Suspicious of neighbours behaviour towards my DH

[Stace88]

The couple who lived next door to us when we moved in broke up a few months ago and the man has since moved out.

The woman who lives there rarely spoke with us before but since breaking up is always chatting to my DH when she sees him. I can be stood next to him and she doesn’t look at me and aims any conversation towards him. She also refers to him by his name but doesn’t ever say mine.

That alone isn’t what my post is for. In the last couple of weeks she has made comments to DH - she saw him get back from the gym and asked him if he’d be her personal trainer (note - DH isn’t in bad shape but is a once a week gym goer and certainly isn’t a PT!). DH politely replied and she said she hasn’t had any workouts since becoming single and added ‘if you know what I mean’ with a laugh - fairly obvious what she was insinuating.

Yesterday, I was out all afternoon for a friends’ baby shower so my car wasn’t on the drive. DH told me he was pottering in the garden when our neighbour called his name over the fence and asked if he could help her with moving something in her garden which was too heavy for her, DH said yes and she told him to go down the side gate.

When DH went round she was wearing a bikini and in his words had clearly not been doing any gardening. He moved a pot at her request and then she asked where I (“your missus”) was. DH said I was out for the afternoon and she then asked if he fancied having a drink with her in her garden. DH politely made his excuses and came home.

I trust DH completely but feel like our neighbour is starting to stray into CF territory and I worry what her intentions are. DH thinks I’m being silly. Do you see where I’m coming from?

Have you looked at his phone? This sounds like it's been going on a while under your nose op :-(

@Stace88 I'm genuinely sorry to read your updates OP, but so glad you took @OchreRaven 's advice to get closer to the truth. It sounds like you played your hand brilliantly, although I fear you still haven't got the full story out of him - is it really credible that they stopped short of full intercourse? Why would they? What was there to stop them? And this is the problem I think you have going forward OP - he's lied to you repeatedly and even now you can't be sure he's told you the whole truth. How does he think he can regain your trust if he can't be totally honest? Contrition is worthless without absolute candour.
I think counselling would help you clarify your thoughts and decide whether you want to try to salvage your marriage - or not.
BTW, I wouldn't confront the neighbour (even though I would feel like kicking her into the other end of next week) because I wouldn't want to give her the satisfaction. Just hold your head high and ignore her.
I wish you the very best of luck with your decision-making and moving forward in whatever way helps you find happiness again. 🤗

He says he hadn't felt wanted by you but if that's how he felt then why didn't the stupid man talk to you about it?
When it's handed on a plate, some men do not have the integrity to decline.
So it seems that you are with a person who is both stupid and lacking in integrity. I would say that you could do much better.

Hi OP - I’m so sorry. What an utter betrayal. I would say I think this was planned. It seems a bit suspicious that the afternoon you’re out is the one she asks him to help move some plant pots or whatever. I suspect he told her you would be out and so they planned an assignation (whether they had talked about it being physical I don’t know, but he knew that it might turn into that I’m sure). I guess cheating on you is one thing but i. making the NDN out to be a crazy woman ii. making you the villain by saying he felt unwanted are so absolutely misogynistic that I couldn’t stomach staying with him. He’s really shown you what he thinks of women (a lot of it unconscious I’m sure). I wouldn’t confront the NDN. Hold it together and if she ever mentions anything just thank her for it. Because this has really helped you see just who your OH is, and thank god you can choose not to spend the rest of your life with him if you don’t want to now.

The reason he gave for cheating is one of the reasons why a lot of women say they cheat dont forget. So dont concentrate on the reason. He cheated and lied and that's all you need to know.

He's trying to turn the blame for his behaviour back on you? the fuckwit.

I’ve told him to stop contacting me and give me some space as it has been relentless this evening.

I’ve remembered comments he made about our neighbour in the past and it makes me even more surprised he went there with her. She has plumper lips and big boobs, different hair colour to me - really nothing alike in appearance. I remember him specifically saying he’s so glad he’s with someone ‘natural’ like me.

He keeps mentioning that he didn’t sleep with her as if that’s something I should be happy about. My friend pointed out to me earlier that arguably what he did is even more intimate!

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's awful! I agree with your friend, it doesn't need to be penetrative sex, it is still sex. Even without penetration, it is cheating, betrayal, lying and gaslighting. 😞

Also when he says he didn’t have penetrative sex with her can you even believe that anyway? I don’t know many adults who would lose themselves so much in the heat of passion to betray their spouse in the worst possible way just across the bloody road, but not so much to go beyond high school stuff. It’s a complete contradiction. He’s probably STILL minimising and drip feeding like if he doesn’t all out admit what they did it might somehow be forgivable. To trust him at his word on what happened means to trust him at all, and he’s already proven he can’t be trusted.

It’s bloody disgusting on all levels. I caught up on your posts earlier from start to finish and heard you go from “I trust my husband, but not her” to “he said she came on to him” through to “he’s full on cheated on me”. My heart sank for you. The bit that killed me was your last post where you are comparing yourself to her, like she must have some magical unicorn vagina that no man can possibly resist. Him cheating on you has nothing to do with your looks or how you compare to her, and everything to do with his weak personality. And she’s the worst kind of woman. Going through a divorce herself and her response is to ruin someone else’s marriage- why? For what? What was she using him to achieve? Or is she such a bitter old hag that she can’t stand seeing someone else happy? And him stupid enough to fall for it. It’s absolutely bloody pathetic. He’s pathetic and she’s rotten to her core. So please stop comparing yourself to her. You are so far superior to her you may as well be a different species.

Order a vibrator and post it through her door. The CF might just possibly get the message.

