My future sister in law HATES me

[Senaraolive]

I am recently engaged to the man I’ve been with for 9 years, we have 3 kids together.
His older sister HATES me. If I’m completely honestly I have no idea why. So I guess maybe in writing this, I find out the answer? Idk
I just wish there wasn’t an issue, because I absolutely love my partner. But I don’t know if I can put up with her for much longer. And I don’t want to give him an ultimatum.

Basically she’s been funny with me since we got together (I was 15). She would barely speak to me and if she did speak to me it would be through my partner; for example “oh did you tell her about what happened?” And then he would say rather than her saying to me. It’s always been that way. I always mentioned it to my partner, but he wouldn’t always excuse it with “oh that’s just what she’s like”

Fast forward to when I found out I was pregnant with my first, she got jealous because her little boy wouldn’t be the youngest anymore. I also overheard her saying; how is she meant to compete with me and my posh baby, and calling me snobby. All this was over me saying I wanted to try using cloth nappies, as I was gifted them from another family member.
Then during this pregnancy; we bought our first house together. She didn’t help with the move, but decided to tag along to see the house (fair enough) but then let her 3 children ran all around the house going through our boxes and causing havoc while we were trying to unpack. One of them jumped onto our new sofa with muddy wet shoes so I said to my partners sister if she could ask them to get off or at least take their shoes off and she shrugged her shoulders and walked away. So I then said to her kids not to jump on our sofa and that I didn’t want shoes on if they were to go on it and she got annoyed at me for “parenting her kids”

A few years later, after 3 miscarriages, myself and my partner were still trying for our second baby and nothing was happening. Our families knew that we were struggling and it was difficult on us. She came over all happy and blurted out she was pregnant and I was heartbroken, I kept it together until she left and then broke down crying after. But I then found out I was pregnant a couple weeks later and myself and my partner were so excited to tell her that we were expecting 9 weeks apart. When we told her she was not happy, claiming it was her moment and that I was copying her. I was so hurt because we had been trying for another baby for over a year and had multiple losses, and SHE KNEW!
I shrugged it off, in hopes that we would maybe get close over having our babies at similar times, but once we had our babies she started trying to compete with me. Which really messed with my head. It made me want to compete too, but then I sat back and thought why the heck am I doing this? I don’t care. My babies are healthy and happy and that’s all that matters. But to this day she’s still trying to compete.

And fast forward to last autumn, I had an ectopic pregnancy that I had to have surgery for and that resulted in sepsis. It was the most traumatic time of my life. We had asked my partners mum to come over and help me with the kids after I was discharged from hospital. (All my family were on holiday and couldn’t come back yet and my partner had just received a promotion and couldn’t get the first 2 days of me being back home off but they agreed they would let him have the next week off after that to help). (Side note, I had to sign a hospital form to say I would have another adult with me at all times I case of emergency) So he asked his mum to come look after me and she came the first day, but 5 minutes before my partner was due to leave for work the second day, he got a call from his mum saying she wasn’t coming through because his sister said that when she had sepsis his mum didn’t look after her, so why should she come help me. That hurt.

He was so annoyed and I just had to get on with the day, I wasn’t meant to lift my kids or stand on my feet too much but I had to. Which then made my recovery harder. My partner managed to get out of work early because I was struggling so much, luckily he was then off for the next week to help me but we were both so hurt. His whole family fell out with us over this, his sister caused such a commotion and turned his mum against us and we didn’t speak to them for months.
My partner resolved things with them but to this day I never got any apologies. Just the words still repeating in my head “what’s the difference from losing this baby, to the others”

Now, as I was saying we recently got engaged, everyone was very the moon. But when my partner called his sister she replied with “aw that’s nice” and then blocked me on every social media. I am so hurt
I just don’t know what to do. I don’t think I can live like this, I’m walking on egg shells whenever she’s around
My partner is so annoyed at her too

And to top it all off before she blocked me she used her mum to ask me if she could use my travel cot for her holiday in two weeks!!!

What did you mean by "I’ve been told everything she’s has said about me" - did this give any clue as to what her issue is? Not that it's excusable in any way, she sounds horrible. But did it shed any light at all?

Seriously, why are you bothered? Surely you have friends of your own that you get along with, so why bother with someone who doesn't like you? I can recommend not giving a fuck!

You need to flip this on its head now.

She has not fallen out with you - you have with her. You will no longer tolerate her behaviour. She is not invited to your wedding. She is not part of your family’s life. You need to start taking control of the narrative instead of hoping she will give you a crumb.

Because you’re so passive everyone else feels stuck in the middle, as you have no reaction. They therefore don’t see her as “that bad”.

This.

The moment you stop giving her oxygen, the better you will feel.

