Is this financial abuse?

[wellwellwell39]

Looking for some perspective and hoping to show this to my fiance.

He earns over 80k working full time and long hours, he works away mon-friday, back home every weekend. Take home pay is around 3,100 or thereabouts. He works incredibly hard for this.

I work 3 days a week in a decent job but it's not well paid, take home pay is about 1200 every month.
I get child maintenance from exp, was 300 a month but now it's going to be slashed to about 150.
Child benefit comes to me every week on top of that.

When we met, we were both 31 and both had one child each. We got engaged a year after meeting and made the choice to have a 3rd child between us before getting married. We had hoped to be married a while ago but life with 3 kids has gotten in the way and has gone to the bottom of the priority list sadly.

When we met, I rented, OH owned his home. I had no debt, OH had a huge amount (mostly due to his divorce and ongoing court proceedings as his exp was trying to stop contact with his DC 🙄) but he has no debt now.

9 years later, blended family is for the most part pretty good. All 3 kids adore each other and get on very well and love being together.

His exp is no longer an issue but my exp is always causing issues with child maintenance amongst other things so that does being a decent amount of stress into the relationship, but so does finances.

I will be the first to admit that due to not having any financial awareness when growing up, not having any adults to talk to about finances and discuss these type of issues as a young person leaving home, and not having any decent role models full stop, I am not particularly money savvy. In the past I have also been a very impulsive shopper and if I felt I needed it, I would buy, then would worry about it later. Now at almost 40 I of course regret that as I have zero savings and about 10k of credit card debt, I'm completely ashamed actually and beat myself up a lot about this, however a lot of this was accrued from needing to put diesel in car, buy birthday or Xmas gifts for the kids or buy food as money was so short on more than a few occasions.

OH puts in 1300 to the joint account. I put in around 800. With my bills including phone, debt repayments, DC's clubs (I pay some and OH pays some) then I'm usually left with around £100 -150 disposable income.

Over the years I've felt very frustrated about this set up. I believe it makes much more sense to pool all income, pay off bills and with whatever is left that covers kids clubs, savings then we both decide how much disposable income we want to take from what's left over. OH has always been dead set against this.

We're lucky to have a lovely 4bed detached (which I of course couldn't afford on my wage alone) but as OH's career has taken off especially in the last 5 years, I'm becoming pretty resentful as I can't work full time. There is no after school care provision in my area thanks to covid and grandparents can't help much.

OH is very careful with his money and always has been, something I admire and wish I had been able to be over the years . He sees me getting into debt as my own fault and not his issue. He often says, it's not my fault you chose this career, I shouldn't have to suffer because of your choices. I can see why he wants to ring fence his money, his eldest DC will need support with buying a home probably in around 10-15 years time or so, this is very important to him and I appreciate that. But he now says I need to put more in to the pot, I've explained I can't, he replies work full time then, which is easier said than done.

His outgoings are no where near as significant as mine, although he pays about 200 in CM and pays for his own food when away mon-fri and had his own bills too, and to be fair he does all the DIY I the house and pays for all of this. Eg. Any issues with the car he pays for it, re-tiled the bathroom and put a new shower in, he paid for it. Lots of things like this which I would struggle to contribute to, but he does say to me ' look at everything I do for this family, I pay for x,y,z'

So again I'm made to feel bad because I cant/don't contribute to these things.

The latest is he's saying the amount I contribute doesn't even cover myself, let alone my DC and I need to put in more because he's paying 'twice'. He believes he pays for his child when at her mum's, as well as my child, also believes he pays 'twice' for food as the money he puts into the joint account goes towards food then he pays for his own midweek.

What's got to me is that he's announced we now need to put diesel in the car from our own disposable income. We've always paid for that through the joint account but as my job now involves me driving when at work (and I claim mileage which is minimal and this is paid to me) he announced he will not be paying for 'my employers name' too! And he's fed up paying for EVERYTHING

I get where he is coming from so I'm happy to put the difference into the joint account going forward but this leaves me with even less disposable income.

I very much live pay check to pay check, I have a lot of nieces and nephews who have birthdays etc through the year and although it's a modest amount of spend, things like this plus kids friends parties etc all add up and often I'm in my overdraft.

