I don't know how much longer I can parent my young adult DD

[intheshallow]

My DD is 18. I want to preface my post by saying that I love her. I want the best for her. She's talented and smart and funny. She's aspirational and interested in the world.

Life with my DD is unbearable most days. She's always been somewhat tricky , has control issues I would say, doesn't always connect well with other young people but does have a few close friends. She is a glass half empty sort of kid and while It's been hard at times , we stayed close and muddled through.

Fast forward to now and she's been studying hard A levels for the last two years. She has crashed and burned so badly that I do not recognise her.
She cannot tolerate even the smallest of requests from me , and I mean tiny ones like 'pick up your cup off the floor'. She is verbally abusive, says dreadful things about the kind of parent I am, and quotes long diatribes about being a toxic parent / she's going to go no contact when she's financially independent/hopes I rot in loneliness when I'm older.

It's just the two of us. Has been for a long time. She does see her Dad occasionally but he's a let-down on all fronts. She runs when he calls though, and I know that deep down so many of her issues are connected to him. Some days my life feels unbearable because for the last 2 years, I can't recall a single act of kindness that she has extended to me. She snarls when I speak, has taken to physically pushing me out of her way if I try to insist on a conversation, tells me to piss off/get out/ etc. my DD lives in squalor in her bedroom, I'm ashamed to say that it's so bad that it smells the entire upstairs. I tell her not to eat up there but she pushes past me and puts her headphones on to block me out. She is clean in herself but sometimes wears dirty clothes because she won't put them in the laundry basket but also won't let me in her room to take them out. She hardly leaves the house so entering her room anyway is not as easy as you'd think. She will physically push me out if I enter. Many, many times I've resorted to telling her that I cannot have her live here and act like this and she just snarls and says she won't be going anywhere.

My DD only interacts me to ask for lifts money or something else. She is escalating every week. There isn't a shred of her former kind self I can connect with , no matter how hard I try. I dream of selling my house and moving to a one bed flat that she can't come to. Believe me when I say that I feel like the mother she says I am, when I think this way.

I've tried to get her counselling. She won't go. She isn't going to university either. She does say she will get a job soon so that's something. I feel desperate most days

I am so sorry for your situation, it sounds like a nightmare, but I don’t see that recommending “stop parenting” as a solution to the OP will help her other than to lead her into a similar situation than you are currently in which is clearly unsustainable in the long term for both you and your son.

Spot on

Your DD treats you like shit because you let her, simple as that.

She may be autistic, but so what? this does not excuse her abusive behaviour towards her mother. However, it appears her mother has been weak and allowed her to talk badly to her.

As her mother, you need to support her in getting help or...issue an ultimatum.

If you want any type of relationship with your DD in the future, you need her to respect you and currently, she doesn't.

Please don't listen to utter shit statements like that.
My youngest was a horrible nightmare, I get palpitations at the memory of him😂 Now he has, at 24 , matured immensely.
I was far from a weak parent, he was just a dick.
You feel a failure as it is, overwhelmed with guilt, right?
She may well be autistic/adhd, that doesn't help you right now, does it?
Time for some tough love I'm afraid.
Can she move into dads for a bit, to help her understand how great you are?
As a poster above wrote, reach out to the many charities that could offer you some support.
You will get there op
🫂 💐 xx

Write to her. Explain you love her but feel like she doesn’t treat you well and you are unhappy with the situation. You’d like to have a better relationship - is it something she feels you could work on together?

Id also tell her that from September if she wishes to keep renting the room as she is now that the board will be £100 a week.

She’s absolutely awful OP. It’s very straightforward you tell her to shape up , respect you and your house or throw her out . She’s never going to be accepted in a workplace like that so better she learns a hard lesson now .

If I may so say myself I think my post up thread may.be worth highlighting to the op which I will
My DS1 was removed and accommodated by the council at 16 because of repeated physical abuse to his younger brothers
It was a case of him staying and the others going or reverse
You MUST contact SS and your GP to get the ball rolling, until you do no nothing will change
@intheshallow

Tell her not to wait to go no contact. Today sounds like a good day, if she is financially secure is not your problem.

