My future sister in law HATES me

[Senaraolive]

I am recently engaged to the man I’ve been with for 9 years, we have 3 kids together.
His older sister HATES me. If I’m completely honestly I have no idea why. So I guess maybe in writing this, I find out the answer? Idk
I just wish there wasn’t an issue, because I absolutely love my partner. But I don’t know if I can put up with her for much longer. And I don’t want to give him an ultimatum.

Basically she’s been funny with me since we got together (I was 15). She would barely speak to me and if she did speak to me it would be through my partner; for example “oh did you tell her about what happened?” And then he would say rather than her saying to me. It’s always been that way. I always mentioned it to my partner, but he wouldn’t always excuse it with “oh that’s just what she’s like”

Fast forward to when I found out I was pregnant with my first, she got jealous because her little boy wouldn’t be the youngest anymore. I also overheard her saying; how is she meant to compete with me and my posh baby, and calling me snobby. All this was over me saying I wanted to try using cloth nappies, as I was gifted them from another family member.
Then during this pregnancy; we bought our first house together. She didn’t help with the move, but decided to tag along to see the house (fair enough) but then let her 3 children ran all around the house going through our boxes and causing havoc while we were trying to unpack. One of them jumped onto our new sofa with muddy wet shoes so I said to my partners sister if she could ask them to get off or at least take their shoes off and she shrugged her shoulders and walked away. So I then said to her kids not to jump on our sofa and that I didn’t want shoes on if they were to go on it and she got annoyed at me for “parenting her kids”

A few years later, after 3 miscarriages, myself and my partner were still trying for our second baby and nothing was happening. Our families knew that we were struggling and it was difficult on us. She came over all happy and blurted out she was pregnant and I was heartbroken, I kept it together until she left and then broke down crying after. But I then found out I was pregnant a couple weeks later and myself and my partner were so excited to tell her that we were expecting 9 weeks apart. When we told her she was not happy, claiming it was her moment and that I was copying her. I was so hurt because we had been trying for another baby for over a year and had multiple losses, and SHE KNEW!
I shrugged it off, in hopes that we would maybe get close over having our babies at similar times, but once we had our babies she started trying to compete with me. Which really messed with my head. It made me want to compete too, but then I sat back and thought why the heck am I doing this? I don’t care. My babies are healthy and happy and that’s all that matters. But to this day she’s still trying to compete.

And fast forward to last autumn, I had an ectopic pregnancy that I had to have surgery for and that resulted in sepsis. It was the most traumatic time of my life. We had asked my partners mum to come over and help me with the kids after I was discharged from hospital. (All my family were on holiday and couldn’t come back yet and my partner had just received a promotion and couldn’t get the first 2 days of me being back home off but they agreed they would let him have the next week off after that to help). (Side note, I had to sign a hospital form to say I would have another adult with me at all times I case of emergency) So he asked his mum to come look after me and she came the first day, but 5 minutes before my partner was due to leave for work the second day, he got a call from his mum saying she wasn’t coming through because his sister said that when she had sepsis his mum didn’t look after her, so why should she come help me. That hurt.

He was so annoyed and I just had to get on with the day, I wasn’t meant to lift my kids or stand on my feet too much but I had to. Which then made my recovery harder. My partner managed to get out of work early because I was struggling so much, luckily he was then off for the next week to help me but we were both so hurt. His whole family fell out with us over this, his sister caused such a commotion and turned his mum against us and we didn’t speak to them for months.
My partner resolved things with them but to this day I never got any apologies. Just the words still repeating in my head “what’s the difference from losing this baby, to the others”

Now, as I was saying we recently got engaged, everyone was very the moon. But when my partner called his sister she replied with “aw that’s nice” and then blocked me on every social media. I am so hurt
I just don’t know what to do. I don’t think I can live like this, I’m walking on egg shells whenever she’s around
My partner is so annoyed at her too

And to top it all off before she blocked me she used her mum to ask me if she could use my travel cot for her holiday in two weeks!!!