My SIL told me she had been horrible because she was jealous of me taking her brother's time. I tried for a while then decided to stop trying. DH didn't take over the relationship so we haven't seen them for years.

You sure you wanna marry someone with no backbone ?
tbh I’d run

Yes I realise I’m too passive so everything just doesn’t look bad to anyone else. I think that’s why it’s been eating me alive. The thing that bothered me was the fact that I have absolutely no idea why she doesn’t like me, and if you ask her- she doesn’t even have an answer. MIL said she thinks she’s jealous, that’s why she keeps trying to compete with everything I do.
But I will just have to accept the fact that this is the way it will be and I’ll either have to suck it up for my partner and kids or avoid it completely.
My Fiancé is completely supportive of me, he’s absolutely mortified by his families actions and has said that we are taking a step back from them and cutting all contact with SIL.
Im the one that’s I guess prolonging the inevitable of cutting contact with the whole family. I know in their eyes I’m the bad guy. I just wish they realised that my fiancé has a mind of his own and makes his own decisions too regarding cutting contact.
I grew up with this crappy situation with my dad’s side of the family and I just didn’t want it to be the same for my kids. Looks like history is repeating itself 🤷🏻‍♀️

Trying to placate someone who doesn’t like you will just make them disrespect you more. She’s irrational so you aren’t going to be able to reason this out. As the pp said, don’t give her your energy.

I have the same issue. I honestly have no idea what I did to upset my sil. Bit obviously at some point I have. She's utterly toxic towards me. But I am very grateful about the way she looks after my elderly mum. So maybe try to see the good in her. She doesn't have to like you personally. But does she have other qualities?

What does your dp say and do to her then to stick up for you

If she ever makes comments or is rude he calls her out for it, he’s taken the elopement into consideration, he listens and fully understands my issues with her and can see it for himself, he understands if I don’t want to come to the family functions on his side, he has set boundaries now with his family so that I don’t get hurt, he’s constantly checking if I’m okay, and apologies for his families behaviour. He’s had a big conversation with his mum and said if this continues, then he’s going to cut all contact with the whole family and we will move further away. He used to be a real mummy’s boy, but he’s seen how they treat me and hurt me constantly and always says if he has to choose between them or our little family then he’s going to choose our little family. We are his priority. But it’s hard for him, he loves his family and just wants there to be no conflict, but unfortunately there is

I don’t think it’s fair to say run from DH, he’s the one I fell in love with. Not his family, I’m not with him for his family. I just wanted them in his and my kids life, more people to love them. Just never thought that SIL would make life hellish. Everything has to be about her, no one gets to have their moment and DH can see that so clearly now. But before he was just so blinded by the fact that he should love his family unconditionally.
It’s just me being seen as the bad guy by his family for him choosing me, that I think I’m struggling with. Because I know that I’m not a bad person and I would hate if people saw me that way.
Just wanted to have a big happy family for my children

You are marrying your DP ,not his family. I would keep contact to a minimum. Life is too short to try and be a people pleaser with people who are not worth your time and effort. Good that your DP has your back. The sister sounds completely toxic.

Your SIL and MIL are both twats. I’d have nothing to do with SIL again and severely limit contact with MIL. What does she actually contribute? I wouldn’t go to her home at all.

‘he got a call from his mum saying she wasn’t coming through because his sister said that when she had sepsis his mum didn’t look after her, so why should she come help me.’

Then WHO looked after her? Did she even have sepsis or is she just being a nasty shit stirrer?

I would elope and with the money saved go on a lovely holiday with husband and kids or honeymoon.

But I hope you can see you have a serious DP issue too. No way in hell would my husband allow his sisters or mother to treat me like this. They wouldn’t be welcome in our home for half the stuff these bitches have done to you. They are particularly cruel about your losses and I’m so sorry.

pay her dust! Both of them. Id gray rock. They didn’t look after you when you lost your baby and nearly died, they don’t love you or your children to put you both in such a vulnerable position. You owe them NOTHING. I’d make no plans, no invites, never go to Mils home, be busy and try to make friends in the local community or go out with ones you have, and massively limit toxic MIL being around your kids. She’s not a nice person. I’d go help my brothers ex if she had sepsis! Let alone his wife ffs!

Distance and Google gray rock method! And tell your husband you won’t be disrespected anymore. No wonder you have anxiety.

Op, you really have to come to a point where you don’t give a flying fuck. It is truly liberating .This woman has power over you as you are continually thinking about why she hates you.
Time to step away from her

As others have said , you also have a dp issue too.

‘It’s just me being seen as the bad guy by his family for him choosing me, that I think I’m struggling with’

OP please please google ‘let them.’ It’s a technique where you in times of someone bullying you, not being there etc you decide ok let them. If they think I’m a bad guy let them.

