Is this financial abuse?

[wellwellwell39]

Looking for some perspective and hoping to show this to my fiance.

He earns over 80k working full time and long hours, he works away mon-friday, back home every weekend. Take home pay is around 3,100 or thereabouts. He works incredibly hard for this.

I work 3 days a week in a decent job but it's not well paid, take home pay is about 1200 every month.
I get child maintenance from exp, was 300 a month but now it's going to be slashed to about 150.
Child benefit comes to me every week on top of that.

When we met, we were both 31 and both had one child each. We got engaged a year after meeting and made the choice to have a 3rd child between us before getting married. We had hoped to be married a while ago but life with 3 kids has gotten in the way and has gone to the bottom of the priority list sadly.

When we met, I rented, OH owned his home. I had no debt, OH had a huge amount (mostly due to his divorce and ongoing court proceedings as his exp was trying to stop contact with his DC 🙄) but he has no debt now.

9 years later, blended family is for the most part pretty good. All 3 kids adore each other and get on very well and love being together.

His exp is no longer an issue but my exp is always causing issues with child maintenance amongst other things so that does being a decent amount of stress into the relationship, but so does finances.

I will be the first to admit that due to not having any financial awareness when growing up, not having any adults to talk to about finances and discuss these type of issues as a young person leaving home, and not having any decent role models full stop, I am not particularly money savvy. In the past I have also been a very impulsive shopper and if I felt I needed it, I would buy, then would worry about it later. Now at almost 40 I of course regret that as I have zero savings and about 10k of credit card debt, I'm completely ashamed actually and beat myself up a lot about this, however a lot of this was accrued from needing to put diesel in car, buy birthday or Xmas gifts for the kids or buy food as money was so short on more than a few occasions.

OH puts in 1300 to the joint account. I put in around 800. With my bills including phone, debt repayments, DC's clubs (I pay some and OH pays some) then I'm usually left with around £100 -150 disposable income.

Over the years I've felt very frustrated about this set up. I believe it makes much more sense to pool all income, pay off bills and with whatever is left that covers kids clubs, savings then we both decide how much disposable income we want to take from what's left over. OH has always been dead set against this.

We're lucky to have a lovely 4bed detached (which I of course couldn't afford on my wage alone) but as OH's career has taken off especially in the last 5 years, I'm becoming pretty resentful as I can't work full time. There is no after school care provision in my area thanks to covid and grandparents can't help much.

OH is very careful with his money and always has been, something I admire and wish I had been able to be over the years . He sees me getting into debt as my own fault and not his issue. He often says, it's not my fault you chose this career, I shouldn't have to suffer because of your choices. I can see why he wants to ring fence his money, his eldest DC will need support with buying a home probably in around 10-15 years time or so, this is very important to him and I appreciate that. But he now says I need to put more in to the pot, I've explained I can't, he replies work full time then, which is easier said than done.

His outgoings are no where near as significant as mine, although he pays about 200 in CM and pays for his own food when away mon-fri and had his own bills too, and to be fair he does all the DIY I the house and pays for all of this. Eg. Any issues with the car he pays for it, re-tiled the bathroom and put a new shower in, he paid for it. Lots of things like this which I would struggle to contribute to, but he does say to me ' look at everything I do for this family, I pay for x,y,z'

So again I'm made to feel bad because I cant/don't contribute to these things.

The latest is he's saying the amount I contribute doesn't even cover myself, let alone my DC and I need to put in more because he's paying 'twice'. He believes he pays for his child when at her mum's, as well as my child, also believes he pays 'twice' for food as the money he puts into the joint account goes towards food then he pays for his own midweek.

What's got to me is that he's announced we now need to put diesel in the car from our own disposable income. We've always paid for that through the joint account but as my job now involves me driving when at work (and I claim mileage which is minimal and this is paid to me) he announced he will not be paying for 'my employers name' too! And he's fed up paying for EVERYTHING

I get where he is coming from so I'm happy to put the difference into the joint account going forward but this leaves me with even less disposable income.

I very much live pay check to pay check, I have a lot of nieces and nephews who have birthdays etc through the year and although it's a modest amount of spend, things like this plus kids friends parties etc all add up and often I'm in my overdraft.

It all feels very much like we're flatmates at times, and a bit like him vs me instead of a solid family unit doing life and hard things together.

