How to fix my marriage - think it's doomed

[Willthegrassbegreener]

Ive been with my husband for nearly 15 years. Sex has always been the weakest part of our relationship. I think I sacrificed my needs to settle for a nice kind man, that I thought would be a good dad. In hindsight this was pretty foolish of me, especially considering the relationship before this had so much chemistry so I know how good it can be. I'd always hoped given time that we could make it work but he's just not wired that way.

Since having children together it is the worst it has ever been. It doesn't help that our youngest child sleeps badly and sometimes ends up in our bed. I've tried to address the lack of intimacy with him but he has told me he does not feel comfortable having sex when the kids are in the house, at all.

I'm really struggling with this and can't see how we can improve our sex life. I don't feel ready to break up our family but I don't know how I can continue without some kind of intimacy. It doesn't help that we have no childcare, other than school. So its not like we can easily go out on dates or romantic weekends away as that is just not our reality.

What have other people done in my situation? I can't stop crying about it all as I never wanted to end my marriage but I'm struggling to see a way forward when things are so mismatched.

Thank you for commenting @Nichebitch I appreciate hearing from other people who also struggle to switch off when kids are I'm the house. I am incredibly sympathetic to my husbands views on this and I've not pressured him at all. That's why I wanted to hear how other people navigated this, especially when we aren't as lucky to have grandparents to help. I'm glad you've found some understanding with your partner. I think I'm just finding it hard to envision a future where we can only be intimate when the kids aren't in the house. It feels like such a huge amount of time we'll be losing if we are always having to wait. It's this that has made me reassess things because no means no and I don't want to disrespect his wishes but I don't know if that's enough for me to be happy.

@PizzaSophiaLoren hmm, I'm not sure. I don't think my husband would be able to cope with that. Plus morally it feels shaky ground. Ive already been thinking back to sex with previous partners, which I feel terrible about. I also wonder if it would just open pandora's box and make me resent him even more. Think if I want sex with other people the right thing to do is to separate first. It's just so much more difficult with kids involved. I know open marriages can work for lots of couples bit I'm not sure ours is strong enough for that.

Communication is key to a healthy relationship. Talk. Tell him your feelings ask him to be honest. Is it testosterone lvls ? Money worries ? A lock on the door could help ?
make a plan. Share your needs.

But sex takes a back seat in sooooo many relationships when there are young children
I hope your marriage can be saved.
Lots of potential problems re future relationships with kids etc that is the reality

OP I know it’s scary to have the convo but surely not as scary as a sexless marriage for the next 15ish years?

That's exactly the point.

It doesn't help that we have no childcare, other than school. So its not like we can easily go out on dates or romantic weekends away as that is just not our reality. @Willthegrassbegreener

If he doesn’t want to have sex, you can’t make him. If his sex drive isn’t enough for you, you’ll have to finish things.

Is your DH open to working on this issue? Counselling or therapy?
Does he have anxiety in general or specific to having sex when the children are in the house?

Does your DH know how you feel? It's a lot to ask a partner to stop having sex, but if anxiety when the DCs are in the house is the genuine reason then therapy or counselling will help.

Do you think this is the actual reason, because if someone wanted a good excuse not to have sex, this would be it, given the DCs live with you and your don't have other childcare!

@Noshadelamp I'm not sure. When we've had troubles in the past, he's not been open to therapy but we've worked on things together. I've always been very sympathetic snd understanding and because I love him, I've put his needs first. It is something I need to broach with him again.

I do believe him and think it's definitely part of the reason. He's always been somebody where the conditions have to be right for him to have sex, so definitely think there are wider issues there.

He knows I'm not happy but he doesn't know the full extent. I know I need to do this but to be honest I'm scared. I sometimes wish I could take a pill to turn my libido off, rather than destroy my children's life all because of my selfish needs.

How old are you? I was wondering if you were having a real surge as peri menopause starts which is making this even more challenging for you.

Your needs aren't selfish, they are human.
It really seems like your best next step is to talk to your DH and see if there's any hope of change eg if he's prepared to go to couples therapy or if he is willing to slowly work on intimacy with you.
Is there any chance you can both take time off work together to see if you can rekindle things during the day (if the DCs are in school)?

@Sweetpeas123 I completely agree about communication and agree before I make any decisions that I have to talk to him more. I've suggested a lock but he's said he still doesn't want to when the kids are in the house. I think deep down he's just not that fussed by it.

As @zaicandy said, I can't force him. Even though I'm always the initiator, I've never forced anything and never would. Doesn't mean that the rejection doesn't hurt though.

I really feel for you. Your needs are not selfish.

@RandomMess yes, I'm early 40s so definitely peri. I'm worried if I leave and find someone that matches me now, then what happens if it swings the other way and I go off it completely. Maybe I'll regret it.

It’s true, though. Women tend to be told to find good sex elsewhere; men tend to be told there’s more to marriage than sex.

@MemorableTrenchcoat That may be true (though not really my experience here.) At the end of the day, though, advice is just advice and we're all free to choose our own actions. Freedom is scary.

I real do think your peri surge is making this worse. I wonder what the statistics are for sex drive pretty much disappearing 5 years or so later. It seems to be more common than not.

The reaction would be similar and not outrage. In the sexless marriage thread there are plenty of men and they get plenty of compassion. This is a horrible mean invalidating comment. OP is not saying the sex isn't right she is saying there is NO sex or intimacy at all. Unless you've lived through it which I have, don't tell her what to do. OP-I feel your pain. There are no easy solutions. In my experience 'spicing things up' was a humiliating waste of time. Try reading Come As You Are, it might help you understand why he is the way he is

Absolutely! When people really want something they make it happen

Then talk and ask him to go to see dr for a testosterone blood test. For the sake of your marriage. Or is it that he has other worries. Connection problems or he’s not in love with you. Intimacy is important and he has to be willing to try. Don’t be stuck in a loveless marriage.

This is not the thread to be playing dumb, you know very well what she means

There are a few options here.

The first is to do nothing and let the marriage be. You could speak to him but as nothing has really changed then it’s unlikely to in future. Put leaving on the back burner and then review in say 5 years. Develop your indépendant life as much as possible in the interim- your own hobbies, your own friends etc so if you leave when the kids are older you’re more set up for independence.

You could discuss an open relationship with him. Just say you want to stay together but you have needs that he is not meeting. Can you have no strings sex with others, how would he feel. He might be relieved and say yes- takes pressure off him. He could say no and be shocked into taking action.

You could just call it quits now before things get really nasty with a view to meeting someone new.

You could have an affair. Not ethical but practically speaking this is what lots of people would do in reality. I don’t recommend this path.

The pleasant thread police have arrived!

It's a horrible situation to be in, I really feel for you. I don't think the current situation is sustainable in the long term - your resentment and feelings of life passing you by will strengthen over time, and yiu can't really wait it out as your h will be just as uncomfortable having sex with teenagers in the house as he is with kids now.

I think this means two options for you - end the marriage amicably now before you really start to resent him, or meet your needs elsewhere.

Given you have a good relationship in other aspects (although is this genuinely true? It's often the case that sex problems aren't just about sex, but also about other issues like bad communication, childhood issues, attachment style incompatibility and so on) and your children aren't exposed to open dysfunctionality in the relationship, I think there is a moral argument for you to have discreet affairs rather than breaking up your family and the risk of negative outcomes for the children that this brings

^^ This is appalling advice

these kind of conversations are difficult at the best of times- but to open with such an attack is just chucking a grenade into your marriage

you want a non threatening open conversation outside of the bedroom, begin by trying to find out how he feels about your ( joint) set life and go from there