DH wants DM rental income

[MMMMMBacon]

Summarised backstory first -

Married for 21 years and together 23/24 years. I am almost 47 Y/o. I am the higher earner of the two of us though we both earn decently - My only gap in work being a year Mat break 15 years ago. No second child mainly cos he is very tight fisted with money , even mine. I have always compromised and led a simple life - no fancy holidays etc , no fancy eating out or splurges with shopping. My only 'extravagance' from his perspective is I wanted our son to go a fee paying school and he does. Both our mortgage and DS school fees as well council tax, utilities, both phones go from my account that he also has a card to. His salary goes to another account that he saves , as he says, for 'our' retirement - he does afford himself little treats from there. He buys the groceries from there for us. He doesnt like eating out.

My mother has willed her house to me and is now almost 70. Last year she had rot and flooding in one part of the house and her situation was pitiable, staying at a friends house as the roof in one part of the house was horrific. She lives comfortably on a pension and some savings in the bank but didnt have enough to rebuild or even renovate parts of the house and it was ancient/crumbling. She thought about selling it to a small developer who would build it up as 2 units and then sell one and give her one unit. which I would get in future was her plan, it was H who said the developer seems very dodgy blah blah blah , finally long story short - I paid the money for the renovation and repairs which was under 50K (with him okaying it at the time) - now he says my mother should pay him 300 GBP every month for the 50K since he refused to free up any liquidity for me to have the 50k ( we have other assets we could have sold, and I had other plans for financing it myself) but he insisted at the time he pay the 50K from his severance pay he got last year (he got a new job immediately) - I told him I will give him the 300 GBP but he insists my mother pay it out of her monthly pension and savings. presumably my money is all his anyway and not he wants more. AIBU ?

@MMMMMBacon

I have done this, stayed because of the children. But only because I had nowhere to go, no money and no job.

I ended up in hospital because I had a breakdown.

I really mean this kindly but there will always be an excuse. GCSEs, A levels, first year of university....

You are in a good position where you have your own income. You do need to "play the game" a bit to get your ducks in a row. But please don't leave it too long, I'm still stuck here, much older and with no way out.

Good luck

Hugs @Dora56 , :-(

@AcrossthePond55 - thank you yes I am not really physically able to clean all the rooms anyway after crossing 45 and the recent uterine fibroid diagnosis explaining all the physical discomfort - so he has to clean his share since he says a cleaner is only for royalty.

Also to the poster who asked, DS would defo have seen the 10+ missed calls in our group last night and would know I tried contacting his dad. I haven't raised the topic again, cos as you ladies all pointed out- I dont need DS's approval or consults to leave his dad, and that was not great parenting on my part to ask him if it was okay if I left his dad, I wont be doing that again. He is also a bit fed up of the pair of us and hoping to enjoy the summer off school now with friends and not get pulled into being the go between now that H has blocked ( H being the childish idiot he is).

It was an isolated single incident that happened to H in the mid 70s not my son - it wasnt my responsibility to protect H as I wasnt even born then.

@MMMMMBacon What’s the age gap between the two of you? Please get a good divorce solicitor and get your fair share of everything. He’s financially abusing you. Change passwords to everything like your email, bank accounts, your phone, and anything else important. Get the cards attached to your account cancelled and only yours reissued so H can’t access it. Get the bank to remove the alerts going to his smart watch if you can’t do it yourself online. Preferably get a brand new account with a different bank so you know that he absolutely can’t access it. He sounds like a miserable arsehole. I really hope that in 6-12 months you update us on how much happier you are without him and that finances are being settled fairly. You’ll be so much happier without him.

