How to fix my marriage - think it's doomed

[Willthegrassbegreener]

Ive been with my husband for nearly 15 years. Sex has always been the weakest part of our relationship. I think I sacrificed my needs to settle for a nice kind man, that I thought would be a good dad. In hindsight this was pretty foolish of me, especially considering the relationship before this had so much chemistry so I know how good it can be. I'd always hoped given time that we could make it work but he's just not wired that way.

Since having children together it is the worst it has ever been. It doesn't help that our youngest child sleeps badly and sometimes ends up in our bed. I've tried to address the lack of intimacy with him but he has told me he does not feel comfortable having sex when the kids are in the house, at all.

I'm really struggling with this and can't see how we can improve our sex life. I don't feel ready to break up our family but I don't know how I can continue without some kind of intimacy. It doesn't help that we have no childcare, other than school. So its not like we can easily go out on dates or romantic weekends away as that is just not our reality.

What have other people done in my situation? I can't stop crying about it all as I never wanted to end my marriage but I'm struggling to see a way forward when things are so mismatched.

Sexless marriage support thread.

Have a look at this.

Thank you @Eric1964 . Although after having a quick read, it seems like there are lots of us in the same predicament. I'm not sure of that makes me feel better or worse!

I know the feeling. It doesn't get you much further forward, but might validate how you feel.

How did you sacrifice your needs?

I wonder what the reaction would be if your text was from a man, thinking about breaking up a family because the sex wasn't right for him? One can imagine the outrage! You could try spicing things up, perhaps going away for a weekend with the grandparents looking after the children, or perhaps trying to have have sex quietly and discretely. Just a few thoughts here but just imagine what you would do if the boot was on the other foot.

It definitely validates my feelings @Eric1964. I'm scared that if I break the family up that I'll end up in a similar relationship again as it seems so common. Especially as I'm not getting any younger.

@MiloMinderbinder925 I think I made sacrifices because I knew early on the sex wasn't great. It was always me iniating things. But he was a great man, who I felt safe with. I just had hope that we could work on it. We've had times over the years where things have improved but now after children it feels a bit hopeless.

@MyObservations : I wonder why you think that's relevant? As I said in the other thread, in sexless marriages, the women and men who want sex suffer equally, and in the same way. MN is female-dominated but, provided they express themselves well, men get a fair hearing here.

@MyObservations are you suggesting that because I'm a woman, I shouldn't be feeling like this? Maybe I should just be quiet and be grateful for my lot.

If you'd have read my op properly, you'd have noticed that we don't have grandparents or anyone we can leave the kids with to have some kind of magical weekend away. We have tried having sex quietly as you suggest but my husband doesn't enjoy it and has now said he no longer feels comfortable doing it whilst they are in the house. I'm not some sex crazed monster but just wondered how other people dealt with things like this. I'm not quite at the point where I'm ready to break up my relationship but I have to seriously consider if I can continue in this marriage when things are like this.

What I mean is how bad is he? Are we talking completely selfish and ignoring your needs? Erectile dysfunction? Weird fetish? Lack of libido? Premature ejaculation?

Some is resolvable if he's willing. For example, he can see a GP about lack of libido, erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation.

I can't seem to find anything about grandparents, perhaps I'm missing something.

Looking at things from the other perspective tends to help in my experience

Looking at things from the other perspective tends to help in my experience

You need to somehow ascertain if he genuinely struggles because me the kids are in the house or if that is just his excuse and there is some other reason.

That's a very fair and reasonable comment. However, people who want to have sex will find a way in all but the most difficult circumstances.

You clearly can’t go on as it is, so I think you just need to be honest with DH - “I’m thinking about leaving you as a marriage without intimacy isn’t something I want or can cope with. Are you willing to work on this with me, or shall we go our separate ways now before the resentment really damages our friendship?”

Your mismatched libido is something you need to work on with your DH, but having said that I understand his position. I’m unable to have sex when my dd is in the house, I can’t understand how other people do it. So this is a very real issue - I never had sex issues before. Please don’t underestimate this and try to find solutions together. We only do it a handful of times a year due to this, luckily we are both ok with it and just try to find opportunities

Absolute rubbish. Intimacy is important and if one person doesn’t want to have sex and the other person isn’t ok with that then regardless of gender, they are not wrong for considering ending their marriage if the other person refuses to work on it

@speedydatingD0Tuk we have often tried to talk about things and often things will improve initially but then things always seem to slip back to how they were. I've thought about that scenario and that's so tough because if we stay together I'll be glad the kids still have parents together. But on the other hand, will I have lost a part of what makes me, me.

@MyObservations it's the part where I said the only childcare we have is school. There is nobody else, just us two which obviously doesn't help.

@MiloMinderbinder925 he's not selfish at all. As I said, he's a great man in so many ways. Apart from this one issue, where he has always struggled with ED and low libido. Sex just feels awkward and clunky as I'm can tell he's not really into it. I doubt I'd be able to convince him to see a doctor after all this time. The issues have slways been there from the start but there have been peaks and troughs.

@ConkerGame I think you are right. I'm such a wimp when it comes to conversations like this. You make it sound so easy!

Would you consider an open
marriage?

No, you're not a "wimp". These conversations are incredibly difficult due, in part, to the fact that we're conditioned to expect and to accept a monogamous marriage, and this conditioning starts from a very early age. I'm currently having therapy and, if there's a point to it, it's to gather the strength to have this very conversation with my wife; but first, I have to get in touch with my feelings about this sufficiently so that I lose any sense of "shame", and that I understand - as you should - that my feelings are perfectly valid. I'll be honest: it scares me. What if I don't find the courage? How will the me in ten years time feel looking back at the me of today?

@Willthegrassbegreener

You need to have a conversation with him and say you'll support him while he investigates the reason behind ED and low libido. It could be low testosterone, a physical issue or it could be something deeper.

Couple's counselling might also be helpful to assist with communication. If he's not willing to do anything at all, then you have a decision to make.

I'm really sorry you’re feeling this way. It’s incredibly tough to feel lonely and disconnected in your own marriage, especially after so many years and with children in the mix. Please know you’re not alone, many couples go through similar struggles, particularly after having kids when life gets busier and more complicated.

You’ve been brave in talking to your husband about your needs. Keeping those lines of communication open is important, even if it feels awkward. Sometimes, focusing on your emotional connection as well as your physical one can help both partners feel less defensive and more open.

I also want to reassure you that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with having a strong sexual appetite or missing that physical spark. Whether that means loving sex, craving intimacy, or, yes, just loving cock. Everyone’s desires and needs are different, and it’s completely valid to want a fulfilling sex life as part of your relationship. It’s not something to feel ashamed about or to hide.

If practicalities like lack of childcare are making things harder, maybe you could find small ways to reconnect, like a movie night at home, a walk together, or just making time for a proper chat after the kids are in bed. Intimacy often starts with these little moments.

If things don’t improve, couples therapy can really help. Sending you strength and support.

True, I wasn't saying anything to the contrary. But if the boot was on the other foot, all the sympathy would be for the woman who doesn't necessarily want sex. I'm just trying to be objective here.