/crumbling. She thought about selling it to a small developer who would build it up as 2 units and then sell one and give her one unit. which I would get in future was her plan, it was H who said the developer seems very dodgy blah blah blah , finally long story short - I paid the money for the renovation and repairs which was under 50K (with him okaying it at the time) - now he says my mother should pay him 300 GBP every month for the 50K since he refused to free up any liquidity for me to have the 50k ( we have other assets we could have sold, and I had other plans for financing it myself) but he insisted at the time he pay the 50K from his severance pay he got last year (he got a new job immediately) - I told him I will give him the 300 GBP but he insists my mother pay it out of her monthly pension and savings. presumably my money is all his anyway and not he wants more. AIBU ?

I agree with this, many men become mentally distressed if women out do them in any way.
OP he will feel a strong need to punish you for 'embarrassing' him by earning more than he does.
You have the whip hand if you earn more, why aren't you cracking that whip and (metaphorically) flaying him alive?

Doesn't matter what HE says - you know that you behaved properly.

I would just be worried that, living as you are now, he might move another woman into the house (if he can find that 20 year old gorgeous woman that he's pining for!) because he wants to drive you out. I think you need to look at moving out with your DS sooner rather than later.

OP I'd strongly suggest very quickly protecting your money too. Cut his access to your account before he decides to drain it. Once he is cut off work out all the bills and half them as that's what he'll be paying now if you are no longer in a relationship (don't tell him until you have protected your own money)

Can't you draw up a simple loan agreement with your mother and then when she is no longer with us the money will come back to you from her estate, free of inheritance tax? That way you won't need her to pay you back herself,

So you are going to spend the next 6 years planning and instigating a divorce?

Such a waste.Start divorce proceedings now. While you have a minor son.
Divorce is gong to take years.

Do you feel guilty about earning more OP? Is this how you have ended up in a position that means your income is fair game but his is ring-fenced as savings for retirement’ except he spends what he wants?

I suggest you need to sit down and go through your income and expenditure and then work out (proportional to income) a fair division of costs.

My DH earns significantly more than me and we do this.

I have a better pension but this means we both have scope for individual savings and savings for our children.

As for the £50k, the principle is fine, but only if the intent was made clear at the time he put up the funds, was it? If not I would be suggesting that it will be repaid in full when the house is sold/the inheritance is realised.

If he wanted repayment or interest this should have been clearly stated when you financed.

I still think your H is lucky to have married you, he sounds awful and you are far too good for him. It’s a pity he didn’t marry someone he deserves, like a toothless old crone, who can only cook beans on toast and has bad flatulence 🤣

Put your money in a different bank account including your salary. I suspect he wouldn't react well to that. See a solicitor, you need back what he's stolen from you. It is theft, he has no right to control anyone else's income.

OP, I really do hope you leave him. But if you are going to wait a while you need to get your ducks in a row, as people like to say on here. You need an exit fund in case he manipulates things to leave you without money, and you need to get your hands on information about where he has stashed your money. Open a new bank account for your salary and bills that he can’t access on his phone. See a lawyer. Get advice. This will be messy, you need to spend the time you have making sure you protect yourself.

I am a man (sorry) replying to your post.
I find it unbelievable that any man would treat you in such a despicable disrespectful manner. You are obviously comfortably off and should be enjoying at least some of the fruits of your respective labour's.
Ditch him,enjoy life and maybe find someone who truly appreciates you.

Why on earth did you

marry this “man”
stay married to him
put up with this “marriage”?!

Show some self respect for goodness sake.

I don't normally advocate divorce OP but your situation is bad, you don't seem to have anything to look forward to in your life, no expensive holidays, no eating out etc. because he is too mean, you're paying for nearly everything so you won't be worse off divorcing him and you will have full control of your finances.

Is the house under your name, his or joint

Under no circumstance (unless he gets physical of course) move out

If you don’t have any words of support don’t comment

She has taken a huge step and doesn’t need your negativity

That was me guessing your background. I'm from the same background and recognised some traits in your OP. I however could never be in your situation though. Part of the issue I think is that you both married young and there are then family expectations.

I feel that you stating about the 'cultural conditioning' is another reason (excuse) for you to stay put and not take the bigger step of actually starting the divorce proceedings.

Moving to another part of the house is not really a solution for the next three years. What do you think this will do to your son's self esteem?

There is never a good time to divorce but the sooner the better you can go your separate ways.

Your 'D'H as slowly eroded your sense of self worth and you still have a long life ahead. Just get the ball rolling and leave this sorry excuse of a man. What kind of role model is he to his son!

What a horribly awful man. Give him the lead wellie OP

why are you afraid of him?

Apart from the financial and verbal abuse, there was an incident of physical abuse in 2023 .....I followed advice to tell the local authorities, but instead of police went to GP - to get it on record more than anything.
But GP /NHS said him having slapped me like that, when DS was in the house (and came when he heard my reaction - I screamed - H stopped then) is abusive to the child too - they called CPS who came home and after that one visit and the sober warning from them (they contacted the school too) H is scared of them at least and never repeated that. He apologised at the time. Cant ever forget the fear and PTSD and the horror and the ick though.

Sorry for the drip feed.

Was too embarrassed to mention it earlier , the kind poster who shared the link to 'he hit me, I dont know what to do?' thread - thank you, have been reading that , I am so glad the OP there got out. Bless.

There will be no huge surprise when you tell the GP he's been sexually coercive and financially abusing you too.

Get it noted down OP.

Please contact women’s aid.

ODFOD

If you hadn’t gone to your GP, he would have escalated his physical abuse towards you, he doesn’t like you, he doesn’t want to be married to you neither. He’s abusing you financially and has used the threat of you not seeing your son to keep you scared and trapped. When you told him you had feelings for a colleague years ago but didn’t act on it, he rang both sets of parents to smear you as that is his Achilles heel, he is scared of being outed for being the abusive twat that he is. He doesn’t want people to think he’s a failure as a husband, he wants people to think he’s a good person.

And you put up with this?