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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I in the wrong?

116 replies

TheCheeryGoose · 18/06/2025 09:43

Hi everyone,

I just want to know if anyone can see both sides of this story from an unbiased stand point.

So this week I went to a concert in Manchester with a friend, my boyfriend doesn’t really like me spending one on one time with quite a few of my friends as he thinks they’re a bad influence on me and that I’m someone who just goes with the flow.

(side note: I don’t go on nights out anymore, I don’t drink anymore and I have never taken drugs in my life. He didn’t like when we met and I was going on nights out, I respected that and stopped them)

initially going to this concert was three of us, someone dropped out and I was afraid to tell him that there were now only two of us going. So I didn’t tell him. I’d paid a lot of money to go. I went and watched the show, didn’t go out afterwards and went back to the hotel. Our communication was great while I was there and everything seemed fine, we were messaging about dinner plans. He then called me when I got home and asked me why I’d lied about going just the two of us. I apologised and explained that I was afraid to tell him and to cause an argument when we’d been getting along so well. I was trying to explain that I didn’t feel trusted and that I’ve pulled back on going out with friends through not upsetting him, to which he responds, “if you want to live that life that’s fine, but that’s not for me” he made comments about my outfit to go in the first place which by the way was very reserved and when my friends do make plans that involve trips, I pull back because I know me going will cause big problems.

I know I was wrong for lying about it and I apologised a million times while still trying to explain why I did it. I get it because if the shoe was on the other foot, I’d also feel betrayed. One minute he’s understanding, the next minute he’s angry. Says he needs some time to come to terms with it.

am I wrong for feeling upset and what do I do next?

OP posts:
AppleOfMyThirdEye · 18/06/2025 19:01

Your boyfriend is controlling and abusive. Get out of the relationship.

TheSlantedOwl · 18/06/2025 19:02

Wtf?! Dump this controlling man.

YoNoHeSido77 · 18/06/2025 19:18

RUN. As far as you can.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 18/06/2025 19:23

Dump him now! I was married to someone like this, I stayed because we hsd kids. It was exhausting and draining. It's not healthy, he won't change. Dump.

SugarNyx · 18/06/2025 19:27

I am genuinely baffled as to how women think it’s ok to live like this. You’re going to let a man tell you what you can and can’t do?! You’re going to let him make you small and friendless just to make him happy. You need to leave him immediately and then take some time to reflect. Make yourself a whole and happy person who doesn’t need a man. If you don’t need one, then when one does come along and they are good and a true partner, you’ll be in a place to know what that looks like. To set your boundaries and what it is like when they respect them. You only get one life, please never ever allow anyone to make you live it small and limited just so that they can be comfortable. It makes my heart ache that so many amazing and beautiful women are trapped with these vile and insecure men when they could be out there living a full and fulfilling life.

RareFatball · 18/06/2025 19:49

Eyesopenwideawake · 18/06/2025 09:50

What do you do next? You tell him to fuck off.

Exactly this!!!!!!

Your boyfriend is controlling you and you are accepting this behaviour. This is not grounds for a healthy and equal relationship.

AcquadiP · 18/06/2025 19:57

"If you want to live that life that’s fine, but that’s not for me”
What is he, a monk?
Get rid!

pecanpiee · 18/06/2025 19:59

Plenty of people will have said this, but when you have to hide things, that’s not the right relationship for you. Why should you stop going out?
please know your worth.

ByPeachScroller · 18/06/2025 20:07

what he’s doing is classed as coercive control. It’s a crime, and a indicter of physical abuse further down the line. He’s not the boss of you, and it’s fucked up that he thinks he is.

Airspice · 18/06/2025 20:10

This thread actually makes me feel really sad 🙁 this isn’t a relationship. My boyfriend is happy for me to go out when I want, with who I want, wearing what I want. Sometimes he’ll give me a lift there or money for a taxi to make sure I get home ok. He likes it that I have friends and thinks it’s healthy for our relationship (he has friends too and I feel the same) PLEASE leave this man.