You sound like a wonderful mum @MMMMMBacon and the fact you told your H that you had feelings for another man, although you didn’t act on it, means you are also very truthful. I’m so sorry your H has used it against you, instead of realising it was a chance of making changes to ensure you were both happier in the future.
I thought your response to the post that said your H sounds like he has a small penis, hilarious!
I’m assuming that in Hindu culture, there aren’t that many divorces? I can see you wouldn’t do anything to jeopardise your son’s wellbeing, especially at the age he is because of exams. I do hope when he goes to Uni, he would not want you to remain financially abused and if that meant you both splitting all the assets and you moving down South, he would understand. He may of been brought up in the Hindu culture but he was also born in England, so he may pick and chose his options.
I hope that I haven’t wrote anything that comes across as condescending or even offensive? I find it a bit of a minefield to ask about different cultures as I ask lots of questions and my daughters always roll their eyes at me and tell me off.

Hey @SpryCat :-), Not many divorces in the HIndu community in Scotland (more so in England , but lesser than the national average). More among the millenials, than boomers and Gen X. Lots of Gen Z cousins intermarrying now, choosing not to marry at all etc.....

The number of unhappy marriages are up there with the national average, at the very least though - really IMO.

And its not right of me to say this out of context, but purely IMO and JMO, I have seen social status (whatever that means) and wealth and academic achievements given equal importance as freedom and happiness....I think more than the average, if that makes sense. I'll not say more on that topic now :-). As a pp said, I am putting off the inevitable with ever new rationale......

people who are already well off are always the greediest !

Also @SpryCat , H says the only reason I never acted on the attraction the year I worked at the place I did in 2013-2014 is cos this guy was in the New York team ...H claims I would have jumped at the chance if said colleague had been physically here in Scotland ....so H knows my innermost desires better than myself you see as he would have it .....I feel an imposter to eat up your praise that I was strong for not acting on the attraction ...H says just too foolish , not good/strong .....

@FeralWoman , I am 46 an H 53.

All my youth and best years wasted on him

Have you decided if you are going to leave him ?
If so the sooner the better not to waste anymore years .

I have not moved out and might wait to leave when son leaves for uni. But I have ended the relationship yesterday and moved to another part of the house and stopped cooking for him and sharing his bed - and he sent one text saying he is more than happy with the peace and then blocked me.

I also told my mother to not worry about willing or paying anything to me and to enjoy her retirement and spend on the money on travel and treats for herself and I actually wanted nothing but her daily video calls and mutual visits. Partly also, My own childish middle finger back at STBH who listens in when I am on the phone.

Well done .

His abuse will up when he has no access to your account .
I wouldn’t recommend staying another few years.
Your son will be fine. he will pick up on a better atmosphere in the home and a happy mother who can breath again.

Please don’t be coerced into sex ever again.
The comment about a 20 yr old is sickening especially when he has a child a few years younger. The first time he said that it would have been the last time he was near my body.

I hope you came to a great realization after typing that out because I do not think you need anyone else to tell you what is going on here.

@Imbusytodaysorry , yes definitely increases the ick ...the level of entitlement and delusion...

The thread has been tremendously helpful over the past 24 hours and I am very grateful.

I have seen a lot of this great advice in threads over and over again and tried little by little to keep imbibing sense and courage ....but one thing that did hit me like a bigger thunderbolt afresh ....was the poster who guessed my origins from my posts though I thought I had not said anything to out it ....so there are abusive men of all races and we see that on here everyday ...but something about Hs abuse and my passive responses ....outed the cultural conditioning I wasn't even specifically conscious of ....as no one I know has it like this .....lots to think about and thank you everyone again so much for the great advice !! Stay blessed always !!!!!!

I hope you’re redirecting your salary to be paid into your own, sole name bank account.

@MMMMMBacon : an an Asian woman myself and roughly your age. Your H is emotionally, financially and sexually abusive to you

Too much pressure to marry young in the Asian community and so many Asian men are totally indulged and think they can behave any way they like

If you leave you will get so much support from the women around you as they understand what it’s like and that you deserve so much better

@Medee Yes, OP's posted earlier that she will go into the bank tomorrow morning to get this sorted.

@thrive25 "Too much pressure to marry young in the Asian community and so many Asian men are totally indulged and think they can behave any way they like." But who indulges them? Their mothers?

