DH wants DM rental income

[MMMMMBacon]

Summarised backstory first -

Married for 21 years and together 23/24 years. I am almost 47 Y/o. I am the higher earner of the two of us though we both earn decently - My only gap in work being a year Mat break 15 years ago. No second child mainly cos he is very tight fisted with money , even mine. I have always compromised and led a simple life - no fancy holidays etc , no fancy eating out or splurges with shopping. My only 'extravagance' from his perspective is I wanted our son to go a fee paying school and he does. Both our mortgage and DS school fees as well council tax, utilities, both phones go from my account that he also has a card to. His salary goes to another account that he saves , as he says, for 'our' retirement - he does afford himself little treats from there. He buys the groceries from there for us. He doesnt like eating out.

My mother has willed her house to me and is now almost 70. Last year she had rot and flooding in one part of the house and her situation was pitiable, staying at a friends house as the roof in one part of the house was horrific. She lives comfortably on a pension and some savings in the bank but didnt have enough to rebuild or even renovate parts of the house and it was ancient/crumbling. She thought about selling it to a small developer who would build it up as 2 units and then sell one and give her one unit. which I would get in future was her plan, it was H who said the developer seems very dodgy blah blah blah , finally long story short - I paid the money for the renovation and repairs which was under 50K (with him okaying it at the time) - now he says my mother should pay him 300 GBP every month for the 50K since he refused to free up any liquidity for me to have the 50k ( we have other assets we could have sold, and I had other plans for financing it myself) but he insisted at the time he pay the 50K from his severance pay he got last year (he got a new job immediately) - I told him I will give him the 300 GBP but he insists my mother pay it out of her monthly pension and savings. presumably my money is all his anyway and not he wants more. AIBU ?

OP I think you have been very silly saying you want a divorce. I would now start thinking tactically. Don’t let him play games with your son, if he sees your reacting he is winning. If you can try backtracking, say you were upset you didn’t mean the divorce, but plan behind the scenes if you can. Your son is almost 16 there will be no custody issues.

See a solicitor straight away and get the services of a forensic accountant, you have had over 20 years of not knowing where his money has gone.
Get all your private docs together even if you can’t get his.
Definitely give your mother her valuable belongings back urgently before he gets them, or have them put in a safe deposit.
Check your house and car for bugs, tracking devices, if he’s “techy” he may well already be watching and tracking you.
Do you have someone you can trust to support you?
Start going for nails and hair appointments while also using this time to make plans.
Lockdown all your devices and bank accounts, use passwords he won’t guess.

Others will have far better legal advice.

Do not move out however horrible he makes it.

Lady, do you even like this man, go to a solicitor and draw a divorce agreement and get rid of this brick on your back. He sounds utterly disgusting and selfish and, and , I have no words. It’s time to free yourself of this burden. Get rid of him and somehow get all your cash in your name. He’s sounds horrible. Lose the leech.

What’s even more mortifying is that he’s trying to take advantage of an elderly lady. He stinks a mile away. Who does he think he is. Take back control and lose him

How do you live with someone like this? You are being financially abused.

You pay for all the things listed….and he pays for the groceries!! - and that’s only because it suits him!

He’s beyond mean, he doesn’t sound as if he’s got a generous giving bone in his body. ‘What’s mines, my own’ suits him perfectly. He’s no intention of sharing!

You need to stop fretting and instead focus on getting rid of him….. and the practicalities of divorce.

Education is power, so start here: Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies, family solicitor websites.

Next gather as much financial documentation as you can and see a competent family solicitor. If you suspect that he is hiding assets, you may also need a forensic accountant - your solicitor will advise.

And plan your future life, @MMMMMBacon !!!

Given all OP has said a forensic accountant does sound essential.

Dear me.

Where did you say his salary is going,?

Your DM will have to be treated fairly or it might look like extortion.

Any other relatives around or involved that he might reasonably listen to OP?

Hi OP, I know you've already been taken to task about involving your son in your decision to divorce.

I think you should probably also talk to your mum, she must be feeling like this is all her fault for accepting the money.

I haven't read all the posts, only yours OP, and I wanted to say that you need to cancel your husbands card on your bank account.

I can't believe that he can access your money any time he wants to????

Open a new current account, and get your wages paid into it, then just close the old account.

When he tries to use his card, simply say that you have been 'advised' to change your account by the bank due to 'suspicious activity'.

He sounds truly alfwul. I hope today is a better day for you

One thing I’ve noticed lately is that I only see men doing these things, rarely you hear of a woman having these levels of entitlement over someone else’s money.

My DB takes half of my DM’s pension - he 100% does not need it.

I’ve recently found out my cousin’s partner controls all the money and she’s not allowed to work or any hobbies. Her only free time during the week is going to the supermarket (which then she has to show the receipts for). She’s not even married and this twat is hoarding money at her expense.