ThistleTits · 18/06/2025 20:21

Eyesopenwideawake · 18/06/2025 09:50

What do you do next? You tell him to fuck off.

@TheCheeryGoose The only option to take with a control freak ^. The anger thing should be a major concern too, can quickly escalate to violence.

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 18/06/2025 20:27

He’s controlling and you’re enabling. Completely incompatible. Bin him off.

You shouldn’t be lying in a relationship about something so trivial, but equally you shouldn’t have to lie about something so trivial IYSWIM.

Rainbows41 · 18/06/2025 20:33

He's controlling who you hang out with, what you're wearing and what you do - does he think he owns you?
He has such tight control over your life, to the point where it's almost impossible to not do anything "wrong". And when the inevitable happens, like when your friends group plans change, this upsets him. When you apologise, this feeds his ego - with your apology not being good enough. HE then decides he needs "to come to terms with your actions" and gives you the cold shoulder.

Fuck him off.

Checkenberger · 18/06/2025 20:46

Was the concert Chris Brown? You need to raise your standards for men all around

BluntLion · 18/06/2025 20:59

Yeah...no. Major Ted Flags. He sounds very controlling. Get rid love.

Tafelberg · 18/06/2025 20:59

CuriousKangaroo · 18/06/2025 11:22

I know this will be hard to hear, OP, but you are in an abusive relationship. I do not say that lightly. Your boyfriend is deliberately isolating you from friends and family, making it harder for them to be able to point it out to you directly. He is controlling whether you go out, when you got out, who with and what you wear. He is making you feel bad and apologise for things you have no need to apologise for.

None of this is normal. None of this is good. And it will get worse and worse. You need to end this relationship as soon as possible. I suggest you do the Freedom Programme in the first instance. It might help open your eyes to the situation you are in. I promise you, you deserve better.

Please listen to and act on all the wise words from other posters, @TheCheeryGoose. I was going to write a reply but they have all put it perfectly, this one from @CuriousKangaroo in particular though sums up exactly what I would have said. Many years ago I posted about my partner at the time - I was extremely naive and had no idea I was in an abusive relationship. The kind but no-BS responses from Mumsnetters I had then were similar to those you’re receiving. It took me a while but I acted on them and have never been anything but so, so thankful that I did. Please keep posting here for support too. So many of us have been where you are and have learnt the hard way - let us help you the way others helped us.

Toptops · 18/06/2025 21:04

This is not normal, at all.
Please get out of this 'relationship' as soon as possible and lead a happy life. No anxiety!

Purplecatshopaholic · 18/06/2025 21:07

Jeezo, op. Get the hell out - he is controlling and frankly sounds potentially dangerous.

theonlygirl · 18/06/2025 21:08

what you do next is you get rid of him as fast as you can and dont look back. Please see how much you are already reducing your life to keep him happy. this will only get worse until you have nothing. no friends at all. He's horrible. You deserve better and need to understand his behaviour is wrong. 💐

Laura95167 · 18/06/2025 21:53

Read up on coercive control

Hes a bully, hes isolating you. Get out

Viviennemary · 18/06/2025 21:57

You need to get out of this toxic relationship ship. He is totally controlling and it will only get worse, how old are you?

MaryTheTurtle · 18/06/2025 22:13

You’re changing everything about yourself to fit into a vision someone else has of you. why?
Go and be with someone who wants to be with you

Gyozas · 18/06/2025 23:30

Parky04 · 18/06/2025 09:53

Fuck me, bin the cunt. I have nothing further to add!

Yes. He’s controlling and very, very abusive.

scotvic · 18/06/2025 23:48

As others have said, Please read up on coercive control. You are in a abusive relationship though you do not
seem to fully recognise this yet. It is not normal. it will not make you happy. and it may be (very) dangerous. Please make your plans as quickly as possible, and once you are sure you have a safe place to stay (preferably where he does not know where you are) please end the relationship.

Sashya · 19/06/2025 00:08

OP - please stop letting a man control you this way. You should not be afraid to tell him you are going to a concert with a friend. He should NOT dictate which friends you can go out with. This is ridiculous.