DH wants DM rental income

[MMMMMBacon]

Summarised backstory first -

Married for 21 years and together 23/24 years. I am almost 47 Y/o. I am the higher earner of the two of us though we both earn decently - My only gap in work being a year Mat break 15 years ago. No second child mainly cos he is very tight fisted with money , even mine. I have always compromised and led a simple life - no fancy holidays etc , no fancy eating out or splurges with shopping. My only 'extravagance' from his perspective is I wanted our son to go a fee paying school and he does. Both our mortgage and DS school fees as well council tax, utilities, both phones go from my account that he also has a card to. His salary goes to another account that he saves , as he says, for 'our' retirement - he does afford himself little treats from there. He buys the groceries from there for us. He doesnt like eating out.

My mother has willed her house to me and is now almost 70. Last year she had rot and flooding in one part of the house and her situation was pitiable, staying at a friends house as the roof in one part of the house was horrific. She lives comfortably on a pension and some savings in the bank but didnt have enough to rebuild or even renovate parts of the house and it was ancient/crumbling. She thought about selling it to a small developer who would build it up as 2 units and then sell one and give her one unit. which I would get in future was her plan, it was H who said the developer seems very dodgy blah blah blah , finally long story short - I paid the money for the renovation and repairs which was under 50K (with him okaying it at the time) - now he says my mother should pay him 300 GBP every month for the 50K since he refused to free up any liquidity for me to have the 50k ( we have other assets we could have sold, and I had other plans for financing it myself) but he insisted at the time he pay the 50K from his severance pay he got last year (he got a new job immediately) - I told him I will give him the 300 GBP but he insists my mother pay it out of her monthly pension and savings. presumably my money is all his anyway and not he wants more. AIBU ?

Are you someone who finds it difficult to simply take action, alone, without discussing it with anyone?
Some people find their first response is to need to talk, instead of doing, as if they need the other person to help them take action.

I ask because you talked to your son about divorce, instead of just getting divorced, and then you told your DH you wanted a divorce, instead of just seeing a solicitor and starting the ball rolling.

There is no need to talk to DH or DS about any of this.

In fact you should NOT talk to DS until the time comes for the house to be sold and he needs to pack up his bedroom. Don't say anything to him until then - and that could be months and months and months, because divorce and selling a house is not a quick process.

There is no need to tell or ask DH anything - you do not need to discuss with him how to end the marriage. You just do it.

Go and see a solicitor.
Get all the financial evidence you can.
Get a forensic accountant - the solicitor will help you with everything.

Just stop talking to DH about your actions.
And cancel his access to your bank account.

@MMMMMBacon are you on the scottish side of the borders?? if so, remember they are classed as an adult at 16! they will be able to do as they want and wont be staying where they dont want to stay.

Yes. You pay for everything while he “looks after” your savings (spending that joint money in himself when he wants to), and now he wants money from your Mum too.

Please make sure you get good financial advice, OP. I’d post on Mumsnet’s money section too.

Thank you all who have posted advice.

I am sorry for the drip feed now but I was very upset yesterday about the whole insisting my DM pay him rent/interest for the renovation, when he was the one who insisted I don't sell an asset to pay for it, but instead that we use his money - his whole theory is 'spend one salary, save one salary' and the savings in theory is both ours. I do understand its his redundancy pay money, the way he speaks about it now, and it is not a small amount but I did offer to 'pay' him the 300 he wanted from my mother every month.

Yes, I am strangely very protective of my DS, I do baby him a lot. As a teen it does annoy him and sometimes he finds it hilarious. Yes you are all right, that this 50/50 is rather moot, as an almost 16 yo, most of the time hes talking to his friends on the phone, or meeting up with them. I do worry a lot about him getting back on time,not staying out after dark. Yes he had mentioned last summer liking a girl his age in the local community and that she liked him back too.

