DH wants DM rental income

[MMMMMBacon]

Summarised backstory first -

Married for 21 years and together 23/24 years. I am almost 47 Y/o. I am the higher earner of the two of us though we both earn decently - My only gap in work being a year Mat break 15 years ago. No second child mainly cos he is very tight fisted with money , even mine. I have always compromised and led a simple life - no fancy holidays etc , no fancy eating out or splurges with shopping. My only 'extravagance' from his perspective is I wanted our son to go a fee paying school and he does. Both our mortgage and DS school fees as well council tax, utilities, both phones go from my account that he also has a card to. His salary goes to another account that he saves , as he says, for 'our' retirement - he does afford himself little treats from there. He buys the groceries from there for us. He doesnt like eating out.

My mother has willed her house to me and is now almost 70. Last year she had rot and flooding in one part of the house and her situation was pitiable, staying at a friends house as the roof in one part of the house was horrific. She lives comfortably on a pension and some savings in the bank but didnt have enough to rebuild or even renovate parts of the house and it was ancient/crumbling. She thought about selling it to a small developer who would build it up as 2 units and then sell one and give her one unit. which I would get in future was her plan, it was H who said the developer seems very dodgy blah blah blah , finally long story short - I paid the money for the renovation and repairs which was under 50K (with him okaying it at the time) - now he says my mother should pay him 300 GBP every month for the 50K since he refused to free up any liquidity for me to have the 50k ( we have other assets we could have sold, and I had other plans for financing it myself) but he insisted at the time he pay the 50K from his severance pay he got last year (he got a new job immediately) - I told him I will give him the 300 GBP but he insists my mother pay it out of her monthly pension and savings. presumably my money is all his anyway and not he wants more. AIBU ?

To the poster who asked, yes both H and I have south asian Hindu ancestry from India, the first wave of migrations from my family was two generations ago.

The rest of my family are all settled in the south part of the UK, I came here for Hs job with him two decades ago.

The fact that a poster noted this possibility despite me trying not to be outing, shows me how deep some conditioning runs, even though we don't recognise - I feel like a walking talking cliche in some ways re the obsession with DSs academics and putting things on hold because of that. But I do have lots of friends in the same community whom I know would not put up this shit from their Hs. at all. I shouldnt have an excuse really.

Glad someone got here with this comment. This us exactly what it is, financial
abuse. You have missed out of life’s little pleasures because of this scrooge. Hopefully him demanding money off your mother is the thing that makes the scales fall from your eyes.

I can imagine when your son is older and earning he will demand he pays back the school fees even though you are the one that paid. This man is vile

Totally agree, this is a must op.

Only give him half back. You are married. Assets are joint, so half the 50k was yours. Then ducks in a row and leave the mean misogynist.

I have no useful advice, but I'm posting to say you ARE an amazing brave woman! You have totally got this! Look forward to the day you are free of this bastard!!

He’s hording money and will leave you. Stop being a cash cow and get rid before you inherit a penny.

This ^ ^, absolutely.

Dear OP, you can go into any branch of the bank you have an account with, and ask to see the manager. You can then tell the bank manager that you are being financially abused and have been for years, so you need him or her to have your salary paid into a personal account that only you have access to. You should then instruct them to not send you any post to your address, but instead to an alternative address/ P.O. box, and do not tell anyone else - including your DS (please don't ask him to keep any secrets from his Dad) - where it is.

To keep things as confusing as possible for that hateful man you are married to, only use that other "address" for posts from your bank, any solicitors that you might speak to about anything, and any receipts or correspondence that you don't want that man to know about. You can also ask your bank for their advice on whether to set up a DD or a Standing Order to pay your half of any joint household bills directly to the company you owe the money to, ie. your half of the mortgage, your half of the electricity bill, etc. You should also set up your own savings account for any of your excess salary to be paid into, automatically. You can then save up to take you and your dear son to Spain for a holiday - I am sure that at almost 16 y.o. your son will be a much better holiday companion than the nasty man your husband has turned into...

By the way @MMMMMBacon, I think that you are, and have been for many years, very brave. You have taken whatever that piece of 💩 (please ignore the smiley face on the emoji!) has thrown at you if you have believed that that was/is what was best for your DS of DM. Please remember OP that you matter too - very much so 🩷

Says he is saving for your retirement, what's to stop him doing a bunk when retirement comes around,with all the cash,he is not a man to be trusted.

He can't 'insist' that your mother do anything, I'm afraid. Who does he think he is? He sounds like a right dick and you'd be better off leaving him to live his miserable little life and you go and live with your mum!

@MMMMMBacon I didn’t want to presume because I had kind of guessed this and everything kind of fits including the lack of holidays, private school, cash hoarding etc - bollox to this I say -just end it. I don’t think there is any love lost either way, it suits him financially because you have simply gone along with him rather than standing up to him- you will be like a caged bird that can fly free at last- I would sort something out with your mum, get a joint home too if you are happy with that .get rid of this miserly mood sucker and have a damn good and fun holiday as a priority !!