I think he resents me as he sees me being at home 2x days a week but it's hard work keeping a family of 5 going all the time and my days off are absolutely not days off. Thanks for getting this far, please let me know your thoughts 🙏

Become a childminder? Sounds like there’s a need for it where you live. Tell your husband you need to split the care of your child 50/50. 84 hours per week each. If he needs you to care for the joint child in his hours then it’s £10 an hour for your services!

Honestly though - there’s a big problem for it to be where it is right now because you aren’t a team. He’s against you. Where does he propose the children are when you work?

How old is his older child? How often does he care for that child? How old is your older child? Do they need childcare too?

I will try to answer all questions properly very shortly but my DC is 14 so pretty independent and his DC is 12 who we see every other weekend and half of all holidays

It's not his marital home we live in, he sold that on divorce and we moved in together, stayed there for a few years and moved into a bigger house as the previous one was too small for 5 people

OH does have a company car so I wonder if that is what makes the difference to his 80+ k being less in take home. He did keep quiet about an increase in wages which I only found out about as we were re-morgatging. He palmed this off as not a big deal however I disagreed and felt it had ruined a lot of the trust in our relationship.

Isn't a company car paid for by the company, including fuel for commuting to work and maintenance? I have a feeling that the lying on his income and his financial abuse is only the tip of the iceberg (addictions, habits, 2nd family, ...) as why would you lie about having so much money rather than revel in it and enjoy it with your family?

Just had a chat with OH about finances which ended as it always does, him storming off and saying it's about time I started earning more as he will absolutely not be putting anymore than 1300 in per month as that's already over and above what he feels he should be putting in.

When I asked about child benefit he looked a bit shell shocked and stuttered a bit, then said he has salary sacrifice which amounts to 7.5% every month.
He said he may have to pay 50% back. I think he's lying to me.

The company car doesn't cost him anything as I asked and he confirmed that. He pays 200 to exp as an agreement between them both. This is not done through CMS.

After paying 1500 for joint expenses and child maintenance, he pays a Netflix subscription, amazon subscription and some food whilst away however the project is coming to a close next week and he will be living back home mon-fri based out of head office but it could be for a month only then he's away to the next project or it could be longer, he won't know until a week or so before his manager decides. So he'll be eating here each night.

That leaves him with well over 1k disposable income. He won't tell me what he does with this. Fair enough some might say, none of my business. But I feel like his flatmate and not am equal to him

He said pooling money is a 1950's thing to do, and that NO ONE does that anymore!

He will never budge on this and will always be secretive about money. Doesn't feel like a true partnership at all. But I should be grateful I'm sure some will say. I feel devastated in a way, doesn't feel right anymore. I think I'll make plans to leave to be honest, it all feels so horrible and secretive

I should add, he's always been really hard on my DC with regards to discipline, shouts at my DC but not his. Gives my DC a hard time about not having a tidy room then will tidy his DC's room for her. This has caused no end of arguments between us as he's unable to treat them all the same. I genuinely think he resents my DC so finances have often been the least of our problems

Those sums don't up, I see why you're in debt as you dont seem to have a grasp of the money in your household. He can't only be paying £200 maintenance on earnings over £80,000 for a start.

He has an informal agreement between him and his exp, she is happy to receive 200 a month and has never been to CMS regarding this. Is it right? No, as he can afford to pay more but this is how it is and has always been. He travels 2.5hrs to collect and another 2.5hrs when dropping off after weekend contact, perhaps she takes this into consideration and doesn't want to ask for more, I'm not sure but this is how it is

I'm my original post I admitted to overspending in the past, this has not been the case for some time now. I do not buy things unless it is essential for the kids or I desperately need something

This sounds like an utter mess.

It's not a partnership is it? You aren't a team and it doesn't sound like you have a loving relationship. I genuinely don't understand how you can live on such unequal income. It's ridiculous that you are considering not going on holiday with him as you can't afford to pay for yourself and your son. You shouldn't be in a situation where you have such a small disposable income while he has well over a grand a month.

You're sacrificing your career, your earnings potential and your pension, all the time supporting his ability to work and improve himself financially.

I can't offer any advice, if he won't discuss it there's not much you can do apart from couple's counselling, or just tell him enough is enough.

Horrible, unfair situation. You're basically working two jobs anyway with your paid job and the childcare.

He doesn't respect you or value your contribution to this relationship. He doesn't treat you or your child/ren fairly. He only cares about himself. You are starting to recognise that you are treated poorly and that he does not have your best interests at heart. I'd start to get your ducks in a row, get CMS involved and when you're no longer there he'll maybe come to realise the vast worth you brought to his life. However, never go back! Build a new life for you and your 2 lovely children. Best wishes xx ❤️

This alone should have had you out the door years ago.