The drip feed is in 2013 when I was in my early thirties, I went through a year of wanting to leave the marriage - because I was unhappy. And I felt an attraction to a colleague that I didnt act on , just stayed friends. But I explained how I felt almost immediately as soon as I knew I wanted out - to H, this magnificiently backfired - for a while he tried for the first time to be actually everything I had dreamed of - offering great holidays, not nagging about expenses, doing a lot around the house - but then he got angry and told me (he also called my DM , in laws etc) and said if I still wanted to leave him despite him making an effort to change, he would fight really dirty with kick ass lawyers (that he was willing to spend?) to make sure I would get my 3 year old every EOW only or even less.

He then took my son away for 10 days- turns out he went to his mum's and then he did send me short messages and pictures of my son showing my son having fun with his cousins having fun. But he also made it clear that would be my life not seeing my son most of the week, not being able to stop my son from climbing the monkey bars too high, not being there 24/7 to protect my son from scapes and falls (and what if that grand uncle of my Hs who H has spoken out about, was still hanging around his mum's ??? It didnt bear thinking about !!!!). H would never have kept a constant protective eye the way I did back then.

I completely backtracked and made nice and never spoke of leaving again. The accounts were joint accounts till 2016 but hes always been mean with the money that he insists is just being prudent and sensible.

Yes I know .....Im not one of the braving amazing women on here ......I am trying though

Dear god OP, he has been abusing you for years. You were brave, you stayed to protect your son from his abusive father. Did he say that about his uncle?

Please log the coercive sex, rape with any solicitor.
You have been coercively controlled since 2013 when he took your child.

You need a forensic accountant too as he has financially abused you for years.

I think you absolutely should consider reporting him to the police.

Coercive control is a crime that is taken seriously.

Call Womens aid, ask for advice.

Where abuse like this is involved if you report to the police, you could be eligible for legal aid.

This is a truly awful man.
A house terrorist.
Please seek out support and advice.
We are here for you.

My god! He is taking the piss big time. Get rid of him. There is a better life out there! Please move on.

He is salting money away for himself. If you split up....its all his!..(he thinks).

I just wanted to say having a mean parent is really challenging and it’s better for the child you separate. My Father was on £50k in a top level job in the 80s, he spoilt himself, teeth implants, gym membership. My Mother (a teacher) couldn’t cope with his stingyness and went back to work but put the money in a joint account. They were saving but at the expense of looking after their property, no holidays, no food in the house except lowest fat cottage cheese and skimmed milk, school trips were grudged, clothes, no present unless they were bargain bin and if I wanted a book I was to go to a library miles away on my own as a child. I wanted to have the thing my friends in council estates had. It really messed up my brother and my own life. I noticed in 1990 in their Halifax account there was £60k in it. My Father lost his job turned to drink and the money was blown on courts and the general trouble and rehab alcoholics get into. I couldn’t learn so left school at 15 and was working full time and didn’t get the opportunity to train until older. My brother became obsessed with not working a leaching of my Mother to her dying day and then me. My Mother wasn’t tight but she should’ve put her foot down as it enabled problems. It’s highly dysfunctional, neglectful and there’s no excuse. Your husband is mean, that points to a bigger problem with his personality I believe, this is no life for you and your son.

He’s disgusting!! But his threats are just that, threats. I know our babies are always just that, but your ds can protect himself now. Don’t kid yourself that he doesn’t see through it all either.
If yous have jointly been spending your money and saving his then that’s your savings too. Why would you allow it to just be in his name? Get that sorted now with a block on that account if possible, because you know he’s going to play games with it.
You have took this step now op, don’t back track. Before you know it another 10years will go by.

Thanks to those reading and posting.

I don't think I ever understood the dry powder advice on here fully - I would not know how to see a solicitor and get a forensic accountant without him knowing anyway, any use of my debit card instantly pings on his watch and he can see the merchant name on the transaction.
Pulling the rug out from his feet I feel would just trigger him, I have told him absolutely no to the idea of my mother paying him every month - Knowing my mother, if she sets up a bank debit to send him 300 a month,

I will immediately instruct my bank to send my DM 350 a month, they both know from yesterday I am serious about this. He can take the 50K back as equity from this house we live in or take 300 a month from me, just NO to my mother paying him. THat is just a brand new level of low when he would not let her sell by scaring us about the building developer being dodgy etc. Seriously his need to control gets worse with middle age.