It all feels very much like we're flatmates at times, and a bit like him vs me instead of a solid family unit doing life and hard things together.

I think he resents me as he sees me being at home 2x days a week but it's hard work keeping a family of 5 going all the time and my days off are absolutely not days off. Thanks for getting this far, please let me know your thoughts 🙏

What an idiot.

Tell him that if he wants you to work more, he will have to source childcare and do 50% of drop-offs and pick-ups, plus 50% of taking dc to after-school clubs, 50% of cooking, housework and life admin.

Doesn’t he understand how life works?

This is exactly what OH believes too, although he hasn't said it in exactly this way. But I've had to work part time to raise our child whilst he is away working, otherwise I would still be working full time!

Yes that doesn’t make sense. Should be around 4600.

If all these children are now in school then you need to figure out together how you can work full time. He’s not unreasonable to not want to pay for everything, especially for a child that isn’t his, but there needs to be a real serious chat about how he see’s that working. He wants you to work full time- totally reasonable- so ask him which days pick up/drop off he’ll be doing to facilitate that.

I do think it’s hard in blended families to balance “fairness” with finances. It’s not as simple as a family where all kids are shared and everyone has the same priorities. He isn’t wrong to want to save his money to help his own child/ren, there does need to be a proper chat had here though about what this should look like.

Well it sounds to me like it’s your turn now to focus on your career, and let him juggle the childcare for the next few years.

You need to look for a serious role with the potential for growth, and it’s his turn to cover sick days, leave on time to collect from Creche, and all the other things that kill your chance to be taken seriously and considered for promotion at work.

You need to build up your pension, and savings now. You’ve lost years, not just of earnings, but of the increase in your salary that he has benefitted from. And you’ve lost the accumulation of interest in savings and investments. Add that up op, because it’s really not an insignificant amount.

Stop beating yourself up for crap money management - almost all of us are guilty of it to some extent. You can sort that out easily enough - there are loads of podcasts and you tube gurus that can set you straight.

But get realistic about this relationship - you’re not married, and you’re not on the same team. And if it’s going to work, you need to stop playing the traditional roles that were backed up by the legal protections of marriage and pressure of social mores to stay together. Start acting like an equal and taking your rightful share of the other resources in your life - energy, time, spousal support.

He's also able to put a lot of money into savings. How lovely to be able to do that, I'm happy for him, but will be suggesting thay he takes his eldest and youngest DC away for a holiday as I can't contribute much more than some spending money, and me and my DC can stay at home and be together.

It certainly feels at times like there is not much point in being together, I don't feel like we are a true family but that's just my thoughts/perspective on the matter.

Thanks for all the replies so far, much appreciated and it's to good to see other people's perspectives

if he’s only bringing that home he is contributing massively to his pension which I bet he think is I’ll be solely his. You are just not set up as a family are you?

She doesn’t need to do anything of the sort. What a patronising load of crap. She does the bulk of childcare and household chores so ‘more ‘ than contributes.

If he's on £80k how are you qualifying for child benefit? I thought from £60k it started reducing and by the time you're on £80k it's down to nothing?

If he's only taking home £3.1k on an £80k salary and you still qualify for child benefit I wonder if he's using salary sacrifice to put loads in his pension?

All that aside, I wouldn't tolerate this situation. He couldn't afford to work away mon-fri and earn £80k if he didn't have you to pick up all the childcare for free.

He doesn't value you or your contribution to the household. That's not how a family works.

You do better. You must not have a clue what a real partnership is like

The rules re child benefit changed or so I thought, yes they announced that 60k + meant no longer eligible however OH told me they then reversed that decision. I hope that's correct and I've not been lied to

His job will always involve working away sadly so I do feel trapped with this situation

Has he been salary sacrificing for a long time to avoid paying much child maintenance to mother of his first child? Wouldn’t be surprised at all.

I suspect he's doing that to get out of paying more CM too.

I earn £75k and take home about £4,200 a month after 5% pension contribution.

I'm based in Scotland.

So your partner is not being entirely honest with you about something or other.

No £60k is the threshold where the High Income Child Benefit Charge starts to apply.

You should still claim but opt out of receiving payments. This is very important as will protect your state pension by providing you with national insurance credits until your youngest child is 12.

www.gov.uk/child-benefit-tax-charge

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/high-income-child-benefit/

Hit send to soon - you need to find out if he is salary sacrificing a large amount into his pension to bring his earnings under the threshold. Or you could be falsely claiming child benefit.