Sorry @MMMMMBacon I had quoted someone, but the quote disappeared and I can't remember who it was - but I think that the rest of my post pretty much let's you know my view point anyway! xx

@MMMMMBacon OP, you refer to it as your bank account, but in reality, if it has both your names on it then it's a joint account and your "D"H's name can't be removed from it without his written permission. So, a new account is the way to go.
I hope you realise, by now, that you're being financially abused. You have a joint account (the one you think is yours) that he has regular access to without, apparently, any consultation with you, whilst he has an account in his sole name which he claims is your "joint" savings, which you have no access to and, currently, no legal right to. Now you're informally separated under the same roof, do you really think he will still see this account as "joint" savings? (As if he ever truly did.) Do you know what the current balance is in this account?
When you and your H gave the £50k to your DM to pay for the house repairs, was there any discussion/agreement for her to repay it? If not, your H can whistle for his money as there was no contract (agreement) to repay it and he can't retrospectively create a contract with your DM without her agreement. Please ensure you and your DM stand firm on this.
Finally, please do not give your DM back the jewellery she has gifted you over the years (they were gifts after all) - she wouldn't thank you for doing so and if these gifts are given more than seven years before she eventually dies, they wouldn't have to be included in the value of her estate for calculating inheritance tax.
I wish you all the very best moving forward OP. Your DH sounds utterly intolerable.

A good solicitor will have the name of a forensic accountant.
He won't have hidden it well, his type of financial abuse and efforts to hide money will be very simplistic.
Bread and butter jobs for a good forensic accountant.
When you divorce him he has to reveal all monies on a form.

Keep your information to yourself.
Judges take a dim view of those forms not being filled out honestly.
Keep all information to yourself.

But tell your GP, and solicitor the full horror of his control, abuse, sexual coercion....rape of you.

He is a criminal.

The more honest you are, the more ammunition you have when he tries to play dirty.

Vain scum like him don't like the thought of their zbuse and rape of their wives coming out, I can tell you.

Spare those you tell nothing

Why is an intelligent woman staying in a relationship with a financially abusive man?

And if there is any money left in the joint account, take out as much as you can so he doesn't have it.

You still need to protect yourself, even if living separately in the same house. You know he will be doing so. I'd also make him start paying 1/2 of all the bills and stop letting him have his money for "fun" and junk.

"I find it hard to suspect him of having another wife and family in England - cos he literally hasnt gone there in years, and I am always the one saying lets go visit famliy - he has only ever travelled to DC for work once in recent years and the other travel when there is any travel, is budget holidays or staycations with us. He works almost 7 days a week because he has become quite obsessed with money."

Apologies if I haven't caught up, but do you live in the UK?

And as many MN's netters would say....gather as much financial information as possible because he's been squirrelling away his salary for years and he OWES you in any future settlement.
Fight for this equity for the sake of your child.

Sorry you’re having a tough time but I don’t agree that you’re staying for your son. I think you are running from something, or just happy to put off problems to deal with later. I think you are using your son as an excuse to not deal with the problem that’s you’re abusive husband.

i hope you find a way to realise that by not sorting out your issues first you are actually doing your son a disservice and a problem for later. Better it’s dealt with now than later.

something happened to you to make you think that it’s better to be extremely self sacrificing than to prioritise properly. Your son will do better with a functioning mother because right now I’d say it’s not even about happiness but about peace.

I’d be speaking to their head of specialist customer support, (example here https://www.theguardian.com/money/2025/jun/24/nationwide-team-vulnerable-customers) who deal specifically with people in vulnerable positions, eg domestic abuse (which is what this is), and explain the situation. Also if you have an employees assistance programme through work, ask to speak to someone about the emotional and financial abuse you are dealing with. Then speak to women’s aid, and log everything you’ve told us. You might be eligible for a non molestation order, especially if he escalates, which sounds possible once he realises he’s losing control. I’m not sure if you’re in Scotland so here’s a link https://www.sdafmh.org.uk/en/ but in the uk, there’s this: https://www.ncdv.org.uk/ and here’s a link to women’s aid: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/ (one for Scotland:https://womensaid.scot/). Start acting decisively now. It’s scary and he’ll do anything he can to get you to cave, but you need this shitweasel out of your life, so you need to put your big girl pants on and dig deep.

whose name is on the mortgage? i don't understand why he's not paying towards households bills, me and my partner are not married, but been together 22 years, we both have our own account and then a joint account that we both pay into each month cover ALL bills, apart from his car , i don't drive and don't see the need for a fancy car, so he pays his car

Please divorce him and end this dreadful financial abuse.

Thanks a ton, everyone - Yes I am in Scotland , there isn't a huge Indian-origin community up here so I was trying not be outing and then have to request the thread to be removed - I think some mums are on here that I know from the local community and town - but I will keep coming back to the thread for a bit more as the advice has been very useful. thanks again.

I know you're right @Hocuspocustoasty , it is as much inertia as anything else.

OMG OP what a horror of a man. So glad you are now going to divorce him. Get a good solicitor, find his money and get what is rightfully your share. He's done a really number on you over the years. Time to fight back now!

thank you for the links @CandyLeBonBon , saved

The guy colleague who was my friend 10 years ago ...briefly before H made me shut that down .....wasn't Asian origin like us ...and I think in some ways - was like a breath of fresh air, the very different outlook, was part of the attraction I fought and walked away from ...sorry I shouldn't be saying this, its not Asia's fault H is a twat , that is not what I mean.

My dad was amazing to my mum, my DB is a good husband , hopefully raising my son to be too....