My future sister in law HATES me

[Senaraolive]

I am recently engaged to the man I’ve been with for 9 years, we have 3 kids together.
His older sister HATES me. If I’m completely honestly I have no idea why. So I guess maybe in writing this, I find out the answer? Idk
I just wish there wasn’t an issue, because I absolutely love my partner. But I don’t know if I can put up with her for much longer. And I don’t want to give him an ultimatum.

Basically she’s been funny with me since we got together (I was 15). She would barely speak to me and if she did speak to me it would be through my partner; for example “oh did you tell her about what happened?” And then he would say rather than her saying to me. It’s always been that way. I always mentioned it to my partner, but he wouldn’t always excuse it with “oh that’s just what she’s like”

Fast forward to when I found out I was pregnant with my first, she got jealous because her little boy wouldn’t be the youngest anymore. I also overheard her saying; how is she meant to compete with me and my posh baby, and calling me snobby. All this was over me saying I wanted to try using cloth nappies, as I was gifted them from another family member.
Then during this pregnancy; we bought our first house together. She didn’t help with the move, but decided to tag along to see the house (fair enough) but then let her 3 children ran all around the house going through our boxes and causing havoc while we were trying to unpack. One of them jumped onto our new sofa with muddy wet shoes so I said to my partners sister if she could ask them to get off or at least take their shoes off and she shrugged her shoulders and walked away. So I then said to her kids not to jump on our sofa and that I didn’t want shoes on if they were to go on it and she got annoyed at me for “parenting her kids”

A few years later, after 3 miscarriages, myself and my partner were still trying for our second baby and nothing was happening. Our families knew that we were struggling and it was difficult on us. She came over all happy and blurted out she was pregnant and I was heartbroken, I kept it together until she left and then broke down crying after. But I then found out I was pregnant a couple weeks later and myself and my partner were so excited to tell her that we were expecting 9 weeks apart. When we told her she was not happy, claiming it was her moment and that I was copying her. I was so hurt because we had been trying for another baby for over a year and had multiple losses, and SHE KNEW!
I shrugged it off, in hopes that we would maybe get close over having our babies at similar times, but once we had our babies she started trying to compete with me. Which really messed with my head. It made me want to compete too, but then I sat back and thought why the heck am I doing this? I don’t care. My babies are healthy and happy and that’s all that matters. But to this day she’s still trying to compete.

And fast forward to last autumn, I had an ectopic pregnancy that I had to have surgery for and that resulted in sepsis. It was the most traumatic time of my life. We had asked my partners mum to come over and help me with the kids after I was discharged from hospital. (All my family were on holiday and couldn’t come back yet and my partner had just received a promotion and couldn’t get the first 2 days of me being back home off but they agreed they would let him have the next week off after that to help). (Side note, I had to sign a hospital form to say I would have another adult with me at all times I case of emergency) So he asked his mum to come look after me and she came the first day, but 5 minutes before my partner was due to leave for work the second day, he got a call from his mum saying she wasn’t coming through because his sister said that when she had sepsis his mum didn’t look after her, so why should she come help me. That hurt.

He was so annoyed and I just had to get on with the day, I wasn’t meant to lift my kids or stand on my feet too much but I had to. Which then made my recovery harder. My partner managed to get out of work early because I was struggling so much, luckily he was then off for the next week to help me but we were both so hurt. His whole family fell out with us over this, his sister caused such a commotion and turned his mum against us and we didn’t speak to them for months.
My partner resolved things with them but to this day I never got any apologies. Just the words still repeating in my head “what’s the difference from losing this baby, to the others”

Now, as I was saying we recently got engaged, everyone was very the moon. But when my partner called his sister she replied with “aw that’s nice” and then blocked me on every social media. I am so hurt
I just don’t know what to do. I don’t think I can live like this, I’m walking on egg shells whenever she’s around
My partner is so annoyed at her too

And to top it all off before she blocked me she used her mum to ask me if she could use my travel cot for her holiday in two weeks!!!

Dysfunctional families behave not to dissimilarly and your man completely lucked out when it came to his own family unit.

Your now 3.5 year old is very perceptive. Give your child the age appropriate truth re his aunty; he deserves that much from you both as his parents.

