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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I in the wrong?

116 replies

TheCheeryGoose · 18/06/2025 09:43

Hi everyone,

I just want to know if anyone can see both sides of this story from an unbiased stand point.

So this week I went to a concert in Manchester with a friend, my boyfriend doesn’t really like me spending one on one time with quite a few of my friends as he thinks they’re a bad influence on me and that I’m someone who just goes with the flow.

(side note: I don’t go on nights out anymore, I don’t drink anymore and I have never taken drugs in my life. He didn’t like when we met and I was going on nights out, I respected that and stopped them)

initially going to this concert was three of us, someone dropped out and I was afraid to tell him that there were now only two of us going. So I didn’t tell him. I’d paid a lot of money to go. I went and watched the show, didn’t go out afterwards and went back to the hotel. Our communication was great while I was there and everything seemed fine, we were messaging about dinner plans. He then called me when I got home and asked me why I’d lied about going just the two of us. I apologised and explained that I was afraid to tell him and to cause an argument when we’d been getting along so well. I was trying to explain that I didn’t feel trusted and that I’ve pulled back on going out with friends through not upsetting him, to which he responds, “if you want to live that life that’s fine, but that’s not for me” he made comments about my outfit to go in the first place which by the way was very reserved and when my friends do make plans that involve trips, I pull back because I know me going will cause big problems.

I know I was wrong for lying about it and I apologised a million times while still trying to explain why I did it. I get it because if the shoe was on the other foot, I’d also feel betrayed. One minute he’s understanding, the next minute he’s angry. Says he needs some time to come to terms with it.

am I wrong for feeling upset and what do I do next?

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 18/06/2025 10:49

You should be able to be yourself without any of these worries. This is a good opportunity to let him go and you can find someone who doesn't make you feel this way.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/06/2025 10:51

How old are you, early 20s?.

This man is a controller and such behaviour is abusive in nature. The relationship should now be at an end. It needs to be over because your life otherwise is further going to shrink down to zero sum, you feeling unable to see anyone including family and with you afraid of your own shadow.

Re your comment

"So this week I went to a concert in Manchester with a friend, my boyfriend doesn’t really like me spending one on one time with quite a few of my friends as he thinks they’re a bad influence on me and that I’m someone who just goes with the flow.
(side note: I don’t go on nights out anymore, I don’t drink anymore and I have never taken drugs in my life. He didn’t like when we met and I was going on nights out, I respected that and stopped them)"

Why did you so readily agree to any of these conditions imposed by him?. Its one rule for him (i.e he can go out and see who he pleases) but another rule to you (you cannot go out and you will in the end not go out at all due to the rows) .

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Your own boundaries are poor in relationships and that likely also attracted him to you. He targeted you and deliberately so in order to abuse you. And that is what he is doing now.

Do read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. Your man is in those pages.

ginasevern · 18/06/2025 10:55

C'mon OP. Being afraid to go anywhere without him, cutting you off from your friends, being afraid to drink anymore. How does that sound to you? Because to everyone else it sounds fucking insane. Christ, I think even Victorian women had slightly more agency. You know it will only get worse don't you. Next stop Gilead.

TreeDudette · 18/06/2025 10:56

This has more red flags than a cuban parade.

Your boyfriend is controlling and it WILL get worse. You need to leave him now for your own sanity. Do some googling, get soem therapy, leave the abusive boyfriend!

MageQueen · 18/06/2025 10:58

You need to run as far and as fast as you can, before you are tied to this man by mortgages and babies and families.

He is abusive and controlling and if he's htis bad now, I dread to think how bad it will be in a few years time.

No man has th eright to tell you you can't go out, that you can't party, that you can't see friends. No man can tell you what to wear or who you can be friends with. If you want to enjoy a drink, go for it. If you want to wear a short skirt, enjoy. If you have 3 best friends you love, spend time with them.

And do not, under any circumstances, accept responsibility for HIS feelings as a result of you doing perfectly normal things. If it makes HIM sad - that's on him.

But really, just leave. Please. I beg you. Leave NOW.

2024onwardsandup · 18/06/2025 11:01

Eyesopenwideawake · 18/06/2025 09:50

What do you do next? You tell him to fuck off.

This

hes awful OP - why on earth does he get to decide what you do?

bin him

icameonholidaybyaccident · 18/06/2025 11:06

He is not good for you. He shouldn’t be trying to control you this way. If you stay with him your life will keep getting smaller and smaller because the insecurities that are motivating his demands will stay unresolved and so he’ll keep moving the goalposts narrower and narrower in an attempt to feel secure. I’ve just ended things with a man like this who after 2-3yrs was still making up rivals and misinterpreting innocent comments despite me shrinking my social works and doing nothing whatsoever to create or justify his suspicions. Leave him, for your future self.

DaisyChain505 · 18/06/2025 11:10

Your boyfriend is controlling and abusive and this will only get worse the longer you’re together.

Your boyfriend should not be dictating to you who you spend your time with. You are your own individual person who is responsible for their own actions. Who you choose to spend your time is up to you. He is just trying to control you.