Two things here - firstly, why are you allowing him to control your finances so much on a day to day basis? That needs sorting out asap.
Secondly, and here’s the contradiction, he has paid £50k to get your DMs house repaired and he wants reimbursing - is that correct? If so, then I see nothing wrong with that. Just because your DM has written in her Will that you inherit her house doesn’t mean that will actually happen, so he may well not see that £50k ever. She could need a care home and the house would need to be sold to fund it or she could rewrite her Will to leave everything to the cats home! She could live another 20 years, which is 20 years where his £50k could have been increasing in value through interest.
He can’t be that bad if he’s loaned her the money to pay for her house repairs!

Why on earth are you discussing divorce with your DS? That’s absolutely awful!!! Stop doing that.

Don't you know?

Get evidence and get out. It is financial abuse.

The longer you stay, the worse this will get. If my husband said that if he wins the lottery he will ride off with a 20 something (we are 35 at the moment), I would be telling him he can go now.

Your son is 16, you won't need to stay in the area forever in case of divorce, max a year or 18 months, time that will be miserable with your louse of a husband.

I think your plan should be 1. Make up on the surface, gather info in the next 2-3 weeks as much as you can

1. Cut off his access to your money
2. See a divorce lawyer ASAP

And not to scare you, but the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she tries to leave. Make sure to ensure your own safety by calling the police/family members/friends/neighbors to be around if you feel unsafe. I would move out one day while he's at work with the help of male movers.

Your own bank statements will show that you have always paid the full mortgage and bills - you provide copies of those to your solicitor. You then ask your solicitor about applying for an occupation order based on your husband's abuse of you. The legal board might give you some idea if this will be granted, possibly not if he has never been physically abusive. If he becomes more abusive now record it, that plays into your hands.

Contact an estate agent and have your home valued. You may need to put it on the market soon. The money he gifted to your mother (he doesnt have any proof it wasnt a gift, does he?) can be taken into account when considering if he is due any equity from your home.

Whatever your son does now he will grow up and realise you are happier away from an abusive man.

I was a "financial asset" to my father
That didn't stop me going NC at 21. Mum finally left when I was 19.

Children see the abuse.
He's 16.. you aren't going go lose him

Stop letting the fear hold you.

Get on to lawyers. Leave this shithead and get your money (all of it!) And either buy him out or leave the palace of broken dreams and start fresh.

Do not do what my mum did and waste 50k on rental over x years while waiting for her final settlement. Hold on and move it along faster

Agree with others re pretend you didn't mean it and then get stuff together.

Can your son move schools if you move back south

@Lafufufu how were you a financial asset?

While your situation is awful, and clearly you need to get out of there, the way you are talking about your 16 year old is very odd - as though he’s much younger.

At 16, he can be out later at night (especially with his own father!). You also don’t seem to understand that you can’t control him (going to court for a court to decide contact) and how often he sees his father. He’s old enough to decide that on his own - and likewise with you. But at 16 (and onwards) there will be no 50/50, no losing 50% of your time etc because he’s of an age where he should be forging his own relationships - girlfriends, friends etc that will take up more of his time than his parents. This is all developmentally normal for someone of his age - the way you write, it’s as though you’re disconnected from how old he actually is, and it’s as though you’re talking about custody/contact arrangements for a young child.

You definitely shouldn’t be seeking his advice/opinions/approval on ending your marriage - that’s bordering on emotional abuse.

Get a forensic accountant, they’ll find all the pensions/investments and you’ll get half of them.

But most of all, try to dial back the panic, and drama. Your husband sounds manipulative and like he wants to get at you. Teenagers do not like drama. If you continue, you’ll make it very easy for him to manipulate your son negatively against you (‘why is she ringing again? Why is she talking about bedtimes as though you’re a baby?) etc etc. Teenage brains are selfish and self centred. You run the risk of giving him a very easy path to being the favoured parent.

I think you need to review the whole financial settlement up so that you both pay a % of your earnings into an account to pay to pay for bills and food. You both put a % into joint savings. You both keep the same amount in your own account to spend as you wish.
He is financially abusing you and trying to do.the same to your mum.

I have a close friend whose ex husband clearly had an account with money in it (you could see the money going off from his current account) but just refused to engage on it and the divorce was finalised without them ever getting to the bottom of it. It even ended up in court and the judge just skimmed over it.

Somehow you have to get hold of a statement from his savings accounts.

OP this is not ok. You must talk to your family and urgently see a solicitor.

I wondered if you are from a South Asian background. There is this absurd cultural ideology that a women and her family's wealth belongs to the husband. This is the reason why many people from that community want boys only.

Don't waste another year of your life on this miserly man for the sake of your son. Please don't put him in the middle of this mess. He sees and knows everything.