My future sister in law HATES me

[Senaraolive]

I am recently engaged to the man I’ve been with for 9 years, we have 3 kids together.
His older sister HATES me. If I’m completely honestly I have no idea why. So I guess maybe in writing this, I find out the answer? Idk
I just wish there wasn’t an issue, because I absolutely love my partner. But I don’t know if I can put up with her for much longer. And I don’t want to give him an ultimatum.

Basically she’s been funny with me since we got together (I was 15). She would barely speak to me and if she did speak to me it would be through my partner; for example “oh did you tell her about what happened?” And then he would say rather than her saying to me. It’s always been that way. I always mentioned it to my partner, but he wouldn’t always excuse it with “oh that’s just what she’s like”

Fast forward to when I found out I was pregnant with my first, she got jealous because her little boy wouldn’t be the youngest anymore. I also overheard her saying; how is she meant to compete with me and my posh baby, and calling me snobby. All this was over me saying I wanted to try using cloth nappies, as I was gifted them from another family member.
Then during this pregnancy; we bought our first house together. She didn’t help with the move, but decided to tag along to see the house (fair enough) but then let her 3 children ran all around the house going through our boxes and causing havoc while we were trying to unpack. One of them jumped onto our new sofa with muddy wet shoes so I said to my partners sister if she could ask them to get off or at least take their shoes off and she shrugged her shoulders and walked away. So I then said to her kids not to jump on our sofa and that I didn’t want shoes on if they were to go on it and she got annoyed at me for “parenting her kids”

A few years later, after 3 miscarriages, myself and my partner were still trying for our second baby and nothing was happening. Our families knew that we were struggling and it was difficult on us. She came over all happy and blurted out she was pregnant and I was heartbroken, I kept it together until she left and then broke down crying after. But I then found out I was pregnant a couple weeks later and myself and my partner were so excited to tell her that we were expecting 9 weeks apart. When we told her she was not happy, claiming it was her moment and that I was copying her. I was so hurt because we had been trying for another baby for over a year and had multiple losses, and SHE KNEW!
I shrugged it off, in hopes that we would maybe get close over having our babies at similar times, but once we had our babies she started trying to compete with me. Which really messed with my head. It made me want to compete too, but then I sat back and thought why the heck am I doing this? I don’t care. My babies are healthy and happy and that’s all that matters. But to this day she’s still trying to compete.

And fast forward to last autumn, I had an ectopic pregnancy that I had to have surgery for and that resulted in sepsis. It was the most traumatic time of my life. We had asked my partners mum to come over and help me with the kids after I was discharged from hospital. (All my family were on holiday and couldn’t come back yet and my partner had just received a promotion and couldn’t get the first 2 days of me being back home off but they agreed they would let him have the next week off after that to help). (Side note, I had to sign a hospital form to say I would have another adult with me at all times I case of emergency) So he asked his mum to come look after me and she came the first day, but 5 minutes before my partner was due to leave for work the second day, he got a call from his mum saying she wasn’t coming through because his sister said that when she had sepsis his mum didn’t look after her, so why should she come help me. That hurt.

He was so annoyed and I just had to get on with the day, I wasn’t meant to lift my kids or stand on my feet too much but I had to. Which then made my recovery harder. My partner managed to get out of work early because I was struggling so much, luckily he was then off for the next week to help me but we were both so hurt. His whole family fell out with us over this, his sister caused such a commotion and turned his mum against us and we didn’t speak to them for months.
My partner resolved things with them but to this day I never got any apologies. Just the words still repeating in my head “what’s the difference from losing this baby, to the others”

Now, as I was saying we recently got engaged, everyone was very the moon. But when my partner called his sister she replied with “aw that’s nice” and then blocked me on every social media. I am so hurt
I just don’t know what to do. I don’t think I can live like this, I’m walking on egg shells whenever she’s around
My partner is so annoyed at her too

And to top it all off before she blocked me she used her mum to ask me if she could use my travel cot for her holiday in two weeks!!!

Are you OK?

