Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ND: support thread 16

[BustyLaRoux]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5299389-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-15?page=1

It sounds like she is just saying that marmite doesn’t know it’s marmite, it’s just being what it is, it’s not going to change. You either accept that or put it back. I can see what she is saying. ADHD is fundamentally who he is. It’s up to you to decide if you like it or not. Someone else may love it and not want to change it but you trying to change the marmite and it’s resistant because it can’t really be anything else. I think we can thrive with the right compatibility. Can you love him as marmite or will you only love him if he changes? Someone might not take serious the things he says seriously and brush them off or not find his impulse temper a problem. I hate to say this but I do wonder if sometimes the issue is us not being able to accept certain behaviours but also not willing to leave because of them. We also have this false belief in what people could be and we cling to this when it’s just an illusion. They are who they are. If we don’t like it why are we asking them to change? I may be wrong.

It’s different if the person is acknowledging themselves and wants to grow and be a better partner or wants to navigate life easier. But lots of this in here is partners forcing them to go. As much as they need to go to therapy most people don’t really change. We change in response.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore I can see where you would be confused by her response, I mean I get the idea you either deal with someone having ADHD or you don’t. But none of the ND diagnosis should be an excuse for shitty unpleasant behaviour. He has to accept you walk away or ignore him when he displays those behaviours. He doesn’t get to make you feel bad. Also sometimes you have to either accept negative aspects or leave. My DH when very stressed with work just sort of projects it outwards, I’ve had to work very hard on myself to remember it isn’t aimed at me and it isn’t personal, so these days I can shrug it off a bit more. I did get an apology the other day for the fact he can’t always compartmentalise, so it’s that lets me know he doesn’t intend to inflict it on me. So I guess is he prepared to try and amend his behaviour or recognise it has an impact? We can all learn and you’re not asking him to change his entire personality just to reroute his anger in some manner.

It must be horrible to not have control over your own behaviour, it must be extremely shame provoking. I can see a difference between narcs and ND. ND people are often sorry once the overwhelming situation is over, narcs aren’t. I know my daughter is sorry after she has had an outburst and said some really awful things, her whole body changes. My ex would just carry on as if the event never happened, body language happy as Larry.
ND people need an awful lot of resilience in a partner I feel.

Thank you both for explaining that to me @Pashazade and @Percypigspjs very helpful, and it makes sense to me that this is what she meant.

DH is really trying, and he was open and honest with the assessor in that he told her I find these behaviours triggering (maybe used another word) so he is aware of some of the impact, at least someofthetime.

But, it is as if he has some sort of split personality where he will switch to not being aware at all of becoming irritated/angry and will give me the full on nasty rage face and become all passive aggressive with slamming objects down etc. Then back to 'sweetness and light' 10 minutes later, when the emotion has passed. Then he either doesn't fully understand how intense he was or he choses to not accept it. I will then be the one who is unreasonable and 'grumpy' when acting affected by this, not purposely, I just kind of become numb and short of tone/unable to communicate, which he reads as grumpy but I think it's maybe a (trauma?) response to previous abuse from ex.

And yes, I have said to him (non begrudgingly) that maybe someone else would be better suited to him, who doesn't have my background and baggage and can just brush off his words/actions and not be so affected by it. I do feel guilty too, for making him feel lonely in this marriage, but I just can't get close enough anymore.

He does have some wonderful qualities and is warm, caring, attentive and thoughtful a lot of the time. It's like living with two men and I never know which one I'm going to get! Which is too reminiscent of my first marriage.

Words are extremely powerful and over time many people would be affected. It just isn’t a nice way to live!

I think that is it, I can cope day to day as there are many benefits to living together, particularly with an SN child! But in the long run, I long for peace and predictability.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore what you’re describing looks like him putting his mask back on.

So emotions/overwhelms takes hold and you see the anger, PA etc… and then as soon as he gets old of tge overwhelm/calms down a bit, he can mask again and you see smiles etc…

dh is very good at that. Esp if he knows his behaviour isn’t socially acceptable.

