Just found out the person I am seeing has absolutely no assets or pension!

[Jemjemima]

I recently had an amicable separation from my husband about a year and a half ago and have been seeing a new partner for about 6 months. This person really is a wonderful man and I haven’t felt this comfortable with anyone for a very long time. He is attentive, caring and has been very supportive. I was very Frank from the start that I didn’t know which direction I was heading and that I wanted to do the right thing all ‘round to make the separation as calm and respectful as possible for my 2 teenage children. He was happy to offer support and we have had some great times together. I had noticed he had quite a few credit cards, rented a flat and had a lease car. I am financially solvent and have worked all my life and planned hard but I am not interested in grand jestures or posh nights out. I always pick up the bill every other meal, treat us to a weekend away etc, but I have noticed on occasion his cards get rejected. I have asked him about it and he just says it’s all fine. I have started to have feelings for this man but my gut is saying no! I have since discover that he is in £30k worth of debt, no assets and no pension. He had a good job and was earning £70k but was always struggling a bit. He is 59 and has recently been made redundant and his employment and insurance stops paying in September. My daughter goes to uni in about 16 months for 5 years and so I know I will have to be careful with my money, this I had planned for. I will soon be living alone once the house has sold and will need to be cautious but I hate myself for wanting to end this relationship because of his lack of any stability. He has actually been fighting for unfair dismissal and has said he will have a payout soon and that will be his pension but it will just not be enough and he has some cavalier ideas for his money! I want to end the relationship but I feel so guilty. I am not motivated by money in the slightest. He is currently trying to keep the relationship going but I want to run! I hate to be practical when love is involved!

He's either a conman or a conman

One minute " it's life" the next he has a long list of reasons all which paint him as " nice"

He's either a conman and it's all bullshit or he's telling the truth and he's a foolish conman
Let's say it's the second example
It's called White Knight Syndrome

The future looks like this
He stops paying for anything or bills if the live together because " my kids need" and then he's bailing out adult DC
Op will then have to pay for everything and be subsiding their homes, spending her money on his living costs and his kids.

As @LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta said
Textbook

Wake up Op
You are being groomed

Oh and he's very good at it
You started the thread wanting to run away @Jemjemima
Then you are goady and defensive
Now you believe this Walter Mitty tale
🤦‍♀️

Hilarious isn’t it?

From June we had:

I hate myself for wanting to end this relationship because of his lack of any stability.

I want to end the relationship but I feel so guilty.

He is currently trying to keep the relationship going but I want to run!

I have feelings and want to fix him but I have done that in the past and I need to stop doing it and live my own truth

My gut is saying no but he is heart broken and fighting to keep this relationship. He said he will do anything not to lose me.

But he’s done a great job in the last 3 months - she’s smitten - the frog has been boiled.

These guys ALWAYS have a housing crisis, try to move in, are the BEST house guest for a bit, get comfortable, and are very often difficult to shift, using manipulations and guilting, and often devoted love bombing, to get their way.

My friends sister, who is no fool, was briefly taken in by the "sudden housing issue" and allowed him to stay "a few weeks" so he could get sorted. Of course he was the best house guest, but she could quickly see he was getting too comfortable when he mentioned some DIY projects he would do a month into his stay, and no talk of flat hunting.

Her brother was coming to Europe for an extensive trip and she told him one night that he would need to be gone by the end of the month as her brother was coming to stay.

He was so wounded and upset, saying surely his being there made no difference to her brother's visit.
She had to be quite firm and tell him the agreement was for a few weeks and she wasn't looking for a permanent house guest ( a non paying one too!!).

He was most put out and quite snippy with her for the next two weeks, when he suddenly upped and left to stay with a friend.

He expected her to be upset but she was so relieved, that she quickly gathered up the rest of his stuff and finished with him, which he claimed to be completely blindsided by.

She had a male family member deliver it all to his friends house, who didn't look at all impressed.
He had wrongly thought upping and leaving might shock her to her senses.

It was a lesson she never forgot as she realised she didn't want to share her home with anyone again.

She has definitely hard swerved a few similar types since, lesson learned.

OP has two expensive teenagers to support. No spare money for this moocher

I agree. Her DCs are her priority after the collapse of their family unit. OP needs to focus her finite emotional capacity and clarity on her DCs in these critical years - not distracted and on high alert for the moochers manoeuvres.

How many sob stories are you going to fall for OP?

This is absolute textbook. Have you watched any of the romance scam documentaries? In every single one, without fail, the woman says that her friends and family warned her but she didn't listen to them.

That's what you're doing now.

They do really start to believe the little “ oh, woe is me story” that they spin. My husband has a whole different opinion about what went wrong in our marriage and he believes himself. Totally made up to make him look great and I’m the bad guy. I found out he’d been spinning his yarn from other people. They would say things to me about being nothing like the person my husband portrayed me as being.

So - after physically being affected by this - awful feelings in my gut and what must have been some sort of panic attack, I have ended it. I am sad that he has said that he wasn’t enough at the end of the day and it was just about the money, making me feel shallow and not really seeing that his situation at his age is not a healthy future for himself or anyone else. I have learnt that he was used to his world - flying by the seat of his pants and it no longer worried him. But I am just not like that. So, thank you for the advice MN. I feel rotten but this will be a good time to focus on my teens, get the house sold and start again. Get some counselling and focus on working on myself. X

Just tell him you’re not looking for anything serious and keep enjoying it.