@uncomfortablydumb60

What happened to your DS1? Did things work out for him in the end?

I recognise some of this and just came to say give yourself a break because it’s not your fault and it sounds like you’re doing everything you can. I get it that sitting down for a chat is off the cards, but would your DD respond at all to messaging back and forth? Maybe less pressure. She sounds like she’s desperate for autonomy / independence but right now lacking in the skills.

You need to plan how you're going to act the next time, and dont meet her with fire when she comes crawling back...otherwise you're just continuing the cycle.

That's a theme in my parenting....not meaning what I say. Speaking in the heat of the moment . Empty threats. Issuing absolutes I know I can't follow through.

I think your daughter has probably picked this up from you. That might be some good news. It's obviously not pleasant to be on the receiving end of it, and she has it dialled up to a teenage angst eleven - but it does sound like she could be subconsciously mirroring your behaviour.

It would make sense, if you're the main influence in her life and she's a bit emotionally delayed.
Which she might be. I'd guess she's going through the difficult 12 - 14 phase only now. If she put a high importance on exams, she might not have let herself relax enough to go through some of the normal milestones of teenage development. She never felt free enough to make mistakes and fail. This is actually not that uncommon for teens, especially these days. The constant documenting of everything on social media can have the same paralysing effect on them. They feel their mistakes are forever, not just a phase they can move past.

Anyway. Point is, this insight was helpful information, actually. As much as it must feel exposing to admit it. Knowing you do this makes it much more likely DD is mirroring you - that she also is making empty threats and saying things she doesn't mean. Speaking in the heat of the moment.

I wonder how she'd react if you approached her and framed the problem in this way? "DD - I'm saddened by the current state of our relationship. I know I have my flaws. I speak in the heat of the moment and say things I don't mean, and I can see you've inherited that from me. It's not good for either of us. I want us to be better to each other. I'd really like if we could work on that together." I'm not saying you have to give ground completely and take the blame for everything. That won't help. But DD might be more open to change if you frame it as something you're both doing together, and lead by example. Show her what it looks like to say "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that," when you make a mistake.

This might also help with DD's high expectations of you. Teenagers relate everything back to themselves. It can take a long time for them to understand their parents are people too.

It sounds like life is really tough but like many things in life this is probably a phase.

My eldest, now 22, is autistic - fortunately diagnosed very young. Parenting has had many challenges and a hell of a lot of self reflection and exhaustion.

One of the best and most direct bits of advice I received from a psychologist was if giving 100% of yourself isn't enough why not give 80% and take back control of 20% to focus on yourself and the rest of your family.

When you take more time to step away, its easier to deal with the day to day.

It sounds like there are an awful lot of little things that have escalated to feel overwhelming. No doubt from what you say, your daughter is also completely overwhelmed.

Trying to tackle all the issues at once would be a massive overload, if she is on the spectrum, and already showing signs of being overwhelmed.

So my thoughts would be start by writing down everything that isn't right with the situation. Then right down every aspiration you feel your daughter has expressed in the last few years.

What you no doubt want, like the rest of us trying to find our way through this life with no user guide, is for your daughter to grow up to be a strong independent adult. What she no doubt ultimately wants is to have control too - but if overwhelmed that concept maybe too big to cope with at present.

The next issue is to choose just one area that you'd like your daughter to work on for the household and one to move her forwards in life towards those aspirations.

This could be open windows to ventilate room for 30 minutes a day, only eat cold foods upstairs and take all dishes downstairs once every 24 hours. It is okay to express this is because you recognise she has a right to her space but she doesn't have a right for her actions to have a significant impact on the rest of the house - strong smells of stale cooked food have this impact so this is a respectful boundary and compromise.

The move forwards could be sit in the back garden and get 20 minutes of fresh air in the sunshine - building up to walking round the block or going to the local shop to buy x, y, z twice a week. I'm guessing your DD has a reasonable IQ because you mention A levels. You could link to Instagram able type articles on the benefits of taking daily short walks for mental health.