This is exactly right! You’re supposed to love each other and be a team, not live like flat mates. I see this so often on here.

This is very interesting, he's never mentioned anything about salary sacrifice or pension input but we don't have much time together tbh as when he's home and all 3 kids are with us it's very busy. I will need to sit down with him ASAP and ask to see this in more detail, I'm an open book and don't mind having difficult conversations whereas he has always struggled with this, not even just finances....he doesn't like talking in depth full stop about anything and it drives me crazy.

If he's been lying to me about his income I'd say that is not a relationship I want to be part of and this would have to be over

I wouldn't expect my hubby to pay more than me and yours is way paying more than you other than the money he transfers he is also paying for house repairs car repair and the long list you provided tbh he is extremely generous so get a full-time job and do something about it

The pay back taper starts at £60k and ends at £80k.

Plus it would be her partner that had to pay the tax, not her.

So she should claim it regardless of her Partner's income as it will at least give her the £21 a week or whatever in her pocket.

How old is you’re child?

I think you need to set up your career/job game… in the politest sense your not married and therefore not financially secure.

i would look to reduce your contribution to half this amount. It’s because you work only 3 days a week and earn a 3rd he does.

Also have you looked at increasing your hours? Is that something you can do?

Use money expert website or go to citizen advice to get some financial help. There are other charities that can help too such as Christian against poverty. Knowledge is power.

From my experience don’t true a man to help you with finances… you have to do it alone! Even if you are married.

Very valid point @Tallyrand

Momentarily forgot in my confusion around his nonsensical finances that he's not sharing his money properly with the family.

In a normal situation where both spouses share their money it makes no sense to claim the money and then pay the tax. But in OPs situation I think you are right and she should just let him pay the tax charge and keep her small amount it gives her seeing as she "apparently doesn't contribute enough" 🙄 (cannot roll my eyes enough at his position on this).

I’m not sure it’s financial abuse but it’s certainly not teamwork.

It sounds like you’ve been a bit irresponsible racking up credit card debt. You can stop doing that and draw a line under it - and it’s connected to the next point.

You don’t have as much money as you could, because you can’t work full time as you’re facilitating him working away all week.

Show him what you could earn in a job that’s 40 hours a week that means you can’t do school runs. Show him what wrap around childcare for your joint child would cost. Show him what it would cost to outsource the rest of the cleaning etc that falls to you. Say you’re quite happy to go to work full
time if he will split these costs proportional to your incomes.

That said, it’s depressing that you’d have to do this. He clearly doesn’t value your contribution and is selfish.

I earn more than double what my DP earns. We pool our income, pay the bills, take the same amount of personal spends, and the rest goes in the joint account/joint savings. That means we both have (made up numbers) £500 of our own money each month, £1k in the joint account, £200 goes in a holiday fund, and the mortgage etc is paid. I feel this setup is fair for a family with kids, even though my take home is a lot more than DP’s. I’d hate to see him struggle while I had loads of disposable cash.

Ask him to send you a picture of a wage slip then use Listen To Taxman website which will give you the gross and take home pay (you can set it to Scotland) to see exactly what is going on.

I'd also go one step further and ask to see his Credit Karma file (it's completely free to sign up and no charges to see your credit file).

He would have to be salary sacrificing nearly 30% of his wages to be on £80k a year.and £3,100 net a month. Which sorry but I struggle to believe is the truth.

I also doubt he'd be salary sacrificing to avoid CMS payments as it sounds like his kids are with you two full time. Plus CMS would reduce his payment according to the amount of kids in the house even if they aren't his.

I'll be honest OP, this sounds like he's either got a drug or gambling addiction or something. He sounds debt averse so I'm ruling that out.

You should prepare yourself for a big whopper coming out of this.

That’s not exactly the case if he has childcare for free and makes her not being able to work full time. Fair would be to paid up the difference for her sacrifice. Or pay half for cost of drop offs/pick ups/ after school time.

it should be valued as work if people want to share cost so equally and not as family. Especially that they have child together which is the youngest so requiring the most sacrifices which he doesn’t have to face. How is it fair?