You both need to drop the rope completely when it comes to his sister/ your future SIL. Same with her mother your MIL; she has shown that she cannot be trusted. Your man could read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward as a starting point and you could both read the Out of the FOG website and watch Dr Ramani on Youtube. You may also want to read/post on the current Well we took you to Stately Homes thread on these pages.

It is not your fault your man's sister is like this and you did not make her that way. This whole dynamic is something your man's parents created and this started in childhood. Is his sister younger than he, somewhat prickly in terms of personality anyway, was put on a pedestal by her parents and or seen to be more precious?. Not at all surprised to read of her behaviour re her children; narcissistic people make for being deplorably bad parents.

I'd be asking your man a lot of questions if you have not already re his own childhood because the answers to those will be most enlightning. You wrote you've been through similar re your dad's side of the family. Sadly there are a lot of narcissistic people around and they do and will go all out to ruin other people's lives. People like this are really not worth bothering about ultimately.

Life with a narcissistic relative is akin to hell on earth so I was not surprised to read that OP and her own family unit have been through hell themselves re his sister.

re an earlier comment
"I don’t want him to have to choose between his family or me, I just wish we could all get along".

This could also mean that you do not want to do anything and remain the bystander here. Am sorry but that is not an option for you. His sister does not like you for her own reasons (nothing really to do with you and it's no reflection on you) and will never like you. She does not like anyone who she sees as taking attention away from her; your wedding being an example of that. And she could well go all out to make your day all about her; she will pull some stunt to get the attention back on her.

She's a spoiled brat, I would want as little to do with someone like that as possible.

Sorry I meant I worked hard in my job and was able to save up for the same amount of my deposit on my own. But yes my partner contributes equally. I mean we also bought a house during Covid when the rates were low and we got very lucky. Otherwise we would still be renting

I agree with this. I suspect it's important for the longer-term wellbeing of your son to put some distance between your immediate family and this kind of community and mindset. Any distance at all would be better than none.

The setup you describe sounds insular, parochial and unhealthy.

Do consider moving say 15-30 minutes away in the opposite direction along with you both learning how to drive. It will give you both far more independence as individuals and a couple. Both suggestions here should be your priority for the next 12-18 months.

And your man should read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward as a starting point.

Do not lend his sister your travel cot either. It will likely come back damaged in some way or she could even lose it.

Unfortunately SIL is actually 6 years older. I think also the fact she is 30 and hasn’t bought a house yet or is engaged really ticks her off. I think this is where she has her imaginary competition in her head. I really think she just holds people hostage with her tantrums as said previously. That’s exactly how it feels. I get on so well with my DH gran and uncle, they stay out of everything and don’t get involved. But they admitted yesterday that the family would probably never fall out of SIL wasn’t part of it, she is the cause of all of it.

She seems to think I’m trying to outdo her

And don’t worry I have said no about the travel cot. It will likely make her more mad but I don’t owe her anything, especially when she treats me like dirt

You sound like you have a lovely and supportive family so why do you need them? Just let them crack on with their bitter and twisted lives and you do you. You need to pull right back from them and stop caring. They won't ever change and when push comes to shove your mother in law will always support her own daughter.

I think a big wedding would be a disaster given that both families hate each other. I think parents only at the ceremony is a great idea, followed by drinks for a couple of hours in a small function room with only the people who you love and who love you back. If anyone kicks off about not getting an invitation, you can tell them they didn’t meet those criteria. Why should you have to elope and not have your parents at your wedding if that’s not what you want.

Try not to give her any headspace at all, with no job or ambitions she’s spent her whole adult life driving herself mad with boredom and jealousy and her only entertainment is creating drama. You just happen to be in her orbit and have shown her little brother another option in life than what she chose so you’re the focus of her rage, it’s not personal.

You can’t change her, all you can do is let her crack on with whatever she wants to think but calmly tell her she’s no longer welcome in your home and she’s not invited to your wedding.

"I really think she just holds people hostage with her tantrums as said previously. That’s exactly how it feels".

These are not mere tantrums; that is narcissistic rage. Your SIL sounds like she emotionally got stuck around at around six years of age. Narcissists are very much like a somewhat wilful six year old.

" I get on so well with my DH gran and uncle, they stay out of everything and don’t get involved. But they admitted yesterday that the family would probably never fall out of SIL wasn’t part of it, she is the cause of all of it".