But ideally I would just dump him.

I think you did the right thing @Jemjemima . You weren't compatible. Your values were different. I know it must feel disappointing but far better to do it now than invest too much emotionally and physically and then have it all unravel further down the line.

He is! He has fallen in love he says which is lovely after 10 years in a lonely marriage but there is a Massive elephant in the room! I hate myself as he is very upset. X

🎻🎻🎻🎻🎻🎻🎻🎻

I would take all of this with a chunk Himalayan mountain salt.

He is the tragic hero in all his stories.

Praise be!

@Jemjemima "I have learnt that he was used to his world - flying by the seat of his pants and it no longer worried him."

Yes, because he thinks he'll be able to find someone who will save him (like you), or he'll be able to hang off his kids eventually.

He's not a responsible man.

I sometimes have to think of Maggie in Cat On a Hot Tin roof, who grew up in poverty. She said something like, you can be young and poor, but not old and poor. Your ex will find this out, and then he'll be scrambling to find/trick/guilt someone into helping him, when he could have helped himself long ago by gaining a modicum of financial responsibility.

Don't let him guilt you into thinking it was about the money. It wasn't, it was about his irresponsibility.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta
It is an awful feeling - I am 56 and need to have time on my own. But I can hear his epitaph - she ended it because of money! I loved his family - he was an island at a time when I needed it and I still do if I’m honest. But I have to grow up and get on with my future.

Sorry, but I think a large part of why he's upset is because his financial life raft just got yanked out of his reach.

This is not to say you are not loveable and beautiful, I am certain you are all that and more. His underlying motivations - of which he himself may not really be aware - are no reflection on your worth at all.

He's a feckless, irresponsible man, and too old to be that way. Not a good catch.

Differences in approaches to finances are one of the biggest causes of relationship problems. Such attitudes are formed early and deeply ingrained. Sometimes you can work around them, sometimes not.

Well, your epitaph is, he forced me to end it because he is irresponsible, he has no qualms living in a precarious state where someone will be forced to bail him out down the track, and he showed zero intention to change.

Time on your own sounds good. I know it's trite, but time WILL heal this wrenching pain and inner turmoil you feel.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta

Thanks Louise - after years of feeling invisible and unattractive, he did make me feel very attractive! I look after myself as we all try to do. Please forgive me - I need a laugh at the
moment - but when we went away recently, we were standing at a beach bar and this bloke approached us, pointed at Paul and said ‘either you are very rich or have a massive cock!’ I’ll take anything at my age and tbf fair, Paul said no to both!

I think you have really grown emotionally over this period and you should be very proud of yourself.

You have listened to your gut feelings and although we as women are often trained to override that smoke alarm to keep the peace and prioritise others needs to our detriment - yours kept ringing and you took action.

MN is brilliant for people having the exposure and experience of situations so there is a crowd source of wisdom and knowledge.

Your DCs need your 100% focus - for another year or so - you don’t have the time or energy to be distracted by this self serving chancer.

I'm sorry to read your update as I understand how it feels. The sadness and grief of what could have been but couldn't due to the circumstances. And those circumstances do temper the 'love' feelings over time anyway.

Im so impressed by the fact you were so in tune with your somatic response to the situation though. I know I squashed my emotions down to keep the good bits but the bad bits would come out in my body (itchy patches for no reason in my case).

You mentioned it a couple of times in earlier posts about 'not wanting to upset him' and you're feeling really guilty about it in this post too.
Please please don't. I think I posted earlier that not wanting to upset someone isn't enough of a reason to ignore all the other issues that were bothering you.

Of course he's snapped back about 'the money' and turning it around so you're the bad person. He's cross and sad that HIS dream of the future isn't happening now too.

You are NOT the bad person here. Not by any stretch. Your inner 'sensible person', the person who set their life up and planned it to be ok in older age (along with the sacrifices that took in the past) is showing up for you.
That got squashed with all the romance and fizziness of the relationship in the early days.

I too wonder if I'll ever find that exciting 'frisson' with another again (am 5 yrs older than you) and who knows? I think that's my sadness but I couldn't change how my ex lovers situation was and you not could change his. It's how it was and it was the giant elephant in the room that we couldn't tolerate long term. Mine was a different situation but the feelings were the same.

Sending good thoughts to you. Some time out just for you concentrating on life moving forward is the best plan and sometimes in the middle of the night I remember fabulous moments we had and they make me glow and I'm so glad for the experience. I let myself get lost in the memories sometimes just for a while and then next day remember the reasons I ended it and have no regrets.

You will too someday 🙂

Well, it was definitely a compliment... if a bit crudely stated... 😂

YOU are a catch. 56 is actually a time of phoenix-like rejuvenation for many women: they are past the horrors of menopause, they've ditched parasitical shit men or (luckily) the parasites have run off to parasitise someone else, they don't care anymore what others think of them, they are grasping life with both hands and really enjoying themselves.

If eventually you want to date again, you might want to check out the Burned Hatstack Method, so you don't waste your time and energy on substandard men.

Lifeislove

thank you so much for that x. You sound like a wise person indeed! The very best to you xx

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta
It was a bit crude - but hey. I am still excited about the future as it can only be a good
contrast to the past. Thanks for your words, I do feel empowered and it certainly is an age for renewal and clear thinking! Xx