It all sounds a bit Eastenders and suffocating OP. What are your and DP’s long term goals? Is there a reason why he doesn’t drive? Living in a village and not driving must limit the career options for you both? Have a goal, better jobs, learn to drive, move up and away from his frankly chavvy sounding family. Yes SIL will hate you for it (it sounds like she is beyond jealous and bitter, but I suspect she would hate anyone that she doesn’t feel equal to, so it’s not personal).

Your SIL is holding everyone hostage with her tantrums by the sound of it, your MIL, other SIL and your DP to an extent but it will only happen if you allow it. By the way, it will drive her crazy if you blank her and things will get worse for a while, but hopefully the others will be inspired by you and less likely to put up with her shit. AND DON’T LET HER COME TO YOUR HOUSE ANYMORE!

I hope you said no to SIL borrowing the travel cot?

How old is your DS who has noticed the tension and is asking you about it ?

You’ve got to be very strong here and stop biting the bait and getting drawn in.

Lend her your travel cot and don’t stoop to her level.

Head high and stop occupying your brain with all the drama.

Drop the rope.

Get married away from the lot of them. If the MIL is so desperate to attend and enjoy your wedding, it's for her to get it sorted within the family and she never has.

I would be turning my back on the lot of them and keeping my kids away from them too. You have discovered that SIL has been bad mouthing you behind your back. It's not a stretch that she will drip into the ears of your DC too.

Don't pass this stuff on to the next generation. Be strong and find anger.

There are some battles you cannot win.

My SIL hates me too. She's actually DH's brother's wife, but he has decided to back his wife so the relationship with him has been ruined too. I think that makes it easier (even though it's still really horrible) because now my PIL hate her too, whereas if she was their daughter they wouldn't want to admit that she is the problem.

Some people just thrive on conflict and decide to cause trouble in the family for no reason. You will never win a fight with those people because their aim is not for there to be a winner and a loser, their aim is to continue the fight indefinitely and drag everyone down with them. The best solution is to completely grey rock them. Be polite, say hello and goodbye, don't rise to any provocation.

If you think she would ruin your wedding then an elopement seems like a good option. If your families hate each other then it sounds like just not inviting her wouldn't be the solution because there would be a high risk of it all blowing up anyway.

As others have said...just go NC.
You'll feel a lot less hassled by having to see her. If she's there at ils just ignore her.
Don't phone txt or communicate..be like she doesn't exist.
Just be careful how much info you give mil...it will get passed on and you don't want it used against you

God, it sounds like EastEnders. Do adults really behave like this?

insanity.

I’d go no contact with your SIL and her kids. Shame, but she has brought it on herself.

Don’t trust your MIL or tell her anything.

Move away ASAP. This dynamic is really unhealthy.

Focus on socialising with other people and your family.

I’d maybe postpone the wedding for a bit. Could you really cope with this for the rest of your life?

To play devils advocate, as she sounds very jealous. Do you come from a posh family? Do you speak differently to her? Have you got what she’s always wanted?

Not excusing her behaviour but just trying to understand it a bit more. I find it helps me understand it’s more about them and not me.

Long story short, you will only start to feel better when you accept that nothing you can do will change her opinion of you and then let her crack on with it.

Similar thing happened to us; we did invite SIL to the wedding but only if she wanted to sort things out once and for all and move forward. She did not.

So she didnt come, MIL blamed me for the whole thing, again, accepted she would back her daughter 100% and then let them both crack on with it. No contact now with SIL and minimal on my part with MIL.

Ultimately I think its sad as they have missed our two children growing up completely and they have no relationship with them at all, but they have missed out massively. I would have loved it to be different but as someone else said above, some people thrive on conflict. The SIL has fallen out with everyone in their side of the family at some point over the last few years and honestly its exhausting so are quite glad to be out of it.

If she is there at your wedding you wont relax, you'll be waiting for something to happen and even if it goes without a hitch you will have been potentially tense all day.

It took a long time but I am now indifferent to SIL and at best sad about MIL and FIL as we did get on at one point but ultimately she drew a very large line in sand in a revelatory conversation about how I would never take her son away from her and now they don't feature much in our lives. Mostly I am sad that MIL and FIL don't have as close a relationship with their son as they used to (very much his choice) or grandkids as a result.