Your H is spouting off the typical nonsense about not feeling wanted, don't worry it wasn't PIV sex, it didn't mean anything, blah blah, blah. Truth is those are just the meaningless words of a liar. He knew her behavior was upsetting you. So he knew it made you jealous, so the whole not feeling wanted but is again lies. He knew and liked having two women fighting over him. It is an ego boost and he got off on it.

Masturbating each other or oral sex (he didn't quite specify did he the getting off) is very intimate. You don't go from can you move a pot to kissing to getting each other off with no lead up. I would guess this has been going on for some time and he finally got caught out when you started noticing how she treated you. He felt a little guilty so started to spin her as being a bunny boiler and not right so you wouldn't believe her if she told you something happened.

He didn't admit it and wasn't remorseful until you tricked it out of him. He is not one I would trust and I would bet anything he has been having an affair for awhile now. It hurts but you sound so lovely and deserve so much better. I am not sure how old you are OP but I know most men would be grateful to have someone like you. Your DH and the neighbor are trash and deserve each other. I still cannot fathom why anyone would want to be with someone who was willing to cheat on their partner. They are no prize to be won but the sloppy seconds of someone else.

Incidentally I would make sure his parents know exactly what he did and why he is there. Do not let him spin a tail to turn you into the villain. Cheating is not just about the sex. It is about the lies, deceit and utter betrayal of the person who was supposed to protect you and love you but they are the one to cause the pain. Let him live with his regret, he deserves nothing from you. He threw away a diamond for a cheap piece of worthless glass.

I agree, @icelolly12. Their sexual rendezvous next door didn’t just come out of nowhere. It was planned. These two snakes have been building a connection for quite a while, and H has been twisting the narrative to fool @Stace88. Their inappropriate relationship would have commenced way before a few weeks ago, and could have even played a role in OW’s break-up.

@Stace88, your shifty H cheated because he could, but he is manufacturing reasons to demonize you to justify his betrayal. Of course, nothing could ever justify his sordid faithless behavior. Even if he did have an issue (he didn’t), he had an array of healthy, respectful options to use deal with it — trashing you by pursuing an affair with the neighbor and sneaking over for a pleasuring session are not among them.

It’s rich that he is patting himself on the back because they didn’t have intercourse when, as you say, what they did do together was incredibly intimate, even more so.

He has been quite the manipulative conniver while leading his double life. My trust and respect for him would have plummeted to zero.

All of this. He will surely try to paint her as the bad guy, so she needs to tell their friends as well, before he gets to them and spins a bitch be crazy narrative.

And the neighbour who knew he was married? Dirty bastard too or does she have no agency at all in this?

@Stace88 im sure it’s hard to hear people say it’s been going on for ages and is much worse than he has admitted to. That may or may not be the truth. But what is true is you can no longer trust him. Last week the thought of him being the reason she’s divorcing was laughable. Now it’s one of many possibilities. Not saying being intimate is not unforgivable but for me the lying is worse. People do stupid things in the heat of lust. And while it shows weakness lying is what ruins a relationship IMO. Not believing what your partner tells you is the full truth is more hurtful than a sexual act. Whilst he did come clean (you think) eventually he only got there after manipulation and threats. In his head there was no other option but disclosure. He didn’t tell you because he wanted to be honest.

His comments about her looks are consistent with his previous narrative. He obviously found her attractive and was excited by the attention she gave him. He then had to rewrite that to you so that you wouldn’t worry (because he knew you should). Essentially everything he has told you is a lie or a half truth. He’s been complicit in getting to this stage and then freaked out when you caught on and started addressing it.

But just because he was attracted to her doesn’t mean he wasn’t attracted to you. His claims of not feeling wanted are bull. He enjoyed feeling wanted by two women so suddenly just feeling wanted by one wasn’t enough. He was thinking with his ego and dick and now he’s ruined your relationship and the love you had for him. He’s made the biggest mistake of his life.

I wouldn’t go scorched earth in this case. She’s trash. Show him how classy women behave. Silence is your friend.

Just to add. I agree that PIV is not always the most intimate. If my H gave someone else oral I would never be able to look at him again. It would hurt more because things like kissing would become painful knowing where his mouth had been.

So sorry this fuckwit and his slag have done this to you, you don’t deserve it and have done nothing wrong. I do think, as others have said, that this may not have been a one off event. How did the OW know you were out and for how long etc, that comes straight from your H.
Cheaters will always try and excuse behaviour by minimising the act….it all just took us over, not actual sex….blah….blah.
i wonder if it has been happening for a while and he was getting nervous that it was all running away with him…and tried to calm the neighbour by saying no more, or it’s gone too far now……maybe OW had said that if he stopped, she would tell you what had been going on……
Whatever the scenario it’s the same outcome, get rid of the lying arsehole….you deserve so much better. Good luck.

Calm down. I'm focused on him because he's the one she's married to.

Same. Is every cringey attempt followed by the sound of a Swanee whistle, carry on style?

I'd be very at my husband not seeing this embarrassing display for what it is btw.

Just seen the updates. Yikes.

I'm so sorry OP. What an absolute bastard he is. I bet she's been threatening to tell you and that's why he was asking if you'd seen her.

Take a long break from communicating with him. Look after yourself.

I'm so sorry OP, you must be reeling 😔 what an unbelievably shitty thing to do and on his own doorstep. I hope you have lots of support around you, friends and family. Will he stay at his parents in the immediate future while you get yourself together? Will you have to sell the house or can he buy you out? I can imagine that you're not feeling comfortable in your own home with the OW next door!

Oh THIS 👆with bells, whistles and knobs on! REALLY well said @Nodlikeyouwerelistening . 🤗

OP, do you know why your neighbours relationship ended? You said it was a few months ago, do you think your H could have been involved..

I totally agree with this. I wouldn't want my DH near me ever again knowing he'd been this intimate with someone else. 😔