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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I in the wrong?

116 replies

TheCheeryGoose · 18/06/2025 09:43

Hi everyone,

I just want to know if anyone can see both sides of this story from an unbiased stand point.

So this week I went to a concert in Manchester with a friend, my boyfriend doesn’t really like me spending one on one time with quite a few of my friends as he thinks they’re a bad influence on me and that I’m someone who just goes with the flow.

(side note: I don’t go on nights out anymore, I don’t drink anymore and I have never taken drugs in my life. He didn’t like when we met and I was going on nights out, I respected that and stopped them)

initially going to this concert was three of us, someone dropped out and I was afraid to tell him that there were now only two of us going. So I didn’t tell him. I’d paid a lot of money to go. I went and watched the show, didn’t go out afterwards and went back to the hotel. Our communication was great while I was there and everything seemed fine, we were messaging about dinner plans. He then called me when I got home and asked me why I’d lied about going just the two of us. I apologised and explained that I was afraid to tell him and to cause an argument when we’d been getting along so well. I was trying to explain that I didn’t feel trusted and that I’ve pulled back on going out with friends through not upsetting him, to which he responds, “if you want to live that life that’s fine, but that’s not for me” he made comments about my outfit to go in the first place which by the way was very reserved and when my friends do make plans that involve trips, I pull back because I know me going will cause big problems.

I know I was wrong for lying about it and I apologised a million times while still trying to explain why I did it. I get it because if the shoe was on the other foot, I’d also feel betrayed. One minute he’s understanding, the next minute he’s angry. Says he needs some time to come to terms with it.

am I wrong for feeling upset and what do I do next?

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 19/06/2025 00:10

What you do next is break up with this controlling unreasonable guy. This is not how healthy relationships work.

Devianinc · 19/06/2025 00:43

What does he give you that’s so great. You’re not even married and he’s telling you what to do. Is he your father. Do you accept him telling you what you can and cannot do. This stuff doesn’t get better when you get married. Then he really thinks he owns you. I’m trying to figure out why you would accept that from anybody, never mind just a boyfriend. Your not a piece of property.

legolegoeverywhereandnotadroptodrink · 19/06/2025 06:55

Two words. Coercive and controlling

red flag

lonelylou09 · 19/06/2025 08:30

OP you are in an abusive controlling relationship. Seek proper professional help and advice and end the relationship now for your own safety and happiness.

WaltzingWaters · 19/06/2025 08:49

What Do you do next? You break up with him. He’s incredibly controlling. It’ll only get worse until you see no friends as it causes too many issues for you, and you’re completely isolated from everybody but him, making him free to abuse you further.
Run.

Snakebite61 · 19/06/2025 09:19

TheCheeryGoose · 18/06/2025 09:43

Hi everyone,

I just want to know if anyone can see both sides of this story from an unbiased stand point.

So this week I went to a concert in Manchester with a friend, my boyfriend doesn’t really like me spending one on one time with quite a few of my friends as he thinks they’re a bad influence on me and that I’m someone who just goes with the flow.

(side note: I don’t go on nights out anymore, I don’t drink anymore and I have never taken drugs in my life. He didn’t like when we met and I was going on nights out, I respected that and stopped them)

initially going to this concert was three of us, someone dropped out and I was afraid to tell him that there were now only two of us going. So I didn’t tell him. I’d paid a lot of money to go. I went and watched the show, didn’t go out afterwards and went back to the hotel. Our communication was great while I was there and everything seemed fine, we were messaging about dinner plans. He then called me when I got home and asked me why I’d lied about going just the two of us. I apologised and explained that I was afraid to tell him and to cause an argument when we’d been getting along so well. I was trying to explain that I didn’t feel trusted and that I’ve pulled back on going out with friends through not upsetting him, to which he responds, “if you want to live that life that’s fine, but that’s not for me” he made comments about my outfit to go in the first place which by the way was very reserved and when my friends do make plans that involve trips, I pull back because I know me going will cause big problems.

I know I was wrong for lying about it and I apologised a million times while still trying to explain why I did it. I get it because if the shoe was on the other foot, I’d also feel betrayed. One minute he’s understanding, the next minute he’s angry. Says he needs some time to come to terms with it.

am I wrong for feeling upset and what do I do next?

Jeeze, end the relationship now.

Swedemom · 19/06/2025 10:06

Count the red flags:

  1. He doesn't like your friends.
  2. He doesn't trust you
  3. He doesn't trust your friends.
  4. He doesn't like you spending time with your friends
  5. You are afraid of him so you feel the need to lie to him
  6. You have limitided your life to appeace him.
  7. He thinks you are stupid and can't take care of yourself.
  8. He made comments about your clothes that made you second guess yourself.

Honey, just one of these are enough to break up with him. You should not have to break yourself to be accepted by someone. He does not love you, he just wants to control you. Leave him and stay single for a while working on yourself so you don't end up in this situation again.

Oldwmn · 19/06/2025 11:13

TheCheeryGoose · 18/06/2025 09:43

Hi everyone,

I just want to know if anyone can see both sides of this story from an unbiased stand point.

So this week I went to a concert in Manchester with a friend, my boyfriend doesn’t really like me spending one on one time with quite a few of my friends as he thinks they’re a bad influence on me and that I’m someone who just goes with the flow.

