My future sister in law HATES me

[Senaraolive]

I am recently engaged to the man I’ve been with for 9 years, we have 3 kids together.
His older sister HATES me. If I’m completely honestly I have no idea why. So I guess maybe in writing this, I find out the answer? Idk
I just wish there wasn’t an issue, because I absolutely love my partner. But I don’t know if I can put up with her for much longer. And I don’t want to give him an ultimatum.

Basically she’s been funny with me since we got together (I was 15). She would barely speak to me and if she did speak to me it would be through my partner; for example “oh did you tell her about what happened?” And then he would say rather than her saying to me. It’s always been that way. I always mentioned it to my partner, but he wouldn’t always excuse it with “oh that’s just what she’s like”

Fast forward to when I found out I was pregnant with my first, she got jealous because her little boy wouldn’t be the youngest anymore. I also overheard her saying; how is she meant to compete with me and my posh baby, and calling me snobby. All this was over me saying I wanted to try using cloth nappies, as I was gifted them from another family member.
Then during this pregnancy; we bought our first house together. She didn’t help with the move, but decided to tag along to see the house (fair enough) but then let her 3 children ran all around the house going through our boxes and causing havoc while we were trying to unpack. One of them jumped onto our new sofa with muddy wet shoes so I said to my partners sister if she could ask them to get off or at least take their shoes off and she shrugged her shoulders and walked away. So I then said to her kids not to jump on our sofa and that I didn’t want shoes on if they were to go on it and she got annoyed at me for “parenting her kids”

A few years later, after 3 miscarriages, myself and my partner were still trying for our second baby and nothing was happening. Our families knew that we were struggling and it was difficult on us. She came over all happy and blurted out she was pregnant and I was heartbroken, I kept it together until she left and then broke down crying after. But I then found out I was pregnant a couple weeks later and myself and my partner were so excited to tell her that we were expecting 9 weeks apart. When we told her she was not happy, claiming it was her moment and that I was copying her. I was so hurt because we had been trying for another baby for over a year and had multiple losses, and SHE KNEW!
I shrugged it off, in hopes that we would maybe get close over having our babies at similar times, but once we had our babies she started trying to compete with me. Which really messed with my head. It made me want to compete too, but then I sat back and thought why the heck am I doing this? I don’t care. My babies are healthy and happy and that’s all that matters. But to this day she’s still trying to compete.

And fast forward to last autumn, I had an ectopic pregnancy that I had to have surgery for and that resulted in sepsis. It was the most traumatic time of my life. We had asked my partners mum to come over and help me with the kids after I was discharged from hospital. (All my family were on holiday and couldn’t come back yet and my partner had just received a promotion and couldn’t get the first 2 days of me being back home off but they agreed they would let him have the next week off after that to help). (Side note, I had to sign a hospital form to say I would have another adult with me at all times I case of emergency) So he asked his mum to come look after me and she came the first day, but 5 minutes before my partner was due to leave for work the second day, he got a call from his mum saying she wasn’t coming through because his sister said that when she had sepsis his mum didn’t look after her, so why should she come help me. That hurt.

He was so annoyed and I just had to get on with the day, I wasn’t meant to lift my kids or stand on my feet too much but I had to. Which then made my recovery harder. My partner managed to get out of work early because I was struggling so much, luckily he was then off for the next week to help me but we were both so hurt. His whole family fell out with us over this, his sister caused such a commotion and turned his mum against us and we didn’t speak to them for months.
My partner resolved things with them but to this day I never got any apologies. Just the words still repeating in my head “what’s the difference from losing this baby, to the others”

Now, as I was saying we recently got engaged, everyone was very the moon. But when my partner called his sister she replied with “aw that’s nice” and then blocked me on every social media. I am so hurt
I just don’t know what to do. I don’t think I can live like this, I’m walking on egg shells whenever she’s around
My partner is so annoyed at her too

And to top it all off before she blocked me she used her mum to ask me if she could use my travel cot for her holiday in two weeks!!!