I find communication over whatsapp. Simple instructions and encouragement is less contentious than direct verbal. The first steps forwards need to enable her to have control, not be overwhelming, but also to express that the current situation doesn't work for either of you and your desire is for her life success. If she's feeling very overwhelmed even backed into a corner, she may not recognise that's your aim.

Sometimes baby steps, reopening communication backed by reassurance that you're there can produce results.

Sorry op, you may have already said this, do you rent your place? Only that if you were, could you say yo your daughter, "I'm not renewing the lease, you have until x date to get a job and have that freedom from me that you want". She may just need her space from you to realise what support you bring

Yes he's absolutely fine now
No one could understand where his anger came from despite input from Camhs SS ed psych
By 18 he was a different son. Extreme teen angst at a guess No SEN in fact he achieved well and is still living in the same flat is working Sees me regularly not not his brothers who remain guarded
They are also disgusted looking back now they are adults for the way he treated/ and still tries on occasions) me
He's now 31 DS2 27 DS3 24 who by contrast are very protective of me as I have CP and bipolar disorder.

It's probably all directed at you because you're the centre of her world. Others have suggested autism and that could be factor, but I think her main issue is a lack of confidence and a fear of the world around her. She's overwhelmed and afraid of everything, so she tries to control what she can. And when she can't, and the feelings get too much, she lashes out at the person she feels is supposed to protect her. Her mum.

You have to build up her resilience. It sounds like you've been a good mum, but you've fallen down in this area. You need to build up her confidence and coping skills. She's angry because right now, she's scared and overwhelmed by everything, and she's angry at you because you were supposed to give her the tools to cope with those feelings. In her mind, you've failed her. I know that's tough to hear. But you have time to fix it. She's still reliant on you, and mentally, she's not all grown up yet. You still have a window to parent her through this. You can do this

Some of the responses on here are just as awful as what the OP is describing.

Tough love with a person who is possibly suffering from autistic burn out and sounds very much like PDA will make things worse. I would explore if there is any neurodivergence or other conditions affecting her behaviour before knee jerk reactions likely to make things worse. Bear in mind things like PDA need a very very different approach and goes against all natural parenting it is important to explore what you are dealing with before taking drastic action.

Thank you, that's very interesting and proves there is hope in these situations. I'm glad it worked out well💐

Too far away from what? Has she actually finished sitting her A-levels this year? If so she doesnt need to be near you for school. You mentioned she is not planning uni so is she planning college for vocational qualification, apprenticeship or a job? Surely she can do those from her dads location too.

You do not need to ' parent ' your adult daughter.

What you can do is help her job hunt, and find her a room in a house share.
or a bedsit in a HMO.

She is 18, time to grow up.

if she loses said job then she can sign on for benefits and look for another job.

If it is only distance that is stopping her living with Dad then as she doesn't currently have a job she can find one where he lives the minute her A levels finish.

I’m so sorry you are going through this OP, you sound like a lovely mum. I’m also sorry your DD is having such a hard time, as whatever the cause or reason for her behavior she doesn’t sound happy (and that’s all we want as parents really).

Please make sure you replenish your mental reserves when you can and find time for little things that make you happy. It’s good to hear you’ve got friends and a social life.

For now I don’t think it matters whether ASD is a factor or not and you may never know unless your DD pursues this as an adult. But having read a lot about PDA and using parenting techniques for this profile, I can say that it does no harm to try this approach. It can help communication, reducing conflict and setting boundaries in extremely difficult situations like yours. Wishing you all the best.

I have two adult children.

I have absolutely NOT found this to be true.

She sounds awful. If my child was like that i'd tell them, at 18, now is the time for them to be financially independent and pack their bags for them.

Mollycoddling her -sorry - you are allowing her to continue with this despicable behaviour. you aren't doing her any favours or helping her in any way by allowing this.

What responses do you think you'd get if you said a partner was speaking to you/treating you like this.

This sounds like my dad’s behaviour. He is nearly 80 and probably autistic, but in all honesty that’s neither here nor there. He ruined my mums life and is just a horrible person. Autism isn’t a free pass to be nasty and abuse your poor family.

I think speak to your doctor about her behaviour. Is your GP, also her GP?