Sassybooklover · 18/06/2025 11:11

I had a boyfriend like this in my early 20's. He didn't like me going out with my friends, accused me of 'looking at other men' if we went out together, thought other men were 'eyeing me up', didn't like my outfit choices etc. Your friends aren't a 'bad influence' at all, that's just an excuse he uses to control you. He's telling how you can dress, dislikes you socialising, dislikes you going out, dislikes other men around you....need I go on?! He's controlling you, and I speak from experience when I say it will only get worse. My boyfriend was an incredibly good looking man, but he was deeply insecure and not a very confident person. I used to go out with my boyfriend and look at the ground, in case I got accused of 'looking at other men' or worse he accused a poor random man of looking at me!! You need to end this relationship, no one has the right to police your friends, stop you socialising, having the odd drink or wearing what you want! No one. I ended my relationship, before it dragged me down and left me with no self-esteem.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 18/06/2025 11:15

". He didn’t like when we met and I was going on nights out, I respected that and stopped them"

Why the fuck didn't you run a mile at this point?

Your boyfriend is a controlling abuser, and you need to get out now.

CuriousKangaroo · 18/06/2025 11:22

I know this will be hard to hear, OP, but you are in an abusive relationship. I do not say that lightly. Your boyfriend is deliberately isolating you from friends and family, making it harder for them to be able to point it out to you directly. He is controlling whether you go out, when you got out, who with and what you wear. He is making you feel bad and apologise for things you have no need to apologise for.

None of this is normal. None of this is good. And it will get worse and worse. You need to end this relationship as soon as possible. I suggest you do the Freedom Programme in the first instance. It might help open your eyes to the situation you are in. I promise you, you deserve better.

Tortielady · 18/06/2025 11:28

Good heavens. The red flags coming from this fellow would cover the playing surface at Old Trafford. You don't say how old you both are, but my DH and I are in our sixties and DH didn't act like yours does when he was 25 and wouldn't now, even in a world with the internet, social media and apparently loads of opportunities for shenanigans. He has more interesting things to do!

You are doing perfectly normal things and your bf is grilling you at every turn and calling your friends "a bad influence" as if he's your parent and you're an errant 14 year old. Assuming you're over 18, (and if you're not, that's a whole other thread) you have autonomy, choice and responsibility for your choices. For him to try to isolate you from your own life is the height of presumption and very dangerous. Dumpster time OP, before it gets worse.

BestofLuck · 18/06/2025 11:30

I echo what’s been said.

Get out.

You haven’t done anything wrong. You should never be made to feel small or feel the need to stop doing things you enjoy due to someone else. His insecurities are for him to deal with not you.

Meandmyguy · 18/06/2025 11:31

Get rid of him.

YesHonestly · 18/06/2025 11:34

He is controlling you, and control is a form of abuse.

Please leave, this will get worse not better.

Todaytodaytodaytoday · 18/06/2025 11:44

I have been married for 20 plus years and my husband has never once told me I can't go out with any friend or friends, regardless of the number. He trusts me completely as I trust him. For that reason we don't need to lie to each other. Ours is a healthy relationship and I am sorry to say that yours is not, so my advice is to find a different partner. I'm sorry if that isn't what you want to hear.

partyboat356 · 18/06/2025 12:41

Who died an proclaimed this man King?

GuevarasBeret · 18/06/2025 12:44

You’re wrong to still be in a relationship with this absolute loser.

YodasHairyButt · 18/06/2025 12:45

Eyesopenwideawake · 18/06/2025 09:50

What do you do next? You tell him to fuck off.

This 👆 with bells on.

MrsSkylerWhite · 18/06/2025 12:57

Didn’t need to read any further than “I was afraid to tell him …”

You have to understand that this is incredibly unhealthy. Get out now.

MounjaroMounjaro · 18/06/2025 12:58

@ItsFridayIminLoveJS Wrong thread?

HollyBerryz · 18/06/2025 12:58

Dump him he's a controlling idiot

CleanShirt · 18/06/2025 12:59

Parky04 · 18/06/2025 09:53

Fuck me, bin the cunt. I have nothing further to add!

Words out of my mouth!

Piffle11 · 18/06/2025 13:03

Of course you’re not in the wrong! He’s very controlling. I actually had this with my previous relationship: didn’t like me going out with my friend, and once he got so upset that I actually didn’t go. Well, that kind of set a precedent, and the next time I tried to go out with her, he did the same thing. But obviously this time it didn’t work as I really wanted to go. He would get more and more controlling, and nastier and nastier, constantly suggesting I was up to something - We weren’t even going out drinking, we were going out for dinner.. My friend would even pick me up, but he still didn’t believe that I wasn’t up to something. I was in my 30s at this point, and he was five years older, so not as if we were insecure kids.

I would advise you to end this relationship. No matter what he says, he’s never going to trust you, he’s never going to believe you, and he’s not going to get better. In fact if anything, he will get worse and more controlling as time goes on.