That’s horrible, OP. I have some in-laws who have been hostile from the start. I’ve given up trying to win them over.

Sending you a hug. I know it’s very hurtful. I now see them as little as possible, and let their rude behaviour go over my head without caring.

If you live near them, is there any chance of moving farther away? Have you discussed the problem with DH?

What you give power to will control you.

Families will always be complicated, but you are in control of you and what you think and do, but not others.
So whatever she may think of you is out of your control, so let go of that as you are wasting time and good energy trying to figure it out.

Yes its hurtful, its really shitty when you experience hostility.

Yes she sounds awful and you need to disengage.
As an aside, are you 24?? You say you’ve been with your partner for 9 years and mention that you got together when you were 15. If so, you’re incredibly young to have gone through all this

They unfortunately do live very close to us, I have discussed several times about moving further away. But with my DH’s current job, and the fact he doesn’t drive, it would be harder for him to commute.

DH absolutely adores his family, and forgives them time after time. But my DS is beginning to see the tension and asks me about it.

I have also tried to discuss having an elopement rather than a wedding, and instead maybe having a little family gathering later on to avoid drama. But DH isn’t keen. I just know, somehow, SIL will make the day about her, or start an argument

@Senaraolive sometimes people just don't like us.

The important thing for you though is not to set yourself on fire to keep her warm.

You will never change her opinion of you but you can certainly change the way you react to her nonsense.

As @TheAvidWriter says don't give her the power to get inside your head and if your fiancé would like a wedding do not let her ruin that for him or yourself.

It is difficult though, understandably.

Hopefully you have a good supportive family.

eta; going very low contact with her could also help. Change your SM settings etc.

I can't stand my two sister in laws and their husbands. So I simply stopped engaging with them, didn't play their games and stepped back. It was the best thing I ever did. My mental health is better and so is my marriage.
You have the power here. Try to stop caring so much what she thinks, step back and simply don't engage with her. Let your husband get on with it and relax.

She sounds vile, I’m so sorry op. To say “what’s the difference from losing this baby, to the others” is beyond awful.

Unfortunately she will be your SIL for life so the only thing you can do is try to rise above it. Let her be a cow and don’t respond in kind. She will be the loser in the end when your husband tires of her behaviour.

I think the main thing for me would be that my partner felt the same way and at least understood where you were coming from which seems like he’s does!! It’s about your little family🥰 f**ck her x

I'm in a similar position, which all came to a head last March/April when MIL came out of hospital (long story).
I've just taken a big step back. DH still has some contact with his family, I just don't get involved. On the odd occasion I have to visit MIL I'm polite but don't say alot, especially if SIL is there
Sadly we can't change what people are

Basically start behaving like she doesn’t exist. What have you got to lose? She already hates you so it wouldn’t make much difference. When she is around don’t acknowledge her, don’t talk to her, don’t ask questions, don’t engage, don’t even look at her. If she asks you something, answer briefly without looking at her but never reciprocate it. If she says or asks something rudely, walk away without answering. Never call her on the phone, never share news with her. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Why is it so difficult to do this? This is how you handle these kind of people.

I agree with op, you got to just let her. She will anyway.

What might help is thinking about what need in you you’re trying to meet by thinking about it this much. Are you trying to feel safe?

My MiL and FIL were always saying bitchy sniddy things - hurt dreadfully.. my DH got some counselling and the counsellor said if you parents want to me mean to your wife, you can’t stop them wanting to that and theylll always find a way. It was such a relief. It wasn’t really much to do with how I was as a person but the fact I “took away” their resource - their son away as I empowered him to be who he wanted to be not what they wanted him to be. She suggested we scored them out of 10 on their comments. Worked a treat. Journeys home turned into “oooh felt like your mother put a lot of thought into that one and it landed with an ouch so let’s give it a 10” rather then why would you parents want to hurt me, say that etc. we also decided not to meet them in our house or theirs. That helped too. One day we realised we hadn’t even remembered to score them in the journey home. It felt like they’d lost their power over us! They barely bother to bitch now as if doesn’t get them what it used to.