I don't think this is about you.

I think it's about your family v his family.

Have you a sibling that would have known bitchy SIL back when you and your DH met?

If so, that could be where this stems from.

No, I don’t.
They did get along before I fell pregnant with my first. It’s when we got serious that’s when all the issues started.
it started with my mil causing issues because I was taking her son away I think and then when my DS was 6 months everything blew up and myself and DH almost split but we worked things out. This is also when SIL really started to make it blatantly obvious that she did not like me
My family had nothing against them until they saw how they treated me

You are giving this woman far too much power in your life.

you don’t need to see her very often. She doesn’t need to come to your home and you don’t need to visit her home. She will appear at the occasional family gathering and you can treat her like you barely know her. Briefly chat about something banal and then excuse yourself from the conversation and avoid her. Treat her like someone at work you don’t really know and don’t care to get to know.

Well, that puts a different slant on things.

Please read about narcissistic personality disorder. I can’t diagnose her but this behavior sounds very much like one of my relatives. Definitely keep your distance but also think about changing the narrative that “she hates you”… with a narcissist it actually isn’t about you at all. It’s all about her. Always will be. Nothing will change. But I think it can be helpful to take a step back and realize it has nothing to do with who you are as a person. She will be this way with anyone she comes in contact with.

Narcissists tend to be very hostile and very manipulative. At least in my experience. It’s very difficult to have a relationship with someone like that. But if you find a way to ignore the ridiculous comments and refuse to react you will actually disempower her. Also — her kids will need an ally. Seriously— read about growing up with a narcissistic mother. You’re dealing with someone with a mental illness that is essentially untreatable. That doesn’t mean you need to put up with bad behavior. But you can decide not to expect normal reactions from her. And you can decide what your boundaries are.

I found that not reacting in the expected way took the wind out of this person’s sails. Also it took me until I was about 40 to get a clue about this condition. I hope you can get some peace much sooner.

Don’t lend her the travel cot for starters!

If my DH had a family member being rude to me he would blow up at them. So I think your DP is pretty lame not calling his sister out on her shitty behaviour. If I were you I would just treat her like a fly; ignore her and go nc but don't make a big deal out of it. If someone asks just say you had it being treated like shit.

Clearly she is jealous. I’d step back and don’t engage with her. Your DP will tire of her in the end

I would do absolutely everything I could to move away from this situation. A new place to make your own life.
I see my difficult in laws about twice a year, sometimes less. It's great. I never speak to them on the phone or have them on SM. They don't feature in my life at all really.

OP, why are you allowing her to upset you so much? Why do you care what she thinks? OK so she's a daft bint who's immature, wants all the attention and is intent on competing with you. But you can ignore it all.

I've had a SIL since 1997 who insists on trying to compete with me. I love my brother but SIL & I are chalk & cheese. We have nothing in common, she's a SAHM, fashion & the latest craze type. I'm a single working mum with a career. She likes housing estates, I live rurally. She spent the first 10 years showing me her integrated Neff oven or her "influencer web site". I just smile and nod and let her get on with it.

Accept that not everyone in the world will like you or is like you. It's certainly not worth causing a family rift over. Share less information with her, don't expect to spend any time with her. Get on with your life, have a relationship with the rest of the family, leave your DP to deal with her.

So she doesn't like you, but still pops over to your house??

Fuck that, I'd be moving away from these people.

I think moving away is your real solution here. In the meantime, hold firm boundaries. No more just popping around to yours for them, ignore your SIL, block them all on social media. Most importantly, try to minimise them in your mind. Stop giving them the power to hurt you.

Here's your response:

Dear SIL (or perhaps not so dear)

You have made it abundantly clear that you do not like me. I have no idea why not as I have not given you any reason for this so I can only conclude that you are seriously deranged - as in batshit crazy.

You will not be invited to the wedding as you do not deserve to be and any attempt to disrupt the day will be taken down by the hotel security who will drag you out and dump you on the roadside on your sizeable arse.

