DH wants DM rental income

[MMMMMBacon]

Summarised backstory first -

Married for 21 years and together 23/24 years. I am almost 47 Y/o. I am the higher earner of the two of us though we both earn decently - My only gap in work being a year Mat break 15 years ago. No second child mainly cos he is very tight fisted with money , even mine. I have always compromised and led a simple life - no fancy holidays etc , no fancy eating out or splurges with shopping. My only 'extravagance' from his perspective is I wanted our son to go a fee paying school and he does. Both our mortgage and DS school fees as well council tax, utilities, both phones go from my account that he also has a card to. His salary goes to another account that he saves , as he says, for 'our' retirement - he does afford himself little treats from there. He buys the groceries from there for us. He doesnt like eating out.

My mother has willed her house to me and is now almost 70. Last year she had rot and flooding in one part of the house and her situation was pitiable, staying at a friends house as the roof in one part of the house was horrific. She lives comfortably on a pension and some savings in the bank but didnt have enough to rebuild or even renovate parts of the house and it was ancient/crumbling. She thought about selling it to a small developer who would build it up as 2 units and then sell one and give her one unit. which I would get in future was her plan, it was H who said the developer seems very dodgy blah blah blah , finally long story short - I paid the money for the renovation and repairs which was under 50K (with him okaying it at the time) - now he says my mother should pay him 300 GBP every month for the 50K since he refused to free up any liquidity for me to have the 50k ( we have other assets we could have sold, and I had other plans for financing it myself) but he insisted at the time he pay the 50K from his severance pay he got last year (he got a new job immediately) - I told him I will give him the 300 GBP but he insists my mother pay it out of her monthly pension and savings. presumably my money is all his anyway and not he wants more. AIBU ?

In what way is your judgmental comment helpful?

As the higher earner you should be able to dictate how your money is spent not him or at least have a balanced say. I am sorry to say but he sounds awful and maybe even narcissistic. I hope you either get him to agree to what you are asking and obviously not expect your mum to pay it back on terms dictated by him and maybe even separate your finances and leave. It sounds awful I hope he doesn't manipulate other sections of your life or maybe consider leaving him.

OP your son is right, he is not a small child and he wants you to be happy. In 2 years time he will be off to Uni and very few of his school friendships will anyway survive. You can prepare to move anywhere you want. You can rent meanwhile.
Just think about it - you are right in the middle of your life, easily 47 years ahead of you! You are doing great and realising that you didn't see what was in plain sight is tough, but you will get stronger out of it.

You are being a fool in letting him anywhere near your salary. He is responsible for half the mortgage and bills and you need to stop paying his half of the bills immediately. Nationwide are currently offering £200 to transfer to their current account. You can open one in your name online and they will help you move your salary to it. www.nationwide.co.uk/

Indian or not you are not a cash cow for your husband. Does his family know he is failing to support either you or his son - pretty sure he would lose face if they knew he was being kept by a woman? Threaten him with that exposure unless he starts paying his share of bills, you may want to go on paying the mortgage without him for a time. Also whatever religion you belong to would take a dim view of this. However this may complicate advice here - did you just have a religious marriage or do you have a uk marriage certificate? Whose name is on the house deeds?

You should also try and discourage your son from becoming a doctor. Many will be unemployed in August. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5337022-junior-doctors-unemployment-in-august

If he feels this is something he must do then try to get him work experience in a hospital where disillusioned young people may rapidly make him see sense. He can have a much better career in something like drug research or environmental science if he wants to help people. And the best way to help people is to make a lot of money and then use it for good.

This programme was set up for victims of domestic violence but I feel it would benefit you. www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

So glad you are asked him for a Divorce. What a despicable man he is treating you and your son like this. And that reaction is classic narcissistic. I hope you read up on inheritance laws and get solicitor advice for your divorce. Much love and wishes for your future free from him.

Once you've separated your bank accounts he needs to start paying his share of the mortgage and bills.

I was going to start by saying "he sounds like" but scrap that! He is very controlling and selfish and from everything you have said, you have good reasons to worry that you will NEVER enjoy or even benefit from what he is saving for 'your retirement'. You should be planning your exit I'm afraid, seek legal advice to work out what you need to do so that you give yourself the best chance of a 'successful exit'. If you want to have any chance of a decent, comfortable and enjoyable retirement, where you can do things that would make you happy, where you can reap the rewards of your labour, this would be your only choice. You are practically busting you ass off for your husband to sit on, without him having a care for what you might want or need. As a qualified therapist, I have to refrain from saying to people, "you should leave" because who am I? What gives me that right? But since I'm not on this platform as a therapist, I will say it. If what you have said is exactly as you've described, you will have lived your entire life for the benefit of another person who has no regard for your needs or wishes. We get one chance at this life, one very short chance, we cannot give it away to someone who doesn't care about our needs, who isn't fair and whose mission isn't to ensure we live life well. There is no balance in what you described, the dynamics are unfair and plain wrong. Good luck!

Tell him to go boil his head. He sounds very controlling financially. Do you get a card for his account or is it his money is his and your is his too

Thank you for the posts, to the poster who asked - married under both Hindu religion law and also registration here in 2004.

Seek the advice of an accountant.

I dont have a card to his account @Widower2014

This! Please have a serious think, OP.

Please, please do this to protect yourself and your son.
Having your own money is essential in this situation.
Anything that your husband uses to track or control you needs to be changed asap.
Your husband has drained your bravery - you are brave inside, you've just suppressed it for so long.
It's Ike muscle memory - once you start using it again, you will get stronger and stronger.
Sending you love and strength xx

Please just open a new account - your bank may notify your husband if you try to remove him from your joint account.

I'm just wondering whose name is on the mortgage? If you can afford it I would start looking for a little place for you and your son, and start to furnish it, get supplies etc. Just in case things get unpleasant.

OP I’m a lone parent, professional,
paying private school fees etc too. I just wanted to say to you I think definitely find a solicitor. One you like and trust. They can help you enormously through this process.

There is a good life out there for you, one which includes holidays and sharing other new experiences with your DS.

15 years ago I walked through the door of my new apartment, and I still remember the feeling of peace and relief I felt at the thought of a life without my ex in it.

Just ask for it to be moved to OTBT.

You don’t need to go into a bank to open a new account. Simply do it online and then notify your accounts dpt of change of account.

Dear OP, I wish you the very best for the future. I really feel for your situation, and you have reminded me to be specially grateful for my generous husband who would never treat a family member this way!

For your son, you could do a lot worse than pop onto the Education board - Higher Education sub-topic - and look for threads about Medicine applications. You will learn a lot from the very wise and experienced contributors there. It's great that you're already looking at securing him some experience in health and medicine-related fields, it is quite crucial to get this part of the application process right!

Jesus. What do you see in this leech that makes you stay?

and youre with this prick why?

Don't waste your emotional energy @MMMMMBacon You sound great - relly sensible and clear-eyed (except about this nasty husband of yours).

I'm pleased to RTFT to see that you're taking steps to leave. I hope you can do so, and that you have a fabulous life!

Heaps of good luck

This 💯

Thanks everyone for the kindness and advice, Mumsnet is a lifeline for many women like me .....

@Mirabai , thanks -what is the OTBT thread that you refer to ?, I am usually on Relationships , or divorce threads reading or AIBU ....first came on MN lurking during pregnancy and birth.

Wow! Well he's a money grabbing and totally unkind insensitive bastard isn't he. When are you ditching him?