(side note: I don’t go on nights out anymore, I don’t drink anymore and I have never taken drugs in my life. He didn’t like when we met and I was going on nights out, I respected that and stopped them)

initially going to this concert was three of us, someone dropped out and I was afraid to tell him that there were now only two of us going. So I didn’t tell him. I’d paid a lot of money to go. I went and watched the show, didn’t go out afterwards and went back to the hotel. Our communication was great while I was there and everything seemed fine, we were messaging about dinner plans. He then called me when I got home and asked me why I’d lied about going just the two of us. I apologised and explained that I was afraid to tell him and to cause an argument when we’d been getting along so well. I was trying to explain that I didn’t feel trusted and that I’ve pulled back on going out with friends through not upsetting him, to which he responds, “if you want to live that life that’s fine, but that’s not for me” he made comments about my outfit to go in the first place which by the way was very reserved and when my friends do make plans that involve trips, I pull back because I know me going will cause big problems.

I know I was wrong for lying about it and I apologised a million times while still trying to explain why I did it. I get it because if the shoe was on the other foot, I’d also feel betrayed. One minute he’s understanding, the next minute he’s angry. Says he needs some time to come to terms with it.

am I wrong for feeling upset and what do I do next?

Get rid as fast as possible. It's not normal to try & control someone like this. He will get worse & worse.

OliveSeal · 19/06/2025 14:34

You should NEVER have to walk on egg shells around a man over such trivial things. You are just living your life spending time with friends. If he chooses to restrict your life instead of getting help for his unreasonable behaviour, he is potentially dangerous to be around.

RavenhairedRachel · 19/06/2025 16:21

He sounds like a control freak dump him before it's too late

BonneMaman77 · 19/06/2025 16:33

am I wrong for feeling upset and what do I do next?

What are you upset about? You should first and foremost be upset with him for controlling you: losing friends, changing your friends’ dynamics, changing you as a person. In healthy relationships you don’t force your partner to change nor do you change who you are for a partner. Such relationships don’t last because resentment kicks in or you get a kick up the arse where you won’t recognise yourself. On the side of the controller, they lose interest once the target become a fully flat doormat or worse, finds new ways to control you.

What you do next is to read and read and reflect on what you’ve written here. Realise that the fact that you are here alive means you are here to live your life on your own terms. And believe in yourself and leave him. Go back to your friends get your life back.

Anonusername1234 · 19/06/2025 16:37

It’s desperately sad you have not returned to this thread.

You are not in a safe relationship. You need to get out fast. A few weeks pain now is infinitely better than a lifetime with a controlling, coercive bully.

Goditsmemargaret · 19/06/2025 17:52

You are not his possession. He is not in charge of you. Leave this relationship before it destroys you.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 19/06/2025 18:52

TheCheeryGoose · 18/06/2025 09:43

Hi everyone,

I just want to know if anyone can see both sides of this story from an unbiased stand point.

So this week I went to a concert in Manchester with a friend, my boyfriend doesn’t really like me spending one on one time with quite a few of my friends as he thinks they’re a bad influence on me and that I’m someone who just goes with the flow.

(side note: I don’t go on nights out anymore, I don’t drink anymore and I have never taken drugs in my life. He didn’t like when we met and I was going on nights out, I respected that and stopped them)

initially going to this concert was three of us, someone dropped out and I was afraid to tell him that there were now only two of us going. So I didn’t tell him. I’d paid a lot of money to go. I went and watched the show, didn’t go out afterwards and went back to the hotel. Our communication was great while I was there and everything seemed fine, we were messaging about dinner plans. He then called me when I got home and asked me why I’d lied about going just the two of us. I apologised and explained that I was afraid to tell him and to cause an argument when we’d been getting along so well. I was trying to explain that I didn’t feel trusted and that I’ve pulled back on going out with friends through not upsetting him, to which he responds, “if you want to live that life that’s fine, but that’s not for me” he made comments about my outfit to go in the first place which by the way was very reserved and when my friends do make plans that involve trips, I pull back because I know me going will cause big problems.

I know I was wrong for lying about it and I apologised a million times while still trying to explain why I did it. I get it because if the shoe was on the other foot, I’d also feel betrayed. One minute he’s understanding, the next minute he’s angry. Says he needs some time to come to terms with it.

am I wrong for feeling upset and what do I do next?

You're not wrong for feeling upset darling. He sounds horrible.
He wants to control your life and change things about you and the way you lived before he came and brought his controlling narcissistic arse to your life.

You dump him is what you do next luv.
Better to be single than with the wrong person.
Be with someone who wants to go out with you and does like your friends because there is someone like that out here for you x

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 19/06/2025 18:53

BonneMaman77 · 19/06/2025 16:33

am I wrong for feeling upset and what do I do next?

What are you upset about? You should first and foremost be upset with him for controlling you: losing friends, changing your friends’ dynamics, changing you as a person. In healthy relationships you don’t force your partner to change nor do you change who you are for a partner. Such relationships don’t last because resentment kicks in or you get a kick up the arse where you won’t recognise yourself. On the side of the controller, they lose interest once the target become a fully flat doormat or worse, finds new ways to control you.

What you do next is to read and read and reflect on what you’ve written here. Realise that the fact that you are here alive means you are here to live your life on your own terms. And believe in yourself and leave him. Go back to your friends get your life back.

Agreed and also OP, what would you advise a friend?

Bananalanacake · 20/06/2025 10:59

You stopped going out with friends when you met him, can't you see how wrong that is.
Don't ever let him move in with you,

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