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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I in the wrong?

116 replies

TheCheeryGoose · 18/06/2025 09:43

Hi everyone,

I just want to know if anyone can see both sides of this story from an unbiased stand point.

So this week I went to a concert in Manchester with a friend, my boyfriend doesn’t really like me spending one on one time with quite a few of my friends as he thinks they’re a bad influence on me and that I’m someone who just goes with the flow.

(side note: I don’t go on nights out anymore, I don’t drink anymore and I have never taken drugs in my life. He didn’t like when we met and I was going on nights out, I respected that and stopped them)

initially going to this concert was three of us, someone dropped out and I was afraid to tell him that there were now only two of us going. So I didn’t tell him. I’d paid a lot of money to go. I went and watched the show, didn’t go out afterwards and went back to the hotel. Our communication was great while I was there and everything seemed fine, we were messaging about dinner plans. He then called me when I got home and asked me why I’d lied about going just the two of us. I apologised and explained that I was afraid to tell him and to cause an argument when we’d been getting along so well. I was trying to explain that I didn’t feel trusted and that I’ve pulled back on going out with friends through not upsetting him, to which he responds, “if you want to live that life that’s fine, but that’s not for me” he made comments about my outfit to go in the first place which by the way was very reserved and when my friends do make plans that involve trips, I pull back because I know me going will cause big problems.

I know I was wrong for lying about it and I apologised a million times while still trying to explain why I did it. I get it because if the shoe was on the other foot, I’d also feel betrayed. One minute he’s understanding, the next minute he’s angry. Says he needs some time to come to terms with it.

am I wrong for feeling upset and what do I do next?

OP posts:
Sofiewoo · 18/06/2025 09:46

(side note: I don’t go on nights out anymore, I don’t drink anymore and I have never taken drugs in my life. He didn’t like when we met and I was going on nights out, I respected that and stopped them)

Red flag 🚩

Your boyfriend is controlling you and limiting your social circle for a reason. Bin.

Mountainormolehills · 18/06/2025 09:46

He sounds very controlling - he can not like going out but why should he decide if you do? Policing your outfits isn’t on either.

Eyesopenwideawake · 18/06/2025 09:50

What do you do next? You tell him to fuck off.

MarimarD · 18/06/2025 09:50

You shouldn't be afraid to tell your partner anything.

Please please please get out of this relationship before it gets more serious.

He will not change. It will not get better.

rainbowstardrops · 18/06/2025 09:52

The hills are that way >>> run for them

Brefugee · 18/06/2025 09:52

What do you do next? that depends if you want to stay in a controlling relationship where you are afraid to tell your bf things in case he explodes.

If that's for you, stay in the relationship. If not? extract yourself soonest.

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 18/06/2025 09:52

You could have gone wearing a g string bikini with just a male friend and it's absolutely nothing to do with him.

Get rid op before you aren't even 'allowed' a phone...

Parky04 · 18/06/2025 09:53

Fuck me, bin the cunt. I have nothing further to add!

Thaawtsom · 18/06/2025 09:54

Er, no. It's concerning you are even considering you might be in the wrong.

Daleksatemyshed · 18/06/2025 09:54

Do you want a life where you either do nothing or have to lie to go out because that's not on. He'll control more and more Op, leave him before you end up wasting years of your life

MounjaroMounjaro · 18/06/2025 09:55

He's awful, OP. He's trying to restrict your life to suit his mental health issues. This won't get any better and you need to leave him.

TeenLifeMum · 18/06/2025 09:55

You’re a grown up and can go out with whoever the hell you want! I love and respect dh but he’s not my dad and if I want to go on a drunken night out I can (I don’t anymore because I’m older and can’t do hangovers - but this is my choice!). This isn’t a healthy relationship and you don’t need to apologise to him.

Bunniesnotbullies · 18/06/2025 09:55

I apologised a million times while still trying to explain why I did it.

He understands fine. He wants you to be in this turmoil. It suits him that you're confused, hence the understanding/angry pattern. He is controlling this narrative.

Stop trying to get him to understand. If he tries to keep it going just tell him, calmly, that you're not going to explain yourself anymore.