Since yesterday, has your husband spent / transferred any money from your / joint account?

You're right BTW, when narcs deceive good spouses, the next partner tends to be a bigger narc and does them dirty.

Do you have any close friends whom you could lean on?

If you have any valuable gold etc it might be worth taking it all to your mums just in case.

To open a starling / monzo you just need your drivers licence for online identification. You could open an account today right away without leaving the house.

Do NOT move out. You have been paying the mortgage, he needs to move out.

As you have a legal UK marriage you are both entitled to some of the equity in the house and some of the savings. You need to find out NOW what he has hidden away from you and NOT to let him extract more of your money. Open a Nationwide account online - you dont have to keep it forever if you want to stay with your local branch. Use the £200 they'll give you once you have moved your money to see a lawyer. Perhaps this lady would be worth speaking to? www.mfmac.com/our-people/savita-sharma/ You can also get advice from the Citizens Advice Bureau and they will have contacts with lawyers https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/scotland/family/relationship-problems-s/getting-divorced-s/ or try this helpline www.sdafmh.org.uk/en/

As a Hindu he should be providing for his wife and son, he is not doing so as you are paying all the bills and all the mortgage. Obviously not a religious man.

I understand the difficulty of being a divorcee in the Indian community - but you work, you dont have to live entirely in that community. And 6% of uk Hindus are separated or divorced, it's no longer that unusual.

And in case you have missed it - a thread to encourage you https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5355641-hes-hit-me-and-i-dont-know-what-to-do?page=25&reply=145285219

‘As a Hindu he should be providing for his wife and son, he is not doing so as you are paying all the bills and all the mortgage. Obviously not a religious man.’

This is absolutely correct

’I understand the difficulty of being a divorcee in the Indian community - but you work, you dont have to live entirely in that community. And 6% of uk Hindus are separated or divorced, it's no longer that unusual.’

^ especially not for 2nd and 3rd generations.

He hasn’t kept his wedding vows to support you, AND has denied you a second child (for seemingly little reason) so again not fully kept his vow - he doesn’t deserve a wife’s loyalty

I disagree.
At 15 DD begged me to leave. He was abusive to everyone he could be.
Good thing she and me discussed it as he called in a child court ordered psycholgist and tried to take her off me.

It could be a hell of a lot worse than asking an 16 year olds wishes. Believe me. He NEEDS to be prepared. A man like this wont want to pay a penny in child support and will pull out ALL the stops. Best be prepared.

Oh, I got 100% custody.

So basically, while not ideal, you are doing exactly the right thing.

Your DH is an arse.
He's bitter because you earn more than he does, consequently he's got a huge chip on his shoulder.
Hopefully he's built up a big pension fund with the savings from not paying most of the household bills because you're entitled to half of it.

I’m going to say this as if I was your best friend and give you some hard truths and some of the words I use do get thrown around but as I have been in a similar position I know what’s what now looking back.

This man is taking advantage of you big time.

He is financially abusing you and also coercive. I understand that you gave history with him and a child so it’s not an easy decision.

i suggest you ask for the for the following and his answers will tell you what to do next.

1. Ooen a joint account where you both put in money - to make it ‘fairer’ for him you both put in a percentage eg 40% of what you bring in. All expenses such as bills, mortgage, school fees etc come out of this account and transactions can only be with two signatures.
2. Another joint account with minimal money going in eg £100 each per month which you both have a debit card to used for things like eating out together, takeaways, cinema trips etc. Any time you go out with your individual friends comes out of your own pocket.
3. A joint savings account that with no withdrawals without signatures from both. This is your retirement account and he has to put in whatever he has saved in here with them both you adding a set amount from your income.
4. He has to show you the last 5 years of statements from all his accounts.

i really urge you to keep paperwork on all the things you pay for and if you can have a quick dive into his accounts and take photos.

my ex had money hidden and I knew it but I couldnt prove it.

You don’t want to be at retirement age and if he decides to take a hike you are left with no savings.

You need to wise up.