Your children will be much happier without a toxic awful environment around them. I’ve seen families where the children become victims if the mother is also picked on and you have to protect your children from this. Who gives a shit if they think bad of you, they are absolute pricks! Their opinion means nothing.

Find your rage OP! You have to start hating this bitch. I’d have started hating MIL and SIL long ago and they’d be dead to me for refusing to help you when you needed it.

its clear to you guys but clearly not to me. What are my DP issues? Is he in the wrong?

Ok so if this happened to me, my husband would have gone nuclear on his Mother and insisted she come when you were home after having sepsis. He would have said what do you mean you can’t come because my sister is being a jealous bitch and has kicked off? We NEED you. I can’t be off work today and my wife nearly died and we lost our baby WE NEED YOU HERE. Are you not my mother too? Where is the support for us? And if she didn’t come, then we would have taken a huge step back from her, stopped calling/texting/visiting and would be extremely low contact.

Any time his sister was rude to me he would have said you will not speak to my partner like that. She would have been cut off a long time ago and again a conversation would have been bad with the parents about we will not be seeing sister anymore as she is disrespectful and rude to the mother of my children.

I actually went no contact with my sibling a few years ago due to their constant rudeness to my husband. I had the conversation with my mother about why and she understood and has never meddled. My kids are no worse off for that sibling being out of our lives.

Remember your children love you as their mummy and they won’t feel safe or comfortable around someone being spiteful to you. Children see and hear more than we think. I’d also raise with your husband that his sister is so repeatedly and obviously hostile towards you that you no longer feel comfortable with her being around your children. We live abroad so my kids have zero cousins and they could care less!! I promise kids don’t really notice if people aren’t about but they will notice spiteful and unkind people. I’d not trust her to not turn on your kids next especially if she becomes jealous of them vs her own (which she already has been).

What your husband needs to do now. Speak to his mother and explain that the disrespect is too much and won’t be tolerated any longer. That you are both extremely hurt she did not come when you were home from the hospital and that it’s unacceptable that his sister was even commenting on it, but that she is his mother too and should have been there to support his family. And moving forwards you are all having a break from speaking to his sister until she can grow up and act like a mature adult. Her disrespect is done with. You are considering eloping and if you do it will be your choice and because of how family have made him feel. Pushed out, like he is less important than his sisters, like he and his children don’t need the same care and support.

Encourage him to really focus on his relationship with them and how it’s impacting him and the kids. They’ve let them down badly too.

Why on earth do you see her so often? Can't you just avoid her?

I hope you told her to get her own damn travel cot and keep her kids out of your house if she isn’t willing to parent them herself.

We live in the same village :/ unfortunately
that’s how myself and my partner met,
my family live in the village too, my family absolutely despise DH’s family. They love my DH though.
so we see them constantly, doesn’t help that none of them have jobs too so they will just come through to our house whenever.
Hopefully not now though since we have set some boundaries. Mainly considering eloping now because it’s cheaper and we can put more money into moving the hell away from his family

She thrives on getting one up on you. It’s a very immature way for her to deal with her jealousy. Sounds like she is close with her mum too which makes it much wwharder for you.

You have it within your power to make changes though OP.

Stop letting them know your private business. Ask your DH to do the same. Your SIL feeds off turning her nose up publicly at everything you do and say and feel and need. So stop feeding her with those things.

Stop expecting to get justice. She will never apologise.

Lower your expectations of her. She isn’t like you and that’s ok. Let her be, she won’t change her ways so stop engaging with her. You aren’t compatible so will never be close. Learn to ignore politely.

See her less. Invite her less. Avoid her more. Put space between you physically as well as in your head. Give her nothing of yourself. Be polite and civil when you do see her but don’t talk about yourself or your family. Stop trying/wantng to be her friend. Let your DH do family stuff if he wants but you are busy elsewhere.

Care less about her …and the trouble she causes. Very soon she will be hungry for more ammunition to use against you. Don’t be tempted to tell her anything, make sure she has nothing to go on. Sooner or later she will get bored and blame you for caring less. Be ready for that and resist all her complaining just remain cool and distant. Only show her your cool disinterest. But don’t ever be rude.

Remember that you don’t need her approval or her friendship or her apology. Don’t react at all to the dramas she causes. Stop mentioning her name within your own little family.
Make close friendships elsewhere with nicer people.

Hope some of that helps. All the best!

Do they know your family despise them? Does your DH? None of them work?

Yeah they openly hate each other
It’s well known by everyone
Yes unfortunately none of DH family work so they are always around, can’t go a day without bumping into them