The more you try and explain, the more of yourself you share with him, the more he has to work with against you and the lower your self esteem will get.

You lied because you knew there would be consequences for going to a concert with one friend. What does that tell you @TheCheeryGoose ?

vodkaredbullgirl · 18/06/2025 09:58

Run 🚩

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 18/06/2025 09:59

You need to lose the boyfriend now as he will make your world smaller and smaller and smaller until you are trapped and miserable.
You didn't "lie" - the plans just changed! Do you need to update him everything you breathe?!
Please, I beg you, watch this BBC drama as it shows how these things escalate. The second I read your post it reminded me of it, how the main character had to hide what she was wearing when she saw her friends.

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music that you love, upload original content and share it all with friends, family and the world on YouTube.

https://youtu.be/gxMS9NlJy-I?si=0NGPIv6tOwFSVpKs

notacooldad · 18/06/2025 10:01

So this week I went to a concert in Manchester with a friend, my boyfriend doesn’t really like me spending one on one time with quite a few of my friends as he thinks they’re a bad influence on me and that I’m someone who just goes with the flow

Having a boyfriend that doesn't like me spending time with my friends would be enough for me to leg it out of the relationship.

There are a couple of friends my DH isn't keen on and I get why. However in 35 years he has never suggested who I can and cannot see, he has not criticised them or said what I can or can't wear.

You are lying to him so he won't get angry us neverr going to end well. You are going to ha e to continue to lie as he makes your world smaller or have absolutely o life, no friends, no freedom, no choices to try to keep him happy ( which will never happen, he will always put demands on you).
Do you want to be controlled for the rest of your days with him.

Control ( aka abuse) escalates and becomes more frequent.
He has fired several warning shots that you have ignored.

Listen to yourself, a million times apologising for doing something normal but you had to lie about it.
Seriously, is that what you want from a partner?

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 18/06/2025 10:01

How old are you? You sound extremely vulnerable. Please educate yourself on domestic abuse and coercive control.

Mauvehoodie · 18/06/2025 10:09

I read the first couple of paragraphs and already knew you weren't in the wrong. He's controlling and you shouldn't have to not drink, wear different clothes, stop nights out etc. They're all normal things to do in a relationship or single! I would let him know that you're incompatible and need to split. He will promise all the changes in the world at that point though but please don't believe him and go on and live your life. You won't have to make changes to who you are or who you see with the right man.

You wouldn't have lied if he hadn't been controlling and unreasonable so don't let him twist that one.

Eric1964 · 18/06/2025 10:14

@TheCheeryGoose "(side note: I don’t go on nights out anymore, I don’t drink anymore and I have never taken drugs in my life. He didn’t like when we met and I was going on nights out, I respected that and stopped them)"

Get rid of him. If you're struggling to do that, talk to someone about this, someone you trust who'll support you through the process. He's a manbaby.

andfinallyhereweare · 18/06/2025 10:19

more red flags than a communist rally.

run, you should never be afraid to tell your partner something as mundane as a friend dropped out of plans… it’s really not normal op. Honestly.

MagnifyingLass · 18/06/2025 10:32

This isn't normal or acceptable OP. Imagine living your whole life walking on eggshells, with the situation gradually getting worse, not better. That's how it's going to be if you continue this relationship. I'm guessing you're quite young.
You need to stop this now. He's not a good man.

notacooldad · 18/06/2025 10:34

He's a manbaby.
He is much worse than that.

Starlight1984 · 18/06/2025 10:38

He didn’t like when we met and I was going on nights out, I respected that and stopped them.

Initially going to this concert was three of us, someone dropped out and I was afraid to tell him that there were now only two of us going.

He's controlling you. Not much more to say. It will 100% get worse unless you end it.

UrbanFan · 18/06/2025 10:40

Run away from him now. He's a control freak and it will get worse. Do not stay with him.

BitOutOfPractice · 18/06/2025 10:41

This is so clearly a case of a controlling man that I don’t know what else to say.

he sounds absolutely vile. He is controlling you. You need to leave him alone

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