I’d definitely push elopement idea.

id block her back and delete her from your head space. Don’t meet her/talk to her. Leave your dh to take dc to family events. Don’t talk about them. Just continue with your life sans your sil.

I wouldn't block her or do anything active tbh. Id just reassign her in my mind to a background character.
You don't need to worry, think about or consider her at all. You go about your life and as/when you bump into her, you just stay polite and non committal.
You know she isn't someone who has your back, she isn't in your corner and she never will. Time to pull back.

My future sil never forgave me for giving her dps the first dgc. When she gave birth a year later she made sure her dps has no time for our dc. I tried to speak to dh, and his dps.. Fell on deaf ears.. I backed away. Saw them the bare minimum.. 2 hours a week. We all lived withing 3 street. Sil in the house opposite ils... Ils gave sil free childcare for her 6 dc.. Never even had ours round for tea.. When we divorced dh took them more.. As adults only 1 of 4 bother with them.

Be busy and less available.. Let dh manage relationships with his family and the dc. Embrace your free time imo.

It sounds to me like she's jealous of you OP. Is she your partner's only sibling?

My sister in law is like this too. Was always awful to me, but I put up with it. When I announced I was pregnant (after years of TTC and a miscarriage) she was so awful about it and I realised then everything stemmed from jealousy and it would never get better. I went no contact with her and it was the best thing I ever did. DH seemed to think this was slightly over the top but I told him it's never changing. He has barely any contact with her either.

If you can't go NC then reduce it as much as possible and stop caring. It's the best thing I did.

Go no contact with her. I’d not invite her to the wedding either, if the rest of his family say they won’t come unless she does, fine, they don’t come either. There’s no way I’d pander to her, and in turn his family. You’re right though, she’ll ruin the wedding if you let her

Id not invite her to wedding, and id go no contact with her and ask that other people dont tell her what you & dh are up too. She sounds jealous.

Thank you for all your comments, feels good to rant haha.
yesterday we were over at MILs and they were being nice and SIL came in the door, didn’t even speak to us went up stairs to speak to her younger sister and then came back down, gave me an evil look and left.
Im very emotional at the moment so unfortunately after she left, I started crying and told MIL everything and basically everything has blown up and I’ve been told everything she’s has said about me. Not nice stuff
looks like I’m pushing for elopement and cutting all contact — for my own sanity

She sounds like a dickhead OP. So does your MIL or at least a serious dickhead-enabler. Sorry for everything you've been through, you deserve a nice wedding with only people who love you invited!!

Why does your partner love a family that’s treated you so badly?

I have absolutely no idea why you spend any time at all with this family.

I wouldn’t be marrying, or staying with, someone who let his family treat me like that.

You have a SIL problem, but you also have a DP problem. He doesn't stick up for you or have your back, does he?

There is a middle ground - don't elope, but don't invite her. And don't lend her your travel cot!

DP is actually really supportive, he’s said that he will always choose me and the kids over them because we are his family. We’ve distanced our selves now from SIL, a bit heartbreaking though because I absolutely adore her 4 children and my kids do too. But I just need to face the fact that she hates me and it’s not going to change.
I don’t want him to have to choose between his family or me, I just wish we could all get along. My MIL and my relationship has been difficult but I think it’s getting better. But I feel I do need to realise she’s not my mum and she will backtrack and any moment, so I don’t have full trust or confidence in her unfortunately, especially after her not coming to help me with the kids after I just lost my baby and had sepsis. MIL is really excited about the wedding and is trying really hard, she’s trying to get SIL to come around but that’s a lost cause. Luckily I was in contact with my other SIL, (younger), and she has said she has no issues with me, she just feels like she’s in the middle because of older SIL sees her speaking to me she will fall out with her…
The whole family have tried to ask her what her issues with me are and all she says is “past stuff” but I genuinely have no idea what’s she’s on about because we have never had a speaking relationship, so I couldn’t have said anything to her or about her, I certainly haven’t done anything bad to her. I’ve spent my whole relationship trying to get her to like me… ugh