Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ND: support thread 16

[BustyLaRoux]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5299389-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-15?page=1

@Echobelly i somehow have missed none of the jobs worked out. It must have been a blow for your dh.

Is he still finding his ‘brain’ is more settled on the meds?
🤞🤞 upping the dose is still going well.

Thanks, yeah - jobs didn't come off, he was a bit gutted about that. Still, market seems better than last year which was absolute tumbleweed for a whole 8 months.

I think making adjustments because of disability is totally he correct thing but what I think is happening to lots of us is more complicated by the nature of ND.
The analogy of a wheelchair user is often used in this respect and if somebody is unable to walk and needs to use a wheelchair then adjustments to living conditions, access and travel etc should be made. But if the person is able to use a wheelchair but refuses to because they either don't or can't accept the disability and expect everybody else to carry them everywhere then most people would not deem that acceptable.
This is one of the issues many of us face. We recognise that adjustments need and can be made but they won't accept they need adjustments and it's everybody else's job to adjust to them.

Absolutely. Add to that that the adjustments needed in order for our neurodivers partners to be their authentic selves, mean us ignoring some of our own very basic needs, and adjusting in ways which mean we aren't able to be our authentic selves. So because masking is damaging for them, we are in return expected to essentially mask. The irony is not lost on me!

It’s all very confusing especially in the fact the disability presents itself often in ways where the simple demand of just accepting they have a different way of thinking can’t be accepted because of its nature. I think I’d just give up at this point and call it a day. You can’t agree to disagree as one person can’t have their needs met and the other not. It’s an awful disabling condition for all involved really, very challenging.

I throw my hands up with my own mum and admit defeat. She will never be able to bend, she isn’t triggered to act by empathy. She acts when she wants on her terms with things she wants to, picks and chooses and completely neglects. On the outside she helps people, yeah logically and completely in her control, anything else and you won’t find her, she has emotionally neglected her children and family. Those who have adapted fair ok, I have not, I need intimacy, care and attention.

That felt like quite a profound moment for me to feel. I don’t need what she can only offer. I can get what she offers from a stranger, I can pay for logical help. What I can’t get from a stranger is intimacy, emotions, care, connection. Sad really.

I’m sorry @Percypigspjs
It’s a harsh realisation and it hurts. And I imagine There’s a lot of grieving going on too.
Neither my parents have been there emotionally for me either (and theyre not ND ….) and it’s hard to accept there will never be anything more.

I fully agree there.

The balance between being accommodating their disability and still treating our own needs just as important is a very difficult one to reach.

I know that for me, I’ve had to learn what is a genuine need that will never change (like dh alexithymia), what is actually not autism (like his avoidant behaviour) and what is basically lazy/shit behaviour (like him doing as little as he can get away with re the house/maintaining the relationship etc….).
I feel I can put boundaries around the last two. And then learn to let go of the first.
It doesn’t change the fact some of my needs (like emotional intimacy) will never be met. But at least, I’m not getting (as) drained (as I was). In part because I’m not expecting him to do things he’ll never do because he can’t.

Note: I feel it’s a quite different situation than when the ND is a parent. Expectation for care, emotional connexion etc… are not just ‘something nicer to have’ for children. They are essential. And regardless of the reason (ND, emotional immaturity/trauma for my parents), those early experiences are traumatic for a young child. Much harder ‘to get over with’ (for want of a betyer word) than when it’s a partner.

It’s essential for everyone really as we see on here. Even the ND partners on here are suffering. We all need connections.

Because of my mum there has always been a feeling of unrest, of lostness in my life. I think not having the assurance of a firm emotional connection had made me feel like I’m always lost. I chose unavailable partners because it was familiar but they just made the hurt and the lost feeling continue.

I am equally scared of closeness for some reason.

@Percypigspjs id look at c-PTSD and see what you think.

In some ways, whether your mum is ND or not isn’t the most important. What’s important is how you feel, your story and what it means to you (then and now).

I probably do have something. I was talking about the importance of emotional safety and how it deeply affects a person not having it. All these poor people on here just don’t have this safety in their relationship due to the disability. We are all a little lost.