I know I am not one of the brave women on here , and I know so many of you have kindly read and I know following your advice might show me some happiness in life for my own.

But time being this morning, I am leaning toward staying separated in the same house, I have moved into the guestroom - H can leave anytime to go find that 20 + year old soulmate of his he yearns for - I dont think anyone can make him happy truly but a part of me says, he will fall hard for someone even more narc than him if thats possible , and give all his scrimped and scrooged money to her.
He can file if he meets someone he wants to be with.

Meanwhile I will focus on work , living separately in my part of the house and helping my son over the next few years, he knows he wants to do medicine at uni which I think is a wonderful life goal and I have been focussing on getting him an NHS internship for next summer when he is 16, helping him get more extracurriculars on his CV , taking him to the events relating to those when he needs ferrying. The young 15 year old girl he hangs out with seems like a lovely person , she is also academically inclined and serious about university. I hope he has a happier life than mine with his own life choices.

I know he loves his dad a lot , maybe even equally and that is okay. That is what it is. I think I will grey rock H completely out of any control over my life and he can then proceed to leave to find someone else to control or just shut up and live in his part of the house NC.
Till son is 18 - he aspires to Oxbridge, I hope all his five uni choices are near my family down south - then I will move when he leaves for uni too. thats only 3 years away.

Thanks everyone , you are all wonderful ....I read on mm forums almost everyday...for inspiration and strength.

Please update us on how his plan to find a hot 20 something goes! 😂

I've got Peter Capaldi offering Nicole Kidman out-of-date meat-paste sandwiches for dinner and giving her a bunch of flowers he found tied to a lamppost in Paddington in my head.

My god he sounds like a monster. You need a shit hot lawyer op. Consider going to women’s aid as well.

Personally op I’d be opening up a new bank account and having my salary paid into that so he has less control over your money.

Seeing a solicitor and forensic accountant might seem scary, but it's not impossible. Also, would it need to be without him knowing? Why?

In the meantime, open a new bank account and get your wages directly paid into that one instead. Transfer necessary money for bills in the account you're using now, but no more. The rest is for you, your son, treating yourself, going out, seeing friends, buying clothes, going on holiday just you and your soon.

If you are going to stay, get a new bank account and have your salary paid into it. Close your joint account or if he wont agree to closing the account, get your name taken off it.

@MMMMMBacon you think it’s redundancy , but is it really op ?
Hoe
much is hi salary a year x how long you have been paying for everything .
minus some shopping every week .

It’s your money too He has been bleeding you dry .

thank you yes, will go into the bank on Saturday morning (the non online old fashioned way) to ask about option of getting H name off my account , or opening a new one for my salary to go into.

Thanks

This. Start quietly getting your ducks in a row. Even if you don’t leave you will have a chunk of evidence if he does and plays dirty.

Please don’t be hard on yourself OP. The thought of shared custody with an abuser is terrifying. There is a saying about Keep your enemies close, for a reason.

He's been taking the piss out of you for years.

End that nonsense but not until after you've taken your share of the savings.

And I'd bet he has a small dick.

He can take the 50K back as equity from this house we live in or take 300 a month from me, just NO to my mother paying him.

No. You are not paying him back the money. He has been squirrelling away your money for years. If you had access to your own joint savings you could have taken it out of your own portion. Divorce him and leave the lawyers to argue over financials.

I don't have another real life basis of comparison , only on screen ones :-)

I think you need to ring Women’s Aid as they will have a list of local solicitors specialising in coercive control. Possibly also a therapist with similar experience to support you through the leaving process.

You can open a new account today with Monzo or Starling via the app. Just download it, do identity verification via the app and wait maybe two days to be authorised. The card will arrive in the post in a couple of days.

Then immediately contact your employer and get your salary paid into the new account.

How have you lived with such a tight arse for so long? You must have ovaries of steel. He sounds marginally financially abusive. And not very nice.

Good luck and what you did for your mother was lovely. Your DH’s response shows you what he is. I wouldn’t trust him with your joint savings.