Getting an apology or reflecting back on what’s going on etc… is another thing altogether I think.

I hope that having a diagnosis will help him reflect back more and realise what he can do to avoid the overwhelm.
I’d phrase it like that - avoiding being overwhelmed- something thats not nice to him - rather than correcting his behaviour so he isn’t hurting you. Mainly because I suspect he isn’t trying to hurt you iyswim so saying that is likely to trigger shame and avoidance.

Thank you for that!

Plenty of stuff there I’m doing for myself anyway so I’m going to gently encourage dh to do the same. He loves baths and we have a 25kg bad of Epsom salt so that should work quite well.
And I think he’ll take stuff if I give them to him.

Funny how I have all these tools at hand because I’ve used them myself but haven’t even thought about encouraging dh to do the same 🫣🫣

It’s simply not fair, we all have needs, it becomes very toxic and resentful. I find I’m not really that nice around people who can’t meet any of my needs. They make me mad and annoyed and the only way I feel better is to not be with them.

Yes to that, it helps to think of it like that. I know he doesn't want to hurt me but it often feels like he doesn't care because he doesn't reflect on it. Deep down there is probably a lot of shame there too. He used to blow up at his dad (never his mum), who was very similar to him and also had a short fuse, but then they'd make up and hug and make jokes to lighten the mood, without necessarily apologising. And then that was that, it was all gone. Whereas I still 'sit' with the hurt.

I agree and I will make a plan for how to move forward separately, but it might take some time and careful consideration of DD.

We also have a massive tub of Epson salts 😄

Can I ask people if their partner speaks in an unusual manner? It is my adult stepson who has autism and his voice is oddly monotone. There's no rise and fall or variation in tempo. He speaks rather slowly and in a pedantic way. I know this is a feature of the condition

It may seem a trivial question but we are now estranged. (He has claimed I treated him very badly when I was young. This was a claim that came out of the blue, after his baby daughter was born) I was thinking about recent times - before the baby's birth - when I had visited him with my husband.

When I thanked him, as I left, for an enjoyable evening he would say it had been nice to see me too. But it always sounded weird. Sort of formal and forced. At the time I told myself that all his speech was slightly off.

Whereas now I am left wondering whether it was more that he was acting/masking his dislike of me, without having any real acting ability, and this is why it sounded jarring

But maybe people here have partners who sound robotic even when they genuinely mean to communicate in a positive way.

Speaking in a bit of a robotic way is not unusual for autistic people.
DH doesn’t have much intonation. And hed struggle to hide any strong dislike/anger too (esp as it’s the one emotion he does easily)

It might be masking. But autistic masking - as in Im saying what I’m supposed to say but I dint quite get why I’m supposed to say it/it feels unnecessary etc…. rather than masking any ill feelings towards you (that’s a very NT way of interpreting it)

I wish you the best in your relationships.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore

'And yes, I have said to him (non begrudgingly) that maybe someone else would be better suited to him, who doesn't have my background and baggage and can just brush off his words/actions and not be so affected by it. I do feel guilty too, for making him feel lonely in this marriage, but I just can't get close enough anymore.'

I often wondered this/still wonder with my ND ex, would he be suited to someone less affected by things. Would he better with someone else? What did your DH say to this?

That he doesn't want anyone else and wants to work on the marriage, which was partly what led to him going for the ADHD assessment. There have been little comments and digs made towards me (related to lack of closeness)
over the last few weeks that makes me question if he still wants to continue but not sure I want to have that discussion with him right now, am going to wait and see. He soet of switches from hot and cold!

Speaking in a robotic or monotone way is very common with ASD @AlteFrau I wouldn't take any offence at that.

We were watching a Simpsons episode with Elon Musk as a guest feature the other day and I hadn't realised just how autistic he sounds when he speaks!

Old timer. Found this set of threads around three years ago and started to find out what was really going on through spending time reading.

In May this year I had an operation and DH was not remotely interested in helping before during afterwards and even with a trip to A&E involving an ambulance and, 999. He went to bed, went to sleep and let my brother handle it all.