He’s 3 and a half, if we’ve been to see them and she’s blanked me he come home and asks “aunty … don’t like you?”

This.
The elopement sounds like a great idea, just you, your man and your children. And then a big party, she can ruin that if she wants, but you will still have wonderful memories of your special day.
A friend eloped with his partner and their children. They went away for a long weekend and got hitched while they were there.The kids were thrilled that they got to be the only 'guests' and they then had a party a few weeks later.

This all sounds overwhelming. You're only 24, have had 3 children, multiple losses and an ectopic pregnancy resulting in sepsis. I think you and your partner just need to have a quiet wedding away from the family issues, and work on recovering and building your little family together.

I always tried to give SIL the benefit of the doubt because she was in a very toxic relationship the first few years of my relationship. He’s long gone now and she’s in a good relationship.

we do have different families, while I started growing up in a council estate my mum then started her own business and met my step dad and we moved into a lovely cottage. I was made to start working at the age of 14 and start paying rent to learn the value of money and what not and my partner grew up on a council estate in the exact same village that they are now, FIL worked and MIL was a stay at home mum. Even though they struggled. Now both SIL don’t work and live in council estate whereas I saved all my money from working and by the time I was 19 I had enough money for the deposit on my house by myself. I feel they think my family are posh and snobby but I think we are just hard workers and don’t rely on benefits. We have different life styles. I think it annoys them that DH followed my lead rather than when he was 19 they said he should go on benefits when he was perfectly capable of getting a job. So thankfully he got a job. They just don’t seem to be very motivational parents

This sounds like a very insular community, plagued by lack of aspiration. I think if I were you, I’d want better for my children, and I’d be moving the fuck away from this weird village, where people’s lives are so small and they’re so bored they have ludicrous feuds with people over nothing.

It sounds like they’re scapegoating you for their own inadequacies.

Take a massive step back from them, you need to stop looking for their approval / familial affection, they will never change.

Yes, you need to move away.

There is nothing to be done with a personality such as this, as I know from experience. The only thing to do is step away with dignity, see as little of her as possible, and if you do have to be in a room with her, grey rock. Give her nothing, no emotion, no response. Drill yourself in how to respond using the grey rock (non-defensive) method of communication and practice until you have it off-pat. I can also thoroughly recommend Susan Forward's excellent book, Toxic In-Laws. It's a game-changer and could even be a relationship-saver.

Your fiance can make his own decisions respecting his family and you should on no account interfere with these. This doesn't mean you're not at liberty to decide for yourself who you do and don't wish to see. You are entitled to make your first concern the preservation of your own wellbeing and mental health, and that of your children. On the same footing, you should both have an equal say in where you live, and if one option is unsatisfactory to the other, a compromise needs to be reached.

FWIW, DH and I married overseas, just the two of us, two friends and their children. We've never for one moment regretted it. I also wouldn't be loaning her my travel cot. I suspect that the odds of your ever seeing it again are slim.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

It’s all very overwhelming, I know I need to get away from it and cut contact. My family have said the same, they we should move further away.
I just don’t want to move too far because my family also live there. And they are wonderful. They have my kids one night and day every week so both my partner and I can work a nightshift and she is a teacher and cut her work week down to 4 days so she could have a whole day for them. They take them camping and do loads with them. My partner adores them and he gets on so well with my siblings.
DH cried to me recently because he has a better relationship with my family than his own.
so we just don’t want to move too far to lose the amazing support we get from my family

Perhaps they are jealous that your partner was able to move into a house that you owned by the age of 19. I'm guessing he's the same age?

He’s a year older, but yes I think that is what they are jealous about too, he’s the first in his family since his grandad to have owned a house. He bought the house with me.

Did he contribute the same as you financially?

I thought you said you bought it on your own? Anyway, a couple 19 & 20 to be able to buy their own house is unusual and I think that could be at the root of a lot of resentment.

Firm boundaries and red lines you have agreed and your husband will enforce (you don’t want the family trying to come between you).

Good luck OP

My husband won’t stand up to SIL and it has almost ended our marriage.