How to fix my marriage - think it's doomed

[Willthegrassbegreener]

Ive been with my husband for nearly 15 years. Sex has always been the weakest part of our relationship. I think I sacrificed my needs to settle for a nice kind man, that I thought would be a good dad. In hindsight this was pretty foolish of me, especially considering the relationship before this had so much chemistry so I know how good it can be. I'd always hoped given time that we could make it work but he's just not wired that way.

Since having children together it is the worst it has ever been. It doesn't help that our youngest child sleeps badly and sometimes ends up in our bed. I've tried to address the lack of intimacy with him but he has told me he does not feel comfortable having sex when the kids are in the house, at all.

I'm really struggling with this and can't see how we can improve our sex life. I don't feel ready to break up our family but I don't know how I can continue without some kind of intimacy. It doesn't help that we have no childcare, other than school. So its not like we can easily go out on dates or romantic weekends away as that is just not our reality.

What have other people done in my situation? I can't stop crying about it all as I never wanted to end my marriage but I'm struggling to see a way forward when things are so mismatched.

OP

What happened to him?. Something is driving this and this likely all started in his childhood or adolescence. I am wondering what his parents attitude to sex was because if he was led by them to believe sex was dirty and not to be done before or outside of marriage etc this would have created issues. Were they to your knowledge very religious people?. He has huge issues around intimacy and perhaps his own sexuality but those are something you also need to be aware of. He needs to tell you. There could be physical issues behind all this (low testosterone levels which can be tested for)but certainly emotional ones.

He is not telling you exactly WHY it is he feels unable to have sex when your children are in the house. Perhaps he cannot because he feels you are going to be angry and or upset at him but that is no justification or excuse for the very little in terms of explanation he provides. You are trying to be honest with him and I would hope he could be just as honest with you in return.

Does he not want to have sex full stop or does he not want to have sex with you?.

This really resonated too @Willthegrassbegreener I had a lot of confidence when I met him and naively thought his issues were lack of confidence that would improve over time. I

That was me. I really thought that because I was quite ahem experienced, open, confident sexually and had had those kinds of relationships in the past that all it would take was for me to keep going like that. This makes me sound like a twat but men would find me sexy and I got a lot of validation from that (which I cringe to say now but I did at the time), I was kind of used to men being really delighted and blown away by how much I enjoyed sex, how keen I was to please in that way! It was a proper slap in the face to be with someone who was like ‘err no thanks actually’.

And like you I thought hed get more confident, lose the awkwardness, get more like me. What’s actually happened is that I’ve got more like him - I feel awkward and embarrassed now in a way I didn’t before.

Well I did. I’m pretty direct now. More likely to be me saying ‘ no thanks, I dont particularly enjoy that anymore, I’d rather not bother unless we’re going to work on xyz’. This is a recent development honestly so no idea if it will be a good or bad step, but it’s where we are!

I agree. It’s extremely difficult to have these conversations but it is having an impact on you and your body, someone has to step up and try to save the marriage. Your husband doesn’t want to or is embarrassed to tackle it but it has to be done or you really are doomed as you say.

what will happen is that you will meet someone at work, or somewhere, who does fancy you, and will want you and you will do it out of desperation. That would be a huge mistake and would make you into something you are not. You are not a villain. You are just lonely and your husband is sticking his head in the sand and ignoring this issue.

Don't let it happen to you.

Your husband is 90% ideal for you. But that other 10% is not there, and it’s very important.

If that other man comes along with the 10% and nothing else, you will think he is 100% what you are looking for, but he is not.

Your husband sounds like a good man, your marriage is worth fighting for. Go to a mediator or therapist together, don’t leave it anymore. Get some childcare, even if it for one hour or just for emergencies, everyone needs some form or childcare available.

No grandparents can do it here either due to very old age and I’m extremely cautious who I leave my children with (nobody!!) but I advertised in the paper and vetted them all, I got a lovely older lady who will help me if I need her and she has done this for 12 years for me. I trust her completely.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I definitely think his issues are emotional rather than physical. That's why in the past, I've never pushed him to see the GP because I'm convinced it's not a physical issue. I've never been able to get to the bottom of why he's like this though, although I completely agree that there must be a reason.

I'm going to try and suggest counselling again as maybe that will help him be able to talk about sex. Although, he just finds everything to do with sex awkward, even if it's just talking.

His parents weren't religious so it's not that. I think he just doesn't want to have sex, full stop. I just think that's the way he's wired.

I could have written this post except we have been married nearly 30 years now…I’d say intimacy dwindled to a handful of times a year 20 years ago and completely stopped around 8 years ago. Unless you have been through this is is hard to articulate how soul destroying it is. You feel like the ugliest person alive even though I keep myself slim and know I am attractive. I’ve told no-one. I’m so embarrassed about it. It’s the lack of any physical contact at all that is the hardest. I think “the children are in the house” is an excuse. Would it be any different if just the two of you had a night away? I’ve pleaded, cried and threatened affairs to try change things. Nothing changes and I always come up against a brick wall. My husband is a really good man in every other way and I feel I’ve left it too late to leave now.

@namemeagain Honestly, everything you've said I could say the same about me. You don't sound like a twat at all - that's how it was for me too. It used to be so easy to turn men on. I was told so many times how good I was at something, which boosted my confidence no end. Then when I tried the same with my husband, he told me he didn't like it. So we never did it again. I still find that hard to get my head around and I miss it, more than I thought I would.

I've also become more awkward. I've definitely lost my confidence. I find it hard to instigate things now as I don't know what the end result will be.

Thank you for being so honest- it's made me really think about my situation. I really admire your conviction to stay, I wish I felt the same but I'm starting to think even if I do, it won't be forever. I'm not going to do anything rash but I need to do something.

@ThisLife1996 this is heartbreaking to read. This is what scares me if I stay for the sake of the children.

I completely understand how hard it is to talk to people in real life. We are so conditioned to believe that men want sex alm the time and it's hard to admit when they don't.

I really believe with men like this it's nothing to do with looks. I'm just a normal average woman in the looks department but I've never had this trouble before. As you say, maybe it is just a convenient excuse for my husband. I think I'll never know the truth but reading your post has seriously made me think to the future.

You’re not being unreasonable—your needs matter too. So many women are raised to prioritise being chosen, being “safe,” or keeping the family together over their own fulfilment. But long-term intimacy can’t survive if one partner is constantly self-sacrificing.
This isn’t just about sex—it’s about connection, equality, and being seen. If you’ve raised it and he’s unwilling to meet you halfway or even try to find solutions, that’s not a partnership—it’s emotional isolation.
You don’t need a dramatic breakup overnight, but you do deserve to stop crying yourself to sleep over something this fundamental. A therapist (solo or couple) might help clarify whether there’s still something to rebuild—or whether it’s time to choose yourself after years of choosing everyone else first.

No advice here op, just some sympathy at your predicament. It is really damaging to your self esteem and well being when you just know he is not really into it. As a woman you always know. I know women who feel they are dirty and disgusting. I hope you can move forward.

Thank you for your comments. Actually I have been in your position albeit some years ago now. Perhaps you'd be kind enough to explain where I have been rude?