A couple of months ago, I had a full mental breakdown after realising that DH was never there for me, and that I no longer feel safe in the house with him, because our values are so fundamentally different when it comes to taking care of someone when they’re poorly, I can no longer be around him. His physical presence, even, even his voice makes me feel deeply uncomfortable. We have two children, late teens, and this is incredibly hard.

I know I have a therapist and a solicitor and I am planning my exit as soon as possible.

I thought I’d come back and post as a warning to others that you may be able to cope on autopilot for 23 years like I have, but the body keeps the score, and eventually the emotional neglect, and the physical neglect will take its toll. Don’t be like me And end up on three medications, just so you can function during the day and night and get some sleep.

you matter, your needs matter, and to keep allowing someone to always get their needs met before you get yours will lead to long-term trauma.

I am living proof.

Sorry that’s happened to you, the body does indeed keep the score. I divorced mine after years of neglect and emotional abuse.I imagined it was a new start. Instead I’ve been diagnosed with a terminal disease and will be lucky if I live for another two years. I am absolutely certain that living in a high stress situation for decades has caused this.

Thank you

I can only agree with the idea that body keeps the score….
And yes I’m ill too. Not life threatening but I’m housebound and dependent on dh…

Thats one reason why I’d advise people to leave rather than trying to make it work no matter what. Because yes dh has been neglectful and my attitude now is to assume he won’t step up.

I suppose one big difference for me is that the neglect and lack of emotional attunement from dh hasn been replicating my experience as a child. So I don’t think he caused my illness as such but that his input has been the last of a long line iyswim.

The danger is to end up where I am. Physically dependent on someone who has their own limitations. Atm I don’t feel I have any other choice but to make it work. And tbf again, I have found ways to do so.
But my advice would be to never put your health into jeopardy for the idea of marriage.

I am so very sorry to read this. My psychiatrist said that 20 years of extra adrenaline and cortisol would indeed make a body break down. I couldn’t understand why my body physically collapsed becayse it did. My mind was still in the game. Still on sodding auto pilot, thinking I’d just carry on and try and see the positives.

I absolutely believe you 100% that living under these conditions can cause all sorts of health issues, including sadly, your terminal one. It’s absolutely horrendous how much we are willing to sacrifice of Ourselves. I would suggest anyone look at the drama triangle, you can look it up online and see if you are a rescuer.

I really hope you get more than two years, you deserve a whole lifetime of happiness. If I can be of any assistance, please message me and I will look into drug trials or any latest research to help you.

I don’t know what your funds are like, but in America, they are about 5 to 10 years ahead of us in terms of licensed cancer drugs, as well as drug trials.

My mum had stage four cancer at diagnosis and was given a drug that was licensed on the NHS only a few months before she started to take it, but it had been available in America for seven years. I also reached out to the likes of BioNTech to learn where drug trials might be happening in Europe because there are many cancer vaccines that are being trialled at the moment and maybe easier for you to access

your situation is quite literally my worst nightmare and the fear I have even now as I have finally reached clarity on how incredibly harmful these relationships are. I only wish I could turn back the clock 10 or maybe 20 years and tell myself that nothing is worth this pain and potential complete self destruction. These relationships will destroy you. Get out of them while you still have your health. Stop pretending it’s ok and you don’t need more.

Thank you Mini. It’s not cancer, it’s a neurological condition similar to motor neurone disease. The shutdowns, oppositional petty behaviour and hostile home environment has taken its toll. I’ve been nothing more than an emotional punch bag for a man who regularly acted bewildered when I was upset about his behaviour, but could act properly, unprompted, with everyone else. Masking wont ever explain how they can do this.

Theres something else which doesn’t get talked about much, and that is the risk of our children being in similar relationships. The majority of men my daughter has dated have gradually revealed themselves to be nd. The relationship starts and ends in the exact same way. They appear completely smitten and emotionally intelligent. Gradually the shutdowns start and the argumentative rigid thinking is revealed. I can see clear as day that some of these men are looking for a human bin instead of a partner. I would not advise anyone to be in these relationships.