Kindly, X

PS. As for the travel cot, buy your own, you demented hag.

No favours ever and she should not be allowed in your house.

Why doesn’t your dp drive? I’d say accelerate plans to move, it doesn’t have to be miles away, just not ‘popping in’ distance.

Why have you and DH not confronted her about her behaviour? DH definotely needs to tell her she's behave appallingly. That said I agree with a PP above that she sounds like a narcissist and that it isn't that she hates you. More likely the rest of the family have always pandered to her and when you came along it altered the dynamic and she didn't like that as she wasn't the centre of attention all day every day any more. Just ignore her, don't see her any more or engage with messages, cut her off. If anyone asks you to do things for her or tries to make you two feel bad about not engaging with her, shut it down by saying you'd love yo have a great relationship with her but it's not possible so reducing contact is the only option. Then change the conversation.

Also don't worry about the family thinking it's your fault - they are clearly limited people and you just need to accept that that means they are limited in their ability to see the reality of the situation. If they make your life difficult as a result of that belief then you need to act, but otherwise ignore ignore ignore.

@Senaraolive he may be on your side now but why has it taken him 9 years if letting this slide while he watches??? 9 years if shitty treatment which he has watched and never jumped in????if he wants to stay with you then you have to move and not let them know where you are living. that goes for him too. perhaps they all expected financial help from him seeing that he appears to be the only one with a job???

Start being matter of fact OP.

She can borrow it… if she asks me herself.

DSIL you seem to have blocked me, why?

Only people that don’t have a problem with me can come to our wedding, sorry.

Why are your family so involved? Don’t give her any excuse to act this way.

It all sounds terribly immature and suffocating as well living in a small village with both families. One family don't work and has a ringleader stirring things up all the time and socks everyone into dramatic disputes. Move to a different village. Don't invite the sil to anything. Only see mil on your terms, she can come to you. Don't entertain any talk about crazy sil either. Basically you need to untangle yourselves from them now that you are adults.

They all sound hideous, your partner included. He has not got your back, he doesn’t care about you. He went to work and left you with sepsis to care for your DC alone. That wasn’t on MIL, that was on him. Don’t marry him.

Your SIL would’ve reacted exactly the same, had your DP met someone else instead of you. She is a deeply unhappy, competitive, vindictive woman and her mum and younger sister won’t or feel unable to pull her up over her behaviour as she will turn on anyone who dares stand up to her.
You and DP need to discuss with mum and younger sister that your DC are noticing tensions with aunt, that it’s unacceptable! That family occasions are spoilt deliberately by her, that they can visit you or allow her to stop them. The same for your wedding, she won’t be invited but they have the choice to go or not.
Was SIL the golden child and your DP the scapegoat? Thats’s what it sounds like, if so the dynamics of that family won’t change and you will have to move and walk away from them.

I have a sister in law (husband’s sister) who by her actions seems to intensely dislike me too! Never done anything wrong! I now get very anxious when I am due to see her which thankfully isn’t very often as she lives 160 miles away. Sending you lots of love and hugs.

She is sooo jealous of you it's sad.

I'd distance myself from her specifically. Dont share as much with her, your DP can do the sharing of info.

I like how your DP sounds. He sounds like a rock. I hope you have many many more happy years together.

I wouldnt be walking on egg shells with anyone. Maybe she needs confronting. It doesn't need to be an argument, just call her out for her games and that you see her. You know she's jealous but you've no idea why. You and DP are very happy though. So is she ok?

Doesn't sound like you'll change her but you dont need to put up with her BS.

Is this real?

Could you have a "just parents" wedding? Both sides. Then a party later?
Compromise is a great start to marriage.

I said to my MIL once, that I thought SIL didn't like me. She replied Oh I think she's going through the menopause. That told me everything I needed to know, so after that, she got no birthday stuff/ card etc from me. Blocked her on all social media etc. Dont think about it at all now.