How long has it been £1300 contribution as utilities and food have risen massively in recent years.

He’s really horrible.

You can’t work more because you are looking after his children so he can go away and earn ££££ to line his pocket and pension.

Or her husband needs a new job? One that allows for 50/50 childcare during the working week.

Did you look at the benifits calculator and CM calculator ( i calculated it as £600 pcm)? plus £170 every 4 weeks child benifit.

I would end the relationship. He treats your child less than. He's unfairly harsh to him. I wouldn't allow him to victimise the child. It's terrible for their MH.

The financial abuse is disgusting but how he treats your child is despicable.

OHHHH he is 100% lying through his teeth.

Men are all the same - try to cover their lying by shouting and raging.

I am a 50:50 household (we earn about the same) and while I think it’s complicated that you're not working full time with a 5, 12 and 14 year old (who stay with exp part-time) he is WIERD with finances and this completely overshadows if you should work more. I’m not sure if it’s financial abuse as he’s not trapping you or taking your money (perhaps this is a new one?) but it’s not a normal or healthy relationship!!!

Imagine you DID work more and as a result don’t live month to month - what IS he still going to be doing with the extra £1000?? (Which we think and have advised you is likely a lot more!!!) You’re not likely to get a role earning the same £80K so he can’t hold that over you, but ALL the money should be pooled as a couple? Maybe you should be paying your own debts off and he shouldn’t, but again WHERE IS ALL THE MONEY ??

My husband and I would never ever do this. We don’t have debt and we treat ourselves individually at times but also treat eachother and I’d NEVER watch him struggle while squirrelling away…. What is he plotting…?? Don’t trust him.

When I couldn't get paid work because of lack of childcare, I did a short course and became a full time registered childminder.
I picked my hours, the schools I covered and the holidays I took.
It paid my living for 7 years. I was never unemployed. Self assesment for tax(easy) Loads of support from the NMCA.
Perhaps you could look into that @wellwellwell39 ?

It seems obvious he’s paying a massive chunk in his pension to avoid paying properly for any of his children, and lying to you.

You have a choice. Stay and be his victim or leave and start living with clarity on your own terms.

He is emotionally and financially abusive.

OP for reference I take home about £3800
and put about £3000 into our joint account and save the rest for our joint holidays! He’s not putting enough in and it’s not fair on you.

Are you actually being serious??

And yet you’ve stayed with him? Your poor kid. You share a bed with a man, who isn’t their father, who you know shouts at them and resents them? Good grief.

If he thinks people pooling money is like the 1950s then he should be doing 50% of the housework and 50% of the child care. Equal pooling, equal division of labour. He can't expect you to act like a 1950s housewife but contribute equally aswell.

Who looks after the children in school holidays if there is no after school provision?

My sister who lives 45 mins away can take the youngest once a week and I take hers once a week in my day off so we can support each other. My neighbour does the same as her little one is my little one's best friend so we can take turns helping each other out. OH's mum can take DC once a week in the summer holidays and OH and I will split the holidays between us, and if there are any days where we can't get help he'll go into a summer camp, the older ones will be away at their other parents homes at least 3 weeks out of the summer so it's mostly the youngest we have to juggle around

OH has now changed his mind, he knows I'm desperately unhappy and has told me not to worry about finances as everything will be OK and will start to get better. He's decided to up the £ he puts in by 200 extra a month. But I can't get over this secrecy over money and what he's doing with it all. He claimed yesterday that because he's always fixing everything he only ends up with around 300 disposable a month which is a blatant lie. 1.5k is a lot and we never eat out or do anything as a couple. He doesn't go out at the weekends and splurge mind you but he's obviously hiding it all away and won't talk about it whi h I just find so sad. I wouldn't care what he does with it but it's the secrecy I can't stand

So if you worked full time, as he wants, you will have problems covering the holidays as the reciprocal arrangements you have put in place won't work. He obviously hasn't thought about this.

You need to start getting him to buy stuff for his DC, no more you getting it all. He’s got 5+ years of funding the youngest solo like you have.

Please get your ducks in a row so you can leave when/if you want to. Clearly him have a secret stash of money is more important than you or the DC. You also need to stand up for your DC and tell him the inequitable standard stops now.