They are wise to keep their both distance and counsel. And they are also correct re your SIL.

OP, this all sounds so tough. But it isn't a you problem, it's a her problem. IMO you're doing the right things in making it clear to your DP's family that things need to change if they want to stay close to you. As someone who grew up in a village, I'd say move as soon as possible because this sounds overwhelming. Even a few miles would make a big difference. Make driving lessons for you and your partner a priority.

OP you are marrying him not her or them..get married ,be happy and leave them all to themselves. All you need to do is concentrate on your marriage and your life. Works for me and has done for 15 years. I am happy and feel complete and they can go to hell as they have no bearing on my life at all. DH still sees them and thats fine with me I am happy for him but I do not get involved at all.

Ah OP you sound amazing! To have achieved so much at your age and to have survived going through so much too. She sounds jealous and toxic. She can’t bear that a younger woman and her little brother are doing so well. Pathetic and nasty. I agree with everyone saying distance yourself and have a small wedding. Congratulations on your engagement!

Just before our wedding 34 years ago, SIL1 asked if I was certain I wanted to marry DH (her brother) as he was a capitalist bastard.

I disengaged and have never gone out of my way to keep up with her. Fortunately she lives on a different Continent.

The fact that her brother is a capitalist bastard has never stopped her from asking her brother fkr mo ey when things have been tight. Neither she nor her lazy bastard DH have ever worked full-time.

Step away @Senaraolive. Get married quietly and minimise contact.

@Senaraolive I'm in the same boat as you. Honestly you couldn't make it up. DH is supportive but I feel gutted for DC as MIL has blatantly taken sides. I am super low contact but I find it hilarious that they are obsessed with me. I take zero interest in them, there is no social media for them to know what I do but they still try and find out through friends of friends, kids about me. DH is upset but just gets on with it. My family are brilliant and I am grateful for that. I carry a black tourmaline crystal!! Good luck.

As your MiL seems to side with your SiL I'd be careful

You can and should cut all contact but it will make life very difficult if your OH continues to see them

Spend the wedding money on driving lessons for you and your DP and move asap. You can still see your own side of the family. I hope this works out for you, OP.

I think you should say no to her coming inside your home also. When she asks why, let her know she wasn’t invited and she won’t be welcome in your home until she can learn to treat you with respect. *I would also plan some events at home and evenings out and make sure that she’s excluded from those too.

How old is your partner? How old are your DC?

Do you have a lot of family help?

It’s no excuse but if you’re 24 with three kids, maybe they feel you’re very young to have a big family, the stress of ectopic pregnancy, mortgage and work? It’s a lot. Maybe they’re worried about the responsibility you both have.

Absolutely this!

It's not rocket science. You are a hard worker and sound very caring and therefore have been able to build a nice life for yourself with your DP which comes with a bunch of values you and your family live by and a certain respect in society for being the sorts of people who do productive things - but that life and those values are something your SIL has to reject as "snobby" in order to not feel bad herself for not doing the same. It's more than just jealousy - her brother and your life is a constant reminder of choices she has not made (I am assuming based on the description that she doesn't have a good reason for not doing it other than it was easier at the time not to work hard). She won't get past it unless she changes her life - if anything as the benefits of your hard work and good relationships continue to accrue the differences may become more obvious and she is likely to become more bitter. Reduce contact and stop giving her any of your headspace - the only thing you could have done to make the relationship better would be to live a less rewarding life.

It all sounds very infant school playground. Are you both very young?

Really good point because no decent partner would ever have allowed this to happen.

Your MIL left you with sepsis to look after your DC because her eldest daughter complained, she couldn’t care less if you’d collapsed and your DC were scared in the house. They told you everything your SIL has ever said about you because they love the drama of it. This is not a healthy and loving family for your DC or you. They will repeat everything you say to SIL and there will be more drama. I’d cut ties with them.
live your life without aggravation and malice, you have a lovely family so don’t allow this to affect your lovely children.

It would make me very uncomfortable that MIL told you everything SIL has said about you. I don't think you can trust MIL either and I'd be careful what you say to her.

I don’t believe moving away is the answer! I’ve toxic in laws. They will get you on social media, on the phone, by text. You can run but you can’t hide from in laws.
All you can do is not bother with them!