Well, DH did well today, as did DS. DS came back from school with a very poor maths test result - he had told us at the time it wasn't good. He was worried DH would be angry, but nonetheless he told him. DH actually took it calmly and has helped DS... mostly calmly. In some ways it helped that it was such a bad result, because it seems more like a blip given he normally does OK, I think DH might have been more thrown by a sub-par result than a much lower than usual one.

My only worry is whether DH is transferring his fervour for 'helping' with French to maths instead and creating the performance anxiety that caused school to take DS off it for GCSE.

I have been acting for the last 20 years. Pretending I’m happy and it’s enough when really it never was and I was so lonely. You get so good at negating your needs, you fool even yourself. No wonder we all end up sick.

i felt angry and resentful of DH but then would say, it’s not his fault. But whether it is or not, the damage it causes, the pain of rejection is still a wound, intentional or not and the pain that comes with it.

in the end I crumbled when DH failed to take me to hospital. That to me is not love. Even with a disability, you can help someone in an emergency.

To not do so is wilful neglect. I cannot be with someone who wilfully neglects a critical health need.

I think that’s how I’ve been dealing with it. Of course they love me deep down, no one can be that dismissive, it’s just a problem with showing it, a mis understanding…. But that’s because I’m putting me onto them, I could never not care, I can’t comprehend that someone deep down doesn’t care….but what happens if they really don’t and the whole time I’ve been projecting my own love.

@Percypigspjs have you tried an inpatient stay at a mental health hospital to give yourself a break from DH and to focus just on yourself? Might that help your ME/CFS? I was very weak when I went it, I could hardly walk, the relief to be looked after, to have all my meals cooked for me, to have to do nothing for anyone, complete low demand, and to have all the therapy, both group and one to one has been life changing. I’ve understood so much. Slowly my strength is returning. My sleep has improved no end taking a a sleep aid that lengthens deep restorative sleep. The combination of deep rest, being away from the toxic environment that broke me has helped a lot.

sorry I may have the wrong poster maybe it’s mangetout

I think that was for another poster but my god you are selling it to me. My partner is pretty good but I have 2 young kids, one with additional needs and one devil toddler so a break would be nice as I’m knackered!

I spoke to a friend yesterday who has a teenage autistic boy, high functioning. She said he has no social cup. People are to go and facilitate his special interests, do it with him, talk endlessly about it and leave. He has no desire to see people outside of this and no thoughts about the people only the subject.

Yes it was me @Mini2025 and there was a time when I was dreaming of exactly that. To be ill enough (but not too badly ofc) that could spend a few weeks or even days in hospital being looked after. 😁😁

What is wrong with us lol sometimes I dream of maybe just a small injury so I can get a break from my demon toddler for a night as we have no village.

A few years ago I was found unconscious in the road after a hit and run, DP shouted at me over the phone after a passer by used my phone to contact them after I came round. I’ll never forget that person telling me I needed a new partner.

If I try and revisit what happen that day I’m either dismissed or it’s gaslighted into something that didn’t happen. Teamwork it ain’t.

Yes I’ve had many variations of being left alone/neglect myself…. 😢😢

Had a family bat mitzvah this evening... at a very Orthodox synagogue, barrier between men and women's section (always vexing). It was an awkward one for our oldest, who I should explain identifies as non-binary/trans masc (as in not seeing himself as a man, don't get it entirely, have not problem with it). He doesn't present as especially masculine and will wear dresses - also he usually wears a kippah (skullcap) or a headscarf, and today he wore a headscarf which seemed a good solution to me. But just before as we were trying to leave, DH made a comment that made oldest uncomfortable about the headscarf - something I thought was nonsense and he needn't have mentioned - and then there was faffing about and DC, who was already stressed about going, was upset. DH doesn't seem to understand that was not a conversation to have on the way out of the door and to be careful talking to DC about this kind of stuff.

DC may also be autistic - he's on ADHD and autism waitlist, but I think autism is perhaps more where he's at. He has low social battery for anywhere he's not totally comfortable and it can be frustrating when he seems to be militating to leave almost as soon as we get somewhere and spends the whole time giving signals he doesn't want to be there.

This is my first time posting here. I’m sure dh is neurodivergent. 2 of the kids are diagnosed asd. We just keep going around in circles arguing about stupid things. He flys off the handle for silly things, every time we argue he doesn’t get the point. I’m so stressed from dealing with everything.
I don’t know how to talk to him to sort this out.
what do I do.